Jessica:
I have to go... drop some kids in the pool.
Jessica:
What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts?
[
inhales big]
Jessica:
It hurts really bad right here.
Nick:
It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half.
Jessica:
Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?
Jessica:
Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.
Jessica:
Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?
Jessica:
I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it.
Jessica:
I have bubbles in my tummy... it's just air. It's not stink. Promise.
Jessica:
Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?
Jessica:
Why were there mouses?
[
on the aftermath of death]
Jessica:
Rigor who?
Jessica:
My boob gets in the way.
[
after being offered Buffalo wings]
Jessica:
No thanks. I don't eat buffalo.
Jessica:
I still managed to spend $200.
Nick:
That's never been a problem with you.
[
discussing the curved champagne glass]
Nick:
It's got a little lean to it. Kind of reminds you of something else, doesn't it?
Jessica:
Okay.
Nick:
Oh, I can't help myself.
Jessica:
Don't be nasty. And don't tell everybody you lean.
Jessica:
I could feel your teeth.
Nick:
They're not my teeth, actually.
Jessica:
Oh, I forgot. They're "ventures". No, that's dentures.
Nick:
Ventures?
Jessica:
What are they called?
[
Nick laughs]
Jessica:
Veneers.
[
Nick laughs]
Jessica:
I thought "dentures" and I thought "veneers". And then I came up with "ventures".
Nick:
Yeah. "Think" is the key word.
[
trying to tuck in her napkin]
Jessica:
Not there.
Nick:
Oh, I'm sorry.
Jessica:
You'll mess up my cleavage.
Nick:
Impossible.
Nick:
What do you mean we're going to be in Atlantic City on our anniversary.
Jessica:
My dad didn't know it was our anniversary and he scheduled me to perform.
Nick:
Are you kidding me?
Jessica:
I wish. He doesn't know when our anniversary is.
Nick:
Oh, bulls**t he doesn't know when our anniversary is. He was at the wedding.
[
saying why she is not going to eat the fast food]
Jessica:
I have a hard booger in my nose, and it makes it - I think it's going to make it bleed.
Jessica:
The first thing I'm going to do is poop.
[
opening a birthday present]
Nick:
It's a little display case for my baseballs.
Drew:
Open it up, you douche!
Nick:
Oh, you mean, there's already one in there?
Drew:
I'm cheap but I'm not that cheap!
[
discussing Nick's diamond studded watch]
Jessica:
Do you like your gift?
Nick:
I love it Baby. I like it a lot. How much did you pay for it? I'm serious. How much was it?
Jessica:
$55,000
Nick:
Fifty - are you crazy? - $55,000?
[
discussing the new sheets Jessica bought]
Nick:
How much were they?
Jessica:
Huh?
Nick:
How much? How much?
Jessica:
$1400.
Nick:
Jessica Simpson!
Jessica:
What?
[
giggles]
Jessica:
Don't be mad. Oh, Nick, come on.
Nick:
$1400 for sheets?
Jessica:
Well, you sleep on 'em every night.
Nick:
I sleep on the ones we got now every night. I don't have a problem.
Jessica:
Well, I don't like them. I don't sleep good.
Nick:
Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets.
Nick:
[
to Jessica] Even the washing machine thinks that $1400 is
[
bleep]
Nick:
ridiculous. It refuses to wash them.
Jessica:
Well, I'm gonna take a shower. And wash off everybody's foot jam.
Nick:
[
snickers] Foot- foot jam?
Jessica:
Yeah, I mean, I was in a pool of water all day long that everybody's feet was in.
Nick:
Isn't it toe jam?
Jessica:
Whatever.
[
someone reading off restrauntant names]
Guy:
All right, Hamburger Hamlet, Harbor House, Oriental Seafood...
Jessica:
Anal Seafood? What?
Tina:
Angel Seafood.
Jessica:
Oh.
Guy:
No, Oriental Seafood.
Jessica:
Oriental.
[
laughs]
Jessica:
I thought he said "Anal Seafood".
Jessica:
[
talking to Nick] Lea had dinner on the table and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry.
Jessica:
[
talking on the phone] Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties.
Jessica:
So you want to go to Home Depot today?
Nick:
I'm kissing your neck and you ask about Home Depot. What the hell is wrong with that picture?
Nick:
[
walking into Home Depot] Alright. Bee killer. Draperies.
Jessica:
No. I'm not getting my draperies at Home Depot.
Jessica:
[
talking to Nick] I like your hairy ass. If you want me to lick it, I'll lick it.
Nick:
Do you want to go have sex?
Jessica:
No.
Jessica:
You married me.
Nick:
Don't remind me!
Jessica:
I still love you.
Nick:
What do you mean, 'I still love you.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Jessica:
No I mean...
Nick:
I still love you in spite of what? I still love you in spite of what?
Jessica:
In spite of your decorating.
Nick:
Well then you get off your ass and do it.
Drew:
[
hanging up albums with Nick] Do you want gold or platinum?
Nick:
Platinum... give me the good stuff.
Jessica:
I'm complaining about the money to get a designer. That is all I'm complaining about. And I will just hire you. That's fine.
Nick:
Well how am I getting paid if you are hiring me?
Jessica:
In the bed.
Nick:
Well I want a raise. With extra benefits.
Jessica:
What are those?
Nick:
You know what I'm talking about.
[
Nick is trying to discuss his plans to decorate the house]
Jessica:
You're such a girl. Why do you care? I'm going to do it.
Nick:
Listen, Miss Bossy Britches.
Jessica:
I'm asking you. I'm not bossing.
Nick:
Yes, you are.
Jessica:
I'm not. I'm asking you. Please.
Nick:
No, you didn't ask.
Jessica:
Baby, I'm drunk. Let me be bossy.
[
talking on her cell phone]
Jessica:
I'm 23, that's almost 25, and that's almost mid-twenties.
[
using "gaa" instead of "God"]
Jessica:
Oh gaa!
Nick:
That's it, I'm going to bed.
[
on plane]
Jessica:
Oh gaa!
Lea:
Jessica!
Nick:
Shut it!
[
smelling candle]
Jessica:
Oh, I love this scent!
Lea:
What scent is it?
Jessica:
[
to friend] Do you remember what scent this is?
[
reads label]
Jessica:
Oh, it says it's unscented.
Nick:
Do you remember, right after we got married - I tried to get some in the car and you weren't having it?
Jessica:
Well, no! I wanted my first time to be in a bed. You think I'd wait that long and then go at it in a car? Ew.
Jessica:
We're going to have to re-wall our house.
Jessica:
Get fired up!
Joe Simpson:
Jessica has waited to sing about or have sex until she's married. And now she's married and now and I think we're celebrating the fact that she can do it until she's blue in the face and she can sing about it too.
Jessica:
Whatever, I think they're sluts.
Nick:
[
to the waiter] Excuse me, sir, can I just get your opinion on this? Do you think the girls who work at Hooters are sluts?
Waiter:
I really don't have one opinion one way or the other.
Nick:
[
Nick looks perplexed.] Well, would you ever date one?
Waiter:
No, I'm gay.
Jessica:
Why don't you open the car door for me any more? At the begining of our marriage you were so eager to open the door for me.
Nick:
Because at the beginning of our marriage I got laid.
Nick:
[
before Jessica goes on stage for her concert] I wanna love you forever!
Jessica:
I love the smell of these candles, I wonder what are they again?
[
checks label]
Jessica:
Oh, unscented.
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