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13 out of 24 people found the following review useful:

Coup de la Crap

1/10
Author: cocoshell from Cali
13 December 2004

13 seconds...I wish the lenght of this celluloid waste would be that much. It's really hard to find the words to describe this retarded and excruciating experience which is watching this piece of garbage. Whoever decided to release it should see the psychiatrist to administer the treatment until it's not too late. How this homemade nonsense made it to the Blockbuster shelves is beyond me. I'm a fan of cheap horror movies but I must say that I had never seen anything like this. The cover might look appealing, they even cite the awards this movie got so it's easy to take the bait and spend your 3 something dollars ( since it's a new release ) and expose yourself to this unbelievably bad and painful experience. Yes, it's so bad that even your $30 DVD player from Wal-Mart will beg for mercy. You can see what I am talking about right from the first take. It looks like it was shot on your dad's VHS camera from when you were a kid. The acting is so bad, take David Hasselhoff and multiply it by 10 and you'll about to get the impression. "The actors" look like a crew of hicks/alcoholics from the dump in the worst neighborhood of your city gone "creative" after the 6th pint. The performances are so horrible that I recommend it to every aspiring actor/actress with self esteem issues. I guarantee they will lose all the complexes and feel reborn after seeing 13 secs. "The posse"'s ( I just can't call them actors anymore, sorry ) expressions and gestures just make you wanna laugh...for the first 15 minutes. After that it's not funny anymore. Even further, I noticed this flick was dubbed so if you watch their lips closely you'll notice the words coming out of their mouths are very much out of sync. Oh yeah, that's sound engineering :))I have to admit I seriously wanted to see it until the end but my brain refused to stoop beyond the point of about 1h into this sewer opening. There are plain bad movies, there are movies that are so bad they're actually good but 13 seconds takes it to a whole other level. This must be one of the worst movies ever to get a release on DVD and hit your video store. Despite the feeling of self-guilt, I can just thank the authors for recruiting fresh faces into the movie industry. After seeing 13 seconds of "13 seconds" you will feel the sudden urge to make your own movie and say to your partner/parent/friend: "What???? Even I can do better than this!!!!". On IMDb scale of 1-10 this movie is a zero. To end it short and effective : coup de la crap!!!

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13 out of 24 people found the following review useful:

A Rhapsody in Grue

Author: reaper1800 from Sumatra
2 June 2004

The horror genre in general tends to be cyclical in nature. For the last few years I, for one, have been waiting with baited breath to see who will be the next Craven, the next Carpenter, the next Romero or Hooper. Who will bring the next wave of horror to this generation? The answer can easily be found in 13 Seconds, the first full-length feature video release by Jeff Thomas.

The story, which seems secondary until the end, revolves around 'Night Gallery', a rock band, who makes the poor decision to record in an abandoned private school. Before we even get a chance to question the character's logic the movie keeps rolling into a miasma of disembodied voices, bizarre shadows roaming the hallway, and other gruesome surprises. The plot continues to move along at a pace where by the time we think we've figured out what is going on something new is thrown at us at a nightmarish, disjointed pace. Sure, the plot contains a few inconsistencies but by the time we've noticed them we're moving along to the next nasty surprise. By the time the credits roll the plot has wrapped itself up into a nice, tight, unusually satisfying finale that does what few modern mainstream efforts force us to do: Think. During those final credits I sat stunned knowing that I had seen the beginning of the next wave of modern horror.

That being said, this film isn't perfect. The acting does tend toward the wooden side. At times when I would have been s***ting my pants, crying like a little girl, and creating a large Reaper sized hole in the brick wall the characters tend to accept their fate in a surprisingly calm manner. But that's easy to forgive when you're immersed in an authentically creepy world filled with fog, shadows, and a lot of, lot of, lot of blood being splattered against the walls, dripping on the floor, and pouring out of the more unfortunate characters. In fact, if the acting is wooden the photography is absolutely double jointed.

Director and star Jeff Thomas knows what he wants to see and I loved it! The atmosphere is perfect and each shot is like viewing a gallery of grande guingol artwork piece by piece. At worst the shots are interesting and at best they are absolutely terrifying. From a technical standpoint 13 Seconds delivers in a way not seen since the heyday of Mario Bava. The light and art design is secondary to the way that Thomas utilizes those devices in a way that caresses every separate frame creating some of the creepiest imagery ever captured on film. Every scene is shot in a way that enraptures the audience and dares them to look away from the screen.

A film like 13 Seconds has been a long time coming as the nostalgia for the films of twenty years ago spring forth a new generation of horror. When asking whom the next John Carpenter is, the next West Craven is, the next George Romero is I honestly cannot answer. However, ask me who the next great horror filmmaker will be and I will, without hesitation answer Jeff Thomas. While Freddy brings the laughs, Jason brings the muscle, and Leatherface brings the intensity, there is a young director out there who will bring the nightmares for many more years to come. 13 Seconds is brilliant, beautiful, and mindblowing. Welcome to the new age of horror!

