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Two and a Half Men (TV Series 2003–2015) Poster

(2003–2015)

Quotes

[repeated line]

Berta: [whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!

Charlie: [repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation] Uuuuuoo.

Alan Harper: Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.

Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

[repeated line]

Charlie: That ship has sailed.

[repeated line]

Mia: [whenever Charlie says something outrageous] Are you out of your freaking mind?

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[repeated line]

Russell: What are you, a cop?

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[repeated line]

Judith Harper: JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!

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Alan Harper: [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?

Charlie: No!

Alan Harper: Why not?

Charlie: I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?

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Alan Harper: Who is Alan Harper?

Charlie: That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.

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Charlie: [on Jake] How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?

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Alan Harper: You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!

Jake Harper: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

Alan Harper: Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!

Jake Harper: I have my doubts, dad.

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Charlie: [repeated line, when he senses trouble] Oh boy.

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[repeated line]

Chelsea: [whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!

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[scrolling through contact list]

Charlie: [sings alphabet] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H... Hookers! Hookers, hookers, hookers...

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Evelyn Harper: We are at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!

Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

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[repeated line]

Berta: Hey, Skippy!

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Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, Knocking Down the Wall.

Alan Harper: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called Kiss My Pale White Ass.

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[repeated line]

Melissa: Yeppers!

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[repeated line]

Charlie: She/He's not coming back.

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Alan Harper: [repeated line, whenever he's stressed out] I-I-I-I-I...

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[repeated line]

Charlie: What the hell are you doing?

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Alan Harper: [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

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Various characters: [repeated line, from women Charlie manages to piss off] You son of a bitch!

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Charlie: [repeated line, when someone says something dumb] Hellouu?

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Rose: [this is Charlie's last appearance in the entire series] I think that's everything.

Charlie: What'd you tell your husband?

Rose: I didn't have to tell him anything, he's in New York for a big fashion show.

Charlie: Perfect. So what kind of clothes is it anyway?

Rose: Men's sports wear mostly.

Charlie: Anything I might like?

Rose: No, it's more the kind of stuff Alan would wear.

Charlie: Oh. So tacky.

Rose: I think I left my raincoat in the bedroom.

Charlie: I'll get it.

Rose: Oh, thanks.

[realizes he might find out about the mannequinn]

Rose: Uh-oh.

Charlie: [opens the closet and sees the mannequinn in front of him] Whoa! I guess the guy brings his work home then.

[takes a closer look at the clothes]

Charlie: Yep. Tacky.

[grabs Rose's raincoat]

Charlie: I got it!

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Jake Harper: [from blooper reel] Uncle Charlie, you're a dick.

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Evelyn Harper: Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

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[repeated line]

Various characters: Rat bastard!

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Alan Harper: A movie would be fine.

Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake Harper: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!

[Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him]

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Alan Harper: [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!

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[repeated line]

Charlie: Get out.

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Charlie: [to Jake] It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter.

[Jake looks at him with disdain]

Charlie: Wow, I *do* suck.

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Alan Harper: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.

Jake Harper: Oh yeah? What's *your* definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

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Berta: Hey, Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah.

Berta: When did you become a bitch?

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Alan Harper: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Charlie: Pull.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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