Mean Girls (2004)
Karen: If you're from Africa, why are you white?
Gretchen: Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.
[trying to avoid plans with Regina]
Karen: I can't go out.
[faux coughs softly]
Karen: I'm sick.
Regina: Boo, you whore!
Cady: [narrating] Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.
Student: Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?
Janis: Your mom's chest hair!
Cady: Oh, god.
Janis: You dirty little liar!
Cady: I'm sorry, I can explain.
Janis: Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?
Damian: Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew.
Cady: You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be plastic.
Janis: Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic.
Damian: Curfew, 1:00 AM, it is now 1:10.
Janis: Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?
Cady: You know what? You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your 8th grade revenge!
Janis: God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean! You try to act so innocent like, "Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"
Cady: You know what! It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!
Damian: Oh, no, she did not!
Janis: See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.
[Damian drives away with Janis, yelling out the window]
Damian: And I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!
Gretchen: That is so fetch!
Regina: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!
[Mr. Duvall is introducing Cady to the class]
Mr. Duvall: Her name is Cady. Cady Heron. Where are you, Cady?
Cady: That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.
Mr. Duvall: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.
Janis: [to the female student body] Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash.
Janis: God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big *lesbian* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!
Karen: Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles.
Karen: And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it.
Karen: And I'm sorry for repeating it now.
Damian: [delivering candy canes] Taylor Zimmermann, two for you. Glenn Coco? FOUR for you, Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco. And uh... "Caddy" Heron. Do we have a "Caddy" Heron here?
Cady: It's Cady.
Damian: Oh Cady, here you go, one for you... And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.
Regina: Why don't I know you?
Cady: I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.
Cady: I used to be home-schooled.
Regina: Wait... what?
Cady: My mom taught me at home...
Regina: No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up! Shut up!
Cady: I didn't say anything.
Coach Carr: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.
Ms. Norbury: Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George?
[she watches all students and teachers raise hands]
Mrs. George: [serving the Plastics fruit drinks] Hey, you guys! Happy hour is from four to six!
Cady: Um, is there alcohol in this?
Mrs. George: Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink I'd rather you do it in the house.
Crying Girl: [reading from paper] I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...
[about to cry]
Damian: [shouting from back] She doesn't even go here!
Ms. Norbury: Do you even go to this school?
Crying Girl: No... I just have a lot of feelings...
Ms. Norbury: Ok go home...
[girl walks off stage]
Ms. Norbury: Next!
Janis: Regina George... How do I begin to explain Regina George?
Emma Gerber: Regina George is flawless.
Mathlete Tim Pak: I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.
Amber D'Alessio: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.
Kristen Hadley: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.
Short Girl: One time she met John Stamos on a plane...
- And he told her she was pretty.
Bethany Byrd: One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome.
Shane Oman: Why are you eating a Kalteen bar?
Regina: I'm starving.
Shane Oman: Man, I hate those things. Coach Carr makes us eat those when we want to move up a weight class.
Shane Oman: They make you gain weight like crazy.
Regina: Motherf -
[she spits out the bite of the bar that she was chewing, and then she lets out a high-pitched scream]
Gretchen: Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR!
Cady: [voiceover] Gretchen Wieners had cracked.
[seeing all the girls fighting]
Mr. Duvall: Hell, no. I did *not* leave the South Side for this!
[hits fire alarm with a baseball bat]
[Gretchen arrives at Karen's house, dressed in a cat suit with cat ears. Karen's in a skimpy short dress]
Gretchen: What are you supposed to be?
[Points to her headband]
Karen: I'm a MOUSE. DUH.
Karen: You know who's looking fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski.
Gretchen: Okay, you did not just say that.
Karen: What? He's a good kisser.
Gretchen: He's your cousin.
Karen: Yeah, but he's my first cousin.
Karen: So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins...
Gretchen: No, honey, uh-uh.
Karen: That's not right, is it?
Gretchen: That is so not right.
Bethany Byrd: [to Mr. Duvall] Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin, 'cause I use super-jumbo tampons, but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!
Damian: [reading the entry on himself from the Burn Book] "Too gay to function?"
Janis: That's only okay when *I* say it!
Regina: Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?
Lea Edwards: It was my mom's in the '80s.
Regina: Vintage, so adorable.
Lea Edwards: Thanks.
