Reno 911! (2003–2009)
[talking to a junior high class]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now, I don't care if you wear mini-skirts. I don't care if you wear Dungarees. I don't care if you're good at basketball, I don't care if you're fun to be around. But you can rest assured that every one of you, at some point, is going to be raped.
Terry: There's was this guy at the store with this flamethrower, and he like grabbed this lady's baby and he's like, "Oh, I'm gonna kill this baby!" It was so sad, I was like crying...
[the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear]
Doctor: Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear.
Deputy S. Jones: Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here.
Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle: I don't feel the need to explain myself.
Deputy Williams: A healthy baby is worth $10-20,000 on the internet, even if it's Chinese.
Deputy Travis Junior: I think that Craig is a good match for Wiegel. Because, you know he's a killer, and Trudy wants to kill herself.
Deputy Travis Junior: But she can't ever really do it. She don't succeed.
Deputy James Garcia: So Craig could be there to give her the extra little push she needs. He'd be the one going "Go ahead and do it." Kind of like a Death Leprechaun...
Deputy Travis Junior: Dude, that would be a wicked cool name for a band.
Deputy Travis Junior: Who can guess what Circle the Wagons means? That is when you put three bunks, like the circling up of the wagons in a wagon train, an old cowboy movie, and they have the sheets hanging down so you can't see what's going on inside the four bunks and inside the four bunks about two dozen boys just fucked the shit out of this little mormon kid. Now they don't want to break your jaw because they still want your jaw to be able to work, so what it does it takes out your teeth and then they just skull-fucked the shit out of this boy. Uh... we came in and there wasn't really anything left. They ass-fucked him, skull-fucked him, they fucked his back, they've been up his shoulders and titty-fucked him with his shoulder blades. Fucked up shit, man. We came in here and all the convicts you know, all of them where like, "Uh... " you know, "He was fucked to death before we got here." So we couldn't really point the finger at nobody, because it was either all or nothing, and you ain't going to book two dozen people. Uh... so then, you know, that's when we starting bolting the bunks to the wall like that.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [on having sex with co-workers] I think that rules were made to be broken and I think that everybody should have sex with as many people as they possibly can. You only go around once in this life, and as long as everybody takes a shower, I don't know what the big deal is.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What if I said, "Which nigger took the last donut?"
Lt. Jim Dangle: That is wildly inappropriate.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Clemmy's unborn child is hopefully going to be a bastard, because... I'll tell ya, I've seen some of the men that she's spent time with and A: half of them are not... you know, white. And B: the other half are, uh, no more than above a fifth grade education.
Deputy Travis Junior: I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people.
[Jones reads a note in the bag of tacos he and Garcia ordered from a fast food taco joint]
Deputy S. Jones: Officers, there are two armed men inside.
Deputy James Garcia: I hope there are two-armed men in there. One-armed men wouldn't be able to serve tacos.
[after dropping off Jackie, a ditzy hooker, in somebody's front yard, telling her it was a halfway house]
Deputy James Garcia: That's no halfway house. It's halfway between the restaurant I took her to and where I live. That human piece of garbage would make Satan weep. God vomited and there was Jackie.
[Officer Garcia has been shot]
Deputy James Garcia: Oh, God, call for help.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Help. Help.
Deputy James Garcia: Use your goddamn radio.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Okay, the FBI agents want one of us to introduce them at the press conference. Who remembers their names?
Deputy James Garcia: Ooh, ooh. Deputy James Garcia.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Let me explain: Wiegel's fucking crazy.
Terry: I heard a rumor.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What's that, Ter?
Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.
Deputy James Garcia: Last night was just a jumpstart, I got feelings, and I wanna do this right.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Well, we can do it right later. Let's just do it wrong.
[pointing to members of the force]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: "F" you, "F" you,
[Points to Lt. Dangle]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: And fuck you.
Deputy S. Jones: I've dealt with your damm advances for years now, and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it, I'm straight, okay? You ever hear of sexual harassment? Ever hear of that? What do you take me for, I'm a punkass? Fuck you man, fuck you!
[He throws his wine on Dangle's shirt]
Deputy S. Jones: I can't believe this! I had shit to do today!
Lt. Jim Dangle: [crying] I'm just so lonely...
Deputy S. Jones: Save that shit, save it... a new low. A new fucking low!
Lt. Jim Dangle: I just need somebody to help me...
