Harold: So what are you in here for?
Tarik: For being black.
Tarik: I am serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Now evidently, a black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
Harold: Holy shit! What'd you do?
Tarik: I kept saying, "I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me."
Harold: I'm sorry, I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.
Tarik: Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
Officer Martone: [notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book] Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!
Tarik: What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here.
Officer Reilly: He's trying to break free! Get him!
Tarik: Aw, shit.
[gets up and spread eagles on the cell wall, while still holding the book in one hand]
Officer Martone: Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun!
Tarik: That's not a gun, that's a book.
Officer Reilly: Secure the book!
Officer Palumbo: Book is secure. You bring this filth
[book is on human rights]
Officer Palumbo: in here? What is this shit?
Kumar: [walks up to a bush and starts peeing] Ahh.
[Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him]
Kumar: 'Scuse me, I just...
Creepy Guy: Huh?
Kumar: I have to ask you, why'd you... wha... wha... why are you peeing... right here?
Creepy Guy: What?
Kumar: I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or...
Creepy Guy: Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it?
Kumar: Well, no one was here when I chose this bush.
Creepy Guy: Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh?
Kumar: No, it's just... I just...
Creepy Guy: This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush?
Kumar: No, I just thought that...
Creepy Guy: You the king of the forest?
Kumar: I'm sorry?
Creepy Guy: What?
Creepy Guy: You fuckin' tree-hugger. IS THIS YOUR SPECIAL BUSH?
Kumar: Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight.
[they pee in silence for a bit]
Creepy Guy: [quietly] Nice pubes.
Kumar: [pauses, creeped out] Thanks.
Kumar: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?
Kumar: Hey, are the cops still here?
[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]
Harold: What the hell are you doing?
Kumar: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Harold: Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for?
Kumar: I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.
Harold: [yelling] How is that not the worse news?
Kumar: [calmly] The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.
Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Neil Patrick Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.
Neil Patrick Harris: Lapdance...
Kumar: [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions.
Neil Patrick Harris: You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
[they park, pause]
Neil Patrick Harris: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...
Kumar: Look, chill.
Harold: We'll be right back, Neil.
[they exit the car]
Harold: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
Freakshow: What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Harold: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar: Shit! Shit!
Freakshow: I most certainly did not!
Harold: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Did not!
Kumar: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar: You did, you did.
Freakshow: You sure...?
Harold: You said it!
Freakshow: [laughing] My mistake! Well, since we're all here... How 'bout a four-some?
Burger Shack Employee: Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... just makes me want to burn this motherfucker down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
Kumar: You can always get your work done in the car.
Harold: Let's do it.
Kumar: All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen - no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?
[shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound]
Burger Shack Employee: Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[Harold and Kumar show disgusted look, employee then bursts out laughing]
Harold: [Smirks] Semen.
Burger Shack Employee: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
Kumar: Roldy! Roldy! dude, you gotta come quick. There is these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us!
Kumar: I mean... duh... that there are these two lovely young pussies who would like to have a chat with you and I.
Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar: Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
Kumar: [sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?
Harold: What smell? Kumar...
Kumar: [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]
Harold: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you...
[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]
Harold: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!
Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.
Neil Patrick Harris: [looks down to count money] Here's 50 for the meal, and 200 for the car.
Harold: What happened to my car?
Neil Patrick Harris: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see...
Male Nurse: [wiping Kumar's lips with a little too much admiration] Soft, chocolate lips...
Rosenberg: I think Kumar's a "faygele".
Goldstein: Oh, they're totally gay for each other.
Rosenberg: Hey, you wanna suck on this?
Goldstein: Uh-huh. Mmm.
Freakshow: Go on inside, boys, and make yourselves at home. You can rest up, get something to drink, fuck my wife, whatever you want. Just don't do anything the good lord would'nt do.
Kumar: [walking away with Harold] Dude am I going deaf or did he just say we could fuck his wife?
Freakshow: It's gonna take me a while to fix up your car there, so if you boys like, you can go on inside, get yourselves something to drink, wash up, fuck my wife, watch TV - anything you want. Mi casa es su casa. Just don't do anything the Good Lord wouldn't do.
Kumar: So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.
Kumar: I forgot my cell phone.
Harold: You wanna run back and get it?
[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]
Kumar: No, we've gone too far.
Kumar: How were Katie Holmes' tits?
Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?
Goldstein: Picture the opposite of that!
Officer Palumbo: What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's?
Kumar: No, it's actually one "u"
Officer Palumbo: Yeah, bullshit.
Female Anchor: Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, have just arrested a gang of hooligans who are suspected of terrorizing numerous strip malls and convenience stores. Officer Thurmond Brucks found their abandoned car, which contained a large bag of marijuana. And in other news, the Muckleburg police department are still looking for a fugitive who escaped from the police station last night with a companion believed to be his accomplice. Police have released sketches of the two fugitives which they believe to be extremely accurate.
