The Three Stooges (2012)
Moe: Hiya, Snook. I got you a present.
Moe: Yeah. Go on, open it.
[Snooki opens the box and Moe pokes her in the eye]
Moe: Mind your P's and Q's.
Curly: Don't forget to dot the I's.
[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]
Moe: What is that gadget?
Teddy: This is an iPhone.
Curly: An eye phone?
[Curly takes the phone and holds it up to his eye]
Curly: Hello? Hello?
[Curly hands the phone back]
Curly: There's nobody there.
Larry: [the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh. Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?
Curly: I don't know, but the face rings a bell.
Moe: Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.
Curly: Why doesn't Larry go?
Moe: 'Cause he's got a headache.
Larry: No, I don't.
[Moe bonks Larry on the head with a hammer]
Moe: How about now?
Larry: [holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.
Moe: [points at Snooki's Guinness beer hat] Just because it says genius on her hat doesn't mean she is one.
Curly: Oh, boy. Fosters. That's Australian for beer.
Moe: Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?
Curly: I'll take it in a mug.
Moe: You got it.
[Moe slaps him]
Teddy: So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you. Better yet, I'll tweet you.
Curly: Oh! Tweet us to dinner? Soitenly!
Head Nurse: Can't you read? Visiting hours are over.
Curly: Even for family?
Head Nurse: You're related?
Head Nurse: How?
Curly: His mother and my mother were both mothers.
Murph: Who won the poker game last night?
Moe: Eh, Peezer wiped us out.
Murph: Peezer? But he's 7.
Larry: Yeah but he wears those dark sunglasses, so you can't tell what he's thinking.
Larry: Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
Curly: Oh, boy donuts! Where's mine?
Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?
[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]
Curly: Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!
Larry: Hey, look, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.
Moe: What's a donut remover?
Larry: It's one of these.
[reads the sign on the bell]
Larry: "Do-nut remove-uh."
Mother Superior: Like Moses in the desert, I believe the Lord will guide them. Because they're pure of heart.
Sister Mary-Mengele: And dim of wit.
Curly: Shame on you, Moe, you let your pride ruin everything for us and them kids.
Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride?
Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.
Moe: That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.
Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.
[Moe slaps Curly]
Moe: What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.
Larry: Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you.
[Larry yanks up Gangbanger's pants]
Gang Banger: Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?
Larry: Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this?
Lydia: My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Mac: Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.
Curly: I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.
[Curly and Larry laugh]
Moe: [mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?
[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]
Moe: Are they awake now?
Ronnie: What are you, crazy? That's assault!
Moe: Heres your pepper. Shut up.
[Moe slaps him]
The Situation: My man!
Ronnie: Who asked ya, muscle-head?
[Moe pokes him in the head]
JWoww: Moe! You can't just go around hitting people.
Moe: No? Well, can I do this?
[Moe plucks out her nose hair]
Moe: Hmm, rare bouquet.
Larry: Hey. Who's this lady?
Ling: That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.
Larry: Teddy's wife?
Ling: Yep. Oh, she's one lucky girl.
Larry: Then who's the guy on the end?
Ling: Oh, that's Teddo's best friend, Mac.
Curly: Well, then who's Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hot and scarf?
Ling: That's a snowman.
Larry: Yeah, but what's his name?
Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?
Mother Superior: Well...
Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.
Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
Young Moe: Anesthetic!
Young Larry: Anesthetic!
Young Curly: Anesthetic!
Young Moe: 15 milligrams. Give!
Young Curly: Right.
[counts off on a croquet mallet]
Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen!
[conks Sister Mary Mengele out]
Mac: Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?
[Curly passes gas, everybody groans in disgust]
Curly: I'm sorry. I guess the pesto-bismol didn't work with the lobster.
Moe: Did you eat the shells again?
Curly: I don't know! It was on the plate, and then it wasn't.
[Curly puts binoculars to his eyes the wrong way]
Curly: It's Attila the Nun! She's a hundred yards out and closin' fast!
[he removes the binoculars and realizes how close Sister Mary-Mengele is]
Curly: [he wails]
Curly: Oh, you must be French. There's a lot of wee-wee.
Curly: Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!
Larry: [nervously] Moe, Moe!
Moe: What's the matter with y...
Curly: Call 411
Moe: [to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!
[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]
Moe: [to Curly] You, help out.
Moe: You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.
[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]
Larry: See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.
Moe: Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!
Sister Mary-Mengele: [dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.
Larry: She seems fine to me.
Moe: Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.
[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]
Larry: Hey, little fella, want a peanut? Dolphin's love peanuts, you know. Here you go. Catch.
[Larry tosses peanut to dolphin and it falls into its blow hole, the dolphin chokes]
Curly: Oh, my God! I think he's snufficatin'!
Larry: Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.
Moe: What are you grubworms doing?
Curly: Getting seconds on lobster.
Moe: Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.
Curly: I dipped it in pesto-bismol.
Moe: Oh, you like dipping, eh?
Moe: Come here.
[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]
Larry: Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!
Moe: What did I tell you about puns?
[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]
Carbunkle: You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?
Moe: Out of the way, 3PO, we got to get Teddy.
Carbunkle: This is an invitation-only party!
[points the way out for them]
Carbunkle: Now, good day!