[Keeps on crying]
Lt. Jim Dangle: I'm going inside now... I'm sorry if I like you.
[He goes behind his moving van]
Deputy S. Jones: [pause] Hell, I'll try anything once, I guess.
Lt. Jim Dangle: You know what's flying in? Oh, a period... to your fucking sentence about the Lady Wolfback just arrived.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [discussing Dangle's promotion] There are women who prance around in these flitty, flirty little skirts and show their legs, and they get promoted day two. Poor Jim has been here a long time in those plum smugglers and he's about due.
Lt. Jim Dangle: [performing an anti-crystal meth song for a class of kids] You can monkey with a gibbon, You can fiddle with a bow / But before you snort that crystal meth, there's some things that you should know / Meth is made from antihistamines, in basement labs it's cooked / And possession is a felony, which means that you'll get booked / With a snort it zips right up your nose, and eats away your brain / It kills your sense of good and evil, and it makes you go insane / Here we go... / So don't meth with meth, Beth / Don't meth with meth, Seth / Don't meth with meth... Gwyneth / Don't meth with crystal meth!
Lt. Jim Dangle: Any questions? We do have about 45 minutes left... any requests? I know some Rush... a little bit of Floyd.
Kevin the Sex Offender: Morning, my name's Kevin Darling, I'm moving in next door, just thought I'd come by and tell you a little bit about myself. I'm, uh, divorced... in between jobs, somewhat of a foodie, convicted sex offender, I, I, I play chess not very well...
Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, back up to the...
Kevin the Sex Offender: The other thing?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah, that's right.
Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a foodie, and so I cook a lot.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be cute, Kevin.
Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a convicted sex offender. Whatever that means.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: What that means, ma'am, is you've got a pervert living in your neighborhood.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: As far as joining the FBI is concerned, let me put it this way. I failed a test to get in a book club.
Deputy Travis Junior: [to a prisoner] Don't you fucking eyeball me! Cot! Now, motherfucker!
[to a group of kids behind him]
Deputy Travis Junior: Hey kids. Alright, well let's go on with the tour.
Lt. Jim Dangle: [after his bike is stolen] Oh God, my bike! Oh fuck me! People are fucking assholes!
[some kids behind him laugh]
Lt. Jim Dangle: You'd better not be laughing at me! You're all accesories! Every one of you is an accesory!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You know what, f you. F you, and fuck you!
Craig Pullin: [after Wiegel finds a human foot in his fridge] Are you one of those drama queens? I can't have you freaking out every time you find a body part. Or we're gonna be in for a long night. I'm gonna go jerk off.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I don't go to your job and tell you, "You're goin' to hell."
Lt. Jim Dangle: [talking to Dr. Barnes] Di-did your test... can it show if an adult woman is retarded?
Deputy Travis Junior: Do you watch Rev. Lecarp's show?
Deputy James Garcia: I'd rather watch cats eat their own shit.
Deputy Travis Junior: Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you *know* Jeff Gordon's gonna die.
Lt. Jim Dangle: We have two passes to be witnesses at an execution. I know we all want these, so we're gonna do this the way we generally handle these things and we're gonna have a scavenger hunt.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I'm going to beat the living crap out of you.
Lt. Jim Dangle: I can't imagine any woman having sex with Garcia. I think it would be really angry, the sex.
Deputy S. Jones: You think so?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Have you ever heard him in the john? It's like Normandy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: If I'm addicted to anything, it's sparklers.
[Garcia locked himself in a morgue freezer on a bet]
Agent Cowen: Hey, get out of that freezer, sir. That's for dead people, not living idiots.
[talking to a Klan member]
Deputy S. Jones: Ok, let me tell you... D.T.A.M.S: Don't take another motherfucking step.
Deputy S. Jones: First O.J., then Kobe, now Jonesy! I didn't do anything!
Lt. Jim Dangle: [Die hard Kenny Rogers fans Garcia and Wiegel are assigned to protect Rogers] If I gave a shit about Kenny Rogers, I would take those two off this assignment.
Deputy Williams: [Williams is telling the DA who has been using the n word] Dangle, Junior, Wiegel... even Garcia. And you know who surprised me the most? Dangle! I mean, he a fag! And he calling everybody a nigger!
