The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
Luke Duke: What?
Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
Luke Duke: You thinkin' about throwin' that?
Uncle Jesse: Oh, I'm gonna throw it... I was thinkin' about pussy.
Uncle Jesse: You know what happens when a politician takes Viagra? He gets taller!
Uncle Jesse: Here's another one; drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?"
Cooter: [from the unrated version] Here, take my truck.
Luke Duke: Well, what if someone needed a tow?
Cooter: well, if I can't "toe" 'em, i'll just finger 'em.
Uncle Jesse: You know why tornadoes and blonds are so much alike?
Luke Duke: No.
Uncle Jesse: At first, there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.
Daisy Duke: You know what's gonna happen. They're gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I'm gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out.
Uncle Jesse: That's why we love ya, honey.
Daisy Duke: They planted a still on our farm.
Pauline: They *planted* a still? Why would they have to plant a still?
Daisy Duke: 'Cause they're too damn dumb to find our real still.
Uncle Jesse: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Luke Duke: What?
Uncle Jesse: A playboy.
Bo Duke: [after shooting a gas can with a flaming arrow] Boom-shakalaka!
Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn licence!
Luke Duke: What license?
Luke Duke: [while Bo and Luke are getting arrested in the courthouse] Well, now, I guess the party's over.
Boss Hogg: Dam right it is! As long as I'm the County Commissioner in the great State of Georgia, you two are gonna rot in the penitentiary. Cuff them!
Daisy Duke: Excuse me, Rick Shankley? I believe the governor has a statement to make.
Governor Jim Applewhite: I do?
Daisy Duke: Yes, sir. You were going to tell everyone about how these boys are heroes for saving Hazzard County.
Governor Jim Applewhite: As everyone knows, I have always been a great friend to the environment, and these boys are environmental heroes!
Uncle Jesse: And you're going to pardon them for all of their crimes, huh?
Governor Jim Applewhite: Moreover, as Governor, I hereby pardon these boys for any and all offenses against the great State of Georgia. Go 'Dogs!
Uncle Jesse: Governor, I want to thank you for pardoning me too.
Boss Hogg: Pardon you for what?
Uncle Jesse: For this!
[Uncle Jesse punches Boss Hogg in the mouth]
Governor Jim Applewhite: Oh, what the hell. I pardon him too!
[Enters room full of naked girls]
Bo Duke: Fuck me running!
Cop: What seems to be the problem, sugar?
Daisy Duke: I think something bounced up into my undercarriage.
Prisoner #2: [to Boss Hogg] Don't you know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
Daisy Duke: [Daisy walks into the sheriff's office wearing a very revealing bikini] Enos?
[leans in very close to him]
Daisy Duke: where's Boss Hogg holding Uncle Jesse and Pauline?
Deputy Enos Strate: Uh, out at your farm.
Daisy Duke: Thanks, Enos.
[gets up and walks off smiling]
Daisy Duke: That's got to be a new record.
Luke Duke: Were you wearing an armadillo helmet when you said it?
Bo Duke: [during car chase in Atlanta] Okay where's the highway?
Katie Johnson: I don't know don't you have a map?
Luke Duke: Wait!
[Luke pulls out a ma]
Luke Duke: i got it... Turn left up here. Tur left. turn left!
[Bo turns right]
Luke Duke: Dammit! I said left!
Bo Duke: I thought you said your left!
Luke Duke: My left is your left!
Bo Duke: I'm going to need these directions faster alright!
Luke Duke: It's okay. I know exactly where wer'e at
[Map flies out the window]
Rosco P. Coltrane: [over CB] I'm in hot pursuit of them Duke boys, and their piece of shit orange car!
Bo Duke: Piece of? - son of a bitch!
Katie Johnson: This is my roommate Annette from Australia.
Bo Duke: Oh, let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
[everyone stares at him]
Bo Duke: That's what they say down there...
Cooter: [talking about the General Lee] I'm fixin' to fix it.
Rosco P. Coltrane: You're fixin' to fix it? Boy, you couldn't fix an election if your brother was the governor.
Deputy Enos Strate: If Sheriff Rosco knew I was here, Boss Hogg would tan my hide.
Luke Duke: He spanks you?
Sheev: [Bo, luke, and Sheev are about to blow open a safe, but the fuse goes out] Hmm, must be a wet fuse.
Bo Duke: Maybe its backwards.
Sheev: Of course its supposed to be backwards it's a Chinese fuse.
Bo Duke: No, I mean its backwards from the way it's supposed to be.
Sheev: Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?
Bo Duke: I ate Chinese food once.
Sheev: Yea, well you don't blow up Mu Shu Pork my friend
Dil Driscoll: [after daisy beats up Dil for sweet talking her] So uh Bo, what's the story on that little pistol over there?
Bo Duke: Well, actually she's my cousin.
Dil Driscoll: You hittn' that?
Bo Duke: She's my cousin.
Dil Driscoll: Hopefully your kissing cousin.
Bo Duke: Excuse me?
