Alfie: It seems to me the problems you worry yourself sick about never seem to materialize. It's the ones that catch you unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon that knock you sideways.
Alfie: What have I got? Really? Some money in my pocket. Some nice threads, fancy car at my disposal, and I'm single. Yeah... unattached, free as a bird... I don't depend on nobody. Nobody depends on me. My life's my own. But I don't have peace of mind. And if you don't have that, you've got nothing. So... So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself. What's it all about? You know what I mean?
Alfie: Whenever you meet a beautiful woman, just remember somewhere there's a man who's sick of shagging her.
Alfie: In every doomed relationship, there comes what I like to call "The uh-oh moment". When a certain little something happens, and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end. And suddenly you stop and you think, "Uh-oh, iceberg ahead".
Alfie: I felt I needed a friend to talk to. But as it was, they were suddenly in short supply.
Alfie: [to the viewer] I told you how we men are. We want showstoppers. And the problem is, Julie hasn't got enough of the superficial things that really matter.
Alfie: Personally, I've always suspected that everyone else is having a far merrier Christmas than I am.
Alfie: If you ooze masculinity, like some of us do, you have no reason to fear pink.
Alfie: [to the viewer] Couples should never split up between Thanksgiving and January 2nd. Always have a relationship to see you through the holidays. Always.
Alfie: [to the viewer] Of all the women I've known,the one I let my guard down with delivers the knockout punch
Joe: You did the only thing you could do. You behaved like a gentlemen.
Alfie: I've never been accused of that before.
Joe: Don't get all choked up. You also behaved like a scheming, back-stabbing, so low could look up a snake's asshole, son of a bitch. Next time think before you unzip.
Alfie: Alright, you screwed up. So what are you gonna do, hmm? Run to the bridge? The question is, what's gonna happen with the rest of your life.
Alfie: [to the viewer] I, myself, subscribe more to the European philosophy of life, my priorities leaning towards wine, women... well, actually, that's about it.
Julie: Where were you last night?
Alfie: I thought we agreed we weren't asking each other those questions.
Joe: There are two things I've learned in life: find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last.
Alfie: Strange. But even when you know it has to end, when it finally does, you always get that inevitable twinge: Have i done the right thing?
Alfie: [to Marlon, about Lonette] You were at her front door, 3 a.m. in the morning, begging and vomiting? And what, she wasn't charmed by that?
Alfie: You're lucky you know. I rarely allow anyone into my flat.
Alfie: And so, it came to pass, that after all those years, little Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas.
Alfie: Hang in mate. Come on, you can win her back. Woo her. Send flowers. Chocolates, right? Write a poem.
Wing: Dat what you do?
Alfie: Well, actually no, I've never done that. But it... maybe a way to go...
Wing: What rhyme with Blossom.
Alfie: I would try... awesome?
Alfie: I never... I never meant...
Marlon: ...You never mean to hurt anybody.
Marlon: But you do, Alfie.
Flower Shop Proprietor: Tell me what she - or he - is like, and we'll find the appropriate bloom.
Alfie: Well - she - is... You know what, she's adventurous.
[grabbing first bloom]
Flower Shop Proprietor: Frivolite!
Alfie: And, very sexy.
Flower Shop Proprietor: I'm thinking, Dolce Vita!
Alfie: A little mischievous. Cheeky?
Flower Shop Proprietor: Avalanche. With a touch of Mi Amore.
Alfie: And then under it all, she's, she's just. She's just kind of... sweet.