Regina: [after girl walks away] That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen.
Regina: I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.
Karen: Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?
Regina: I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Karen you're so stupid!
[Regina leaves, Gretchen follows]
Gretchen: Wait, Regina! Talk to me!
Regina: No one understands me...
Gretchen: I understand you!
[Regina & Gretchen's voices fade out]
Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.
Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!
Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.
Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
Cady: No no no... Anything else?
Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
Cady: What do you mean?
Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.
Cady: Really? That's amazing.
Karen: Well... they can tell when it's raining.
Damian: [reading Cady's class schedule] Health, Spanish... you're taking 12th Grade Calculus?
Cady: Yeah, I like math.
Damian: Eww. Why?
Cady: Because it's the same in every country.
Damian: That's beautiful.
Damian: This girl is deep.
Gretchen: I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular.
Karen: There's a 30% chance that it's already raining!
Regina: Why were you talking to Janis Ian?
Cady: I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack.
Regina: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
Chip Heron: Hey, how was school?
Betsy Heron: Were people nice?
Chip Heron: Did you make any friends?
Janis: That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Damien sat next to her in English last year.
Damian: She asked me how to spell orange.
Janis: That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners.
Damian: She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels.
Janis: Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business, she knows everything about everyone.
Damian: That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.
Janis: And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.
Damian: She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little workers.
Cady: And they have this book, this burn book, where they write mean things about all the girls in our grade.
Janis: What does it say about me?
Cady: [lying, because the book describes Janis as a dyke] You're not in it.
Janis: Those bitches!
Karen: God. My hips are huge!
Gretchen: Oh please. I hate my calves.
Regina: At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders.
Cady: [voiceover] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there's lots of things that can be wrong on your body.
Gretchen: My hairline is so weird.
Regina: My pores are huge.
Karen: My nail beds suck.
[pause. All look at Cady]
Cady: I have really bad breath in the morning.
Janis: [reading list the major cliques in high school] You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, J.V. jocks, Asian nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity jocks Unfriendly black hotties, Girls who eat their feelings, Girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually active band geeks,
[a picture of herself and Damian come on screen]
Janis: the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst. Beware of plastics.
Cady: Regina said she'll talk to Aaron. And now she is. How can Janis hate her? She's such a good... SLUT!
[Damien is in the Girl's Bathroom]
Short Girl: Hey, get out of here.
Damian: Oh my God - Danny DeVito! I love your work!
Cady: [after humiliating Regina] Wait Regina, I didn't mean for this to happen!
Regina: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care!
Cady: Wait Regina, just listen!
Regina: No! Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me! Yeah, so don't try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy c...
[Regina gets hit by a bus]
Gretchen: [reading from the Burn Book] Trang Pak is a grotsky, little byotch.
Regina: Still true.
Gretchen: Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.
Regina: Still half-true.
Karen: Amber D'Alessio . She made out with a hot dog.
Gretchen: Janis Ian-DYKE.
Karen: [pointing to Damien in background of picture] Hey, who is that?
Gretchen: I think it's that kid, Damien.
Cady: Yeah, he's almost too gay to function.
[Karen & Gretchen chuckle]
Regina: That's funny, put that in there.
Coach Carr: At your age, you're going to have a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you *will* get chlamydia... and die.
Gretchen: Regina, we have to talk to you.
Regina: Is butter a carb?
Cady: [Rudely] YES.
Gretchen: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.
Karen: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.
Regina: Whatever. Those rules aren't real.
Karen: They were real that day I wore a vest!
Regina: Because that vest was disgusting!
Gretchen: You can't sit with us!
Regina: [pause] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.
Regina: [after being ignored] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.
Ms. Norbury: [after implying that an elderly biker is her boyfriend] I'm kidding. Sometimes older people make jokes too.
Damian: My grandma takes her wig off when she's drunk.
Ms. Norbury: Your grandmother and I have that in common.
Gretchen: [to Cady] If only you knew how mean she really is... You'd know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told me hoops earrings were *her* thing and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannakuh my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium! I never told anybody that because I am *such* a good friend!
[begins to cry]
Regina: Cady, do you even know who sings this?
Cady: Um... the Spice Girls?
Regina: I love her. She's like a Martian!
Mrs. George: I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I'm not like a *regular* mom, I'm a *cool* mom.
