Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!
Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
Spottswoode: Go get'em, cowboy.
Chris: All right, we fuckin' did it.
Spottswoode: Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.
Lisa: Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.
Kim Jong Il: I was sent from pranet Xiron to conquer the Earf / I had a twiffic pran - I thought it would work / I tried to get the Earfrings all to kill each other, y'see / But it all went wrong and now I must decree / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You have faiwred in every way / and now my stock in you has fawren / Your career is stawrin' / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / That's why I brew your head off / And your chirdren are all bawrin' / Pranet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods rike me / But arso with Balmacs who are giant bees / The Xipods and the Balmacs are at constant war / So we wanted a new home and that's what Earf was for / But you are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You fucked up my whole plan / and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac porren / Your garbage needs some hawring / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / Now I must return home a faiwrure / I'm afraid the pit of Cryrock is cawrin'.
Kim Jong Il: You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!
Joe: Your plan will fail! You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!
Kim Jong Il: Oh no? I've got Arec Barrwin!
Joe: Dear God!
Kim Jong Il: [to Lisa] When you see Arec Barrwin, you see the true ugriness of human nature.
Helen Hunt: Let's go, bitch. I've done action films!
Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.
French puppeteer: Sacre bleu!
French puppeteer: Oh, hello!
French Mother: Jean-Francois? Jean-Francois?
Gary Johnston: I'm leaving. I'm out.
Spottswoode: No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!
Gary Johnston: Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!
Spottswoode: Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary Johnston: No, they didn't!
Spottswoode: Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!
News Reporter: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world by blowing up half of Cairo
Carson: The terrorist is getting away with the WMD.
Joe: I got him
[fires a rocket at the terrorist, it misses and hits the Eiffel Tower causing it to collapse into the 'Arc de Triomphe']
Joe: Damn, I missed him!
Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary stops and listens]
Chris: I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and... I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?
Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!
Kim Jong Il: Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?
Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!
Lisa: I'm sorry, it's what?
Kim Jong Il: Inevit, inevitabre.
Lisa: One more time.
Kim Jong Il: [shouts] Inevitabre! Things are inevitabrey going to change! Goddamnit, open your fucking ears!
Joe: Cairo... that's in Egypt.
Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Gary Johnston: No.
Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything.
Kim Jong Il: I'm so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There's no one / Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work rearry hard and make up get prans / but, nobody listens, no one understands / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry / And so, I'm ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There's no one I can rerate to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It's kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it's fiwring my body with rage / I'm the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but, nobody erse seems to rearrize it / When I can the worrd maybe they'rr notice me / And untiwr then, I'wr be ronery / Yeaaaaah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me...
Samuel L. Jackson: Motha Fucka!
Chris: I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee it shoots out in all different directions.
Guy in Bar: See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!
Spottswoode: Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.
[Crowd applauses as Gary kisses Lisa]
Spottswoode: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.
Tim Robbins: Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their... in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y... and they make money.
Kim Jong Il: It will be 911 times 2356.
Chris: My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!
Lisa: Sometimes... believing is all we have.
song: ["End of an Act"] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark, When he made Pearl Harbor. / I miss you more than that movie missed the point, And that's an awful lot, girl. / And now, now you've gone away, And all I'm trying to say, is: Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school, He was terrible in that film. / I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part, He's way better than Ben Affleck. / And now, all I can think about is your smile, and that shitty movie, too! Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies? / I guess Pearl Harbor sucked, just a little bit more than I miss you.
Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the new world is inevitable.
Lisa: It's what?
Kim Jong Il: Inevit - inevitable.
Lisa: One more time?
Kim Jong Il: Inevitable! Things are inevitably going to change! Goddamnit, open your fuckin' ears!
Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Mrs. Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon: You will die a peasant's death!
Gary Johnston: [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: Uh, no. I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston: Yeah I bet you do.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!
[Gary gets in the limo]
Gary Johnston: I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!
Joe: Wait a second, can we really trust you?
Chris: Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?
Kim Jong Il: Hans Brix? Oh no! Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Hans!
Hans Blix: Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, but your guards won't let me enter certain areas.
Kim Jong Il: Hans, Hans, Hans! We've been frew this a dozen times. I don't have any weapons of mass destwuction, OK Hans?
Hans Blix: Then let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind. I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.
Kim Jong Il: Or else what?
Hans Blix: Or else we will be very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
Kim Jong Il: OK, Hans. I'll show you. Stand to your reft.
Hans Blix: [Moves to the left]
Kim Jong Il: A rittle more.
Hans Blix: [Moves to the left again]
Kim Jong Il: Good.
[Opens up trap, Hans falls in]
Kim Jong Il: Herro!
[Chris is fighting Samuel L. Jackson]
Samuel L. Jackson: Stop tryin' to hit me and hit me!
Kim Jong Il: [from animated storyboards] And take the girl to my bedroom.
Kim Jong Il: [as Koreans start releasing Sarah] No, not that one! The pretty one!'
Sarah: [Calling after Kim Jong Il, Korean guards and Lisa] That's right, take the pretty one instead of the one who has something to offer!
Spottswoode: That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Gary Johnston: HOLY SHIT! What happened to the base?
Intelligence: It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.
Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
[looks through binoculars]
Gary Johnston: [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!
Joe: Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker!
[fires missile at terrorist jeep]
Kim Jong Il: Korean dialogue
Translator: He asks what part of the deal you did not understand. He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you. He says he should fire his translator?
Chris: Surprise, cockfags!
Tim Robbins: Actors!
Tim Robbins: Attack!
Helen Hunt: Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel Jackson!
Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: Matt Damon.
Chris: Bad news Tim Robbins... I'm a smoker!