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1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

I actually tried to claw out my own eyes.

1/10
Author: badgerbadger104 from United States
9 June 2011

I do not do movie reviews. Ever. Before this. I am of the same camp of those that found that this movie actually made you angry. So angry that I created this account so that I might warn others away from this horrible waste of how ever many minutes long this was. The cover graphic should have those bad smell lines coming up off of it. The only enjoyable part of having seen this movie? Reading other's reviews. I know that most people end up just picking this up as a rental, having never seen it before. I'm sorry. You are now a part of the sad secret club. Those that have watched this movie. What has been seen cannot be unseen. It's akin to warning others of a pending zombie attack; you have the disbelievers ("oh really now, I'm sure that you're exaggerating"), the rubber neckers ("are you sure? let's just go have a look then."), and the survivors. Chances are, if you are here and reading this, you are one of the battle weary, slightly shell shocked survivors. Welcome, brothers. You are among friends. There will be punch and pie.

I have been sitting here for about half an hour, trying to quantify the amount of displeasure I feel for having been subjected to this movie. To do this without the use of profanity is especially challenging.

There is not a single redeeming thing about this movie.

Someone HAD to have lost a bet. This HAD to have been a wager to see who could create the most overwhelmingly awful movie, covering all aspects. Bad lighting? CHECK. Bad audio? CHECK. Crappy script? CHECK. Special effects that really suck? CHECK. Did we beat all of the cast members with the ugly stick? CHECK. Did you get the girls twice? CHECK. Did we get the dude that thinks he's Emilio Estevez? CHECK. Did all cast members destroy the part of the brain that even allows you to PRETEND to act? CHECK.

Speculation on my part, but I am guessing they blew the entire budget on the straight jacket and the corn syrup for fake blood. The horror teeth look like they came from those coin toy machines just inside the grocery store. The make up looks like papier mache and shoe polish. Or maybe oatmeal. ...And shoe polish. I can't be sure. I didn't care about it enough to look that closely.

WTF - I am really hoping that everyone in this was included because they were all friends; you don't PAY people to do this.

Seriously.

This movie made me want to punch babies. Twice. Who ever provided the funds for this needs to be relieved of all fiscal responsibility. STAT. I even can't think of a suitable punishment for those involved in this film. Something with eggs and toilet paper and warm weather comes to mind. And bitey bugs. Or maybe papier mache... And shoe polish. I can only hope that SOMEONE learned a lesson. But probably not.

To all those responsible for this horrible waste of plastic in the manufacture of this turd, please please PLEASE find something else to occupy your time. Being forced to eat a flaming pineapple with my butt while being maced repeatedly in the face would have been better use of my time. I kept waiting for someone to come up and squeeze a lemon in my eye. Seriously. My cat has taken dumps that were not only scarier, but more expressive. If you really feel the need to watch this cinematic horror, which it truly is, perhaps I can save you the rental fee in my suggesting that you simply stand next to an overfilled restaurant dumpster after a day of rain, in the summertime heat and just stomp the squishy rotting things in your socks. Or as a deterrent, hit yourself in the face with a frying pan. ...It works in cartoons.

To borrow a line from Venture Bros' Dean: "You should see a doctor, it smells like you pounded garbage into your butt!"

tldr; I wish I could unsee this.

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1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

worst film ever made

1/10
Author: luis691991 from London
13 February 2011

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

this film is shocking.bad acting bad directing and i would say bad plot but there wasn't one. i cant put into words how bad this is.who on earth funded this. why on earth did they fund this steaming pile of cat Pooh. this DVD needs to be confiscated from all shops trying to rent or sell this no good shocker.here are some of my points. 1.acting i have never witnessed such bad acting in my life.i don't know where they got the cast from but none of them can act.i mean none of them. 2.directing. it is impossible to comment without going into a four letter rant.but i imagine your starting to get the picture. 3.sound never have i watched a movie when the cast's voices are out of sync.this does these already awful actors no favours at all. 4.plot ?

if your looking for a horror this is not for you..STAY WELL AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

fat ugly people who cant act - 'nuff said!!!

1/10
Author: Arlis Fuson from United States
1 April 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This is one of those movies you wish had a rating lower than 1. It was horrible, I have seen worse which is sad, and it had a few creepy moments if you actually weren't trying to slice your wrist and noticed them...

It was about a rock band going to an abandoned building to make their new album and they find the place is haunted by trapped souls...Yeaaa, OK. Who goes to abandoned building with no electricity to make a CD? And what the hell was this place they were in...It had bedrooms, it had an auditorium, it had an art gallery, it had a basement where murders had happened years ago, parts of it looked hundreds of years old and other parts were clean and shiny and had new shiny doorknobs, and the bed rooms looked like they were just cleaned by Martha Stewart...so funny...

