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Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica (TV Series 2003–2005) Poster

Quotes

Jessica: I have to go... drop some kids in the pool.

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Jessica: What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts?

[inhales big]

Jessica: It hurts really bad right here.

Nick: It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half.

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Jessica: Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?

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Jessica: Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.

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Jessica: Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?

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Jessica: I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it.

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Jessica: I have bubbles in my tummy... it's just air. It's not stink. Promise.

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Jessica: Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?

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Jessica: Why were there mouses?

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[on the aftermath of death]

Jessica: Rigor who?

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Jessica: My boob gets in the way.

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[after being offered Buffalo wings]

Jessica: No thanks. I don't eat buffalo.

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Jessica: I still managed to spend $200.

Nick: That's never been a problem with you.

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[discussing the curved champagne glass]

Nick: It's got a little lean to it. Kind of reminds you of something else, doesn't it?

Jessica: Okay.

Nick: Oh, I can't help myself.

Jessica: Don't be nasty. And don't tell everybody you lean.

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Jessica: I could feel your teeth.

Nick: They're not my teeth, actually.

Jessica: Oh, I forgot. They're "ventures". No, that's dentures.

Nick: Ventures?

Jessica: What are they called?

[Nick laughs]

Jessica: Veneers.

[Nick laughs]

Jessica: I thought "dentures" and I thought "veneers". And then I came up with "ventures".

Nick: Yeah. "Think" is the key word.

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[trying to tuck in her napkin]

Jessica: Not there.

Nick: Oh, I'm sorry.

Jessica: You'll mess up my cleavage.

Nick: Impossible.

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Nick: What do you mean we're going to be in Atlantic City on our anniversary.

Jessica: My dad didn't know it was our anniversary and he scheduled me to perform.

Nick: Are you kidding me?

Jessica: I wish. He doesn't know when our anniversary is.

Nick: Oh, bulls**t he doesn't know when our anniversary is. He was at the wedding.

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[saying why she is not going to eat the fast food]

Jessica: I have a hard booger in my nose, and it makes it - I think it's going to make it bleed.

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Jessica: The first thing I'm going to do is poop.

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[opening a birthday present]

Nick: It's a little display case for my baseballs.

Drew: Open it up, you douche!

Nick: Oh, you mean, there's already one in there?

Drew: I'm cheap but I'm not that cheap!

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[discussing Nick's diamond studded watch]

Jessica: Do you like your gift?

Nick: I love it Baby. I like it a lot. How much did you pay for it? I'm serious. How much was it?

Jessica: $55,000

Nick: Fifty - are you crazy? - $55,000?

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[discussing the new sheets Jessica bought]

Nick: How much were they?

Jessica: Huh?

Nick: How much? How much?

Jessica: $1400.

Nick: Jessica Simpson!

Jessica: What?

[giggles]

Jessica: Don't be mad. Oh, Nick, come on.

Nick: $1400 for sheets?

Jessica: Well, you sleep on 'em every night.

Nick: I sleep on the ones we got now every night. I don't have a problem.

Jessica: Well, I don't like them. I don't sleep good.

Nick: Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets.

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Nick: [to Jessica] Even the washing machine thinks that $1400 is

[bleep]

Nick: ridiculous. It refuses to wash them.

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Jessica: Well, I'm gonna take a shower. And wash off everybody's foot jam.

Nick: [snickers] Foot- foot jam?

Jessica: Yeah, I mean, I was in a pool of water all day long that everybody's feet was in.

Nick: Isn't it toe jam?

Jessica: Whatever.

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[someone reading off restrauntant names]

Guy: All right, Hamburger Hamlet, Harbor House, Oriental Seafood...

Jessica: Anal Seafood? What?

Tina: Angel Seafood.

Jessica: Oh.

Guy: No, Oriental Seafood.

Jessica: Oriental.

[laughs]

Jessica: I thought he said "Anal Seafood".

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Jessica: [talking to Nick] Lea had dinner on the table and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry.

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Jessica: [talking on the phone] Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties.

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Jessica: So you want to go to Home Depot today?

Nick: I'm kissing your neck and you ask about Home Depot. What the hell is wrong with that picture?

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Nick: [walking into Home Depot] Alright. Bee killer. Draperies.

Jessica: No. I'm not getting my draperies at Home Depot.

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Jessica: [talking to Nick] I like your hairy ass. If you want me to lick it, I'll lick it.

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Nick: Do you want to go have sex?

Jessica: No.

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Jessica: You married me.

Nick: Don't remind me!

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Jessica: I still love you.

Nick: What do you mean, 'I still love you.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Jessica: No I mean...

Nick: I still love you in spite of what? I still love you in spite of what?

Jessica: In spite of your decorating.

Nick: Well then you get off your ass and do it.

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Drew: [hanging up albums with Nick] Do you want gold or platinum?

Nick: Platinum... give me the good stuff.

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Jessica: I'm complaining about the money to get a designer. That is all I'm complaining about. And I will just hire you. That's fine.

Nick: Well how am I getting paid if you are hiring me?

Jessica: In the bed.

Nick: Well I want a raise. With extra benefits.

Jessica: What are those?

Nick: You know what I'm talking about.

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[Nick is trying to discuss his plans to decorate the house]

Jessica: You're such a girl. Why do you care? I'm going to do it.

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Nick: Listen, Miss Bossy Britches.

Jessica: I'm asking you. I'm not bossing.

Nick: Yes, you are.

Jessica: I'm not. I'm asking you. Please.

Nick: No, you didn't ask.

Jessica: Baby, I'm drunk. Let me be bossy.

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[talking on her cell phone]

Jessica: I'm 23, that's almost 25, and that's almost mid-twenties.

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[using "gaa" instead of "God"]

Jessica: Oh gaa!

Nick: That's it, I'm going to bed.

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[on plane]

Jessica: Oh gaa!

Lea: Jessica!

Nick: Shut it!

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[smelling candle]

Jessica: Oh, I love this scent!

Lea: What scent is it?

Jessica: [to friend] Do you remember what scent this is?

[reads label]

Jessica: Oh, it says it's unscented.

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Nick: Do you remember, right after we got married - I tried to get some in the car and you weren't having it?

Jessica: Well, no! I wanted my first time to be in a bed. You think I'd wait that long and then go at it in a car? Ew.

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Jessica: We're going to have to re-wall our house.

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Jessica: Get fired up!

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Joe Simpson: Jessica has waited to sing about or have sex until she's married. And now she's married and now and I think we're celebrating the fact that she can do it until she's blue in the face and she can sing about it too.

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Jessica: Whatever, I think they're sluts.

Nick: [to the waiter] Excuse me, sir, can I just get your opinion on this? Do you think the girls who work at Hooters are sluts?

Waiter: I really don't have one opinion one way or the other.

Nick: [Nick looks perplexed.] Well, would you ever date one?

Waiter: No, I'm gay.

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Jessica: Why don't you open the car door for me any more? At the begining of our marriage you were so eager to open the door for me.

Nick: Because at the beginning of our marriage I got laid.

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Nick: [before Jessica goes on stage for her concert] I wanna love you forever!

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Jessica: I love the smell of these candles, I wonder what are they again?

[checks label]

Jessica: Oh, unscented.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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