Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004 Video Game)
[near the end of a huge police chase]
Big Smoke: Oh shit! Roadblock up ahead!
Carl Johnson: The K's jammed!
Big Smoke: Fuck it, I'm goin' through!
Sweet Johnson: CJ, we got the ghetto bird up ahead!
Aerial Police (Cop 1): This is the LSPD, do not... hey, what the fuck! TOO LOW! YOU'LL KILL US ALL!
Sweet Johnson: Back up Smoke, BACK UP!
Big Smoke: Hell no, I'm going through!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh man, we gonna die!
[the helicopter skims over the car, shredding the motorcycle cop on the hood of the car]
Carl Johnson: OH SHIT!
Sweet Johnson: Slow down Smoke, SLOW DOWN!
Big Smoke: Oh shit, the brakes is out!
[Everyone bails out at the last second as the car smashes through a billboard, and crashes on a rig on the freeway below]
Big Smoke: [looking at the carnage on the freeway from the smashed billboard] Shit! That's gonna be a hell of a story to tell when we passin' the blunt!
Sweet Johnson: Now THAT was some some serious shit! Whoo!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Fuck this, we gotta get outta here.
Sweet Johnson: Ryder's right. Everyone split up, and we'll meet up later.
[2 cops are busting a man for possession of drugs, planted in his car by CJ. One is arresting him, the other is searching the trunk]
Cop 1: You find anything in there?
Cop 2: Find anything? He's got half of Mexico in here!
Carl Johnson: [after hitting a car while driving] Are you a professional moron or just a gifted amateur!
Carl Johnson: Grove Street. Home. At least it was before I fucked everything up.
Big Smoke: [at Cluckin' Bell, during the drive-thru mission] I'll have a number nine, a number nine large, a number six with extra sauce, a number seven, two number forty-fives, one wit' cheese, and a large soda
Zero: As long as we have opposable thumbs, we will fight you!
Big Smoke: Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed.
Carl Johnson: What fuckin' book?
[after throwing CJ out of his squad car]
Officer Frank Tenpenny: See ya 'round, like a doughnut, Carl!
Sweet Johnson: You're dressed like a hooker!
Kendl: You two would know what a hooker looks like.
Carl Johnson: You say that like it's a bad thing.
[CJ, Woozie, Suzie, Zero, one of Woozie's assistants, the occupant of the room and two other men are in the planning room]
Carl Johnson: It seems impossible to keep a secret around here! I would have thought the size of the room would keep the numbers down.
Man #1: Hey, speak up, we can't hear you back here!
Carl Johnson: I appreciate your input, but please, fuck off.
Man #1: What did he say?
Man #2: [murmuring] He said fuck off.
[Man #1 and Man #2 leave]
Carl Johnson: [to the occupant] Hey, what are you still doing here?
Occupant: I live here.
Carl Johnson: Oh, OK, you can stay.
Su Xi Mu: Hey, where's the coffee and doughnuts?
[CJ purposely ignores Suzie]
Carl Johnson: OK, look, I'm going to go shut off the city's power source. Woozie, look after these fools for me.
Woozie: OK, now, the important thing to remember with a plan like this, is that... nothing can go wrong.
Chicken Fast Food Customer: What the cock-a-doodle fuck?
Carl Johnson: [knocking someone off a motorbike] You okay?... I hope not!
Carl Johnson: [jacking someone] It's the car of my dreams!
Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] I need that shit you drive!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Say, CJ, you gonna crash the car again?
Carl Johnson: Fuck you, Ryda'.
Sweet Johnson: Ryda', give CJ a break, man. He's practically turned the Grove around by himself.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Man, I was just tellin' a joke on the lil' nigga.
Carl Johnson: Everythang you do is a joke, Ryder.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: That ain't true!
Big Smoke: Ryda'... just chill the fuck out, man!
Sweet Johnson: Remember, we're reuniting the families, so no bullshit. Stay cool.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: You know me, Sweet, cool as a Shaolin monk!
Sweet Johnson: Especially you, Ryda.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: What you mean? I resent your implication, and shit.
Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] ahhh, you so kind
[his last lines]
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: I'm a motherfuckin' genious!
[after someone hits his car]
Carl Johnson: Did you steal your license?
Carl Johnson: Any last requests?
Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah... can I fuck your sister?
Carl Johnson: You an asshole to the end. Punk motherfucker.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Jeah, and get yourself some colors, fool.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: And a haircut, it's embarrassing to be seen with you!
Carl Johnson: [when C.J. is running from the police] I don't want a nightstick up the ass.
Carl Johnson: Can you shoot?
The Truth: Shoot? I'm a hippie. The only thing I've shot is acid. I heard of a dude snorted it once. Thought his nose was a kangaroo and the moon was a dog! WOOH!
[CJ and Woozie are playing Blackjack]
Woozie: Hit me.
Carl Johnson: Are you sure, man?
Woozie: Yeah. I'm going for a 5 card hand, come on.
[CJ gives Woozie another card]
Carl Johnson: I'm gonna stick. What you got?
Woozie: How would I know? you tell me.
Carl Johnson: Not good. You got, uh, 47.
Woozie: Damn. You're bad luck for me. You know, when I play the other guys, I always win!
Carl Johnson: [after another car hits CJ's car] You hit me! I'm-a hit you back!
British Pedestrian: AAAAAAAARGH!
Carl Johnson: You should have run away!
Motorcycle Cop: [CJ being chased by motorcycle cop] Show me what you got little man!
Sweet Johnson: [CJ and Sweet are driving down to Grove Street during the riots] So who's the weird Brit?
Carl Johnson: What? Oh, Maccer? He got a little problem he can't control.
Sweet Johnson: What kinda problem?