The guy who wrote and directed it also stars in it, and he was horrible in all three "jobs". It has a stupid opening and a stupid middle and an even dumber ending. The director threw in as many clichés and spot shots as he could film. These actors were all his friends I guess...Might possibly be the worst acting I have even seen. It was like when porn stars talk, but you can forgive porn stars cause they get naked and that's why you watch right? Well imagine a porn with no sex...thats this 13 seconds crap... These actors were fat and ugly too, like horribly ugly people, rather dumb and speaking crazy dialog. On top of that the overdubbing was bad, it was hard to hear, not that you would really want to.

It was my second time seeing it, I had forgotten every single detail to it, but I reviewed it under another name here on IMDb once before, my review is still there and I don't recall what I said but Im sure the rating hasn't changed....

Although horrible and flawed and bad in 99.9 percent of the ways, I will say it did have some decent special effects for some scenes, the creatures were very dumb, but Jeff did OK in some ways. I'm glad he hasn't really done anything else, cause we horror fans may like low budget and even watch No budgets and at least get a laugh, but this movie was just bad!!!!

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3 out of 5 people found the following review useful:

You have 13 Seconds to stop watching this movie.....

4/10
Author: DjFelix from United States
9 January 2006

13 Seconds was a very poor effort to bring a potentially good story to life. If this movie was made with a more competent set of actors it may have been a different story. With a mix of poor dialog and stiff acting abilities I found it very hard to take anything going on screen seriously.

Although I do have to admit there were some scenes had nice special effects which could have been a nice addition to the movie if they were actually worked into the movie effectively. This movie should get a 2 because it sucked but because of the special effects it will earn, like a Olympian in the special Olympics, a 4 just for trying.

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6 out of 11 people found the following review useful:

Almost Perfect

2/10
Author: Sollus
17 June 2005

This was on intriguing movie. I found it tasteful yet enlightening. Unlike any made previously. There were only minor additions/changes to reach the pinnacle of the art. A singing Scotsman in a blue kilt with his backup, a flock of dancing chickens and a magical dwarf doing the Stomp with garbage pails strapped to his feet. With these small modifications this would be one of the greatest musical numbers ever created. The level of emotion shown by the cast is similar to store mannequins. The director's vision seems to be driven by a Dummy's guide to Movie Making. The mood is set with the one light that could be borrowed for this home movie. The setting is contrived, the plot is aimless, heck they even used strobe lights and out of focus camera shots in this debacle. My nephew and his friends make more entertaining stuff for their website.

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8 out of 15 people found the following review useful:

This is THE worst movie ever made

1/10
Author: travis-j-rodgers from United States
21 March 2005

Some people say that Gigli is the worst movie of all time. I saw that. It was at least watchable. Some say Anklebiters is the worst. At least I can watch that movie and laugh at how bad it is.

Then I saw 13 Seconds. Or, more accurately, I saw 25 minutes of the movie. This is, without any doubt, the worst acting I have ever seen.

While I cannot say much for the film as a whole, the first 25 minutes are uninspired, unoriginal, and again, horribly acted. And it's not as if there's an incredible story to be told, if only you can force yourself to stomach the terrible acting. The effects are bad, the writing is terrible, and I came away from this movie thanking Hollywood Video that I am an MVP member and so I don't "really" have to pay for this movie. Given the number of films I rent, this one cost me about 50 cents.

Film did inspire me to ponder one huge question: How could this movie have been made?

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8 out of 15 people found the following review useful:

You should be ashamed!

1/10
Author: wingnut77 from Los Angeles
10 March 2005

Whomever made this piece of crap should be ashamed! As should every single actor in this movie. You all gave the most pathetic performances I've ever seen. I'm embarrassed for you! I seriously hope your all friends of the idiot that wrote this steaming pile of crap, and don't actually consider yourselves "actors". Aside from looking like a series of random shots that had little to nothing to do with one another, the script was obviously written by a pack of retarded sheep on a deadline of 20 minutes, and the acting. . . .oh I feel sorry for your families. I am offended by this pile of crap as someone in the film industry, and more so I'm offended as a human being. Please for the sake of humanity don't ever ever make movies again! Don't make them, work on them, rent them, watch them, or even think about them!

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11 out of 21 people found the following review useful:

Imagination and talent

6/10
Author: Shelaine Ellen from United States
17 May 2005

I rented this movie and was very impressed with the story line. The unexpected ending was true imagination and talent. Although the actors were not as seasoned as they could be, the actors did very well for their first film performance. The cover of the film did a lot to peak my interest to rent this movie, kudos for the artist who created it. My hat off to Jeff Thomas for this unique film, I am a Christian and this story really hits home for non believers and should make them think of their eternal destination. I would recommend this film to all my friends and truly hope to see more films from this very talent and imaginative artist.

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