The Joe Schmo Show (2003– )

Ralph Garman: 'The Smarmy Host', Derek Newcastle 'The Pompous Host', Self, Jake Montrose

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Somebody is about to be evicted] 

  Ralph Garman : One of you is about to say goodbye to high society, and return to your sad existence of working for the man.

• Derek Newcastle : Austin, you may now present your black balls.

• Derek Newcastle : Love, it's why we're all here. But tonight, one of you will be pulled off its sweet teat of acceptance, only to sample the bitter aftertaste of rejection.

• [Derek is giving a fake back story of the show before the cast plays a game] 

  Derek Newcastle : Well everyone, the original version of Last Chance for Love was actually done in England with myself as host. And we had many popular games we played on that show like, "Tally ho, ho, ho", "Who's in the loo?", and "Carton of Fags". We're now about to play my favorite of all the games, "Bangers and Mash".

• [Piper, during a game, has to eat a piece of food out of a sack while blindfolded] 

  Derek Newcastle : The sack is right in front of your face. Just put your face in that sack and eat away.

  Derek Newcastle : [Piper laughs, Derek is more direct]  Piper, put your face

  [chuckles] 

  Derek Newcastle : in the sack!

• Derek Newcastle : [reading a Falcon Twist with James Bond references]  This ought to scare the living daylights out of you. Love is as precious as a diamond. And as we all know, diamonds are forever. But love sometimes is not. Tonight, fate will point its gold finger at two of you, you'll be evicted. That's right, we'll be having a "Pearl Necklace" and "Flame-of-love" eviction ceremony tonight. If Austin and Piper choose to sever their emotional bond with you, the world is not enough to save you. The rest of you will have a chance to die another day.

• Ralph Garman : Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust. Gina, you're dead to us. Please leave.

• Ralph Garman : What would you do if your entire world turned out to be fake? If an army of writers, producers and actors spent over a year creating TV's most elaborate experiment around YOU? If they plotted your every move, recorded it 24 hours a day, and put it on National Television? Well, that's EXACTLY what happened to THIS guy. Meet Matt Kennedy Gould: One real guy competing for $100,000 on a reality show that HE doesn't know... is FAKE. Starring nine actors: Melissa Yvonne Lewis as Ashleigh, the Rich Bitch; David Hornsby as Hutch, the Asshole; Angela Dodson as Molly, the Virgin; Franklin Jones as Earl, the Veteran; Nikki Davis as Gina, the Schemer; Lance Krall as Kip, the Gay Guy; Brian Keith Etheridge as Brian, the Buddy; Kristen Wiig as Dr. Pat, the Quack, and me, Ralph Garman as the Smarmy Host. All performing for the one guy who thinks it's real.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : This place is f***in' starting to drive me crazy.

  Ralph Garman : This is "The Joe Schmo Show."