Mrs. George: [as Regina and her boyfriend are making out on Regina's bed] Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.
Betsy Heron: Where's Cady?
Chip Heron: She went out.
Betsy Heron: She's grounded.
Chip Heron: [surprised] Are they not suppose to be let out when they're grounded?
Regina George: She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is?
Shane Oman: You're right, hon.
Regina George: I like *invented* her, you know what I mean?
Jason: [reading from the Burn Book] Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr! And so did Sun Jin Dinh!
Trang Pak: [in Vietnamese] You little slut!
Sun Jin Dinh: You're the slut!
[both start swearing in Vietnamese]
Mr. Duvall: Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behavior. And from young ladies. I've got parents calling me on the phone and asking, ?Did someone get shot?. I oughta cancel your Spring Fling.
[all girls shout, no, and whisper among themselves]
Mr. Duvall: Now, I'm not gonna do that because we've already paid the DJ, but don't think I'm not taking this book seriously. Coach Carr has fled school property. Ms. Norbury has been accused of selling drugs. Now what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're going to get it, right now. I don't care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.
Joan the Secretary: We can't keep them past four.
Mr. Duvall: I will keep you here until four.
Regina George: Wedell on South Boulevard.
Gretchen: Caller ID
Regina George: Not when you connect from information.
Taylor Wedell's Mom: Hello?
Regina George: Hello, may I please talk to Taylor Wedell?
Taylor Wedell's Mom: She's not home yet who's calling?
Regina George: This is Susan from Planned Parenthood, I have her test results. If you could have her call me as soon as she can. It's urgent, Thank You.
[Taylor Wedell's mom faints]
Regina George: She's not going out with anyone.
Joan the Secretary: And finally, the nominees for 'Spring Fling Queen'! Regina George...
Joan the Secretary: Gretchen Weiners.
[class applauds and Gretchen responds breathlessly]
Joan the Secretary: Janis Ian.
Regina: [confused] What is happening to the world?
[Janis shoves Damien]
Damian: I couldn't help myself!
Joan the Secretary: And finally, Cady Heron!
Cady: Damien? You put me in there, too? That's not part of the plan!
Damian: I didn't put you in there...
Cady: [surprised] You mean I'm really nominated?
Cady: [voiceover] Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
Regina: [referring to Cady's bracelet made in Africa] I love it!
Gretchen: So Fetch!
Regina: What is fetch?
Gretchen: Oh, it's like slang, from... England.
Regina: Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up?
Saleslady: Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try Sears.
Homeschooled Boy: And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.
Cady: [voiceover] I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch.
Cady: Regina seems... sweet!
Janis: Regina George is not sweet! She's a scum-sucking road whore, she ruined my life!
Kevin Gnapoor: [after cutting into dance] What's up?
Janis: Can I help you?
Kevin Gnapoor: You Puerto Rican?
Kevin Gnapoor: I feel that.
Cady: Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.
Janis: Why didn't they just keep home schooling you?
Cady: They wanted me to get socialized.
Damian: Oh, you'll get socialized all right, a little slice like you.
Cady: What are you talking about?
Janis: You're a regulation hottie.
Damian: Own it.
Mr. Duvall: Coach Carr, step away from the underage girls!
Cady: [voiceover] Ms. Norbury had us write out apologies to people we'd hurt in our lifes.
Michigan Girl: Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.
Bethany Byrd: Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons... but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!
Mr. Duvall: Yeah, I can't do this.
Janis: What is that smell?
Cady: Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.
Janis: You smell like a baby prostitute.
[Janis sprays deodorant at Cady]
Kevin Gnapoor: [rapping] Yo, yo, yo. All you sucka MC's ain't got nothing on me, from my grades to my rhymes you can't touch Kevin G. I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third. Shaken not stirred I'm Kevin Gnapoor. The G's silent when I sneak in your door. I make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play like Shaggy, you'll know it was me, cuz the next time you see her she'll be like "ohhh Kevin G."
Cady: [voiceover] Finally, Girl World was at peace.
Damian: Hey, check it out. Junior Plastics.
Cady: [voiceover] And if any freshmen tried to disturb that peace, well, let's just say we knew how to take care of it.
[Imagines Junior Plastics being hit by a bus]
Cady: [voiceover] Just kidding.
