Rock Me, Baby (2003–2004)
Jimmy: It's been ten weeks since Otis was born and you combine that with the last nine weeks of pregnancy and we haven't done it in almost five months. I miss it in there.
Beth: I know, it's just... Well, last time it was in there for nine months and it kinda trashed the place.
Jimmy: Okay, fair enough. Any other vacancies in the building?
[Jimmy wants to have sex]
Jimmy: I'll take care of him until midnight, even though I get up at four, if you just take one for the team.
Beth: Take one for the team?
Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, you know, like when a baseball player gets hit by a pitch on purpose. It doesn't feel good but you do it for the team.
Jimmy: Thanks a lot, Otis. You know, when you're 18 and about to get some, I'm gonna pee on you.
Boyle: You know what it means when a morning D.J. yawns on the air?
Jimmy: Yeah, he's tired.
Boyle: No, he's dead. The only thing that makes people change their stations faster is four in a row by Kenny G.
Boyle: I told you, there's no room for kids in morning radio. They make you lose your edge. That's why I never had kids.
Jimmy: Really? I thought it was because no one would do you... I'm sorry... I mean for free.
Kate: They're dying to see you and your new boobs.
Beth: They are pretty awesome, aren't they?
Kate: Yeah. I hate babies but I'm thinkin' about gettin' knocked up just to get a pair.
Jimmy: Before your wife has the baby she is a sex machine. Okay, after the baby is born, the ol' sex machine shuts down for a while and, uh... Well, you gotta use the hand crank.
Beth: Okay, so I left CPR instructions on the counter right next to the number for poison control.
Jimmy: Poison control? You think I'm gonna poison him?
Beth: No! But if you do, the number's on the counter.
Jimmy: You're putting beer in Otis's bottles.
Carl: Hey, you're the one who named him after the town drunk from Mayberry.
Jimmy: Dude, being a dad changes you. I mean, every time I look down at this little guy I realize that he needs me to take care of him. I've never loved anything so much.
Carl: Wow, sounds like being a dad changes you - into a woman.
Jimmy: You're better at diapers than me. You get to all the nooks and crannies. The kid's like an English muffin down there.
Beth: You've seen how tired I am. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a chore.
Jimmy: Oh, so sex is a chore now?
Beth: Well you did put it on my to-do list.
Jimmy: Yeah, and I'm still waitin' for you to do me.
Jimmy: I think we should consider traditional gender roles. You gather the laundry, dishes and diapers and I will hunt for bison... and porn on the internet.
Beth: We need parent friends. If we had friends with babies, we'd know how they do it.
Jimmy: Honey, I know how they do it. Same as we did - busted condom.
Carl: Hey, I found this new sports bar where we can watch the game. It's kinda like Hooters only it's for butts. It's called Assies.
Pam: Can you see my nipples in this picture?
Beth: Nope. No nippage.
Pam: Damn! I gotta get these reshot. It's for the cover of my demo CD and the title is "Caught in the Headlights!"
Pam: Babies, football and Carl. Who knew they served quiche in Hell?
Beth: I'm sorry, you just didn't seem... the type.
Steve: Why, because I don't have six-pack abs? You know, pudgy guys like having sex with men too.
Kelly: Were you guys gonna watch the game?
Jimmy: Yeah, but we can go in the kitchen and eat quiche if you'd like.
Kelly: Listen, I'm gay but I'm not that gay.
Kelly: Hey, what a great Sunday! I get to watch the game while your wife entertains the old balls-and-chain... You heard me!
Kelly: I love Assies! You do know that it's a gay sports bar, right?
Jimmy: No, really? So the waitresses are...
Jimmy: And the assies are...
Kelly: To die for!
Jimmy: You're still my partner and my best buddy and I - and I'm watching the Broncos with you.
Carl: What about your new gay friend?
Jimmy: I'll blow him off. God, I hope this mic isn't on.
Jimmy: All gay guys are cool.
Carl: Hey, I thought all black guys were cool.
Jimmy: No, not since the eighties. Urkel screwed that up for you.
Jimmy: All I'm a dad. I can't be doing drugs anymore.
Carl: Apparently you don't watch The Osbournes.
Pam: I was meetin a blind date for dinner tonight but there was a problem.
Beth: What was the problem?
Pam: He was ugly. And I'm not blind!
Jimmy: Smell my breath. Does it smell like pot?
Carl: No. Smells like feet and ass.
Kevin: Here, I've got some minty breath spray. My breath smells like ass too, but not the good kind.
Jimmy: It's time we start acting like grownups... but I'm still watching Spongebob.
[Jimmy smokes pot but doesn't tell Beth]
Carl: As Johnny Cochrane would say, "If you take a hit, you must omit."
Carl: Jimmy was just telling me he's gonna get some life insurance. Kind of a Ward Cleaver thing to do, isn't it, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Well, Carl, it is my job to protect the Beaver.
[Jimmy takes out a million dollar insurance policy on himself]
Jimmy: Yeah, I want Beth to be taken care of but, you know, I don't wanna give her too much incentive to have me whacked.