Deputy Travis Junior: [the gang has changed a Ten Commandments statue to a list of "Top 10 Reasons Why It's Cool To Be A Cop"] The court's okay with this?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Court's okay with it, State Department's okay.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Not even God can mess with us now! You hear that?
Lt. Jim Dangle: [cut to the next week's morning meeting] We're being sued by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's company.
Deputy Travis Junior: Too many lawyers, man.
Lt. Jim Dangle: This is a prime example of...
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Too many lawyers and not enough chefs.
[Garcia can't shoot a pinata from close range]
Deputy James Garcia: I will not let some little smiling pindejo ruin my 15 year anniversary!
[takes the pinata, puts it on the ground, and shoots it three times in the stomach]
Deputy James Garcia: Yeah! Yeah, who's laughing now, pindejo?
Deputy James Garcia: Motherfucker! Yeah! Who's smiling now? Fuck you! This is my 15 years! Mine!
[raises his arms in triumph]
Deputy James Garcia: Whoo! Whoo! Fuck yeah! Who's smiling now?... Let's have a beer!
[after a 72-hour suicide watch for Wiegel, Wiegel tells the troops she didn't actually try and kill herself, then Junior comes back with a beer]
Deputy Travis Junior: Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall hot one.
[notices the silence]
Deputy Travis Junior: What'd I miss?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean!
[Wiegel gives everyone the finger]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean!
Deputy Travis Junior: What did I miss?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: She can't find her way to the ocean.
Lt. Jim Dangle: She can't find her way to her car.
[Dangle has been tricked to dress as a chimney sweep for a police lineup]
Deputy Travis Junior: Number 5, could you come up and sing "Supercalifragilisticexplaladocous"?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!
[Jones and Dangle are playing a Halloween prank where Jones pretends to be dead. As Jones lies on a slab, all the others except for Wiegel are mourning him]
Deputy James Garcia: Jones... I'm gonna miss you Jones. I'm gonna miss you man.
[Jones jumps up and scares everyone. He and Dangle laugh while everyone else yells in surprise and anger]
Deputy James Garcia: That is not funny! That is not funny! You son of a bitch, Goddammit!
Deputy Williams: I cannot believe that you did this!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Shh, Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming!
Deputy James Garcia: [pause] Let's do it again!
[Dangle has made Jones help him move, and it turns out his house is only 50 feet away]
Lt. Jim Dangle: Here we are, casa de Dangle!
Deputy S. Jones: [pause] What the fuck?
Lt. Jim Dangle: What do you mean, what the fuck?
Deputy S. Jones: Dangle, we only moved, like, 45 feet! You could have done all of this shit yourself!
Lt. Jim Dangle: I'm sure it's more like 100 feet.
Deputy James Garcia: [holding up the Star of David that's on a Jewish crackhead with a wig] Oh, look at that! The Star of Daniel!
[Wiegel may be dating a serial killer]
Deputy S. Jones: Do I think Craig is the Truckie River Killer... yeah.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah... and it's the best she's gonna do.
Deputy S. Jones: Yeah.
Deputy Travis Junior: If you were on the moon, and you could fuck Wiegel and then leave her on the moon, you wouldn't fuck Wiegel?
Deputy James Garcia: Hell no... hell no!
Deputy Travis Junior: What the hell kinda woman do you want then? She's got all the right parts, just the-the... the wiring's screwy, ya know. It's like the flippers work and the bumpers work, it's just the wiring's screwy and the score's all wrong.
Deputy S. Jones: [everyone other than Jones appears to be dead in a shootout] Guys... guys?
Kenny Rogers: [waking up in his bed] Oh! Oh God!
Lt. Jim Dangle: [waking up next to Rogers] Whoa! Are you Kenny Rogers?
Kenny Rogers: Yeah.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Are you dreaming this or am I dreaming this?
Kenny Rogers: [slaps Dangle] Did that hurt?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Not really.
Kenny Rogers: Oh God, oh God.
Deputy James Garcia: [waking up in the office] Whoa!
Deputy S. Jones: Were you having that gayass Kenny Rogers dream again?
Deputy James Garcia: What Kenny Rogers dream?
Deputy Williams: The one you have all the time!
Deputy James Garcia: I don't dream about Kenny Rogers... I don't know what the hell you're...
Deputy S. Jones: [gently] Jimmy... get some help.
[Wiegel's boyfriend may be a serial killer]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: It really upsets me to hear what the other deputies say about Craig, but he cares for me. He told me that... he would cut my head off and eat it, if I ever needed him to. That's love, I'm sorry. He didn't need to say the L-word.
