Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)
Dick Harper: Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THESE NON-FAT MUFFINS?
Coffee Shop Guy: [stutters] I-I-I think so...
Dick Harper: Oh, Gee, Hon, you gotta get some of those!
Garth: Hey, how do you like the new wheels?
Dick Harper: Nice.
Garth: Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits.
Dick Harper: Yeah?
Garth: Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron!
Dick Harper: Huh.
[With her accent, Richard sounds like retard]
Blanca: What's a matter, Retard?
Dick Harper: Call me Dick.
Jane Harper: We might be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.
Disgruntled Kostmart Customer: I saw you eyeballing me! All up in my goodies!
Dick Harper: [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted?
Jane Harper: Dick?
Dick Harper: [screaming] Indicted!
Jane Harper: Dick, its gonna' be alright.
Dick Harper: [starts running around house screaming] Indicted, Indicted, I'm being Indicted!
Jane Harper: [Yells to him in a different room] Dick calm down.
Dick Harper: [Runs back in to bedroom]
[In pitiful voice]
Dick Harper: I can't calm down, I'm being indicted...
Dick Harper: I'm pretty sure she's gonna notice her car isn't towed.
Frank Bascom: Right, I'll stall her.
[Frank backs his car straight into female banker's car]
Jane Harper: Our lawn was repossessed today. I didn't know they could even do that.
[first title cards]
Title card: A long, long time ago...
Title card: in the year 2000...
Title card: Meet Dick
Frank Bascom: Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get that form?
Dick Harper: No, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH?
[Frank exhales into Dick's face]
Karen Williams: [Seeing her car smashed] Oh my God, my car! What is wrong with you?
Frank Bascom: [extremely drunk] What's wrong with me? You're the one parked in a handicapped space!
Karen Williams: That's not a handicapped space!
Frank Bascom: It is now!
Dick Harper: [after being punched in the mouth, sound like he is trying to have in American accent] No, I swear, I am an American citizen.
INS Agent: Save it.
[dragging Dick to deportation bus]
Dick Harper: No, call my wife... It's ringing
Billy Harper: [answers the phone] Hola?
Jane Harper: I went to this Botox Experiment, and I had a little accident... does it really look that bad?
Dick Harper: No. Just... different.
Day Laborer: Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?
Dick Harper: [holding McCallister at gunpoint] I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you, and I'm not leaving here without your money.
Jack McCallister: What are you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?
Dick Harper: Write me a check.
Jack McCallister: You are kidding me.
Jane Harper: Dick, it's not going to do us any good. He's just going to cancel it the minute we walk out of here.
Dick Harper: I don't care... I don't care. I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.
Jack McCallister: ...Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check. I'm gonna need my hand back though.
Dick Harper: Gladly.
Jack McCallister: Alright, yes sir, I'm gonna write you that check, and what's more I'm not gonna cancel it as soon as I leave the bank because I think it takes alotta cojones to do what you two have done here today, and I admire that. So, here you go. Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.
[hands him a check for $100]
Jack McCallister: Y'all take care now.
[At a bar, Dick gets up on a table and starts acting crazy because he's being indicted for his share of the bummed, worthless Globodyne stock]
Dick Harper: [blathers; marionette voice] Hello! I'm a corporate puppet...
Dick Harper: ...and I'm going to need some more string, so that I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday without bein' manipulative...
Dick Harper: [regular voice] by the bullshit!
Dick Harper: [points to the hairpiece of a man] This squirrel died of natural causes!
Dick Harper: [after being heckled by a bunch of execs at an office he came for an interview] Can we just get on the job interview?
Bill: Oh, we can't hire you. We just want to take your picture.
Jane Harper: [posing as a Jeet Kun Do instructor] My name is Jane and I'll be your instructor here today for beginners' Jee Kum Pow.
Dick Harper: [in McCallister's ear] See, Jack? They love you now! Go to hell!
Dick Harper: [composing letter] "It has come to our attention that certain departments have begunn to run into situations." Situations.
Dick's Secretary: The big boys want to see you upstairs.
Dick Harper: Which floor? Twentieth?
Dick's Secretary: [smiles, shakes head]
Dick Harper: Twenty-sixth?
Dick's Secretary: [shakes head]
Dick Harper: Thirty-second?
Dick's Secretary: [smiles, motions upwards]
Dick Harper: Not the 51st?
Dick's Secretary: Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Harper.
Dick Harper: [giggles] Uh, go ahead and wrap this up.
Dick's Secretary: Ok.
Dick Harper: How do I look?
Dick's Secretary: Great.
Dick Harper: Anything in my teeth?
Dick's Secretary: No.
Dick Harper: [through clenched teeth] I need a paper bag.
Dick Harper: [singing in elevator to self] I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.
Dick Harper: Every night and every cloudy day
[drums elevator panel]
Dick Harper: spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. Catch me goin' through that open do-o-o-r. I believe I can fly-i-i-i.
Dick Harper: [low voice, man walks by elevator and looks incredulously] I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! Ooow!
[elevator dings, Dick steps out as though nothing happened]
Jane Harper: [sees her lawn getting repossessed] Hector, what's going on? What, what happened?
Hector: Your check go bouncy-bounce. But it's okay, I heard what happened to your husband. Not everybody can afford landscaping like this.
Jane Harper: Hector, please!
Hector: I am sorry, Miss Jane.
Jane Harper: [sees her neighbor] Oh, no. No, no, no, no, NO! This is all- everything is all WRONG! I want this out. Roll it all up! I ordered Kentucky Bluegrass! This! Is! GREEN!
Dick Harper: Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Consolidator.
[traffic light turns]
Dick Harper: Oh, no!
Title card: Run, Dick, Run
Dick Harper: Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval with a focus in fiber-optic content provision. It's basically a synergy of Web-based and platform-based UNIX-driven delivery systems. OK, I made that last part up.
Dick Harper: We're all just cavemen, Trying to protect our little patch of land. Well now I've got a club, and I'm gonna take what I need.
Kostmart Training Leader: I'll sell you my pee for a hundred dollars. Been off the pipe for two years.
Kostmart Training Leader: Thank you Jesus!
Jack McCallister: Dick Harper, Dick Harper, Dick Harper playing the harp. Harpo Marx playing the Jews harp.*DH*, DH! You're my Designated Hitter!
Dick Harper: Billy tell your father he's a winner.
Billy Harper: Papa es ganador.
Dick Harper: see?
Billy Harper: SI!
[as they are arrested for their failed bank robbery]
Oz Peterson: Honey? Honey! I love you!
Debbie: You quitter! We had hostages!
Ameribanx Bank Manager: Let me get back to you. Excuse me.
Dick Harper: Yes?
Ameribanx Bank Manager: May I help you?
Dick Harper: Vault Inspector
Ameribanx Bank Manager: What happened to Phil?
Dick Harper: Necrotizing Fasciitis Caused by an invasive streptococcus
Ameribanx Bank Manager: What?
Dick Harper: Flesh-eating disorder. Its all over the money. Might wanna wash your hands.