T.J. Hicks: Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?
Deuce Bigalow: Really?
T.J. Hicks: Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
Deuce Bigalow: You know the Dutch started the slave trade.
T.J. Hicks: THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!
Deuce Bigalow: T.J., I'm so glad you are here.
T.J. Hicks: How did you find me?
Deuce Bigalow: Well, this seemed like the only chicken and waffles place in all of Holland.
T.J. Hicks: Ohhh, so the black guy has to go to a chicken and waffles place, that's Racist!
Deuce Bigalow: But you're here.
T.J. Hicks: Yeah, but figuring it out was racist.
Deuce Bigalow: [noticing all the black people] This is a nice place.
[as he is being arrested]
Gaspar Voorsboch: I will see you again, man-whore!
Deuce Bigalow: We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.
T.J. Hicks: I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont?
T.J. Hicks: I ain't gay! I was just looking down his pants 'cause i heard his shlong was so big, and juicy! No wait! That didn't sound right!
T.J. Hicks: Can't a brother put his hand down another man's pants without setting off the faggot alarm?
[Frenchman is blowing smoke in Deuce's face at an aquarium in Amsterdam]
Deuce Bigalow: Excuse me, but in America, we don't allow smoking in aquariums.
Frenchman: Excuse me, but in Europe, we don't unilaterally invade another country just to steal their oil!
Angry European: [while throwing stones at the Frenchman] Fuck off, you Yank!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [asking gigolos about their night] So... Assapopolis, got any She-Johns lined up for Tonight?
Assapopoulos Mariolis: I got the herpes. What're you gonna do, heh.
Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [chuckles Sarcastically, then rips off band-aid] Liar! Mahmoud, What's your excuse?
Mahmoud: Uh, I just realized... I'm gay. Does anyone... want a blow job?
[all the other Manwhores make a Sourly disgusted Face]
Dutch Gigolo: I do.
Mahmoud: Ok then. I guess I'd better go... put that penis in my mouth.
Wealthy Woman in Car: [pulls up in a car] Hey guys! I need a quick gigolo fix. What do you say?
Enzo Giarraputo: [aware that a manwhore killer is on the loose] Ahh. I'm judging a sand castle building competition this afternoon so... I can't help you.
Mahmoud: [the woman pulls out a Wad of Cash] Ahh... The dog ate my... penis.
[the woman drives off]
T.J. Hicks: You like them big hairy balls dont ya?
T.J. Hicks: Ah you pussy get off of me, get off of me!
T.J. Hicks: That is Assapopoulos, he can kiss people with his butt whole
Deuce Bigalow: I don't ever wanna see that.
T.J. Hicks: I'm in blackface. It's my disguise. See?
Deuce Bigalow: But you look the same.
T.J. Hicks: Are you saying black people all look the same? You are such a racist! I should have the good mind not to let you help me prove that I'm innocent.
Deuce Bigalow: This shirt will make a great ice-breaker.
Angry European: Fuck you American, you imperialistic dog!
Pro American Woman: I love America, I love President Bush. Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq.
Angry European: Shut *up*!
Gaspar Voorsboch: [pointing a Sword at Deuce] You die with the rest of them, Gigolo! Those Gigalos... robbed Me of My Manhood, I was never able to satisfy a Woman, and I shall see to it that they don't either!
[Starts sword fighting with Deuce]
Deuce Bigalow: You don't have to kill anybody, Gaspar, cause You can please a Woman! These Gigalos... don't know what they're talking about!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [Watching from the TV outside the Building] Is He talking about us?
Deuce Bigalow: Do You really think that all a Woman wants; is for someone to give Her a mud pretzel, Turkish snow cone, or an Irish facial?
Chadsworth Buckingham, III: Yes they do, liar!
[All the Women nod in disagreement]
Deuce Bigalow: All a Woman really wants; is someone who cares about Her, asks Her about or day, or how She's feeling... or or at least pretends to.
Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [All the Women agree with Deuce] What?
Gaspar Voorsboch: ...or when She's sad...
[Gaspar lunges his sword at Deuce, but misses]
Gaspar Voorsboch: ... cry with Her! Face it, these Gigalos are just ripping Women off!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III: Hey, I'll let You know that I've had absolutely no complaints from any of those freaks!
Lily: [Slaps His Face] I faked it!
Deuce Bigalow: Women don't care if You drive a fancy car, wear a Rolex watch, or have a gigantic schlong like... Heinz Hummer.
Mahmoud: This Guy knows his shit!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III: [All the Gigalos pull out objects that make it look like they have bulges] What are You all doing?... anybody else? *Lil' Kim pulls out a Tootsie roll*
Deuce Bigalow: Let a Woman You know You really care about Her, and maybe She'll give You an Irish facial.
Gaspar Voorsboch: [Knocks the sword out of Deuces hand, pulls out the remote detonator] We die together, Deuce!
Deuce Bigalow: Please sir, You don't have to do this!
Gaspar Voorsboch: They ruined My Life!
