Eating Out (I) (2004)
Caleb Peterson: What if he tries to grab me?
Kyle: We're not pirates. We just dress like them... and chase bootie. He'll be just as nervous as you, so try not to punch him if he makes a move on you or anything...
Caleb Peterson: You know, I don't think I'd punch him. I think I'd probably just start crying or something.
[as the boys leave for their date, Gwen decides Caleb can be had]
Marc: Goodbye, Gwen.
Caleb: Uh, bye, Gwen.
[the door closes]
Joey: You're not being very positive about this?
Gwen: I couldn't be any more positive if I was gang raped in a repository bin at the needle exchange.
[Joey states he might be just a little bit gay, so Gwen tests him]
Gwen Anderson: Can you list any tracks on Madonna's "Like a Prayer" album?
Joey: [going quickly] Um, "Express Yourself," "Cherish," "Oh Father..."
Gwen Anderson: "Vogue?"
Joey: No, honey, "Vogue" was on "Dick Tracy."
Gwen Anderson: It's not a fucking phase! You're a full-fledged homo!
Caleb Peterson: I think you turned me gay.
Tiffani: I did not "turn you gay!" How could you say that?
Caleb Peterson: I mean, don't take it personally.
Tiffani: I am a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
[after yet another boy she's dating confesses he's gay]
Gwen: I feel like a turnstile to the White Party!
Marc: When he's around, my heart beats like a trailer park husband.
Gwen: That is so gay. And I mean all three definitions.
Marc: Almost made it with a British guy in a broom closet, but he wouldn't kiss.
Gwen: Maybe your breath was penis-y.
Gwen Anderson: [to Caleb's parents] You know, you guys seem really nice.
Marc: Oh, my God. Gwen, don't.
Gwen Anderson: Caleb, honey, I'm gonna do you a really big favor.
Kyle: Oh, shit.
Gwen Anderson: You'll hate me now but you'll love me later.
Marc: Gwen, please.
Gwen Anderson: Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, your son is gay.
Jamie Peterson: [punching Caleb's arm] Fag, you're it!
Tiffani: I turned him gay, but I can turn him back.
Jamie Peterson: No fag-backs.
[as Marc leaves]
Sebastian: You know, kissing is so 1990s.
Kyle: You stole my boyfriend!
Caleb Peterson: He's not your boyfriend.
Kyle: Oh, so now you're gay?
Caleb Peterson: This was your idea.
Kyle: You knew how I felt about him!
Caleb Peterson: We're not doing anything.
Kyle: You're going on a date!
Caleb Peterson: That was HIS idea!
Kyle: I've been stalking him for years; you decided to be gay for one night.
Caleb Peterson: I'm not gay! Why don't you just tell him you like him?
Kyle: That would be as futile as drug testing at the Gay Games.
Marc: [entering the bathroom] We need to talk.
Caleb Peterson: [in mid-pee] D-dude!
Marc: I wasn't being honest. Now, I got to talk about it now or...
Caleb Peterson: I'm taking a leak.
Marc: Hmm, please, I've seen it.
Marc: [addressing the dick] How ya doin'?
Kyle: Guys around here are like day-old donuts. I mean, I eat 'em because they're there, but you don't wanna invest anything in them.
Tiffani: My titties didn't "occur" to you? Look at them, Caleb! They occur to every man I meet, but not you!
Gwen: If you've never tricked with a chick, are you sure you pick dick?
Gwen: Joey! Just remember - every time you suck a dick, every time you poke some boy in the brown eye - just remember that you've eaten pussy! You ate pussy and you liked it!
[as she has sex with Caleb]
Gwen Anderson: Eat it, little gay boy!
[Tiffani stands in the doorway]
Tiffani: I hear you have phone trouble, Miss Thing.
Kyle: That's Mister Miss Thing to you.
Caleb Peterson: Tiffani?
Tiffani: You little hose huffer!
Frank Peterson: Why don't you come join us?
Tiffani: Gomez, Morticia, and little Wednesday.
Jamie Peterson: Love you, gay bro.
Frank Peterson: [to all] Come on, I said family hug. We're all family here.
Susan Petersoon: [to all] Well, come on.
Gwen: [caught up in the emotional moment] Oh, what the fuck!
Gwen Anderson: You never mentioned Tiffani.
Susan Petersoon: Tiffani was a bitch.
Jamie Peterson: I liked her.
Frank Peterson: She was cute.
Caleb: What the hell are you making?
Kyle: Sausages. Big. Fat. Sausages.
Caleb: Dude, people don't eat sausages. You're supposed to make like spaghetti or some shit.
Kyle: Fine. You wanna cook?
Caleb Peterson: This isn't a kegger, bro. This is, like, serious. Who'd you invite?
Kyle: Like they said to Anne Frank, why don't you answer the door and find out?
Kyle: Being gay is more than... listening to good music and eating low-fat foods. There are certain things you have to do to convince the general public.
Caleb Peterson: Oh. We could stage a bashing.
Caleb Peterson: I waited twenty-four days to have sex with you.
Tiffani: Well, I didn't want to seem like a slut!
[Caleb and Marc return to Marc's darkened, vacated apartment]
Caleb Peterson: [calling out] Gwen!
Marc: Oh, trust me. If she were here, she'd be all up in our pubes.