Jessica Lopez: I don't hate you cuz yo' fat... yo' fat cuz I hate you!
[dives backwards in her wheelchair into the crowd of girls]
Karen: [after being dumped by Aaron, Regina is crying and holding hands with Gretchen and Karen in her bedroom] Did he say why?
Regina: [sniffling] Somebody told him about Shane Oman.
Regina: He said some guy on the baseball team.
Karen: Baseball team?
Regina: I gave him EVERYTHING. I was half a virgin when I met him!
Karen: You want to do something fun?
Karen: You want to go to Taco Bell?
Regina: I CAN'T GO TO TACO BELL, I'M ON AN ALL-CARB DIET. God, Karen, you are SO stupid!
Regina: I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend... so, just promise me you won't make fun of her!
Jason: Is your muffin buttered?
Jason: Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?
Cady: My what?
Regina: Is he bothering you? Jason, why are you such a skeeze?
Jason: I'm just being friendly.
Gretchen: [whispers] You were supposed to call me last night!
Regina: Jason, you do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then scam on some poor innocent girl right in front of us three days later. She's not interested. Do you want to have sex with him?
Cady: No, thank you.
Regina: Good. So it's settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Jason.
Jason: [whispers] Bitch...
Mr. Duvall: Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new student joining us. She just moved here all the way from Africa.
Ms. Norbury: [to black Michigan girl] Welcome!
Michigan Girl: [offended] I'm from Michigan!
Ms. Norbury: Great!
Damian: She always looks fierce. She always wins Spring Fling Queen.
Janis: Who cares?
Damian: I care. Every year the seniors through this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring Fling. And whosoever is elected King and Queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee and since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would safely say, I care.
Janis: Wow, Damian, you've truely out-gayed yourself.
Ms. Norbury: [handing Cady her test back] Not your best.
Kevin Gnapoor: Damn, Africa, what happened?
Cady: [voiceover] The weird thing about hanging out with Regina was that I could hate her, and at the same time, I still wanted her to like me.
Regina: [to Cady] Okay... you have really good eyebrows.
Regina: [pushing Gretchen] Move.
Cady: [voiceover] Same with Gretchen: the meaner Regina was to her, the more Gretchen tried to win Regina back. She knew it was better to be in the plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with the plastics was like being famous... people looked at you all the time and everybody just knew stuff about you.
Girl: That knew girl moved here from Africa.
Girl: I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops.
Boy: That Cady girl is hot... she might even be hotter than Regina George.
Mr. Duvall: I hear Regina George is dating Aaron Samuels again. The 2 were seen canoodling at Chris Isen's halloween party... they've been inseparable ever since.
Mr. Duvall: Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?
Aaron Samuels: No.
Kevin Gnapoor: What are marijuana tablets?
Ms. Norbury: Ok, so we're all here 'cause of this book, right? Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores. Who here has ever been called a slut?
[Karen raise her hand proudly]
Ms. Norbury: [Joan the Secretary raise her hand shyly]
Cady: [after seeing Regina in mirror] Regina, wow, you look really beautiful.
Regina: I'm wearing a spinal halo.
Cady: Look, I'm really sorry about the bus. I feel like it's all my fault.
Regina: Stopping making this about you. I'm the one that got hit by the bus.
Cady: I'm really sorry about all the other stuff too.
Regina: Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication right now.
Cady: [Cady smiles]
Regina: You know Aaron really does like you. He's always talking about how unusual you are and it really pissed me off. Like this one time, I got this really expensive doll house from Germany, but I never played with it. So my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn't want it...
Cady: You begged your mom to let you keep it?
Regina: No. I threw it down the stairs.
Regina: I didn't want anyone else to have it. But that's just me.
Mrs. George: Regina! There about to announce the queen.
Mrs. George: Hello.
Regina: Can you believe my f-ing mom is here?
Regina: [they giggle]
Regina: We do not have a clique problem at this school.
Gretchen: But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".
Regina: What are "frenemies"?
Gretchen: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies".
Karen: Or "enemends".
Gretchen: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors".
Regina: [rolls eyes] That is so gay.
Karen: [gasps] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"?
Gretchen: No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it.
Cady: I think I'm joining the Mathletes.
Regina: You cannot do that. That is social suicide. *Damn*! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.
Mr. Duvall: So, uh... how was your summer?