Carl Johnson: He can't stop, you know, givin' himself a little bit.
Sweet Johnson: What, you mean he likes to consult Professor Hans Jerkov?
Carl Johnson: [laughs] Yeah, regularly.
Sweet Johnson: Spank the monkey?
Carl Johnson: Yeah.
Sweet Johnson: Take Palm-ela out?
Carl Johnson: Quit it!
Sweet Johnson: Burp the worm?
Carl Johnson: Enough, man!
DJ The Funktipus: I'm the Funktipus and I got my tentacles wrapped around your San Andreas, ain't my fault.
Carl Johnson: [while falling from a great height] WHAT THE FUCK?
Aerial Police (Cop 2): You're goin' down hard man. Right now!
Carl Johnson: Hey, what up Z!
Zero: Nothing is up Carl, apart from my blood pressure, and the imminent collapse of my hopes and dreams.
Carl Johnson: ...Why?
Zero: As usual, the forces of darkness have triumphed over good. Life is nothing but misery, briefly interspersed with agony.
Carl Johnson: Z, whatchoo on? Whatever it is, you need to reduce the dosage!
Zero: Exuse me, but I never take drugs. We all know drugs are for losers, and/or sex maniacs, and right now, sex is the last thing on my mind.
Carl Johnson: Thank God for that!
Zero: Berkley is back!
Carl Johnson: Ohhh, Berkley. Who the fuck is Berkley?
Zero: A man I once beat in fair competition. A man litterally obsessed with revenge!
Carl Johnson: Oh, you put hands on him?
Zero: No! Please! I never initiate violence.
Carl Johnson: Ohhh, I know. You knocked his bitch!
Zero: No. I won the prize in the science fair. First prize, that is.
Carl Johnson: And now he wanna pop you? HAHAHA, and they say gangbangers is petty and small-minded!
[CJ hears a beeping sound]
Carl Johnson: Eh what's that bleepin' sound?
Zero: It's him... we shall fight to the end!
Pedestrian: [getting carjacked] Here, take the car, I just want the insurance money.
Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Remember, heroes get killed.
Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Now you can buy a new one!
Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] You got the car of my dreams!
Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Now now, you need to exercise more.
Carl Johnson: [while stealing someone's bike] Aww, you fell off your bike.
Carl Johnson: [while stealing someone's bike] Sorry about that. Now fuck off!
Carl Johnson: [if he hits another car] Aw, I wanna immigrate from here!
Carl Johnson: [if he hits another car] What's your poison? Grin or gin?
Carl Johnson: [while pointing a gun at someone] Hey, guess what! It's loaded!
Carl Johnson: [while pointing a gun at someone] It's my constitutional right, bitch!
Carl Johnson: [if a cop arrests him] You just ruined your life, asshole!
Carl Johnson: [if a cop arrests him] Shit, glad I don't pay no taxes.
Carl Johnson: [while falling from a great height] I HATE GRAVITY!
Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] that's very tight
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: Man, fuck you! And I don't care what you heard, I ain't nobody's Ass Technician, BITCH!
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: I'm the voice of the people, like Moses, only keepin' it real!
Security Guard: [CJ kidnaps Madd Dogg's manager, and plans to bail out and dump him in the sea, with his bodyguards on his tail] Security, the principle is being kidnapped! RESCUE HIM AT ALL COSTS!
Madd Dogg's Manager: Who the fuck are you? Where's my usual driver? Unlock this fucking door! I can't fucking swim, you fucking psycho!
Carl Johnson: Ah, so I've heard.
Catalina: [Getting ready to rob a liqour store, four cowboys pull up in front of the shop] Who are these cowboy assholes?
Cowboy: [Holds up the liquor store vendor] We got the cash, let's get out of here!
Catalina: Those maricon bastards have our money! THAT'S OUR MONEY!
Catalina: [shoots one cowboy headless] BLEED, STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! Carl, you drive, I shoot!
Carl Johnson: [Catalina is shooting past his ear while chasing cowboy robbers on a quadbike] I can't hear anything! I'm DEAF!
Carl Johnson: [when CJ being busted] i tell you what, 1 time, shut your butt.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: I can shit on you from such a height, you'll think God himself took a crap on you
Carl Johnson: [the Truth has handed Carl a rocket launcher] Holy Motherfucker! Where'd you get this!
The Truth: I found it in a bail of Thai sticks. Shame really, I was going to make it into a lamp.
Carl Johnson: [after hitting someone off their motorbike] Oops, you fell!
Police Helicopter Pilot: We are the police, you moron! We got helicopters.
Carl Johnson: [declining a prostitutes invitation] Yeah, the girl of my dreams, a crack ho.
Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: After months, all bridges have been reopened. Bone County, Tierra Robada, and Las Venturas County are now linked up with the rest of the state. Locals celebrated by mass outbreaks of xenophobia and inbreeding.
[CJ, Pulaski and Tenpenny are in a police car]
Officer Frank Tenpenny: How you been, Carl? How's your wonderful family?
Carl Johnson: I'm here to bury my Moms. You know that.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: Yeah, I guess I do. So what else you got shakin' Carl?
Carl Johnson: Nothing. I live in Liberty City now. I'm clean. Legit.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: No, you ain't never been clean, Carl.
Officer Eddie Pulaski: Well what've we got here?
Officer Frank Tenpenny: This is a weapon, Officer Pulaski, that was used to gun down a police officer not ten minutes ago. Officer Pendelbury. A fine man, I might add. You work fast, nigga.
Carl Johnson: You know I just got off the plane!
Officer Eddie Pulaski: It's a good thing we found you and retrieved the murder weapon.
Carl Johnson: That ain't my gun.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: Don't bullshit me, Carl.
Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah, don't bullshit him, Carl.
Carl Johnson: What the fuck you want from me this time?
Officer Frank Tenpenny: When we want you, we'll find you. In the meantime, try not to gun down any more officers of the law.
[Big Smoke, Sweet and Ryder are in Sweet's house]
Big Smoke: [to Sweet] Hey, you gotta keep it real, man.
Sweet Johnson: Man, nobody give a shit about the 'hood.
Big Smoke: I do!
Sweet Johnson: All they do is sell yay and ruin the place. No crack ever made a gang tight.
Big Smoke: I don't know, man.
Carl Johnson: Whassup, ya'll?
Sweet Johnson: Whassup, CJ?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: What's cracking?
Sweet Johnson: Man, all they care about is smoking and money.
Big Smoke: You can't knock a homie's hustle, Sweet.
Sweet Johnson: Them marks ain't soldiers. They're idiots trying to be business men.
Big Smoke: Yeah, but they're down with us, man.
Sweet Johnson: All they down with is money. CJ - go down there and show these fools you mean business. these chumps from the Ballas are sweating the homies. Go put pressure on them. Just do it.
Carl Johnson: We been putting time in the 'hood, but we gotta get the homies back together, like the old days.
Sweet Johnson: Yeah, you right! So you and Ryder go handle your business!
[to Big Smoke]
Sweet Johnson: Man, they'd slang to their own Momma. They don't care about nothing.
Big Smoke: You're naÔve, my friend. We gotta keep our focus.
Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You wrecked my shit!
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: You punk-ass bitch, punk-ass busta fool!
Lazlow - Talk Radio: I dunno what you just said, but I bought you some malt liqour to calm you down.
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: You a busta fool. Luckily, your not dead 'coz I'm also a pimp! Including you, I'll pimp anything! You hear me playa?
Lazlow - Talk Radio: Yes, I hear you, you'll pimp anything. But you know, it's kinda like my dream to sleep with housewives.
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: [shouts] ARE YOU - DISSIN' - MY HOS, BITCH?
Lazlow - Talk Radio: [stammers] Uh, no,no. Your hos are bitches, your hos are bitches. Look please, don't shoot me, homie.
Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You hit my fuckin' ride!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Damn - this shit's fucked up.
Carl Johnson: I see what you mean now, man. If crack can do that to Big Bear, turn him into a base slave, the average motherfucker ain't got a chance.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Damn dope fiends and drug addicts everywhere in this city. Piss me off.
Carl Johnson: Looks like it's up to us then.
[CJ and Ryder enter the Crack Den]
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Good afternoon, Balla dope pushers! Grove Street OG's come to do damage!
[Woozie is in a room in the casino. CJ enters]
Carl Johnson: Woozie?
Woozie: Oh, Carl.
Carl Johnson: You could at least turn the lights on.
Woozie: Oh, I thought I had. This window here must let some light in.
Carl Johnson: Yeah, this is perfect right here. This is where we're going to plan the heist at.
Woozie: Anyone else coming?
Carl Johnson: No.
Woozie: Couldn't we have done this in my office?
Carl Johnson: You gotta have a secret place to plan shit like this, that's just how it's done!
Woozie: OK, OK, I see where you're coming from. So, what do we do?
Carl Johnson: I guess we got to make a plan.
Woozie: Speaking of plans, do you have the layout to Caligula's Casino?
Carl Johnson: Shit. No. I guess I gotta go get one.
Woozie: Meeting adjourned?
Carl Johnson: Meeting adjourned.
[CJ and Woozie are in the planning room in the casino. CJ has the layout for Caligula's Casino on a board]
Carl Johnson: Now I know you're blind, man - but you gotta see this.
Woozie: Very clever. So what's the prognosis? Is this just going to be extremely difficult, or next- to-impossible?
Carl Johnson: Hear me out on this, homie. All right, the cash room is on the bottom level. There's a bunch of rooms and a tunnel under the whole building with access to the casino floors at either end of the complex. All right? Now, security consists of CCTV, a key code access and, in places, a swipe card.
Woozie: Hey, are you pointing again?
Carl Johnson: Oh, my bad - habit.
Woozie: Ah, don't worry; it's good practice for when we finally get a crew in on this.
Carl Johnson: Yeah, I know.
[Suzie enters carrying a box]
Su Xi Mu: Hey boss, this arrived for CJ.
Carl Johnson: Hey, hey hey hey! Damn, man - now he's seen the plans!
Woozie: Well, then we've got our first recruit. Come on in and shut the door.
[CJ opens the box that arrived for him]
Carl Johnson: All right, cool. This is a security card reader that Zero's sent over. Now all we need to do is get one of those cards...
[Cut TO CJ outside the casino]
Carl Johnson: Luckily, there's always one guaranteed weak link in any security set up. The human heart.
Female Pedestrian: [after being bumped into by CJ] Don't make me come out my face!
Prostitute: [after CJ points a gun at her] Get the hell out of my way before I eat that!
[Madd Dogg is threatening to jump off a window ledge]
Elvis Impersonator: Jump! Look what dying did for my career!
[CJ is stealing a taxi in San Fierro]
Taxi Driver: You're messing with the Lion of Judah, man!
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: I kill him!
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Make sure it's the right guy this time!
[after someone hits his car]
Carl Johnson: Where did you steal your license?
[CJ, Woozie, Suzie, one of Woozie's assistants, Zero and the occupant of the room are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is standing in front of the layout of Caligula's Casino]
Carl Johnson: All right, here's the plan. It's all about the art of deception. While I get as much heat on me as possible, y'all get away with the green.
Zero: Question: how does the Mafia normally move cash out of Caligula's?