Harold: [awakening from dream after being hit on head] What the hell are you doing? Gawd!
Kumar: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up.
Harold: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?
Mean Tollbooth Guy: Move, you retarded cocksucker, move!
Harold: Are those my scissors? Dude, I trim my nose hair with those!
Kumar: Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
Kumar: Let's find us some tunes baby,
[finds a blank tape]
Kumar: Cole's extreme mix volume 5, what is this shit?
[puts in the tape and "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" begins to play]
Kumar: [laughing] These guys are fucking posers!
Dr. Patel: [to Kumar] I hope you are here to apologize for what you did at your interview this afternoon.
Saikat Patel: What the hell's wrong with you, Kumar? God! You're, like, 22 years old. I mean, when are you going to stop this post-college rebel baloney? Like your life's so hard.
Kumar: Eat my balls, Saikat.
Dr. Patel: I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off!
Kumar: Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and fuck it all up!
Harold: I want that.
Kumar: What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?
Harold: No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!
Kumar: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Harold: We gotta go to White Castle.
Kumar: YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude!
Kumar: I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.
Harold: C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.
Kumar: Just say no. That's all it takes.
[hands Harold the joint]
Kumar: Take a hit of that.
Extreme Sports Punk #1: Dude, on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not so extreme and 10 being extremely extreme, I give this a 9.5!
Hippie Student: [Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt - 80 bucks.
Kumar: 80 bucks?
Hippie Student: Yeah, 80 bucks.
Kumar: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!
Hippie Student: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. ok, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.
Kumar: What kind of a hippie are you?
Hippie Student: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid: Come on, dude. Just take one hit. Don't you wanna be cool?
I'm So High Kid: [takes drag of joint, makes a womanly cough sound]
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid: Hey, man, what are you doin'?
I'm So High Kid: I'm so high!
I'm So High Kid: Nothing can hurt me.
[puts pump-action rifle in mouth and pulls trigger]
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid: Nooo!
Kumar: Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.
Harold: Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Kumar: Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
[2 guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]
[assailants stop beating up 2 guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the 2 men lay on the ground moaning]
Harold: Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
Kumar: Yeah, that was your fault.
Harold: Fuck you.
Kumar: Fuck you.
Harold: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man.
Kumar: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow!
Harold: Shut up, man. It's a classic.
Harold: [about to ride cheetah] This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.
Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching The Gift. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: Oh man, the things I would eat out of her ass... you have no idea!
Rosenberg: Ugh! That is a completely disgusting and vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg: [shrugs; beat] Touché.
Officer Palumbo: Bullets - my only weakness! How did you know?
Goldstein: This movie makes no sense. She's possessed, she's not possessed... that rack had better be stacked. OH! TITS! Those aren't real. Yes, they are!
Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.
Harold: Back off cockboy, what I said him goes double for you.
J.D.: Cockboy, you just call me cockboy?
Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling cuz you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D.: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough!... Cockboy!
Kumar: [in surgery] Hang on a second, nurse. What we should probably use is marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate the patient for surgery.
Male Nurse: Marijuana?... But why?
Kumar: We don't have time for questions. We need marijuana now, as much of it as possible! Like a big bag of it.
J.D.: Billy boy! Get your ass ready. It's almost 5:00 and this bad boy needs to get his drink on. No, no, no. Give me that.
Billy Carver: Don't.
J.D.: I'm gonna burn it once and for all.
Billy Carver: Stop it.
Kumar: [whispering to Harold] Check out those boils on his neck! You gotta look! One of them is actually pulsating!
Harold: [whispering] Will you shut up? He's right next to me! He can hear you!
Kumar: [whispering] Ugh! Now there's some sort of Puss! Just look!
Harold: [Harold looks at Freakshow's neck]
Kumar: [whispering] See? Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?
Harold: [whispering] You think that just because you're whispering he can't hear what you are saying? He's two feet away from us! He can hear this entire conversation! He can hear me talking... right now!
Kumar: [whispering] Don't worry about it, he can't hear anything. Not with all that crust in his ear.
Freakshow: I heard everything you said.
Kumar: Hey, why don't you leave that guy alone and go jerk off to some snowboarding videos or something?
Kumar: So where you going to go now, Neil?
Neil Patrick Harris: [puts on sunglasses] Wherever God takes me!
Cindy Kim: Have you seen a Korean guy around here?
Hippie Student: Yeah, only when I open my eyes though.
Kumar: [about Doogie Howser, M.D] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.
Kumar: Even the chick who played the hot nurse?
Neil Patrick Harris: No... I didn't go all the way with her.
Harold: Is there... is there a problem, Officer... Palumbo?
Officer Palumbo: Is there a problem? Have you heard of jaywalking?
Harold: Yes, I have. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again.
Officer Palumbo: That's great. I'm writing you up a ticket.
Kumar: A ticket? Are you serious?
