Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005)
God: Good is relative. Beauty's relative. Everything's relative. Except for me. I'm absolute.
Joan: I thought that was vodka.
Grace Polk: It's the one advantage to being universally despised: you get to say whatever you want.
God: [about a book] Have you read this?
Joan: You stole that!
God: Well, technically everything belongs to me.
Joan: You are not real!
God: So people keep telling me.
Friedman: You got to forget about Grace, dude.
Luke: But I get these feelings. I know it's a biological reaction...
Friedman: We're not talking biology here. We're talking psychology. You're always throwing yourself against the one gate that's locked. And why? Because you're afraid of going through the gate and enjoying the pleasures of the garden...
Luke: Hey, hey, I'm not afraid of going through the gate.
Friedman: Then why are you always walking right past the one gate that's wide open? And don't tell me you don't know who I'm talking about.
Friedman: She's wacky for you, dude. When I took her to the dance, all she talked about was you. Extremely annoying, but, uh... it's because I was wearing cologne and everything.
Luke: I can't just transfer my feelings from one person to another.
Friedman: Of course you can. It's built into our DNA. Did you see the look Glynis gave you in Chem today? That's a look you usually have to download.
Luke: Okay... I appreciate the rather base concern, but I can take care of my own love life.
Friedman: Right... in the shower.
Adam: Maybe I'm bad at stuff like this... but we kissed. It's not like I've kissed a lot of girls. Maybe I've only kissed one.
Joan Girardi: Right.
Adam: Well maybe it meant something to me.
Joan Girardi: Maybe it meant something to me, too.
Adam: I don't... I don't know what to do with it now.
Joan Girardi: [chuckles] Me neither.
Adam: Maybe it's like that anti-drug guy said, you know? Romantic love is like a mental illness. It just happens and then what are you gonna do?
Joan Girardi: Maybe we're just not ready.
Adam: Okay. I accept that. Were you ready for that other guy?
[Referencing God, whom Joan was dancing with at the party]
Joan Girardi: That's different.
[after a long pause]
Joan Girardi: Hey, wanna dance?
Joan: Were you being snippy to me?
[lets out a breath]
Joan: God is snippy.
God: If I seem snippy to you, it's because you understand snippy.
Grace: [to Joan] Do you have multiple personality disorder? Is that what this is?
Pizza Delivery God: What, no tip? I got it here under thirty minutes.
Joan: Like that's hard for you.
[she closes the door on him]
Joan: You don't think she is right, do you?
Adam: I usually don't listen to what's going on unless I hear my name.
Luke: Look, I've really enjoyed our collaboration. I... I feel our intellects and approaches really compliment each other, and I was, you know, hoping you felt the same way.
Grace: [sarcastically] Stop, stop, you're embarrassing me with your dirty talk.
Joan: Does my hair look funny?
Grace Polk: Your hair always looks funny.
Grace Polk: Sometimes it just pops into my head and I just laugh.
Luke: Are you out of your mind?
Luke: This totally hot girl is doing everything but immolating herself for you. Friedman, the odds of that happening again can only be calculated by a mainframe.
Friedman: Hey, she's not my type.
Luke: You don't have a type. You have magazines. Look, you're freaking because you're so used to being the guy that goes chasing after the girl. You can't handle it being the other way around. You think she's either setting you up or there's something wrong with her.
Friedman: Thank you, Dr. Freud.
Luke: Please, please just consider the other possible explanation for her interest.
Luke: Dude, don't - don't make me go there.
Friedman: What? What?
Luke: You're in junior mensa. Think.
Friedman: I got nothin'.
Luke: You're -
Luke: you're a great guy. You have a lot more going on than people think. You're sensitive and caring and some might say appealing.
Luke: [loudly] Appealing, dude! You're very appealing!
[everyone in the hall stops to look at them]
Luke: [trying to sound manly] So, dude, let's go shoot some hoops.
[he punches Friedman's shoulder]
[Friedman punches Luke's shoulder]
Luke: Hoops, dude! That's it. Let's go.
Helen: [talking on the phone] Number one... Andrea, work on your mother's voice before you try that out on me, and two: don't use a disease you can only get on a pirate ship.
Joan: You think they
Luke: What? That Mom turned in their alpha dog? Probably.
Joan: They're going to eat me alive.
[Joan, Adam, and Grace are studying]
Joan: What should we do first?
Grace: Ask your brother for the answers.
Joan: To be humble you have to be proud.
Adam: Wait, arent those opposites?
Grace: Ah, ask him ask him.
[Luke just walked in]
Joan: No, no lets just break it down ok. Is there a chemical formula for twigs?
[from the top of is head]
Adam: Cellulose is c6h12o6
[Joan drops her pencil in shock]
Adam: Uh, I have an eidetic memory.
Joan: Whats that?
Grace: [talking about Adam] He can barely remember his name.
Adam: Listen, I know a lot, I just cant put it all together.
Joan: Ok, what about a chemical equation for fire?
Grace: Wood doesnt actually burn.
Joan: Thats insane.
Grace: What burns is the gas released when the wood gets hot. Therefore the reaction would have to be gasification, through oxidation reduction, then combustion.
Luke: It is so hot that you know that.
Adam: [to Grace] Dude, are you smart?
Grace: Just because I refute the whole formal schooling equals knowledge crap doesnt mean Im stupid.
Joan: Ok, so what about gas.
[Joan looks at Adam]
Adam: Cha, like I know.
Grace: And Rainman back to underpants.
Adam: [to Joan] Are you talking about the panty shot?
[notices Grace and Iris glaring]
Adam: I deleted it, like, immediately!
Luke: Not here to spy. I'm not even in the science fair anymore.
Friedman: Why not?
Luke: FBI confiscated my project.
Luke: I'm not joking.
Glynis Figliola: I always knew you had what it takes to contravene national security.
Grace Polk: I'll see you later. I'm going to go... run with scissors.
Joan Girardi: Judith doesn't know that many people here. She was just acting out.
Grace: Acting out is getting your nose pierced. Nearly dying in a pool of your own vomit goes a little deeper than that.
Grace: Do you make a special effort not to speak in science metaphors?
Joan: I thought we were going with monotheism.
Twin-Girl God: I'm impressed you know what that is.
Joan: Why are you torturing me, And don't say I'm torturing myself.
Twin-Girl God: Sometimes it's hard to believe what you see, so you have to trust the world behind your eyes,
Joan: There's a world behind my eyes? Great, because this one isn't enough trouble.
Twin-Girl God: People manage to believe in me, even though they have no idea what I am, they trust me even in the silence.
Joan: OK. Can you take care of the rash and the barfing? Save the haiku for another time.
[Twin-Girls combine into one]
Joan: Very matrix.
Twin-Girl God: Go to the doctor, you're sick.
Adam: [after Joan fails her physics test] Physics is hard.
Joan: "Physics is hard"? That's like the intellectual version of "you're not fat".
Joan: What are you wearing?
Grace Polk: [sighing] A dress.
Joan: You're... wearing... a dress?
Grace Polk: Oh, nice smirk.
Joan: I wasn't smirking! I was... I... had to sneeze.
Will: All we can do is provide a safe environment for our kids to fail and be miserable.
Luke: Wow, the classic geek misdirect. Gee, I'd like to hang out with you, but let's pretend to study.
Joan: I just want to be who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be!
Luke: Joan, I already claimed the last pop tart!
Joan Girardi: Not unless you put your name on it, freakazoid!
Luke: Look... L-U-K-E clearly displayed in red permanent marker.