Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary (2003 TV Movie)
Dane Cook: Mario Cantone has a real soft spot for young comedians. It's called his asshole.
Nick DiPaolo: Let's focus on Denis' film career, since his agent didn't.
Adam Ferrara: A new spinoff series will be starring Jeff Garlin on HBO soon. It's called "Curb Your Appetite".
Nick DiPaolo: Lenny Clarke, what, did the Bowflex get lost in the mail? Holy shit. How can you have a coke problem *and* a weight problem? This is unbelievable. What are you snorting, confectionary sugar? Jesus Christ.
Dane Cook: Mario Cantone is so gay, that when gay people walk down the street and see him, they're like, "Fag".
Mario Cantone: I'm still waiting for you to come out, bitch!
Colin Quinn: [about Kiefer Sutherland being in attendance] You're lucky, uh... you're lucky Kiefer said yes. Otherwise, I'd be here making "Mighty Ducks" jokes at Emilio Estevez.
Nick DiPaolo: Why are we roasting you? You're Irish, shouldn't we be boiling you?
Adam Ferrara: You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.
Joe Mantegna: [card: "For A 'Special' Friend"] I directed you in the film "Lifeboat", let me tell you... I've seen better acting at a Cambodian whorehouse. Now listen to what I'm telling you, you bloated alcoholic leprechaun, you get paid to tell jokes on stage but do you know what the biggest joke is? Your career. You go from starring in features to starring in your own failed sitcom to being roasted on basic cable? That's hilarious, no, it's *fucking* hilarious. And you have the balls to call yourself a comedian? Your material is more dated than Shannen Doherty's twat!
Nick DiPaolo: Kiefer Sutherland's here. I... I, uh... I read an article of- in "Esquire" Kiefer Sutherland did. He said how he had to sleep in a car for two years in L.A. Yeah, it must have been tough tossing and turning in a Mercedes 450 SL when it's parked in front of your fucking father's mansion in Hollywood. That must have been... He said his dad didn't help him with his career. Yeah, and Tori Spelling's an orphan.
Denis Leary: Christopher Walken wanted to be here, but the guest list was limited to people from the fuckin' planet Earth.
Denis Leary: The only reason why Pete Townshend got busted was because he borrowed Mario Cantone's laptop.
[Two-word reviews of Denis Leary's movies]
Doctor Dré: Ice Age.
Ed Lover: Not "Shrek".
Doctor Dré: Double Whammy.
Ed Lover: Triple crappy.
Doctor Dré: Company Man.
Ed Lover: You're fired.
Doctor Dré: Jesus' Son.
Ed Lover: Holy shit.
Doctor Dré: The Thomas Crown Affair.
Ed Lover: Watch original.
Doctor Dré: True Crime.
Ed Lover: ...against cinema.
Doctor Dré: A Bug's Life.
Ed Lover: Call exterminator.
Doctor Dré: Wide Awake.
Ed Lover: Not us.
Doctor Dré: Monument Avenue.
Ed Lover: Bad title.
Doctor Dré: Wag the Dog.
Ed Lover: Dog crap.
Doctor Dré: The Matchmaker.
Ed Lover: The Craptaker
Doctor Dré: Operation: Dumbo Drop.
Ed Lover: Operation fuckin' boredom.
Doctor Dré: A classic: "The Ref."
Ed Lover: Personal foul.
Doctor Dré: Judgment Night.
Ed Lover: It sucked.
Doctor Dré: Demolition Man.
Ed Lover: Why, Denis?
Doctor Dré: Who's the Man.
Ed Lover: Now, that's classic.
Doctor Dré: The Sandlot.
Ed Lover: The litterbox.
Doctor Dré: Loaded Weapon.
Ed Lover: Loaded diaper.
Doctor Dré: And ladies and gentlemen, the Oscar-winning performance: "Two If By Sea".
Ed Lover: Fuck you.
Colin Quinn: [about Doctor Dre and Ed Lover] They brought black culture into white suburbs. They're the guys to blame when your daughter comes home and says, "Daddy, this is Antonio McDyess." When you come home early from work and your daughter's standing there in just a Trailblazers jersey, eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles with Rasheed Wallace, these are the sonofabitches you can blame.
[about "The Job"]
Mario Cantone: That show was so bad, TiVo would reject the repeats!
Denis Leary: [after wild applause from the audience when he finally gets up to speak] As my father always said, "Too little, too fuckin' late!"
Adam Ferrara: [to Denis] You went from being in a movie with Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman to being in a TV show with Lenny Clarke and me! Next stop, Quaker State.
Adam Ferrara: I've been to Denis's farm up in Connecticut, or as it's commonly called, "The Neverglad Ranch". If you ever get the chance to go to Learyworld, get the three-day pass. It includes The Whiskey and Water Slide, 20,000 Leagues Under the Influence, Mr. Leary's Angry Ride, and my personal favorite, It's a Small Penis After All.
Adam Ferrara: You really are Irish.
[Back to the crowd]
Adam Ferrara: But the most impressive thing about the place is he paid for it all with Marlboro Miles. While I was there I met his entire family, and there's thousands of them. Pack of nieces and nephews, 7-year-old Learys just looking up at you smokin'.
[Looks up, imitates smoking a cigarette, in a high version of Denis's voice]
Adam Ferrara: You like Spongebob Squarepants? Huh? I think he's a pussy!
Gilbert Gottfried: [speaking as Denis's Irish Wolfhound, Clancy] Hi, I'm one of Denis's Wolfhounds. I'm on my way to the veterenarian's office. You see, I had a chance to watch Denis perform, but I figured I'd have alot more fun having my balls cut off!
Gilbert Gottfried: You know, I've been Denis's dog for 12 years, and he loves me cuz I'm Irish, and I love him cuz he smells like dog ass!
Gilbert Gottfried: Now, Denis used to paper train me with his movie scripts. That way, I had a chance to shit on them before the critics did!
Gilbert Gottfried: You know when I look up at Denis, I see Willem Dafoe without the talent. I see an ugly Bryan Adams. I see Sting with AIDS. You know, if you want to enjoy your Denis Leary comedy album, do what I do every morning - get out your copy, and take a gigantic dump on it!
Gilbert Gottfried: As Denis's pet, I get to see a side of him that most of you never do - Denis the devoted father, Denis the family man, and of course - Denis the Jew Hater! Well Denis, I'm going to have my balls cut off. But don't worry about it, you can still lick my asshole!