Officer Palumbo: Who the fuck are you, shitwad?
Harold: Harold: Thanks, for helping us out.
Freakshow: [Long Pause]
Freakshow: ...Oh no problem at all, I seen you two stranded out there. Alone. In the darkness.
Freakshow: [Under his breath. While staring at Harold] I said to myself.
Freakshow: [Short Pause]
Freakshow: What would Jesus do?
Freakshow: [Takes hands off the steering wheel and starts clapping and singing]
Freakshow: Goin' down to Georgia, gonna get myself baptised, gonna get myself baptised In the puddle of the looooooorrd.
Kumar: [notices the ticket fee] $220? Are you crazy? Excuse me, Officer sir! Let me just take a few guesses here!
Harold: [stands in front of Kumar, pleading to the officer] I'm really sorry for this...
Officer Palumbo: No sudden movements! Back it up!
Kumar: You were probably the big asshole in high school, right?
Officer Palumbo: Absolutely right.
Kumar: And you used to pick on guys like us everyday for fun?
Officer Palumbo: With pleasure.
Kumar: But then graduation day came! We went to college, while you went nowhere. And then you began to think to yourself, "Gee. How can I still give them grief? Oh, I know, I'll just become a cop." Yeah? Well, congratulations! Your dream has come true! Now, why don't you just take this quiet little Asian guy with the American name that treats you so well and give him some more tickets or better just take him to jail.
Officer Palumbo: Even better.
Officer Palumbo: You're going downtown thanks to your friend here.
Kumar: [to Harold, mockingly] Oh, great American name, Harold!
Harold: [lunges his fist toward Kumar, but misses and strikes Officer Palumbo in the face] Yaaah!
Officer Palumbo: Huh.
[spits his gum out, angrily]
Harold: [placed in jail with a blank expression on his face] Oh, shoot.
Extreme Sports Punk #1: Dude, that was SO not extreme!
Cole: I know, Extreme Sports Punk Number One...
Harold: I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.
Kumar: I want the same except make mine diet cokes.
Kumar: Hey Roldy?
Kumar: There's something I forgot to tell you.
Kumar: I never hang-glided before.
Kumar: Well, congratu-fuckin'-lations, your dream has come true!
Kumar: Dude, am I going deaf or did he just say we could fuck his wife?
Kumar: [licking Harold's face]
Harold: Ah! AH! What the hell are you doing?
Kumar: You've been out cold for the past half hour, I figured if I did some gay shit you'd wake up.
Freakshow: Go on inside, boys, and make yourselves at home. You can rest up, get something to drink, fuck my wife, whatever you want. Just don't do anything Jesus wouldn't!
Kumar: [starts walking away with Harold] Did he just say we could fuck his wife?
Freakshow: Hey Randy! What? The devil! Whuh? The devil is everywhere...
Freakshow: Hey Randy! What? The devil! Oh! The devil is everywhere... Hey Randy! What? Liqour! Ooh! The devil is everywhere... Hey Randy! What? Tobacco! Ooh! The devil is everywhere... Hey Randy! What? Crystal meth!... oh... uhh... The devil... is... everywhere... Let's take a breather and pray...
Harold: [after Kumar's rude intervention] I apologize for my friend here, we had a really tough night. I'm really glad you're here. You ever heard of the show, Doogie Houser, MD?
Officer Palumbo: Yeah, I know the show. God, I love that show! Doogie. Ha.
Harold: Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.
Officer Palumbo: [Points his pen at Harold] Hey! NPH wouldn't do that, all right? Now let me see some I.D.
Kumar: [in surgery] We should give this man some marijuana. Nurse! Get all the medical marijuana you can! Like a big bag of it?
Male Nurse: Marijuana?... But why?
Kumar: Kumar: My names Kumar.
[Lifts hand in the air, immediately, whilst still watching the road]
Freakshow: How are you, Kenny?
[Confused, by this over reaction]
Kumar: Um... And this is Harold.
Freakshow: Freakshow: Hi, Gerald how are you?
Harold: So what are you in for?
Tarik: For being Black.
Tarik: I am being serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Nobles, and a cop stops me. Evidently, a Black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So, he starts beating with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
Harold: Holy shit! What did you do?
Tarik: I said, " I understand that I am under arrest. Now please stop beating me."
Harold: I don't understand how you can be so calm about this.
Tarik: Look at me. I'm fat, Black, can't dance and have tow gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense in getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus, I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
Kumar: Excuse me officer. Let me take a couple of guesses. You were probably the big asshole in your high school, right?
Officer Martone: Absolutely right.
Kumar: Used to pick on guys like us every day, right?
Officer Martone: With pleasure.
Kumar: Then graduation day came, and we went to college, and you went nowhere, and you thought, "Hey, how can I still give them shit? I know, I'll become a cop."
Harold: [to Maria in elevator, after seeing luggage at her feet] Sure got a lotta baggage.