[Garcia and Johnson are ordering food in a restaurant on their date]
Deputy James Garcia: [handing the waiter a coupon] I'll have the chicken-fried steak and she'll have something of less than or equal value.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: There is some racial tension on the squad, and I mean, I think it's normal. But I think, unfortunatly, it all comes from one guy, Officer Garcia. And I mean, the poor guy can't help it, he's Mexican.
Deputy Williams: [in the locker room] The women on the force, have to get alone. I mean, we're the minorities. We got to stick together, sisterhood, girl power, all that jazz.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [to the camera] Rainesha Williams... is a loudmouth, backstabbing... Jew. I wanna say Jew, but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [in the locker room] I had a saying before I came to work here that feminism is bullshit. But I feel a sisterhood with these special, special people.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [to the camera] Officer Johnson... is a whore.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Lt. Dangle and I have a very special relationship. We're like a brother and sister... except a brother and sister who have sex.
Deputy S. Jones: [to a group of hookers] Hello ladies.
Deputy James Garcia: Can we help you tonight?
[Sees Dangle dressed in drag with the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia: Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Fellas... Garcia. Hey. I'm, uh, I'm working vice tonight.
Deputy James Garcia: Do you need backup?
Lt. Jim Dangle: No, no I'm deep cover. I'm getting a lot of leads.
Deputy James Garcia: Well, we could back you up.
Lt. Jim Dangle: No, no, no, I'm deep cover. I'm getting hot leads.
[Walks back to the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia: Um... doesn't he have Friday off?
Deputy S. Jones: He's working vice.
Deputy James Garcia: Yeah, but he's got Friday off.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [to a half naked man on top of a building] You got a whole half life left, and there are a lot of people who don't know you... I don't know what to say anymore!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [from the car] Excuse me, I accidentally locked myself in the car!
Deputy James Garcia: [Dangle is "working out" using the ladder of his bunk in front of Garcia] Dangle get you ass out of my face!
Lt. Jim Dangle: Get your face out of my ass!
Lt. Jim Dangle: [directing traffic school] *You* are the reason why our roads are dangerous! *You* are the reason why we're sitting here today. And because of *you*, we're going to sit here for eight hours. And for this service, we are getting paid a grand total of $31.50. That's right, we'd make more money working at Arby's. So why don't we call it a day and go get some Arby's?
Deputy Travis Junior: If a terrorist wanted to commit a crime in Reno, well, he's never been to Reno.
Lt. Jim Dangle: [directing traffic school] This is where we would normally be showing you an educational movie, "Blood On The Highway".
Deputy Travis Junior: But instead, we've got a treat in store for you.
Lt. Jim Dangle: [holding up a video tape] Instead, we're going to watch Smokey And The Bandit!
Deputy Travis Junior: And there will be a test!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: You caught me. I work in a rat fuck. So I don't care. Go blab it all over the whole fucking station.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Why do you do this?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Because I need the money.
Deputy Williams: How much do you pull in a night?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I walk away with about $300 a night, $500 if there's a convention.
Deputy Travis Junior: To me it doesn't make sense if you gotta pray facin' a certain way... if God's everywhere shouldn't you be able to face any which way when you pray? Like is his receiver somewhere in the Middle East and he's listening to the receiver or somethin'?
Deputy James Garcia: Yeah, it's like, I have a plan with God but it's like a bad cell plan, doesn't work in certain areas.
Deputy Travis Junior: Five calls a day.
Deputy James Garcia: See I got anytime minutes with my God.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [after a suspect drives off with a police car] We are screwed! We are screwed!
Deputy Williams: We gonna say he tried to rape us. We gonna lie, we gonna say he tried to rape us. He attacked us.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: He took it out.
Deputy Williams: He tried to...
[looks at the camera]
Deputy Williams: Give us the tape.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Hand over the tape.
[the cameraman runs away]
Deputy Williams: Give us that tape!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I will cut you!
Deputy Travis Junior: Who's Garcia's partner today?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Not it.
Deputy Travis Junior: Not it.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Not it.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Trudy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What'd I win?
Lt. Jim Dangle: You're with Garcia today.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I myself have had many "daydreams" about punching Garcia myself. I've actually had daydreams of stabbing Garcia... in the daytime. In front of people.
