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The Dukes of Hazzard (2005) Poster

Quotes

Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Luke Duke: What?

Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

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Luke Duke: You thinkin' about throwin' that?

Uncle Jesse: Oh, I'm gonna throw it... I was thinkin' about pussy.

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Sheev: Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?

Bo Duke: I ate Chinese food once!

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Bo Duke: Luke, you manwhore!

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Uncle Jesse: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?

Luke Duke: What?

Uncle Jesse: A playboy.

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Uncle Jesse: Why are divorces so expensive?

Luke Duke: Why?

Uncle Jesse: 'Cause they're *worth* it!

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[from trailer]

Prisoner #2: [to Boss Hogg] Don't you know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?

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Uncle Jesse: You know what happens when a politician takes Viagra? He gets taller!

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Luke Duke: [while Bo and Luke are getting arrested in the courthouse] Well, now, I guess the party's over.

Boss Hogg: Dam right it is! As long as I'm the County Commissioner in the great State of Georgia, you two are gonna rot in the penitentiary. Cuff them!

Daisy Duke: Excuse me, Rick Shankley? I believe the governor has a statement to make.

Governor Jim Applewhite: I do?

Daisy Duke: Yes, sir. You were going to tell everyone about how these boys are heroes for saving Hazzard County.

Governor Jim Applewhite: As everyone knows, I have always been a great friend to the environment, and these boys are environmental heroes!

Uncle Jesse: And you're going to pardon them for all of their crimes, huh?

Governor Jim Applewhite: Moreover, as Governor, I hereby pardon these boys for any and all offenses against the great State of Georgia. Go 'Dogs!

Uncle Jesse: Governor, I want to thank you for pardoning me too.

Boss Hogg: Pardon you for what?

Uncle Jesse: For this!

[Uncle Jesse punches Boss Hogg in the mouth]

Governor Jim Applewhite: Oh, what the hell. I pardon him too!

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[Enters room full of naked girls]

Bo Duke: Fuck me running!

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Bo Duke: [during car chase in Atlanta] Okay where's the highway?

Katie Johnson: I don't know don't you have a map?

Luke Duke: Wait!

[Luke pulls out a ma]

Luke Duke: i got it... Turn left up here. Tur left. turn left!

[Bo turns right]

Luke Duke: Dammit! I said left!

Bo Duke: I thought you said your left!

Luke Duke: My left is your left!

Bo Duke: I'm going to need these directions faster alright!

Luke Duke: It's okay. I know exactly where wer'e at

[Map flies out the window]

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Mr. Pullman: Hey, Bo.

Bo Duke: Jesus Christ! Oh, hey, Mr. Pullman. I nearly shit myself.

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Cooter: [from the unrated version] Here, take my truck.

Luke Duke: Well, what if someone needed a tow?

Cooter: well, if I can't "toe" 'em, i'll just finger 'em.

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Uncle Jesse: How's it lookin, good lookin?

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Luke Duke: Yes. Yes. Wow. Ooh!

[looking at guy on campus]

Luke Duke: [to Bo] You've got to keep an open mind in college.

[pats Bo on the rear]

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[from trailer]

Luke Duke: Buckle up, ladies, this might get exciting.

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Cop: What seems to be the problem, sugar?

Daisy Duke: I think something bounced up into my undercarriage.

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Daisy Duke: You know what's gonna happen. They're gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I'm gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out.

Uncle Jesse: That's why we love ya, honey.

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Daisy Duke: They planted a still on our farm.

Pauline: They *planted* a still? Why would they have to plant a still?

Daisy Duke: 'Cause they're too damn dumb to find our real still.

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Campus Cop #1: Do you know how fast you were going?

Bo Duke: What?

Campus Cop #2: How fast you were going.

Bo Duke: Ten?

Campus Cop #1: Eight.

Bo Duke: Isn't the speed limit ten?

Campus Cop #1: Yeah. It is.

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[as the Dukes drive into Atlanta]

Female Passenger: Nice roof assholes... Join us in the 21st century?

[shoots the Dukes the double bird]

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Bo Duke: Hey Man, don't hit him! That's AJ Foyt!

Luke Duke: Really?

Race Car Driver #1: The Fourth!

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Bo Duke: [after shooting a gas can with a flaming arrow] Boom-shakalaka!

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Bo Duke: [Looking at the newly-restored General Lee] Oh, man, is that a Hemi? Oh, yes!

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Boss Hogg: [screaming into a CB radio] This is Boss Hogg. That road better be shut down tighter than a tick's ass!

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Boss Hogg: I have $100 for whoever knocks that loudmouth son of a bitch out.

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Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn licence!

Luke Duke: What license?

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Prisoner #1: Dontcha know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?

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Bo Duke: Now, lets not loose focus Royce.

Royce: Yes, Mr. Takanoshi.

Bo Duke: What'd you call me?

Royce: ...Mr. Takanoshi.

Bo Duke: Right, that's my name.

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Bo Duke: Man, I'm already tired of walking.

Luke Duke: Yea, but you need the exercise though, them jeans are looking tighter than Daisy's.

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Bo Duke: Hey Roscoe, come on out you fat som' bitch!

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Bo Duke: Hey, Roscoe!

Luke Duke: Hi, Boo-Boo!

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Uncle Jesse: Here's another one; drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?"

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Daisy Duke: [Daisy walks into the sheriff's office wearing a very revealing bikini] Enos?

[leans in very close to him]

Daisy Duke: where's Boss Hogg holding Uncle Jesse and Pauline?

Deputy Enos Strate: Uh, out at your farm.

Daisy Duke: Thanks, Enos.

[gets up and walks off smiling]

Daisy Duke: That's got to be a new record.