Carl Johnson: Bingo! Stripes for Mr. Zero here.
Occupant: Ha hey! Good job, you little ass kisser!
[pats Zero on the back]
Zero: [moans in pain]
Carl Johnson: So, we're going to steal ourselves an armoured car and re-spray it so it looks like one of their regular trucks.
Su Xi Mu: What about the police escorts? Whenever they move cash around they use police motorcycles as outriders.
Carl Johnson: Exactly what I was thinking. C'mon, come with me, and we're gonna go get some cop wheels...
[Cut TO CJ and Suzie outside the casino]
Carl Johnson: You get the Packer, hit the Julius Thruway and keep moving.
[The usual six men that are planning the heist are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is at the front giving out instructions]
Carl Johnson: OK, we got the bikes. And Woozie's taken care of the uniforms. Now, we just gotta get an armoured van and re-spray it with the Caligula's Casino logo.
Woozie: Why don't we steal one while it's on its rounds? That way we can make some money too.
Carl Johnson: No, I don't want to get the crew caught up in some street level jacking - it could get ugly.
Zero: I... I have an idea? Um... Have you ever seen those helicopters they use to lift heavy loads?
Su Xi Mu: Yeah, they call 'em 'sky cranes'. We could lift the whole truck and take them to someplace safe.
Woozie: Then we need to steal a sky crane. Unfortunately I'm not a pilot.
Zero: No, me neither.
Su Xi Mu: Hey, don't look at me.
Assistant: Or me.
Carl Johnson: Shit. I'll fly it, then. We can re-spray it at the airstrip.
Zero: Yeah, Carl. It'll be just like fighting Berkley, only bigger!
Carl Johnson: Yeah, thanks for that.
[CJ is in the recording studio at Madd Dogg's Crib. He is on the phone]
Carl Johnson: I don't care 'how', I care 'when'.
[Toreno walks up behind CJ]
Carl Johnson: As in 'now'. You hear me?
[Toreno takes the phone out of CJ's hand]
Carl Johnson: Hey, man, what the - ?
Mike Toreno: Hello, boss man. Taking care of business I see.
Carl Johnson: Toreno, fuck you. I almost lost my life out there for you.
Mike Toreno: I've just got one tiny little thing for you to do, then I'm out of your life forever.
[CJ pulls out a gun and points it at Toreno]
Carl Johnson: You know what? I'm tired of your fucking little jobs.
Mike Toreno: Oh, will you stop? This is pathetic, come on. You're embarrassing yourself. Come on, put it down. Don't be ridiculous, OK?
[Toreno pushes the gun down]
Mike Toreno: Hey, I got a little surprise for you here. You ready for this? Huh?
Carl Johnson: [his phone rings]
Mike Toreno: Answer it
[CJ answers the phone]
Carl Johnson: Hello?
Sweet Johnson: Carl, it's me, Sweet.
Carl Johnson: Aw, Sweet!
Sweet Johnson: I don't know what happened, they just released me. No idea what's going on, but I'm in the square outside the precinct in Commerce.
Carl Johnson: All right you hold tight, I'll be right there.
[CJ puts the phone down]
Carl Johnson: So what was that little job you was talking about, Toreno?
Mike Toreno: I just want you to go pick up your brother. Get out of here.
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Hey, I can see my house from here!
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Will you shut the hell up?
Officer Frank Tenpenny: [his last lines] Come on, assholes. I'll take you all. You're mine! Mine! I run this town! Hey, over here! Hey! Officer down! Come on! HEY! Assholes! You never understood what I did! Fifty of me and this town would be OK. I took the trash out! I DID! And I'd do it all again...
Kendl: Carl, where are you off to now?
Carl Johnson: Fittin' to hit the block, see what's happening.
Carl Johnson: [after hitting another traffic car] Who let you out of the mental home?
Big Smoke: [after a harrowing police chase] Shit! That's gonna be a hell of a story to tell later on when we're passin' the blunt!
Catalina: Are you going to fight for my love?
Carl Johnson: No. I can take rejection.
[after Cesar gives CJ a silenced Colt .45]
Carl Johnson: Where'd you get that?
Cesar: Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is America!
Carl Johnson: [after seeing a truck that is chasing them crash] Ah, they hit a bus!
Smoke: Ha ha ha! I'll never diss public transportation again!
WCTR Imaging Voice: "I Say, You Say" is only heard on WCTR. Be thankful.
Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Recently, a large field of marijuana in Flint County was set on fire. This has been rather unfortunate for the local wildlife, most of which was found eating chocolate, listening to the same band over and over, and buying fractal art.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: Mmm... Smells good. What's cooking? Where's mine?
Tommy Smith: I've said it before... All we need is a little patience.
[after Woozie runs into a wall and falls down]
Carl Johnson: What's the matter? You lost? Need a hand?
Woozie: NO! Uh... no I was just, you know, getting the feel of the place.
Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] Don't blame me, blame society.
Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] Don't blame me, blame yourself.
Officer Hernandez: [on the phone] This is Officer Hernandez.
Carl Johnson: Who?
Officer Hernandez: Officer Hernandez. I work with Tenpenny and Pulaski.
Carl Johnson: Oh, the bitch. What the hell you want?
Officer Hernandez: Show me some respect, boy!
Carl Johnson: Go fuck yourself, you're just they bitch.
Officer Hernandez: I've got a message from Tenpenny. Don't try to leave town. That would be a big mistake.
Carl Johnson: Whatever you say, bitch.
Mike Toreno: [talking to CJ] Do not be a fucking smart-ass with me. I work for a government agency. It is not important which one. I will try not to confuse you. Yes, when we last met, I was involved in battling threats in Latin America, by any means necessary! That does not make me a drug dealer. Now, the money that we raised, the friends that we won over, have helped us immeasurably in our overseas interests.
