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Monster-in-Law (2005) Poster

Quotes

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: What color are my eyes?

Dr. Kevin Fields: Well, at first glance your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. And if you look really close around the iris, the color is pure honey. But when you look into the sun, they almost look green. That's my favorite.

Ruby: [fighting Viola for the nut-tainted gravy] I think you dislocated my vagina.

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Ruby: Fix your hair. You look like a damn cockatoo.

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Viola Fields: [Leaning on car] That little bitch. Come on Ruby. Lets go to the beach and drink wine.

Ruby: [Grunts while putting in luggage]

Viola Fields: Whats wrong Ruby?

Ruby: You know exactly what!

[Picks up luggage]

Ruby: Move

Viola Fields: Ruby, whats wrong?

Ruby: I am sick! I am sick, sick, sick of your shit! And when im not sick, i'm tired! I am sick and tired!

Viola Fields: What are you trying to say?

Ruby: [closes trunk] Damn you and your luggage!

[rushes to car]

Viola Fields: [rushes to car] Ruby? Ruby? Ruby, your not going to leave me like everyone else, are you?

Ruby: Of course not! You old slut!

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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: And about the holidays...

Viola Fields: Are you gonna keep me away?

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: You must be present for every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, school play, clarinet recital, and soccer game in our kids' lives. I want you to love them, and spoil them and teach them things that Kevin and I can't. Like how to throw a right hook for example. I want you there, Viola. I do, up front and center. From this point i will not negotiate.

Ruby: Damn, that girl can give a nice little speech!

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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Where's your bridesmaid dress?

Viola Fields: Oh, I gave it to Ruby's daughter, she works at Hooters, she was thrilled.

Ruby: [listening from outside door] I have a daughter?

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[trying on and ripping a dress that's too small]

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Oh, man! I've got *two* asses!

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Viola Fields: I cannot believe she compared me to Gertrude!

Ruby: I know. Now that's just wrong.

Viola Fields: Thank You.

Ruby: You are far worse. I don't recall Gertrude ever trying to poison you. And I'm pretty sure she wore black to your wedding.

Viola Fields: Black. Yeah, she said she was in mourning. I just want my son to be happy.

Ruby: Whatever made you think he wasn't?

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Viola Fields: I thought you were dead, but evil doesn't die so easily.

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Viola Fields: [noticing Charlie's necklace] why the question mark?

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Oh, 'cause I just don't know.

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Viola Fields: [Ruby and Viola arguing at the car] What's wrong with you?

Ruby: I am sick. I am sick, sick, sick of your shit. And when I'm not sick, I'm tired. I am sick and tired!

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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: [after Fiona tells Charlie that Kevin is gay] I used to have such good gaydar.

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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: [after Viola throws her wedding dress out of the car] Motherfu-!

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Viola Fields: Let's go someplace near the ocean and drink lunch.

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Viola Fields: [after asking the question about what the pop star likes to do for fun] Do you ever read a newspaper?

Ruby: [in control room] Newspaper? Viola, the girl got stars on her nipples.

Pop Star: [Laughs while talking] I dont have much time for that.

Viola Fields: So what you're saying is that you dont know whats going on in the world. And yet you've sold over

[looks down at card]

Viola Fields: 39 million albums. CD'S. And millions of kids listen to your lyrics. "If you wanna know me, look inside my make-up bag". Your influicing an entire population of kids who wont know how to think straight. Or how to vote for a president. Or understand the significance of Roe vs Wade.

Pop Star: Oh!

[laughs]

Pop Star: I don't support boxing as a sport. I think it's to violent.

Viola Fields: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Throws herself on pop star]

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Viola Fields: [blows airhorn] I'm sorry! I thought it was air freshener!

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Viola Fields: Marriage is a sacred union which must only be entered with the utmost care.

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Weren't you married four times?

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Ruby: Charlie's face will blow up like a balloon!

Viola Fields: Good, then it will match the rest of her body.

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Viola Fields: That slut is practically throwing herself on him!

Ruby: I don't blame her, that boy's one fine piece of ass!

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Ruby: [to Kevin] You're bringing a girl home... now? She's just got off from the funny farm!

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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: [after Viola tells Charlie she's moving nextdoor] "Lovely property, beautiful bay windows." It's BULLSHIT! She doesn't even like this neighborhood!

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Ruby: I am sick. I am sick, sick, sick of your shit.And when I'm not sick, I'm tired. I'm sick and tired. Now get the car, you old slut.

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[Viola has a hissy fit]

Ruby: [departing with the champagne] Gonna need something stronger than this.

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Dr. Kevin Fields: What are you doing the rest of your life?

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Viola Fields: The flower girls are drunk again!

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Viola Fields: What do you do for fun?

Pop Star: I love watching really old movies. They're my favorite.

Viola Fields: Really? Really? Which ones?

Pop Star: Well, "Grease" and "Grease II." Um, "Benji." I love "Benji." "Free Willy," um..."Legally Blonde," "The Little Mermaid."

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Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: [after secretly spying on Viola's meeting with her doctor] Bad day, my ass!

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Viola Fields: [Walks out of institution] Ruby, oh my dearest friend. I've missed you so much.

Ruby: Well good. They still got you medicated.

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[first lines]

[Charlie sitting at her desk at home. Phone rings. Charlie lets the answering machine pick up and listens to the recording]

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: [Answering machine message] Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.

[Answering machine beeps to signal beginning of message]

Carol, from LA Temp Agency: [Leaving message on answering machine] Hi Charlie, it's Carol from the L.A. Temp Agency. Listen, Dr. Patel's office needs you for tomorrow. Is that ok? Let me know. Bye.

[Answering machine beeps signaling end of message]

Remy: [Charlie sketching]

[Remy walks in with cup of coffee and toast]

Remy: Morning neighbor.

[Chews toast]

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Heeeyyy...

[Looks at Remy and gestures to his hands]

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Help yourself.

Remy: [Lifts hands holding coffee and toast in acknowledgement] Oh thanks, I was out of everything.

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Uch, why do I even bother?

[Stands up while wadding sketch up into ball. Walks past Remy]

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: You know Remy, I gave you that key for emergencies... Extreme emergencies.

[Unseen Charlie throws sketch backwards and we see Remy catch it]

Remy: [Shakes sketch open] It was! I needed caffeine... Oh, now this is good. I'd even wear it.

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: Good, cause I gotta go. I'm late for my first client.

[Walks out of closet and to bedroom door]

Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini: But you stay, have breakfast, take a shower... open my drawers.

[Smirks at him and leaves]

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[last lines]

Ruby: [Ruby and Viola walking up stairs into house. Viola still holding the wedding bouquet that she caught] And take off that damn dress. You look like a giant peach cobbler. You makin' me hungry... Come on, weathergirl. I'll buy you a box of wine.

[Viola almost belly laughing at Ruby's joke, walks into house, off screen. Ruby turns around to close the doors and opens her mouth so it appears Viola's laughter is coming from her mouth. Laughter echoes away as Ruby closes her mouth, rolls her eyes, and shakes her head. Ruby closes the doors. With the click of the doors shutting, the screen goes black]

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Kit's Date: How much longer do we have to stay? I have midterms tomorrow!

Kit: [starts choking a little] Shhh!

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Ruby: You wanna take this outside?

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Viola Fields: Ruby, Ruby. Everybody knows that when a woman marries a man she marries his mother, too. What if I drive her crazy?

Ruby: Ok, now you're foaming at the mouth.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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