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Katie Johnson: This is my roommate Annette from Australia.

Bo Duke: Oh, let's put another shrimp on the barbie!

[everyone stares at him]

Bo Duke: That's what they say down there...

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Bo Duke: Man, I'm never gonna get out of this car again! I'm gonna live in it, I'm gonna eat in it, and I'm gonna make sweet love to it!

Luke Duke: You mean you're gonna make sweet love *in* it.

Bo Duke: Oh no, I'm gonna have sex with it.

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Cooter: [talking about the General Lee] I'm fixin' to fix it.

Rosco P. Coltrane: You're fixin' to fix it? Boy, you couldn't fix an election if your brother was the governor.

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Deputy Enos Strate: If Sheriff Rosco knew I was here, Boss Hogg would tan my hide.

Luke Duke: He spanks you?

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Campus Cop #1: [as the General Lee peels away from campus police] Mother of God...

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Luke Duke: [Uncle Jesse takes a big gulp of moonshine while being pursued by the police] Stop that! Why are doin' that?

Uncle Jesse: What I'm about to do, I don't want to remember a lot of it.

[lights a wick in the jar and throws it at the police car chasing them]

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Prisoner #1: Whoo, P! If you pop a feather in that hat maybe your man-hoe's would show you a little bit more respect, huzzah!

Boss Hogg: I have $100 here for whoever knocks that loudmouth son of a bitch out.

Prisoner #2: [punches Prisoner #1 in the face]

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Daisy Duke: I think something bounced up in my undercarriage.

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Bo Duke: [Bo and Luke are mad at each other, this is before they drive the general lee up the incline of a freeway bridge] Have you made your peace with God yet luke, Because you're about to meet your maker!

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Royce: Are you really Japanese?

Luke Duke: Dammit, we are high-powered Japanese executives. We work hard and we play even harder. Now tell us what you see there or we'll find ourselves another candidate over at Georgia Polytech.

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Sheev: [Bo, luke, and Sheev are about to blow open a safe, but the fuse goes out] Hmm, must be a wet fuse.

Bo Duke: Maybe its backwards.

Sheev: Of course its supposed to be backwards it's a Chinese fuse.

Bo Duke: No, I mean its backwards from the way it's supposed to be.

Sheev: Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?

Bo Duke: I ate Chinese food once.

Sheev: Yea, well you don't blow up Mu Shu Pork my friend

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Dil Driscoll: [after daisy beats up Dil for sweet talking her] So uh Bo, what's the story on that little pistol over there?

Bo Duke: Well, actually she's my cousin.

Dil Driscoll: You hittn' that?

Bo Duke: She's my cousin.

Dil Driscoll: Hopefully your kissing cousin.

Bo Duke: Excuse me?

Dil Driscoll: Son,i guess all I'm asking is, if you shuck her corn.

The Balladeer: [while bo laughs with them and takes a drink, the balladeer speaks] Now there's some things you don't say to a Duke, about another Duke.

Bo Duke: [Bo finishes his drink] I'll shuck your corn!

[this is when the bar fight begins]

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Bo Duke: [while driving General Lee in a roundabout] What's the purpose of this circle?

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Luke Duke: Were you wearing an armadillo helmet when you said it?

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Sheev: Have you ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?

Bo Duke: I ate Chinese food once

Sheev: Yea, well you don't blow up Mu Shu Pork my friend.

Bo Duke: I dated a Koren girl in high school.

Sheev: That is an entirely different Oriental nation. Get an education.

Bo Duke: You're the one who got the fuse wrong.

Sheev: You know nothing about Chyno Syno American relations.

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Pauline: An apple?

Uncle Jesse: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

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Uncle Jesse: # Just the good ol' boys/Never meanin' no harm/Beats all you never saw/Been in trouble with the law since the day they was born/Straightenin' the curves/Flattenin' the hills/Someday the mountain might get 'em but the law never will/Makin' their way the only way they know how/That's just a little bit more than the law would allow/Just the good ol' boys/Wouldn't change if they could/ Fightin' the system like a true modern day Robin Hood #

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Bo Duke: [makes sure none of the bottles of moonshine broke] Looks like I won the bet, you son of a bitch.

Luke Duke: Ah, c'mon!

Bo Duke: I didn't break any bottles so I won the bet.

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Rosco P. Coltrane: [over CB] I'm in hot pursuit of them Duke boys, and their piece of shit orange car!

Bo Duke: Piece of? - son of a bitch!

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Jimmy: Get us closer and I'll shot the son of a bitch!

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Rosco P. Coltrane: [over C.B] All units! I'm in hot puruit of the Duke boys, and their piece of shit orange car!

Bo Duke: Piece of?... you son of a bitch!

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Uncle Jesse: [Luke and Bo just failed a moonshine delivery] How many Dukes does it take to screw up a moonshine delivery?

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Cooter: [from the edited version] Here, take my truck.

Luke Duke: Well, what if someone needed a tow?

Cooter: I've had 9 tows in 3 years, and you boys have been 8 of 'em!

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Rosco P. Coltrane: It appears them Duke boys made off with your safe.

Boss Hogg: I am officially upgrading the Dukes from "fly in my ointment" to "thorn in my side, and if they happen to elevate themselves to "pain in my ass"

[grabbing Rosco's nose with the tongs]

Boss Hogg: , I'm gonna boil you.

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Uncle Jesse: Guy come out of an antique shop carrying a big grandfather's clock. Bumped into this drunk, broke the clock. Guy said, "Why don't you watch where you're going." The drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else."

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Uncle Jesse: You know why tornadoes and blonds are so much alike?

Luke Duke: No.

Uncle Jesse: At first, there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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