Jessica: I have to go... drop some kids in the pool.
Jessica: What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts?
Jessica: It hurts really bad right here.
Nick: It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half.
Jessica: Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?
Jessica: Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.
Jessica: Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?
Jessica: I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it.
Jessica: I have bubbles in my tummy... it's just air. It's not stink. Promise.
Jessica: Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?
Jessica: Why were there mouses?
[on the aftermath of death]
Jessica: Rigor who?
Jessica: My boob gets in the way.
[after being offered Buffalo wings]
Jessica: No thanks. I don't eat buffalo.
[discussing the curved champagne glass]
Nick: It's got a little lean to it. Kind of reminds you of something else, doesn't it?
Nick: Oh, I can't help myself.
Jessica: Don't be nasty. And don't tell everybody you lean.
Jessica: I could feel your teeth.
Nick: They're not my teeth, actually.
Jessica: Oh, I forgot. They're "ventures". No, that's dentures.
Jessica: What are they called?
Jessica: I thought "dentures" and I thought "veneers". And then I came up with "ventures".
Nick: Yeah. "Think" is the key word.
[trying to tuck in her napkin]
Jessica: Not there.
Nick: Oh, I'm sorry.
Jessica: You'll mess up my cleavage.
Nick: What do you mean we're going to be in Atlantic City on our anniversary.
Jessica: My dad didn't know it was our anniversary and he scheduled me to perform.
Nick: Are you kidding me?
Jessica: I wish. He doesn't know when our anniversary is.
Nick: Oh, bulls**t he doesn't know when our anniversary is. He was at the wedding.
[saying why she is not going to eat the fast food]
Jessica: I have a hard booger in my nose, and it makes it - I think it's going to make it bleed.
Jessica: The first thing I'm going to do is poop.
[opening a birthday present]
Nick: It's a little display case for my baseballs.
Drew: Open it up, you douche!
Nick: Oh, you mean, there's already one in there?
Drew: I'm cheap but I'm not that cheap!
[discussing Nick's diamond studded watch]
Jessica: Do you like your gift?
Nick: I love it Baby. I like it a lot. How much did you pay for it? I'm serious. How much was it?
Nick: Fifty - are you crazy? - $55,000?
[discussing the new sheets Jessica bought]
Nick: How much were they?
Nick: How much? How much?
Nick: Jessica Simpson!
Jessica: Don't be mad. Oh, Nick, come on.
Nick: $1400 for sheets?
Jessica: Well, you sleep on 'em every night.
Nick: I sleep on the ones we got now every night. I don't have a problem.
Jessica: Well, I don't like them. I don't sleep good.
Nick: Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets.
Nick: [to Jessica] Even the washing machine thinks that $1400 is
Nick: ridiculous. It refuses to wash them.
Jessica: Well, I'm gonna take a shower. And wash off everybody's foot jam.
Nick: [snickers] Foot- foot jam?
Jessica: Yeah, I mean, I was in a pool of water all day long that everybody's feet was in.
Nick: Isn't it toe jam?
[someone reading off restrauntant names]
Guy: All right, Hamburger Hamlet, Harbor House, Oriental Seafood...
Jessica: Anal Seafood? What?
Tina: Angel Seafood.
Guy: No, Oriental Seafood.
Jessica: I thought he said "Anal Seafood".
Jessica: [talking to Nick] Lea had dinner on the table and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry.
Jessica: [talking on the phone] Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties.
Jessica: So you want to go to Home Depot today?
Nick: I'm kissing your neck and you ask about Home Depot. What the hell is wrong with that picture?
Nick: [walking into Home Depot] Alright. Bee killer. Draperies.
Jessica: No. I'm not getting my draperies at Home Depot.
Jessica: [talking to Nick] I like your hairy ass. If you want me to lick it, I'll lick it.
Jessica: I still love you.
Nick: What do you mean, 'I still love you.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Jessica: No I mean...
Nick: I still love you in spite of what? I still love you in spite of what?
Jessica: In spite of your decorating.
Nick: Well then you get off your ass and do it.
Drew: [hanging up albums with Nick] Do you want gold or platinum?
Nick: Platinum... give me the good stuff.
Jessica: I'm complaining about the money to get a designer. That is all I'm complaining about. And I will just hire you. That's fine.
Nick: Well how am I getting paid if you are hiring me?
Jessica: In the bed.
Nick: Well I want a raise. With extra benefits.
Jessica: What are those?
Nick: You know what I'm talking about.
[Nick is trying to discuss his plans to decorate the house]
Jessica: You're such a girl. Why do you care? I'm going to do it.
Nick: Listen, Miss Bossy Britches.
Jessica: I'm asking you. I'm not bossing.
Nick: Yes, you are.
Jessica: I'm not. I'm asking you. Please.
Nick: No, you didn't ask.
Jessica: Baby, I'm drunk. Let me be bossy.
[talking on her cell phone]
Jessica: I'm 23, that's almost 25, and that's almost mid-twenties.
Jessica: Oh, I love this scent!
Lea: What scent is it?
Jessica: [to friend] Do you remember what scent this is?
Jessica: Oh, it says it's unscented.
Nick: Do you remember, right after we got married - I tried to get some in the car and you weren't having it?
Jessica: Well, no! I wanted my first time to be in a bed. You think I'd wait that long and then go at it in a car? Ew.
Jessica: We're going to have to re-wall our house.
Jessica: Get fired up!
Joe Simpson: Jessica has waited to sing about or have sex until she's married. And now she's married and now and I think we're celebrating the fact that she can do it until she's blue in the face and she can sing about it too.
Jessica: Whatever, I think they're sluts.
Nick: [to the waiter] Excuse me, sir, can I just get your opinion on this? Do you think the girls who work at Hooters are sluts?
Waiter: I really don't have one opinion one way or the other.
Nick: [Nick looks perplexed.] Well, would you ever date one?
Waiter: No, I'm gay.
Jessica: Why don't you open the car door for me any more? At the begining of our marriage you were so eager to open the door for me.
Nick: Because at the beginning of our marriage I got laid.
Nick: [before Jessica goes on stage for her concert] I wanna love you forever!