Deputy Travis Junior: I don't think there was a real reason for Jones to hit Garcia, cause Garcia's a man who's already down. Garcia ain't got friends, he lives in a little shitty apartment, he don't have no family that I know of. He ain't got no taste. He's racist, he's a sexist, he's a lying bigot horse's ass. I think, you know, hitting him is just throwing shit in front of a shit pile that's already got too much shit in it.
Deputy S. Jones: Sir, I will not hesistate to beat your ass with your own shoe!
Deputy Williams: I am planning a bachlorette party for you.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Strippers.
Deputy Williams: You have a preference? Black, white?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I like them all. I like black, I like white... I like black. Just don't get me any Pacific Islanders. I don't "get" them.
Deputy S. Jones: Who's you guys best friend in the whole world?
Deputy James Garcia: Santa Claus?
Deputy Travis Junior: That's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.
Captain Dwayne Hernandez: There is nothing to fear... except terrorism, and biological and chemical attacks! Have a nice day.
Deputy Travis Junior: Oh man, we are screwed.
Deputy S. Jones: [points to himself and Deputy Williams] Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there?
Lt. Jim Dangle: CPT
Deputy Travis Junior: CPT
Deputy S. Jones: What?
Deputy Williams: What? Excuse me? What's CPT?
Deputy Travis Junior: CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means.
Deputy Williams: What?
Lt. Jim Dangle: I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT.
Deputy S. Jones: Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time.
Deputy Travis Junior: Apology accepted, Jones.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What are you doin out here today, Terry?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What are you doin out here today?
Terry: Just out... watching over stuff.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Mmk. Looks like maybe you're doin a little uhh prostitution out here today, Terry, is that possible?
Terry: No, no I'm not. I'm sooo not.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry, are you on anything today?
Terry: I'm not. I quit. I don't even... I don't even drink.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You seem a little jittery right now, Terry. Are you trying to tell me you're not on any substances?
Terry: I had skittles.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You're jittery from skittles?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [looking at Terry's eyes] Interesting. You're eyes are real dialated and they seem sort of joggin around a little bit.
Terry: Well have you ever had skittles? It's all sugar.
Reverend Gigg LeCarp: Okay, Officer Garcia. God has asked me to speak to you because you are lost. You are lost.
Deputy Williams: He is evil.
Reverend Gigg LeCarp: We're hearing it even from the choir! You are lost and evil.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: And he's a loser!
Reverend Gigg LeCarp: You are lost, evil, and a loser. Come on, everyone, what are thing that we just don't like about Officer Garcia?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: He's a Mexican!
Reverend Gigg LeCarp: [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago] You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me!
[Points to his false teeth]
Reverend Gigg LeCarp: Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker!
[He goes out of the cell and locks it]
Reverend Gigg LeCarp: What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh?
Reverend Gigg LeCarp: Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me!
Lt. Jim Dangle: [Trying to open the door] The door's locked.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: We're probably in a, in a commercial break.
Deputy Travis Junior: He's flipping us the bird outside right now.
[LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away]
Lt. Jim Dangle: When's the new jailer getting here?
Deputy Travis Junior: Tuesday. Three day weekend.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Aw... we had to do this on a Friday.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two.
[Everyone yells in protest]
Deputy Williams: You gonna hold it in like the rest of us!
Lt. Jim Dangle: Number One's only! Number One's only!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Officer Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins... someone who for instance comes riding in on a jalopy and he has whipped ices for all the little children and he says "come along everyone I have whipped ices"
[Dangle nods in agreement next to her]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: And then when they get close enough to him he grabs them and rapes the shit out of them.
[Dangle stops smiling and sits still in shock]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Then he tosses them in the back seat and off he goes and then
[In a British accent]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: 'chip chip cheerio.
[Wiegel and Johnson must round up perps to fill a prison cell for the taping of Rev. LeCarp's show]
Deputy Clementine Johnson: We should go down to Hooker Heaven and see if we can round up some girls there.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Is that the new bagel place?
[after a suspect in a line-up sings "Amazing Grace" poorly]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Uh, sir? A little less attitude and a little more reverance for the baby Jesus.
Deputy Travis Junior: If Reverend LeCarp was busted ten years ago, you musta been working here.
Deputy James Garcia: That's correct. I was on patrol with Lieutenant Dangle at the time. He was high on PCP. He made a move for both of us, and he bought himself some stick time.