Mike Toreno: [on a radio] Roger that, Big Monkey, I got a 13-6 fat vulture. Need to acquire a drowning baby. Over.
Carl Johnson: [carjacking someone] Welcome to San Andreas, fool.
DJ Sage: Hello, I'm Sage, and yes, that is my real name and if you don't believe me, you can go fuck yourself!
Richard Burns - Talk Radio: Speaking on a WCTR news show towards the end of the game, after the Los Santos Riots - hey baby, are we off the air yet? I got us some great stuff for our apartment. A fat bearskin rug, a new blender, a double ender...
Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Ahem, currently we have no further information.
Carl Johnson: [pointing a gun at someone] Oh, big surprise, I gotta gun.
[while carjacking someone]
Carl Johnson: We switchin' places right now.
Ken Rosenberg: Hey, just like old times, huh, Tommy?
Carl Johnson: Who the fuck is Tommy?
Jethro: Does a polar bear shit in the woods?
The Truth: No, but they've been known to shit in the liquor tent.
[during a cell phone conversation]
Carl Johnson: Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Cesar: Why you keep asking me that, holmes? I told you, i dunno. Where the holiness does his business, is his business.
[after playing the song "Two Tickets to Paradise" by Eddie Money]
Tommy Smith: Eddie's got two tickets to paradise, and I do too... In my pants.
Tommy Smith: I can't believe I get to play music for a living, even if it is other people's.
Tommy Smith: [Starts playing Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird"] Every band will hear a request for this song.
Ammu-Nation Clerk: If you need to ice your wife or stop a truck, I got what you need.
[while watching government agents loading cargo on an airplane]
Mike Toreno: These guys think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms and contracts.
Carl Johnson: Hey, ain't that exactly what you do?
Mike Toreno: Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators.
Carl Johnson: [loses in a video game against Woozie, throws controller down and stands up] SHIT! MAN!... HOW YOU DO THAT?
Aerial Police (Cop 1): Shoot that asshole!
Aerial Police (Cop 2): ALL RIGHT I'M TRYING!
James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Hello, you're on the Wild Traveler.
caller: I'm on a cliff.
James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: How romantic!
caller: I want to jump.
James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Yes, I know. Jump into the unknown. How can it be a sin if it feels so good? Anyway, what is your question?
caller: Why am I here?
James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: I dunno, why are you there? Where are you? Kenya?
caller: No, I'm in Verdant Bluffs.
James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Oh, loathsome place. I'd jump if I were you.
caller: I want to go to hell.
James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Me too! Buy a refrigerator magnet when you get there.
Mike Toreno: [Federal agents are close by] All right, come on, I can't stay here now, I'm too hip. I gotta go, OK? I'm outta here.
Carl Johnson: Why am I here?
Mike Toreno: I just want to see what you're made of.
Carl Johnson: What do you think I'm made of? Puddin'?
Woozie: I have a confession to make. I... I'm blind.
Carl Johnson: No shit.
Carl Johnson: Woozie, you know I'm black and not Chinese, right?
Woozie: Carl, I may be blind, but I'm not stupid.
[reading a book called "Conspiracy Theory"]
Mike Toreno: This history is all wrong! It says that Hitler killed himself, and that we nuked Japan. Well... Whatever helps them sleep at night.
[on their way to San Fierro]
The Truth: Carl, do you know how many satellites the government has in space?
Carl Johnson: No. How many?
The Truth: Twenty-three. Do you know how many biblical artifacts the government is keeping at the Pentagon?
Carl Johnson: No.
The Truth: Twenty-three. Don't you see a pattern here?
Carl Johnson: Man I'm seeing patterns all over the place! Get that smoke out my face.
[as a black van pulls out of a hospital]
The Truth: Don't look! Quick! Think of a yellow, rubber duck!
[Carl is about to sneak inside of an aircraft carrier]
Mike Toreno: Okay, Carl. Once you get in, I cannot help you.
Carl Johnson: Can you help me now?
Mike Toreno: Um... no actually... no
Tommy Smith: This is a plaid shirt free zone. We're rockers, people. Not lumberjacks.
Carl Johnson: [Toreno is calling CJ on his cell phone] Toreno?
Mike Toreno: Carl, learn to fly.
Carl Johnson: I'm on it, man, I swear!
Mike Toreno: "I'm on it, man, I swear" Same old broken record, Carl. But that?s fine... because your brother's getting a new cell mate tonight ? Horse Cock Harry. And I'm sending a present, little wedding present - a big tube of lube.
Carl Johnson: Shit, dude, okay! Okay! I swear, man, I'm gonna be the best pilot!
Mike Toreno: I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear is your brother's love cries as 8 kilometers of cock find its way up his ass. "Aaooowww? That's your brother, okay? No big problem.
Carl Johnson: Wait! Please, man!
Mike Toreno: That was my last motivational speech, understand? Am I being too spiritual for you, Carl?
Carl Johnson: OK, man, I get the message.
Motorcycle Cop: [CJ being chased by motorcycle cop] I'm gonna call for a back up, i beleive in sharing!
Motorcycle Cop: [CJ being chased by motorcycle cop] Come on I can taste your blood!
Cop: [CJ being chased by a cop] Stop!, we can hold hands and talk about it.
Indian Pedestrian: [Farts] My ass is stinking!
"DJ" Pedestrian: [after seeing someone killed] HOLY REMIX!
"DJ" Pedestrian: [after seeing someone killed] Bless my diamond stylus!
British Pedestrian: [Fighting] You're messin' with a Londoner... SOUTH London!