Dil Driscoll: Son,i guess all I'm asking is, if you shuck her corn.
The Balladeer: [while bo laughs with them and takes a drink, the balladeer speaks] Now there's some things you don't say to a Duke, about another Duke.
Bo Duke: [Bo finishes his drink] I'll shuck your corn!
[this is when the bar fight begins]
Uncle Jesse: # Just the good ol' boys/Never meanin' no harm/Beats all you never saw/Been in trouble with the law since the day they was born/Straightenin' the curves/Flattenin' the hills/Someday the mountain might get 'em but the law never will/Makin' their way the only way they know how/That's just a little bit more than the law would allow/Just the good ol' boys/Wouldn't change if they could/ Fightin' the system like a true modern day Robin Hood #
Rosco P. Coltrane: It appears them Duke boys made off with your safe.
Boss Hogg: I am officially upgrading the Dukes from "fly in my ointment" to "thorn in my side, and if they happen to elevate themselves to "pain in my ass"
[grabbing Rosco's nose with the tongs]
Boss Hogg: , I'm gonna boil you.
Uncle Jesse: Guy come out of an antique shop carrying a big grandfather's clock. Bumped into this drunk, broke the clock. Guy said, "Why don't you watch where you're going." The drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else."
Luke Duke: Yes. Yes. Wow. Ooh!
[looking at guy on campus]
Luke Duke: [to Bo] You've got to keep an open mind in college.
[pats Bo on the rear]
Luke Duke: Buckle up, ladies, this might get exciting.
Campus Cop #1: Do you know how fast you were going?
Bo Duke: What?
Campus Cop #2: How fast you were going.
Bo Duke: Ten?
Campus Cop #1: Eight.
Bo Duke: Isn't the speed limit ten?
Campus Cop #1: Yeah. It is.
[as the Dukes drive into Atlanta]
Female Passenger: Nice roof assholes... Join us in the 21st century?
[shoots the Dukes the double bird]
Bo Duke: [Looking at the newly-restored General Lee] Oh, man, is that a Hemi? Oh, yes!
Boss Hogg: [screaming into a CB radio] This is Boss Hogg. That road better be shut down tighter than a tick's ass!
Boss Hogg: I have $100 for whoever knocks that loudmouth son of a bitch out.
Prisoner #1: Dontcha know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
Bo Duke: Now, lets not loose focus Royce.
Royce: Yes, Mr. Takanoshi.
Bo Duke: What'd you call me?
Royce: ...Mr. Takanoshi.
Bo Duke: Right, that's my name.
Bo Duke: Man, I'm already tired of walking.
Luke Duke: Yea, but you need the exercise though, them jeans are looking tighter than Daisy's.
Bo Duke: Man, I'm never gonna get out of this car again! I'm gonna live in it, I'm gonna eat in it, and I'm gonna make sweet love to it!
Luke Duke: You mean you're gonna make sweet love *in* it.
Bo Duke: Oh no, I'm gonna have sex with it.
Campus Cop #1: [as the General Lee peels away from campus police] Mother of God...
Luke Duke: [Uncle Jesse takes a big gulp of moonshine while being pursued by the police] Stop that! Why are doin' that?
Uncle Jesse: What I'm about to do, I don't want to remember a lot of it.
[lights a wick in the jar and throws it at the police car chasing them]
Prisoner #1: Whoo, P! If you pop a feather in that hat maybe your man-hoe's would show you a little bit more respect, huzzah!
Boss Hogg: I have $100 here for whoever knocks that loudmouth son of a bitch out.
Prisoner #2: [punches Prisoner #1 in the face]
Bo Duke: [Bo and Luke are mad at each other, this is before they drive the general lee up the incline of a freeway bridge] Have you made your peace with God yet luke, Because you're about to meet your maker!
Royce: Are you really Japanese?
Luke Duke: Dammit, we are high-powered Japanese executives. We work hard and we play even harder. Now tell us what you see there or we'll find ourselves another candidate over at Georgia Polytech.
Bo Duke: [while driving General Lee in a roundabout] What's the purpose of this circle?
Sheev: Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?
Bo Duke: I ate Chinese food once
Sheev: Yea, well you don't blow up Mu Shu Pork my friend.
Bo Duke: I dated a Koren girl in high school.
Sheev: That is an entirely different Oriental nation. Get an education.
Bo Duke: You're the one who got the fuse wrong.
Sheev: You know nothing about Chyno Syno American relations.
Bo Duke: [makes sure none of the bottles of moonshine broke] Looks like I won the bet, you son of a bitch.
Luke Duke: Ah, c'mon!
Bo Duke: I didn't break any bottles so I won the bet.
Rosco P. Coltrane: [over C.B] All units! I'm in hot puruit of the Duke boys, and their piece of shit orange car!
Bo Duke: Piece of?... you son of a bitch!
Uncle Jesse: [Luke and Bo just failed a moonshine delivery] How many Dukes does it take to screw up a moonshine delivery?