Deputy Travis Junior: What do you mean?
Deputy James Garcia: Regular police procedure had failed, so I found it necessary to get out my stick and send him a message from my lord.
Deputy Travis Junior: And where did you deliver this message to on his person?
Deputy James Garcia: That would be in the head area.
Lt. Jim Dangle: [talking about Weigel] She's an unfortunate-looking woman.
Deputy Travis Junior: [reading a bumper sticker] UNITED WE STAND. That ain't foolin' anyone.
Lt. Jim Dangle: I think some of these people are trying too hard. I think that when the truck of anthrax comes, it's going to have UNITED WE STAND and a Bush-Cheney on the back.
Deputy Travis Junior: And a Toby Keith damned tape playing...
Lt. Jim Dangle: t'll be the Trojan Horse, but instead of a horse it'll be...
Deputy Travis Junior: A Bronco.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Right or an F150.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Do not call me Mr.Chickenhole under any circumstances!
Lt. Jim Dangle: So Inspector Smiley will be spending the day with one of our deputies here on patrol.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Pick one, pick anybody.
Inspector Martin Smiley: Okay, I'll go with this young lady here.
[Points to Wiegel]
Lt. Jim Dangle: Okay, no. Now pick again.
[Dangle and Junior are in charge of finding the lieutenant governor's missing brother]
Lt. Jim Dangle: Do I think we'll get fired if we don't find Ray Mendoza? Us two, specifically?
[thinks for a long time]
Lt. Jim Dangle: Yeah, probably.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Terry, when was the last time you used the fax machine? And, supplemental question, did you fax a picture of your wiener to the state's attorney's office?
Terry: I'm in five gangs now. I started two. I started the Kitties and the Grape Slushies.
Lt. Jim Dangle: There's basically two forms of Muslims. There's the black Muslims and the regular Muslims. Now, the difference between them is that the black Muslims want to kill all the white people and the other Muslims want to kill everybody else.
[explaining why she likes Kenny Rogers]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: He's like the white Lionel Ritchie.
Deputy Travis Junior: Uh, I would say that *Lionel Ritchie* is like the white Lionel Ritchie
Lt. Jim Dangle: Yeah, I didn't know that there was a black Lionel Ritchie.
[someone has defecated in a children's book donation box and the deputies are cleaning the books]
Lt. Jim Dangle: This is "The Giving Tree". A wonderful book about a little boy who's friends with a tree.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: This book made me cry when I first read it. And it makes me want to cry that somebody pooped on it.
Lt. Jim Dangle: The ironic thing is that the last thing that the tree gives the boy is a nice place to sit.
Frat Guy: [Dangle and Clemmy are at a frat party and they've been mistaken for contestants at a costume contest] We got some new contestants, here we go!
[Points to Dangle]
Frat Guy: Here's Gay Cop! Give it up for Gay Cop!
[the crowd cheers and chants "Gay Cop!" while Dangle stays perfectly still]
Frat Guy: Hold on!
[Points to Clemmie]
Frat Guy: Slut Cop, ladies and gentlemen!
[the crowd cheers and chants "Slut" and Clemmie just nods while the frat guy sends the other contestants away]
Frat Guy: Here are the contestants for the 500 dollar prize!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I'm in, I'm in!
Lt. Jim Dangle: 500 cash?
[Clementine wins the 500 dollar prize and Dangle shoots his gun to make everyone run out]
Lt. Jim Dangle: Party's over! Gay cop says party's over!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: It's like when you're in high school, you always say, "Oh mom I'm going to watch a movie with uh... my boyfriend." And then you come home and your lips are all swollen like ahhh and your hair is all matted and all your makeup is absorbed into your face and you're covered with hickies and your mom says, "Hey what were you doing?" And you say, "Oh I was just watching a movie." and she says, "That's my boyfriend, I'd appreciate it if you'd stay away!" and then I say, "Oh yeah why don't you shave your legs, stupid bitch... whore." But we could make a movie, rarrrrrrr.
Lt. Jim Dangle: I think you should take the fifth with the D.A. Do you know what the fifth is?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You mean tell them that I did it?