Carl Johnson: [Toreno uses CJ to do his work] Why won't these guys come after me?
Mike Toreno: Oh, they can't because they're all posted on me. One DEA, one FBI, one Russian, a Cuban double agent and my pay masters. Checks and balances. Nobody is watching anybody watching nobody. You know what I mean? Go.
Carl Johnson: Whatever, man.
Carl Johnson: [Carl has to use an old plane] You sure this thing is safe? I can see daylight through the floor.
Mike Toreno: Hey, in that thing you look like an enthusiast. The US Air Force is less likely to shoot you down.
Carl Johnson: Cool, what's the problem then?
Mike Toreno: I said "less likely." If you did as much amphetamines as these guys did, you'd be lucky not to shoot anything that moves.
Carl Johnson: Aw, shit.
Mike Toreno: Hey, just stay low and you'll be fine.
[after watching a black van drive by them]
Carl Johnson: C'mon, dude, what's all that about?
The Truth: You don't want to know.
Carl Johnson: Why?
The Truth: Do you know what a sub-dermal neurophone is?
Carl Johnson: A what?
The Truth: Exactly. Sometimes its best to stay in the dark, kid.
[Toreno is talking to CJ over a radio]
Carl Johnson: Where are you? You givin' me the heebie jeebies, man!
Mike Toreno: Carl, I will ALWAYS be watching... or listening... or both.
Mike Toreno: You know, after what you've done for me, it's like you're a pro now. I got double agents in Panama who want to put a price on your head. A Russian spy - a little, fat, Boris looking guy - he's asking for clearance to interrogate you, Russian style. Calipers on the genitals. Feels good, you'd like it.
Carl Johnson: That ain't nothing cool, man! Just leave me alone. You're bad news!
Mike Toreno: Don't worry about it. The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.
Carl Johnson: [an Obese CJ punches an innocent pedestrian] I ain't a fat bitch, bitch!
[Toreno is telling CJ to go kill some government agents on a plane]
Mike Toreno: Now look, I spoke with the big man. You've got clearance to eliminate these fuckers. How's that?
Carl Johnson: Huh, man, kill Government agents?
Mike Toreno: Kill, schmill! Come on... don't look at it that way, will you? Think of it as pest control. It works for me.
[after one of Woozie's henchmen come in and put down two casino chips]
Woozie: One's a fake.
Carl Johnson: That's amazing. You didn't even touch them.
Woozie: No. I just took a guess. Why else would he come in with two chips and sound so worried?
[during a commercial for the Commando Pest Eradication]
Pest Commando #1: We've got the situation in the kitchen contained, Sir, but I found this!
Pest Commando #2: Jesus! What the hell is this?
Woman: That's my daughter!
Pest Commando #2: Looks more like Viet Cong to me!
[after Johnny Sindacco dies of a heart attack]
Carl Johnson: Damn! That nigga's fucked up!
Tommy Smith: Weren't the '70s great? Back then, you could bang anything you wanted, take all the drugs you wanted, smoke, drink and hate the country. What's happening these days is a disgrace. Nobody's protesting any more, nobody can get good 'ludes and rock bands don't wear good makeup.
[after hitting someone with your vehicle]
Carl Johnson: Damn! Did you buy your license?
Tommy Smith: [after Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" plays on K-DST] It's not every day you hear that track... Oh, wait. Yes it is.
Carl Johnson: [jacking a car] Isn't this what they mean by "carpool"?
Marvin Trill - Talk Radio: Kevin, you're on the line.
Kevin Mitnick: All missiles are under my control, not the government's control! Why do you think they put me in solitary confinement for eight months? Because I could launch nuclear missiles by whistling into a phone!
Marvin Trill - Talk Radio: Really! Do you think you could wipe out all the other radio stations in town for me?
Kevin Mitnick: No, I don't do that any more. I only use my powers for good.
Marvin Trill - Talk Radio: You see, this is not a cartoon or a TV show. Let's get real for a second: The problem with people like you who has super powers is that you not really use them for good. If I had super powers, everyone would be naked! And women signing autographs at conventions couldn't resist me!
Terrence (WCTR Caller): Yeah hi, my name's Terrence...
Maurice - WCTR: Can I call you "Telly-Welly?"
[during a cell phone conversation]
The Truth: Carl...
Carl Johnson: Who is this?
The Truth: It's me. The Truth.
Carl Johnson: Who?
The Truth: Perfection. They said you were a moron.
Woozie: Thank you Carl, you saved me from having to kill them all myself.
Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] What did you expect? This is America!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.
Carl Johnson: 'Cause you been dealin' drugs, man. Since the age of ten. Ha, ha, ha.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ha, ha, ha. Nope. That ain't it.
Carl Johnson: 'Cause you put your hands on that teacher for wearin' Ballas colours. Ha, ha, ha.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ha, ha, ha. But, nope. That ain't it either. It's cause I'm too intelligent for this shit. I am the real deal fool, oh, yeah. A genius.
Carl Johnson: [after crashing into a car] What kind of license you got? Fishin' license?
K-DST Imaging Voice: [Imaging for the radio station K-DST "The Dust"] If the cops can't stop you...
[sounds of sirens and gun shots]
K-DST Imaging Voice: ...you must be on "The Dust".
Pedestrian: [talking on the street] Have you ever been to Liberty City?
Pedestrian: What a dump!
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: I see her, she's beautiful!
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: HE is over there! He's a guy!
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Stop! Police!
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: I think he knows that by now!
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: This is aerial support...
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Yeah, I think he knows that by now!
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Hey, I can see my house from here!
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Will you shut the fuck up?
DJ Sage: Isn't that a great song? So much better than cartoons. I hate cartoons! They're so stupid and cheery. Life is not cheery.