Ms. Norbury: I got divorced.
Mr. Duvall: Oh. My carpal tunnel came back.
Ms. Norbury: I win.
Gretchen: [in her English class essay, after being humiliated by Regina] Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what Rome is about. We should totally just *stab* Caesar!
Cady: [Voiceover] Gretchen Wieners had cracked.
Trang Pak: [in Vietnamese to a second Vietnamese student] Nigga, please!
[reading a printed page from the Burn Book]
Damian: Janis Ian - Dyke.
Janis: Oh, that's original.
[reading about himself]
Damian: "Too gay to function?"
Janis: Hey, that's only ok when I say it.
Gretchen Wieners: I think tonight might be the night with Jason.
Karen: What are you talking about? You've already slept with him
Gretchen Wieners: [pauses] Yeah but tonight's night i like it.
Cady: Wow. Your house is really nice.
Regina: I know, right?
Gretchen: Make sure you check out her mom's boob job. They're hard as rocks.
Janis: Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.
Regina George: 120 calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that?
Gretchen: Uh, 48 into 120?
Regina George: I'm only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.
Cady: It's 40 percent. Well 48 over 120 equals X over 100 and then you cross multiply and get the value of X.
Regina George: Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.
Cady: What do we even talk about?
Janis: [shrugs shoulders] Hair products!
Damian: [interrupts] Ashton Kutcher.
Cady: Is that a band?
Ms. Norbury: [to Cady] I know having a boyfriend might seem like the only thing important to you right now, but you don't have to dumb yourself down in order for a guy to like you.
Gretchen: [Talking to Cady] And you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week, so I guess you chose today.
Cady: [about Regina] I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she'd look like a British man.
Chip Heron: This is your lunch, OK? I put a dollar in there so you can buy some milk; you can ask one of the big kids where to do that.
Betsy Heron: Do you remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you just in case. Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it. OK? You ready?
Cady: I think so.
Kevin Gnapoor: Look, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I only date women of color.
Cady: I have to pee.
Gretchen: Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that's just like the rules of feminism.
Damian: My nanna takes her wig off when she is drunk.
Ms. Norbury: Your nanna and I have that in common.
Betsy Heron: Where's Cady?
Chip Heron: She went out.
Betsy Heron: She's grounded.
Chip Heron: Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?
Kevin Gnapoor: [rapping] Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me! From my grades, to my lines you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, OOH! KEVIN G!
Mr. Duvall: Thank you Kevin, that's enough!
Kevin Gnapoor: Happy holidays everybody!
Mr. Duvall: K.G. and the power of 3!
Ms. Norbury: You nervous?
Ms. Norbury: Don't be. You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Marymount boys is cute.
Janis: There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it
Amber D'Alessio: [reading from the burn book] Made out with a hot dog? Oh my God that was one time!
Gretchen: Well, I mean you wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you.
Cady: I wouldn't?
Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it's the same with guys. Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.
Mr. Duvall: I just wanted to say that you're all winners. And that I couldn't be happier the school year is ending.
Janis: Cady, you gotta steal that book
Cady: No Way!
Janis: Come on! We could publish it and then everybody would see what an ax-wound she really is!
[after learning Cady is home-schooled]
Regina: But you're, like, really pretty.
Cady: Thank you.
Regina: So you agree?
Regina: You think you're really pretty?
Cady: Oh... I don't know
Gretchen: Oh no, I can't say anything else until I have a parent or lawyer present.
Cady: [describing Regina] She's not even that good looking if you really look at her.
Janis: I don't know, now that she's getting fatter she's got pretty big jugs.
Damian: [escorting Cady down the hall] Watch out please! Fresh meat coming through!
Gretchen Wieners: And did you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT Prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium. And I never told anyone because... I was *such* a good friend.
Kevin Gnapoor: [seeing the Jingle Bell Rock dancers] Damn!
Kevin Gnapoor: I'd rather see you out there shakin' that thang.
[watching two girls in a catfight]
Jason: Yeah! Take your top off!
Cady: [at a Mathletes competition] The limit does not exist!
Regina George: It's called the South Beach Fat Flush and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours.
Aaron Samuels: Lemme see that... this isn't even cranberry juice, it's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all sugar.
Regina George: I wanna lose three pounds.
Karen: Oh my God, you're so skinny!
