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Vietnam veteran Billy Ray Lancing, a former CSA agent who now works on a wildlife refuge in Northern Alaska, has been exchanging letters in a pen-pal relationship with Irina Morawska, a 13-year-old orphaned girl in Poland that he's helping out financially. When the letters suddenly stop coming, Billy heads to Poland to figure out why -- only to discover that the orphanage that Irena was staying in, which is financed by honest -- and unsuspecting -- good-intentioned Samaritans, is a cover for a human trafficking network. Run by a man named Faisal, the operation is worth billions -- girls are sold and traded to the highest bidders from all over the world. Through Billy's letters to Irina, Billy has taught Irina how to use secret codes, which she uses to keep Billy updated on where Faisal is taking her to. That's how Billy stays on Faisal's trail as Billy teams up with local cop Kasia Lato to rescue Irina and the other girls, and bring down Faisal's human trafficking network. Written by
I want to put my head in a bucket of lye and jump off a cliff.
I feel so ashamed...I watched this movie from beginning to end. What can I say? I'm an idiot. I could have spent the time doing something much more enjoyable, like blinding myself with toothpicks or drinking lit Sterno. But, no, I watched and I suffered.
Segal's acting was never passable and his movie scripts were always formulaic and tedious, but his mastery of Aiki-Jitsu made the movies great. Now, he relies on gun battles almost completely. I think it's because he has trouble lifting his arms. The use of a double was so apparent throughout the film one has to wonder if Segal spent more than a weekend in Poland working on this movie. They even had a double dubbing his lines. But, to his voice double's credit, he did do a superb job of getting Segal's voice exactly, perfectly wrong. Either he's so fat that he can't breath deeply enough to talk (can you say Orson Wells and Marlon Brando) or they couldn't keep the food out of his mouth long enough to record the tracks. Judging from his sweaty, greasy, bloated and just plain frightening close-ups, what time he spent in Poland was most likely spent at the blini stand. Really, he looks like a Mr. Potato Head that's been dipped in oil. I think he has become the evil clone of Elvis. A huge, disgusting mockery of the genre. Unlike Elvis, though, he never really had talent. His self-created persona of the "Special Ops Killer" turned Ghandi is wearing so thin that even Paris Hilton has more credibility. However, I'll bet Segal's breasts are bigger.
Another point... I don't understand going to another country to make a cheap movie. There isn't anything in this movie that isn't here in America. We have lots of nice buildings and plenty of lousy, unknown actors. But, it seems the really bad American movies have to be made in foreign countries. Perhaps his next movie can be filmed in Nauru or Tuvalu. Or, even better, how about in his backyard using his cell phone camera? Can't be any worse.
Here are a few title suggestions for his next movie:
1) Out of Breath 2) Out of Ideas 3) Out of Cheetos 4) Out of His Mind 4) Hard to Watch 5) Out to Lunch 6) The Fatriot 7) Belly of the Star 8) Box of Clementines 9) Today You Diet 10) Enormous Shadow Man 11) Heart Attack Force 12) Fat of Fury and, of course... 13) Marked for $1.99
We all know what the story line will be.
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