DJ Sage: Don't forget, each weekend we meet in the park and watch German expressionist silent films projected onto a tree. Things that are foreign are so meaningful.
DJ Sage: You know, now that I think about it, they should just start killing people when they turn 29. They're going to be reincarnated anyway so who cares?
Radio Host: The secret of nature is that once something is at the height of growth and beauty, it is time for it wither and die. A bit like the British empire! Look at that whole place withering and dying, right before our eyes... it's run by a Queen! And if she had a pistol she'd be the King.
Motorcycle Cop: [during cut scene where Smoke, Sweet, Rider and CJ are being chased by cops] What a waste of a good donut. OK, let's roll!
Carl Johnson: [during screen saver mode, singing off key] Never gonna get it, never gonna get it... beyotch!
DJ Sage: Good morning, San Andreas! The baby boom is officially over. You are all irrelevant. Now die.
DJ Philip 'PM' Michaels: Hey, to my choreographer who's helping me get ready for my inevitable tour, it's gonna be a sunny day! Let's practice outside. And hopefully, those kids won't throw rocks like the last time.
DJ The Funktipus: Uh oh, we got fog coming over the horizon. And when the country comes out of it, we're gonna have a party!
Carl Johnson: [after fucking a prostitute] I was incredible. You were just great.
Big Smoke: A lot of people say gangsta rap is misogynistic posturing by fake-ass idiots who spend more time in drama school then they ever did pimping or hustling dope. Well, I assure you, OG Loc is the real thing. He's hated women all his life, he sold drugs to school children, he's murdered innocent people just for kicks, but he rhymes like an angel. And I assure you, it's all in a good cause. So either way, you could feel good about yourself listening to this music.
Cop: [when fighting Carl, or other perp] Kicking names and taking ass. Oh, wait.
Catalina: I feel good today, like a woman reborn!
Carl Johnson: Good, maybe you won't go berserk then.
Catalina: Oh, I go berserk, but not till I really pissed.
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: I'm outta bullets!
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Don't worry. I bought extra!
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: There he is! Kill him John!
Police Helicopter Pilot 2: Why do I have to do all of the fucking killing?
Police Helicopter Pilot 1: Because I'm a pacifist! Kill him!
Carl Johnson: [voiceover] After five years on the East Coast, it was time to go home
[a previous phone call is heard]
Carl Johnson: 'Sup?
Sweet Johnson: Carl, it's Sweet.
Carl Johnson: Whassup, Sweet, what you want?
Sweet Johnson: It's Moms... She's dead, bro.
(Man in gas station): Look, this here is bullet proof glass, so you can just fuck off bitch, before I call the sheriff!
Officer Eddie Pulaski: Get outta here, you grease-ball bastard! Stupid Mexican...
Officer Eddie Pulaski: [to Officer Hernandez] Oh, hey, sorry.
DJ Sage: You think you can stop the revolution? Heads are gonna roll. Specifically that bitch from the record store.
DJ Sage: The Mode are up next with "Personal Jesus". It's funny 'cause I found one. And it's me.
Tommy Smith: [plays The Who's "Eminence Front"] Only in the '70s there weren't many bands that could hold a candle to Crystal Ship, but I would've shared a stage with The Who anytime. If only they had the vision to ask.
Carl Johnson: [after dropping Loc at his work] I'll see you around.
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: Like a 'quarter pound! Later!
Carl Johnson: [explaining why he hates swimming] When I was swimming in the ocean once when I was young, I got a condom stuck to my face.
Man in Restroom: [Og Loc is rapping while cleaning the bathroom at Burger Shot] Yo! That shit *sucks*! Damn!
Mary Phillips - Talk Radio: Some women want to be degraded. I mean really, really degraded. Like a Liberal having his way with you. God, it makes me feel so dirty.
Pedestrian: [after seeing a person get run over] Did you orgasm before death came?
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: [in radio interview] I've been gangbangin' since I was three.
Lazlow - Talk Radio: Huh. Gangbanging? You know I never really understood that. I mean other people in the room while you're... urgh.
Pedestrian: [after CJ jacks a cheap car] Hey, what's a Johnson boy doing in a hooptie?
DJ Sage: You know, I don't think any of these bands are on a major label. You can't even buy their records. You can only hear them here on this station. God, we're so alternative!
Carl Johnson: [after hitting another car] Somebody going to be mad at you for smashing up their vehicle!
Mike Toreno: [sneaking up behind CJ at the airplane hangar in Verdant Meadows] Got you again, Carl! You're half-asleep, I coulda killed you in nine different ways! Wake up and smell the coffee!
Carl Johnson: You need to lay OFF the coffee!
WCTR Imaging Voice: That was Area 53, check you rectum.
DJ The Funktipus: There's only one religion: The Funk, and only one language: The Funk. And only one hairstyle: The Funk. All I've eaten for the last ten years has been The Funk. And when I go to the bathroom, guess what I do? I do The Funk. Doo-doo The Funk, y'all!
Kent Paul: You shouldn't be choking the gecko in the first place! Remember what happened at that gig in Hamburg?
Maccer: That groupie loved it!
Kent Paul: That wasn't a groupie, that was a roadie!
Maccer: But she had great tits!
Kent Paul: Man-tits! They were MAN-TITS!
WCTR Imaging Voice: And now it's time for some sensationalist propaganda, I mean news
Carl Johnson: [when colliding with another car] I'm gonna get ugly on yo' ass, playa!
Cop 2: [When in a police vehicle, over the police radio]
Cop 1: Backup requested, I've got a 10-91 in Chinatown.
Cop 2: Which Chinatown?
Cop 1: Chinatown in San Fierro
WCTR Imaging Voice: You're leaving Area 53. Check your Rectum.