Deuce Bigalow: Just give Me the detonator...
Gaspar Voorsboch: No, My penis exploded!
Deuce Bigalow: O.k... that's a tough one, I'll give You that, but having a penis... is overrated, trust Me.
Tourist: I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!
T.J. Hicks: [after Deuce is biting T.J.'s nipple while high on space cake] Get off my tittie, you doped up cracker!
T.J. Hicks: What is that? That is not a dick in my hand. Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand.
T.J. Hicks: We'll find the killer using your twat-sicle.
Heinz Hummer: I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo with the most below. Okay? I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before. I could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle... that will make you scream all night. Okay? But not now because I'm busy. So leave me alone, bitch.
Security Guard: Um, Excuse me sir, but this is a Private Club, Manwhores only.
Lil' Kim: Hey, I'm a real GOOD Manwhore, just go ask yo Mamma.
Security Guard: STILL, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Lil' Kim: And that's what yo Momma said after I bang her!
Lil' Kim: [starts laughing hysterically]
Security Guard: O.k., that's it.
Security Guard: [Tosses Lil' Kim in the dumpster]
Lil' Kim: Hey, yo MAMMA's in here!
Deuce Bigalow: [T.J. just came out of Jail] Hey, did anyone hurt you in there?
T.J. Hicks: Oh, you're asking if I got ass-pumped, is what's goin on here?
Deuce Bigalow: Not if you don't want to talk about it.
T.J. Hicks: Well, you see, it turns out that I'm not really... that attractive.
Deuce Bigalow: Well, you've been cleared of murder, but people still think you're gay.
T.J. Hicks: Hey, don't tell nobody I'm not gay, I mean, just think of it; T.J., the Gay mans Pimp, and I'm the corner Market man, check out my new bitches.
[a bunch of gay people stare, and wave at T.J]
Deuce Bigalow: O.k. then, lets go grab some chicken, and Waffles, my treat.
T.J. Hicks: Man, you said the first thing a black man wants when he gets out of jail.
Earls Son: Um, Daddy, I was looking through your underwear drawer, and I found this really cool bracelet.
Earl McManus: Holy Mother of God, that is not a bracelet, son. That's a device that your Daddy has to put on his, he... his he... Happy Birthday son, you got a bracelet!
Earls Son: Cool.
Gaspar Voorsboch: We will die together, Douche!
Deuce Bigalow: Please, you don't have to do this.
Gaspar Voorsboch: Those Manwhores ruined my life!
Deuce Bigalow: Just give me the detonater.
Gaspar Voorsboch: No, my Penis exploded!
Deuce Bigalow: O.k., that's a tough one, I'll give you that, but... having a Penis, is way over rated, trust me.
T.J. Hicks: [T.J. is in Jail, and is testing all the Prisoners for their orientation] Hey, let me give you the low-down on T.J. Now, some time ago, I used to be a sideshow host at a Circus, I played the role for eating broken glass. So we di about two shows a week, now that's a lot of broken glass, and it's all collected right in the line of my anus... my *ass* is like one damn cheese grater!
[the Prisoners all stand, and glare at him]
Deuce Bigalow: [on the way to the Man-Whore awards, and Eva is riding behind them] Hey look, there's Eva!
Gaspar Voorsboch: Oh.
[starts speeding up]
Deuce Bigalow: Hey what are you doing, she's right behind us.
Eva: Deuce, he's the killer!
Deuce Bigalow: Huh, what?
Eva: You're with the killer!
Deuce Bigalow: Wuh... I'm with the dealer?
Eva: He's the Man-Whore killer!
Deuce Bigalow: Um, Eighteen Wheeler?
Eva: [comes right up to the Passengers Window] My uncle is the killer!
Deuce Bigalow: Oh, I'm with the...
[Gaspar points a gun towards him]
Deuce Bigalow: ...I mean... you're the Killer?
Gaspar Voorsboch: She said: You are with the killer, you stupid ho!
Deuce Bigalow: [making sense of the Situation] Ohhhhh.
[notices a hand bag with the Leopard-coat, and a wig barely showing out]
Deuce Bigalow: ...but... why, what did Man-Whores ever do to YOU?
Gaspar Voorsboch: What did they do to me? All my life, I wanted to be one thing, a Gigolo, yes, me, Gaspar Voorsboch! I'll never forget that day, it was my first Semester at Man-Whore University.
Enzo Giarraputo: [on the phone] No, Mom, if you're going to stick two in there, you're going to need a lot of lubricant... okay, bye.
T.J. Hicks: This guy, here? Baron Von Doggy Style. Led a pimping expedition to the Arctic Circle. Froze to death sixty-nining a moose. The only thing left of him
[takes the statue's stick]
T.J. Hicks: is this stick...
[T.J. shows Deuce the stick]
T.J. Hicks: ...which he used to bitch-slap Eskimos.
Eva: Before I can go on a date I have to eat 2 herring, collect 5 different tulips and drink a beer from a wooden shoe.
Deuce Bigalow: That's do-able!