Lt. Jim Dangle: No that's not the fifth. The fifth is your right to not say anything at all. Can you do that for me?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Why do you - why?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Because you, you - you know the little bird in your mouth who says terrible things sometimes?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Well I have told him specifically, "You stay home with the monkey in my brain" who I asked to please never come back again; and I, this time I really yelled. I yelled so much that my neighbor came to the door and said, "Is everything ok?" and I said, "Everything is fine. I've asked the monkey in my brain to please quiet down and take the bird in my mouth with it." So this time, Jim, I'm not worried about it. Plus, I called my doctor and he said I could up my meds just for the day.
Lt. Jim Dangle: I think that's a wonderful idea.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: It's gonna dry me up like there's no tomorrow, but it's worth it for this.
Deputy James Garcia: The entire station is about to fall apart. It's like we're playing a game of twister and someone is about to spin that left foot yellow and everything is going to collapse.
Deputy Travis Junior: It's like some terrible game of twister where it's all boys and they kill you when you lose.
[when asked about the Ray Mendoza case]
Agent Steve Hardcastle: I'll tell you, right now I know nothing. Nothing. But that's good, because that's where I start from. When I know *nothing*, the possibilities are limitless.
[FBI Agent Hardcastle has just arrived to handle the Ray Mendoza case]
Agent Steve Hardcastle: [looking at the cops' squad cars] Nevada plates.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Uh, yes sir.
Agent Steve Hardcastle: So we're in Nevada, then?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: The thing about Clemmy marrying Steed is this: people can do whatever they wanna do. You know, we don't live in communist China, you know. I'm not gonna tell her, hey, this is a bad guy with a rap sheet. This is a guy who's, you know, an attempted arsonist. A repeat B&E. You know, is it my place to say, hey, this guy was wanted on stat' a couple years back? Hey, this guy, you know, shot his cousin, you know, back in '81? No, it's not, people can do whatever they want. This isn't communist China.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [talking about her own empty grave plot] This here, actually, is my plot... obviously, there's nobody in it yet, but God willing, there will be.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: My mom started collecting Beanie Babies about four years after she died.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I have real dark skin. My mom was real light-skinned; she was an Irish girl. I have real dark skin because I was apparently - so they say - my mother was raped by an American Indian.
Deputy Travis Junior: I watch Reverend LeCarp's show every week. I love that boy. Next to that weird kind of Indian-looking fella with the Nehru jacket who dances the devil out of people on that show, I think he's the best televangelist there is.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Garcia has a daughter? I had no idea. I had no idea. I would imagine... she must have a humpback or something?
Lt. Jim Dangle: [talking about Garcia's ex-wife] The part I don't understand is that there's a woman who would...
Deputy S. Jones: Do that.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Make the sex act with him.
Deputy S. Jones: The effort, yeah.
Lt. Jim Dangle: And not even the effort. Even be present.
Mike Powers: Officer Williams, would you mind removing your hat please?
Deputy Williams: I keep a Kleenex under there because it sticks to my forehead.
Mike Powers: I want you to take a look at this photograph here and tell me what you know about it. Bailiff, if you could take this up to Officer Junior. Officer, could you remove your glasses please? Officer, can you... Can you see that? Can you tell me what's on that picture?
Deputy Travis Junior: That's one of the boys in the department, sir.
Mike Powers: Uh, no. That's actually a picture of a van. Officer Junior, can you look up here? Can you look up here for a second?
Deputy Travis Junior: Yes, sir.
Mike Powers: Can you see me? How many fingers am I holding up?
[holds up three fingers on one hand]
Deputy Travis Junior: Five.
Mike Powers: Five fingers?
Deputy Travis Junior: Both hands or one hand, sir?
Mike Powers: No, just one ha... that's just one hand. Are those prescription glasses?
Deputy Travis Junior: No, sir, don't need 'em.
Mike Powers: Do you operate a cruiser?
Deputy Travis Junior: I know these streets like the back of my hand, sir.
Mike Powers: The back of your hand.
Deputy Travis Junior: Yes, sir.
Mike Powers: I guess you'd have to! Do you operate a firearm?
Deputy Travis Junior: I'm the best shot in the department, sir.
Mike Powers: Is it true that you are on three different kinds of anti-psychotic medication?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Yes it is.
Mike Powers: That's working out for you? You're able to function on the job properly?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: No, not so well.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [Clementine hears about Garcia and Williams "hooking up" in the hot tub] Well, I guess I'm no longer top dog.
Deputy James Garcia: I didn't realize I had a list of dogs.