[he throws his cigarette and it causes an explosion killing Tim Robbins]
song: The hour's approaching to give it your best / And you've got to reach your prime / That's when you need to put yourself to the test / And show us the passage of time / We're gonna need a montage / Ooh, it takes a montage / Show a lot of things happening at once / Remind everyone of what's going on / In every shot, show a little improvement / To show it all would take too long / That's called a montage / Girl, we want a montage / In anything, if you want to go / From just a beginner to a pro / You need a montage / Even Rocky had a montage / Always fade out in a montage / If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage...
Spottswoode: Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you prisoner, well, you'll probably want to take your own life. Here, you'd better have this.
[hands Gary a hammer]
Kim Jong Il: [to terrorists on a giant monitor] Okay. Who brew up Panama Canal?
Terrorist: We were upset about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il: Goddamnit, how many times do I have to tehr you? You don't use the WMDs untihr you see the signahr! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very precise, and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up! Now take the weapons where I tord you and wait for the *goddamn* signahr this time! Goodbye!
[shuts off monitor, and cools down]
Kim Jong Il: God. Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
Terrorist: What do you know?
Gary Johnston: I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.
Terrorist: Get out of here! We have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives. What do you know about pain and sadness?
[Gary pauses, recalls sounds of gorillas roaring]
Gary Johnston: I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.
Terrorist: I like you. You have balls. I like balls.
Gary Johnston: Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
Terrorist: Ahhh! Derka derka derka!
[Allows Gary into terrorist hideout]
Joe: Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Chris: If there's a world left when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer.
Lisa: I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. is down! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!
Sean Penn: Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
Chris: If you betray us, I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and stuff them up your ass. So, the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!
Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
Joe: Uh... All right then. Let's move.
Lisa: Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.
Gary Johnston: But, I thought you weren't gay?
Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!
Terrorist: You have balls. I like balls.
Chris: Have you ever thought about just telling Sarah how you feel?
Joe: Oh, what would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me? I don't know nothin' about fancy cars and fancy restaurants. Still, I would love to show her a moonlit night out by the hay stacks.
Spottswoode: Gary, meet Chris. He may lack in courtesy, but he's the best martial arts expert Detroit has to offer.
Chris: Oh, come on, Sarah, you mean you never realized Joe has feelings for you?
Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to let you put your finger in me then I suck your cock and get a movie role!
Lisa: I'm so confused!
Lisa: It's too early for me to be having feelings for you.
Gary Johnston: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston: I promise I'll never die.
Matt Damon: MATT DAMON!
song: [Song] America, fuck yeah! Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah! / America, fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! / Terrorists, your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to / America, fuck yeah! So lick my butt and suck on my balls! / America, fuck yeah! What you gonna do when we come for you now!
Lisa: [to Gary] You had me at "dicks fuck assholes".
Lisa: Wait a minute! Look!
[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]
Kim Jong Il: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!
[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]
Kim Jong Il: So rong, Earthrings!
Gary Johnston: We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!
Chris: All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary Johnston: Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
Lisa: Fuck, yeah.
Gary Johnston: Fuck, yeah.
Kim Jong Il: Why is evawyrone so fuckin' stoopid?
Gary Johnston: We were all out at the zoo one day, I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who tossed him to another. Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too late. The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.
Alec Baldwin: By following the rules of the Film Actor's Guild, the world can become a better place; that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning; that, is the fag way. One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say, "wow, good going, fag. You really made the world a better place, didntcha, fag?"
Tim Robbins: We're guarrrrrrrds!
Janeane Garofolo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
Helen Hunt: I'm... Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel L. Jackson!
Matt Damon: [stupidly] Mmmaaattt Dammmmmooonnnn!
Chris: Jesus tittyfucking Christ dude, i could have sworn she was telling the truth!
Gary Johnston: That's why they call it acting.
Spottswoode: Jesus Tittyfucking Christ!
song: I need this/I need love/I need you/I don't need one heartbeat/I need two/There's an emptiness I need to fill/And only one emptiness will do/Only a woman/Can brighten up my day/Only a woman/Can touch me the right way/Only a woman/Is allowed to touch me there/All I ask is that you're a woman/I like rain, I like ham/I like you/You're around, you're right here/So you'll do/I'm gonna tell you how much I love your mind/But it simply isn't true/Only a woman/Can brighten up my day/Only a woman/Can touch me the right way/Only a woman/Is allowed to do what you're doing right now/All I ask is that you're a woman/And on Saturdays when I've been partying hard/And it's 4 in the morning, and I'm on my fifth tab of E/that's the only time I don't even care if you are a woman/Right now/Only a woman/Can brighten up my day/Only a woman/Can do it just the right way/Only a woman/Should be doing that right now/I just want you to be a woman/Please just be a woman/Or a man...
Chris: Suprise cock fags!
Kim Jong Il: I'm afraid your world is over!
Kim Jong Il: [Presses button. A countdown appears on the display]
Kim Jong Il: ...in five minutes.
Kim Jong Il: Yes! A ticking clock!
song: What would you do/if you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom/what would you do/if asked to make the ultimate sacrifice/would you think about all them people/who gave up everything they had/would you think about all them war vets/and would you start to feel bad/freedom isn't free/it costs folks like you and me/and if we don't all chip in, we'll never pay that bill/freedom isn't free/no, there's a hefty fucken fee/and if you don't all chip in your buck o'five who will/mmm buck o'five/freedom costs a buck o'five
Kim Jong Il: Now take your weapons of Mass Destruction, and get the fuck outta here!
Woman Shouting out Her Window at a Drunk Gary: Get out of the street you fucking bum! You gave up on life didn't you!
Lisa: We lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Spottswoode: Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.
Sarah: But how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Intelligence: I'm sorry.
Terrorist: Derka derka Muhammed Ali!