Regina George: Shut up.
Regina: Do you know what people say about you? They say you are homeschooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of me. So don't try to act all innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hairy little...
[gets hit by a schoolbus]
Cady: [voiceover] In the real world, Halloween is when kids dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it.
Cady: So, are you gonna send any candy canes?
Regina: No. I don't send them, I just get them. So you better send me one, byotch.
Cady: She took him back. Regina took Aaron back.
Janis: Oh, no, Cady...
Cady: Why would she do that?
Janis: 'Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives.
Cady: And they have this book, this "Burn Book" where they write mean things about girls in our grade.
Janis: Well what does it say about me?
Cady: You're not in it.
Janis: Those bitches.
Jason: Did you see nipple? It only counts if you saw a nipple!
Student: Yeah, that's true dude...
Bethany Byrd: [referring to Regina George] One time, she punched me in the face. It was AWESOME.
Cady: [voiceover] Oh, no. It was coming up again, word vomit... no, wait a minute...
Regina: What is this?
Cady: [voiceover] Actual vomit.
Cady: Grool... I meant to say cool and then I started to say great.
Kevin Gnapoor: Cady, this is your night. Don't let the hataz stop you from doin' ya thang!
Cady: Did you just say "thang"?
Damian: Good news, they didn't get run over... Bad news, they're still flat.
Mrs. George: Hey, hey, hey. How are my best girlfriends?
Mr. Duvall: Miss Smith, why would Regina refer to herself as a ?fugly slut?
Regina George: Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back. Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?
Cady: Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
Janis: We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen, and then we crack the lock on Regina's whole dirty history.
Damian: Say crack again.
Gretchen: Growing up female in this world is not easy. In China, baby girls are routinely put up for adoption. And in parts of Africa, women are still made to live in tents during the time of their menses.
Gretchen: And even in fancy countries like the United States and England, seven out of ten girls have a negative body image.
Regina George: Who cares? Six of those girls are right!
Karen: [thinks she flashed over] Oh my god, she's so annoying.
Gretchen: Who is?
Karen: Who's this?
Karen: Right... hold on.
[Karen flashes over]
Karen: Oh my god, she's so annoying.
Regina: I gave him everything... I was half a virgin when I met him!
Aaron Samuels: Hey!
Aaron Samuels: And you are... a zombie bride.
Cady: An "ex-wife."
Aaron Samuels: Love it. Can I get you a drink?
Aaron Samuels: All right. Be right back.
Regina: [Cady and the Plastics are getting into their start positions for Jingle Bell Rock] Uh, Gretchen? Switch sides with Cady.
Gretchen: But I'm always on your left!
Regina: Well, that was when we were three of us, and now the tallest go in the middle.
Gretchen: But the whole dance will be backwards! I'm always on your left!
Regina: And right now, you're getting on my last nerve! Switch!
[Gretchen reluctantly swaps sides with Cady in the positions]
Gretchen: I mean no offense, but how could she send you a candy cane? She doesn't even like you that much. Maybe she feels weird around me because I'm the only person who knows about her nose job. Oh my god, pretend you didn't hear that.
Cady: Hi, I don't know if anyone told you about me, I'm a new student here, my name is Cady Heron.
Kristen Hadley: Talk to me again and I'll kick your ass!
Regina: [On the phone] I know your secret.
Cady: [to herself] Oh god, busted! Just start apologizing and crying. No, play it cool.
Cady: Secret? What are you saying about?
Regina: Gretchen told me you like Aaron Samuels. I mean, I don't care, do whatever you want, but lemme just tell you something about Aaron, all he cares about is school and his mom and his friends.
Cady: Is that bad?
Regina: But if you like him, whatever. I mean I could talk to him for you if you want.
Cady: Really? You would do that? I mean nothing embarassing though, right?
Regina: Oh no, trust me, I know exactly how to play it. But wait, aren't you *so* mad at Gretchen for telling me? Because if you are you can tell me, it was a really bitchy thing for her to do.
Cady: Yeah, it was pretty bitchy, but I'm not mad, I mean I guess she just likes the attention.
Regina: See, Gretch? I told you she's not mad at you!
Gretchen: [Suddenly appears in the same phone conversation] I can't believe you think I like attention!
Regina: [to both Cady and Gretchen] Ok, love you, see you tomorrow!