Carl Johnson: [punching someone] I'm rich and I'm fuckin' crazy!
Radio Caller: When I watch a movie, with two chicks and a dude, the public will label it as ''pornographic''. But when I watch a flick with two guys and a chick, and it's in French, probably wins some awards! Calls it arthouse love cinema! But it's revolting!
Sweet Johnson: [to CJ regarding his driving] It's either Warp 9 or nothin' with you.
Ammu-Nation Clerk: [when max. ammo is reached] I don't do big military orders.
Carl Johnson: [accepting a prostitute] Moms, I'm sooo sorry about this.
Carl Johnson: [accepting a prostitute] Yeah, maybe we should fall in love or somethin'?
Female Pedestrian: You just smell so sophisticated!
Carl Johnson: I smell like money.
Carl Johnson: [pointing a gun at someone] I'm a businessman and this is my business!
Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Top news story! Is skateboarding turning your son gay?
Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: Breaking news! Was Moses really from Ohio?
San Fierro Cop: Stop! I'm a social worker! My MSW has trained me to help you!
Ammu-Nation Clerk: They, uh, all lost their serial numbers.
Ammu-Nation Clerk: Everything a patriot could want!
Ammu-Nation Clerk: Stop a truck or ice your wife, I got just what you need.
Ammu-Nation Clerk: You hard yet?
Denise Robinson: Do you want to come in for some coffee?
Carl Johnson: I hope you're clean, bitch.
Denise Robinson: Do you want to come in for some coffee?
Carl Johnson: You don't got no VD or nothing, do ya, bitch?
Tommy Smith: You know, if more people rode the bus in this city, maybe we'd be able to see the sky. Pollution is a metaphor for evolution. We made it, people!
James Pedeaston - Talk Radio: Hello, you're on The Wild Traveler. ROAR!
Cop 1: [while chasing CJ] He's like a goddamn Olympic athlete!
Cop 2: [while chasing CJ, breathless] Stop running, you son of a bitch!
Carl Johnson: After five years on the East Coast, it was time to home.
Big Smoke: You picked the wrong house, fool!
Carl Johnson: Big smoke! It's me, Carl! Chill, chill!
Big Smoke: CJ...? Aaaooooww my dog! Whassup? Ha ha ha ha!
Sweet Johnson: And where the fuck you think you're going?
Kendl: What? Get out of my face. I'm going to see Cesar.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: I got with them motherfuckers though, showed them niggaz who's gangsta.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ryder, nigga!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: 'Ey, man, whatchu want?
Carl Johnson: Seeing my homie. What's up with you?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Eeeh, homie, jeah jeah. It's good to see you back.
Carl Johnson: No homie love? No hug?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh, fo sho', fo sho' my nigga, my bad. What's crackin' with you?
Carl Johnson: 'Ey, man, what you strapped for?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Man, some pizza place keeps painting over our hit up, man!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Shit is beautiful. Teach the owner a lesson.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: He's fucking with Grove Street. You down?
Carl Johnson: I'm always down.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ahhhh, jeah... Let's go, bitch.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: [Ryder points gun at employee] Give up the money! This a raid!
The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: Ryder! Not this again!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: It ain't me, fool!
The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: No one else is that small! I feel sorry for your dad!
Carl Johnson: Shit, you crazy! Let's get up outta here!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Same old CJ! Busta! Straight busta!
The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: [Employee grabs shotgun below and starts to shoot]
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh, shit! RUN!
Mary Phillips - Talk Radio: When you take the worst qualities of a elephant and donkey, you get alot of shit.
Carl Johnson: Look, what was going on, Truth? Who was them dudes?
Jethro: Don't go that way!
The Truth: Listen to Jethro. Now what if I told you, we never went to the moon, JFK lives in Scotland with Janis Joplin and the only reason we've been in a Cold war for the last 45 years was because snake-headed aliens run the oil business?
Carl Johnson: I'd think you popped another microdot.
The Truth: Good, keep it that way.
Commercial Voice: Bare foot and pregnant again! Just like my daddy.
Carl Johnson: [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone] Lunch money.
Carl Johnson: [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone] I'm going to spend this on a good meal.
Carl Johnson: [Answering his cell phone] Hey Cesar the Yeh are leaving San Fierro.
Cesar: Right CJ but they are using bikes and they go off road.
Carl Johnson: [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone] That ain't food!
Carl Johnson: [When someone crashes into your car] How are you allowed to drive if you're blind!
DJ Mary-Beth Maybell: Jump on your man's back and jab him in the side with your spurs!
DJ Mary-Beth Maybell: I swear the boy at the gas station was offended when I started to love on myself in the car. Hey when inspiration hits!
Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ turning down coffee] I prefer an ice cream sandwich to coffee.
Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ having coffee] Not to fast I might have a heart attack!
Ken Rosenberg: Now I'm waiting for one family to bump me off, and blame the other one! The only friend I got is a bird named Tony!
Tony the parrott: [squawks] I never fucked anyone over I didn't have to.
Barbara Schternvart: There is CIA crawling all over this desert.
Barry 'Big Bear' Thorne: [Turns of B-dub] I'm tired of smoking, I'm tired of crack, and I'm tired of doing your FUCKING house work!
Barry 'Big Bear' Thorne: [Waylays B-dud] I'm FREE!
Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ having coffee] Grab on that is why they call them coffee.
Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ having coffee] Grab on that is why they call them love handles.
Carl Johnson: [jacking a car] What can I say? I'm a bad man.
Madd Dogg's Manager: [CJ has driven the car off the pier with Madd Dogg's manager locked in]
[in slow motion]
Madd Dogg's Manager: HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUCK!