Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb's milk] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?
Farmer: Do they have what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Large talons.
Farmer: I don't understand a word you just said.
Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today.
Randy: [kicks the tots]
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
Napoleon Dynamite: [while hitch-hiking] So are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hookups?
Cholo No. 1: Simon!
[Mexican slang for "Hell, yeah!"]
Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Kip: LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.
[Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife]
Kip: Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate... I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...
Uncle Rico: How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
Randy: Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a pop.
Bullied Kid: I don't have any, Randy.
Randy: C'mon, I'll pay you back.
Bullied Kid: I don't have...
[Randy grabs him by the back of the neck and starts yanking up and down on it]
Randy: I'll do this to you...
Bullied Kid: Don't! Stop! Stop! Don't! Ow. Here, here.
[Randy grabs the money and walks away]
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon, who's been watching, walks up to the kid] How's your neck?
Bullied Kid: Stings.
Napoleon Dynamite: That's too bad.
[Napoleon offers him a boondoggle key-chain]
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.
[Cut to next scene - the bullied kid is taking his bike off a rack and Randy walks up]
Randy: Hey, let me borrow your bike.
Bullied Kid: No.
Randy: C'mon, I'll give you some chips.
Bullied Kid: No!
[They continue to struggle over the bike]
Cholo No. 1, Cholo #2: [drive up in their low-rider convertible, that has "Vote 4 Pedro" painted on the door. The driver shakes his head 'no' with a threatening look on his face. Randy gives up and walks away from the kid. The bullied kid smiles]
Kip: So when's grandma coming back?
Uncle Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
Napoleon Dynamite: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.
Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip is like 32 years old.
Kip: I don't mind if you stay.
Trisha: Hi, is Napoleon there?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes.
Trisha: Can I talk to him?
Napoleon Dynamite: You already are.
Uncle Rico: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?
Kip: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.
Uncle Rico: Right on... right on.
Trisha: I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
[through gritted teeth]
Trisha: It's hanging in my *bedroom*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Trisha: Yeah... it's really... neat.
Napoleon Dynamite: Why do you got your hood on like that?
Pedro: Well, when I came home from school my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.
Napoleon Dynamite: I know what you mean.
Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
Napoleon Dynamite: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon Dynamite: Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property!
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon Dynamite: Maybe I will, GOSH!
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.
Napoleon Dynamite: What the flip was Grandma doing at the sand dunes?
Rex: I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the reflexes of a PUMA, and the wisdom of a man.
Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a sledgehammer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
Napoleon Dynamite: [Cut to Pedro jumping] You got like three feet of air that time.
Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.
Napoleon Dynamite: [to Pedro] Just follow your heart. That's what I do.
Rex: At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?
[points to Kip]
Rex: Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Secretary No. 1: Is there anything wrong?
Napoleon Dynamite: I don't feel very good.
[takes telephone and dials number]
Kip: [making nachos on the other side of the line] Hi.
Napoleon Dynamite: Is grandma there?
Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
Napoleon Dynamite: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Kip: What do you need?
Napoleon Dynamite: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now.
Napoleon Dynamite: Just tell her to come get me.
Napoleon Dynamite: Cause I don't feel good!
Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?
Kip: No, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: But my lips hurt real bad!
Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.
Napoleon Dynamite: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!
Kip: See ya.
[Kip hangs up]
Napoleon Dynamite: Uh! Idiot!
Pedro: Vote for me, and all your wildest dreams will come true.
[Deb is making a glamour shot of Uncle Rico]
Deb: Okay, turn you head on more of a slant...
[all three turn their heads in a slant]
Deb: Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin.
[all three slowly ease up fists under their chins]
Deb: This is looking really good.
Kip: You can say that again.
[Uncle Rico acknowledges]
Deb: Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
[Uncle Rico pictures it and give a gleaming look at the camera]
Deb: [takes the picture] That was the one. I think that's gonna come out really nice.
Uncle Rico: Ah, how you did it... wow... well I felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb.
[Uncle Rico puts his fist down, then swats a fly]
Uncle Rico: You're up Kip.
Kip: Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?
[makes gesture of putting on a vest]
Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
Pedro: That girl over there.
Napoleon Dynamite: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Pedro: Build her a cake or something.
Kip: I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days.
Uncle Rico: Yeah, well what does she look like?
Kip: She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.
Principal Svadean: Look, Pedro, I don't know how they do things down in Juarez, but here in Idaho we have a little something called pride. Understand? Smashing in the face of a pinata that resembles Summer Wheatley is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire Gem State.
Kip: So, how long are we takin' about workin'?
Uncle Rico: What? Are you? you're already losing your steam?
Kip: No. I just? I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all.
Kip: All right.
Uncle Rico: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Kip: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe... maybe not. I don't know.
Uncle Rico: You... you? you pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like, for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I'll bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window.
Kip: [typing a poem on his computer] Your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a skate...
D-Qwon: [excitedly] Welcome to D-Qwon's dance grooves, are you ready to get your groove on?
Napoleon Dynamite: [deadpans] Yes.
D-Qwon: All right then, let's get started!
Uncle Rico: We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers.
Kip: How bout some gold bracelets?
Uncle Rico: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.
Kip: That's true, that's true.
Lyle: Over there in that pigpen, I found a couple of Shoshoni arrowheads.
Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Kip: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.
Napoleon Dynamite: [taunting a bully] Oh yeah? Who's the only one here who knows secret Ninja moves from the government?
Uncle Rico: So what do you think?
Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.
Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
Napoleon Dynamite: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
Napoleon Dynamite: You guys are retarded!
Pedro: Well, what are you going to wear to the dance?
Napoleon Dynamite: Just like a silk shirt or something. What are you gonna wear?
Pedro: Deb has something for me. But you should probably get a suit.
Napoleon Dynamite: So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?
Napoleon Dynamite: So, you got my back and everything, right?
Napoleon Dynamite: Never mind.
[last lines before post-credit sequence]
Napoleon Dynamite: You wanna play me?
[Napoleon answers the door and Deb is standing out there]
Deb: Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?
[holds out a photo]
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon takes the photo and looks at it] This is a girl.
Deb: [Deb continues nervously] Because for a limited time only, Glamour Shots by Deb are 75% off.
Napoleon Dynamite: I already get my hair cut at the Cuttin' Corral.
Deb: Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-woven handicrafts?
[Scene continues after Rex Kwon Do TV ad Kip's watching]
Deb: ... And here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
Napoleon Dynamite: I already made like infinity of those at scout camp.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.
Napoleon Dynamite: That one's good. It looks like a medieval warrior.
Deb: I could wrap you in some foam, or something billowy?
Pedro: They're pretty good, except for one little problem. That little guy right there. He is nipple number five. A good dairy cow should have, like, four.
Napoleon Dynamite: Just tell them that their wildest dreams will come true if they vote for you.
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, is that a new kid or something?
Napoleon Dynamite: Hello?
Corrina: Who's this?
Napoleon Dynamite: Napoleon Dynamite.
Napoleon Dynamite: Napoleon Dynamite. I'm one of Pedro's best friends.
Corrina: Your name is Napoleon?
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh. Kip hasn't done flipping anything today!
Kip: It's a time machine, Napoleon. We bought it online.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right.
Kip: It works, Napoleon. You don't even know.
Napoleon Dynamite: Have you guys tried it yet?
Kip: [reluctantly] No.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, nobody's going to go out with *me*!
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, but who would? I don't even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Pedro: Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like animals and warriors and stuff?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes... probably the best that I know of.
Pedro: Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out... and give it to her for like a gift or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: That's a pretty good idea.
Napoleon Dynamite: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.
Pedro: Is she *hut*?
Napoleon Dynamite: See for yourself.
[hands him Deb's glamour shot sample]
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamour shots for her birthday one year.
Pedro: I like her bangs.
Napoleon Dynamite: Me too.
[Napoleon Dynamite straps himself into the time machine]
Kip: So are you ready?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.
Napoleon Dynamite: Who are you?
LaFawnduh: I'm LaFawnduh.
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here?
LaFawnduh: I'm waiting for Kip.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip?
LaFawnduh: Why are you so sweaty?
Napoleon Dynamite: I've been practicing.
LaFawnduh: Mmmm. Practicing what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Some dance moves.
LaFawnduh: You like dancing?
Uncle Rico: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!
Uncle Rico: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
[pulls a check out of his shirt pocket]
Napoleon Dynamite: I could make that much money in five seconds!
Kip: Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.
Napoleon Dynamite: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!
Kip: [Napoleon has Kip in a sleeper-hold] Ow! Ah geez!
Napoleon Dynamite: What the crap was Uncle Rico doin' at my girlfriend's house?
Kip: Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
Napoleon Dynamite: Fine!
[Napoleon releases Kip]
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?
Kip: I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Napoleon Dynamite: I did?
Kip: Yeah, is it bleeding?
Napoleon Dynamite: A little bit.
Starla: [stops reading the 'Bust Must' testimonial] I don't feel comfortable reading this.
Uncle Rico: Oh, that's fine, that's fine. But do you feel comfortable with me?
[Rex drives up outside the home]
Uncle Rico: [getting down two sauce pans from above the kitchen sink] You could be... somewhere around... here
[positions the pots in front of her breasts]
Rex: [walks in and sees what Rico's up to. He pounds his fist into his other hand] Come here, boy!
[from outside the home, we hear Rico drop the pans, and commotion as Rex teaches him a lesson, and Rico yelping in pain]
Napoleon Dynamite: [using time machine] Ow! Ow! Ow! Kill the pow... It kills! My pack! Ow! Turn it off! Turn it off, Kip!
[Kip pulls the electrical cord out, and Napoleon yanks off the headband]
Napoleon Dynamite: It's a piece of crap it doesn't work!
Uncle Rico: Well, I could've told you that.
[Uncle Rico is standing in the hall, looking wounded and disappointed]
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro, how do you feel about that one?
Pedro: It looks nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's... it's incredible.
Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.
Pedro: If I win, you can be my secretary or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard, too. Or like, Secret Service Captain, or... whatever...
Uncle Rico: [talking about the breast enhancers] Why don't you sell some to your girlfriend. Might as well do somethin' while you're doing nothin'.
Kip: Because she doesn't NEED any, that's why!
[Napoleon and Deb are dancing]
Napoleon Dynamite: I like your sleeves. They're real big.
Deb: Thank you. I made them myself.
Napoleon Dynamite: So are you and Pedro getting really serious now?
Deb: No. We're just friends.
Deb: It's Deb. And I'm calling to let you know I think you're a shallow friend.
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you even talking about?
Deb: Don't lie, Napoleon. Your Uncle Rico made it very clear how you feel about me. I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself. And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself?
[Deb hangs up on him]
Deb: [Stunned, Napoleon hangs up and goes out to confront Uncle Rico]
Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Napoleon Dynamite: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon Dynamite: No. Not unless she likes fish.
Pedro: Who was that?
Napoleon Dynamite: Trisha.
Pedro: Who's she?
Napoleon Dynamite: My woman I'm taking to the dance.
Pedro: Did you draw her a picture?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes I did.
Don: Vote for Summer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.
Don: Then who you gonna vote for?
Napoleon Dynamite: I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?
[Don scoffs and walks away]
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?
[Don hands Napoleon a Vote 4 Summer button]
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, and runs away]
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
Uncle Rico: Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.
Summer: And if you vote for me, it will be summer all year round.
[Napoleon rides up to Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding on a horse]
Napoleon Dynamite: Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon walks up to Trisha's house to ask her out] Is Trisha here?
Ilene: Oh, I'm sorry, she's not. She's at a friend's house, right now.
Uncle Rico: [from inside Trisha's house, hard at work] Well, hey, Napoleon... Napoleon's m'nephew.
Ilene: Oh, that's nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: Could you just give this to her for me?
[hands Ilene a drawing of Trisha]
Ilene: I certainly could.
Napoleon Dynamite: Thanks.
[Ilene returns to Uncle Rico on the sofa]
Uncle Rico: Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in the hospital. He still wets the bed and everything.
Ilene: You're kidding.
Uncle Rico: Yeah, he's a tender little guy. He still gets beat up and what-not.
Uncle Rico: Anyway uh... so we still feelin' pretty good about this, uh, 32-piece set, here?
Summer: Well, I never thought I would make it here today. I would make a great class president because I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonne Bell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms. Oh, and we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. Anyway, I think I'd be a great class president. So, who wants to eat chiminichangas next year? Not me. See, with me it will be summer all year long. Vote for Summer.
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon sits down with Pedro at lunch] Where have you been?
Pedro: I was *seek*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Has Summer said anything to you yet?
Pedro: No, not yet.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, she said no.
Pedro: She did?
[Pedro thinks a second]
Pedro: Well, what about that other girl?
Napoleon Dynamite: What other girl?
Pedro: The one that left all that crap on your porch.
Napoleon Dynamite: You mean Deb?
Pedro: Yes her.
Napoleon Dynamite: What about her?
Pedro: Well, I asked her out too.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?