Lt. Jim Dangle: What size shoe do you wear?
Frank: I wear a ten and a half, but I'll tell you what... I'm bustin' right out of it.
[Dangle ponders this in silence]
Frank: You don't think my nose is too big do you?
Lt. Jim Dangle: No, no, no... It's a good size. It's very... Roman.
[Dangle looks down at Frank's crotch]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now that I have been fired off the Reno Sheriff's Department, I'm kind of excited. I'm gonna finish my album. I'm probably gonna attend some symposiums. I've always wanted to have some extra spare time to go shopping for antiquities and so forth. So I'm actually really looking forward to it. And if I do end up getting sent to jail, then, um... I'll probably just, y'know, kill myself or something. But, you know, so far, so good.
Deputy James Garcia: There are various telemarketing jobs that I know that I have done before that I can fall back on. And I'm looking into getting... maybe coaching little league
Lt. Jim Dangle: ...Probably go back to maitre d'ing, maybe?
New Jones - Deputy Culufu Garwood: C. Garwood. The "C" stands for Culufu, from the Rwandan name "King of all that he sees and stopping that which is injustice." I'm the Wesley Snipes of law enforcement.
Deputy Williams: Let him that hath known himself unto thine truth walk therein. Huh. That's in the Bible.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I don't know why everyone around here gets a boner every time the FBI comes in. All they do is wear suits and handle the fluids of dead people. That's not sexy to me.
Steed Lankershim: Clemmie, I've enjoyed being in a semi monogamous relationship with you for ten years... your tits look great.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Steed, when two dynamic people get together, there's a whole lot of dynamite. And I promise to stay married to you until we both decide we don't want to do it any more.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [Deputy Johnson is administering a dancing sobriety test] Step, bump, step, bump-bump! 5,6,7,8...
Deputy S. Jones: You know what would be good is if you did a hitch kick right here
[suspect adds his own choreography]
Deputy S. Jones: and a barrel roll here and then woohoo!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Wow! That's great. Are you a dancer?
Deputy S. Jones: No! I'm just drunk.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Gotcha! You're going to jail.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What are you guys doing here?
Fireman: Just stopping by after giving some blood
Deputy Travis Junior: Well, when we're not fighting crime, we're fighting... frowns.
Fireman: That right?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Yeah, we'll shoot those frowns off your face! Boom! Right in the face!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [talking to Goth kids on Hallowe'en] If you want get back at someone, if you want to take your power back, here's a spell you can do. You get a personal object from that person, and you say, "Fire, malice, fear times three, so-and-so...
Carman Havens: Justine Timberlake...
Deputy Clementine Johnson: ...or Ted Nugent, feel my treachery."
Carman Havens: Can you hang out with us for a while?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, no, I'd love to, though. Actually those candles smell really good. I'd like to know where you got them.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You can't have a dog near pancakes That's not safe.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah, dispatch? We need an ambulance over here at the Ku Sux Klan rally.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: I'm just reading the sign!
Reading Ron: [about swearing] Oh, we call those "awkward time outs".
Deputy James Garcia: Are you a lesbian?
Deputy James Garcia: If you're not a lesbian, prove it. Kiss Junior.
Deputy Cheresa Kimball: No, I'm not kissing Junior!
All: [shout] Kiss Junior! Kiss Junior!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Suck his dick! Suck his dick!
Lt. Jim Dangle: Have you been giving tug jobs in the bathroom?
Terry: No! Why would I do that?
[Putting hand to chest]
Terry: I would never do something like that. First of all, I have a girlfriend, who I love very much...
Lt. Jim Dangle: Her name is?
Terry: [pauses] Michelle.
Deputy Travis Junior: Michelle? What she look like?
Terry: She's, uh, super tall.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Uh huh.
Terry: And shes got...
Lt. Jim Dangle: How tall?
Terry: Sweet boobs.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Uh huh, I always knew you were a sweet booby man Terry.
Terry: I put my wiener on them.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Yep?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Yep.
Terry: Ya did?
Terry: Yeah its true.
Deputy James Garcia: I cannot believe that we don't have nothin' in common.
Deputy James Garcia: Well, believe it because I'm smart and you're not.
Deputy Williams: You owe Rainessha an apology.
Deputy James Garcia: I hate people who talk about themselves in the third person, you're right here why do you have to talk about yourself like that? To remind yourself you're alive?