Carl: Man, for a million dollars, I'd whack ya.
Jimmy: Okay, when you say "whack", you mean "kill", right?
Carl: Either way.
Beth: Did you sleep with any hookers or kill anyone?
Jimmy: Oh, you got me. I slept with a hooker and then I killed her. And just for fun, I kicked a puppy.
Pam: Guys are always askin, "How many guys have you been with before me? Be honest." And then you tell em 28 and suddenly they start lookin at you different.
Pam: Imagine if I'd told the truth!
Pam: Why do women start saying things like "diapee" and "poopie" after they have a kid?
Beth: Sounds better than "feces" and "pee-catcher".
Beth: I'm a terrible mother!
Pam: See, that's why I take the pill twice a day. I'm goin to take a bonus one right now.
Jimmy: If I have to clip one more coupon I'm gonna slit my wrists. Oh, that reminds me, I have a coupon for Band-Aids.
Bill: Man, you look as white as the cast of Friends.
Beth: You'll find another job.
Jimmy: Beth, once you've blown chunks in a chopper, there's not a lot of places to go.
Pam: Beth, you're the boss and as the boss, it's your job to make him think that he's the boss.
Beth: What the hell are you talking about?
Pam: I don't know. I saw it on "Who's the Boss?".
Beth: So you're sure you're okay with me sticking my nose in your business?
Jimmy: Oh, yeah! Yeah, I love that... Oh, you mean *business* business.
Jimmy: There probably are a lot of jobs that are tougher than being a mom. What about those guys that have to clean out the port-o-johns from outdoor rock concerts?
Carl: I've been in those things. I don't think that job exists.
Beth: We could have a dinner party. Like, with real grownup conversation and we could finally use our crystal and china and linen napkins. And we'll make a gourmet meal...
Jimmy: And Jello shots.
Carl: You took your baby to a cop movie? That's like taking your mother to a porno.
Kevin: Can I bring a date?
Jimmy: Uh, well, you may bring a date, but the question is can you? Not your mother.
Beth: It's just like Thanksgiving.
Jimmy: Yeah well, it would be if my grandpa were here, all drunk, talking about "those dang homosectionals".
Beth: Otis has a runny nose.
Jimmy: Is it green or clear? Oh God! You know, I can't believe how much we talk about this boy's bodily fluids. It's like he's a tiny Bill Clinton.
Jimmy: Just because Otis has a little sniffle, we can't let it ruin our evening. That's what we have Kevin for.
Pam: Boy, look at these misfits. This place looks like a 7-11 after midnight.
Mandy: I'm a dancer.
Beth: Oooh, what kind of dance?
Mandy: Well, I have a degree from the University of Arizona in modern dance and jazz, but now mostly I do lap.
Pam: I don't date guys like him unless they're rich and in very poor health.
Carl: I wouldn't be so quick to dis me if I were you, Pam.
Pam: You know what, Carl? You're right. I'll dis you more slowly. Goooooo awaayyyy!
Carl: I could use a little eye candy in my picture.
Pam: Well, I'm sorry, Carl, but you're gonna have to find some other eye candy... 'cause ya ain't gonna lick me.
[Otis has pinkeye]
Jimmy: Poor guy, he could use a makeover. Little Queer Eye for the Pinkeye.
[Otis gives Carl pinkeye]
Carl: I wake up this morning with my eye glued to my pillow because you and Beth chose not to inform us that Otis was the host-monkey.
Pam: When you have a dinner party, I'm there... even though I know Carl's gonna be staring like it's his birthday and my ass is the cake.
Beth: We have no friends.
Jimmy: Yeah but, baby, you gotta look at the big picture. We also have no life.
Beth: I mean, I know he's just a baby but do you think maybe sometimes he cries just to piss us off?
Jimmy: Of course. Do you think it's an accident that he cries every time we try to have sex?
Carl: That's just great. Great. Seven hour car ride with a baby. Pop in a John Tesh CD and I'm in Hell.
Jimmy: Look, honey, when his show first came to Denver, instead of calling me "Jimmy Cox", he called me "Jimmy No Cox". Alright, I've been trying to come up with a nickname for him for years.
Beth: How 'bout Danny Bonadouchebag?
Jimmy: I'm pathetic? You own a blowup doll.
Carl: Hey, I told you it's not a blowup doll. It's an action figure.
Jimmy: So, you seen any action lately?
Jimmy: Yeah, well having a wife and child is the most rewarding thing a man can do with his life.
Carl: You know she's not here, right?
Jimmy: Yeah, but you never know when they're gonna sneak up behind ya.
Man on TV: Miss Wilson, come in here and take some... dictation.
Beth: Wow! Naked people and clever wordplay. It's like the Frasier of porn.
Jimmy: Listen, I'd love to stay here and chat but I know you've got that multi-colored schoolbus to catch, so...
Danny Bonaduce: Oh, a Partridge Family joke. How fresh!
Jimmy: I want you to go and I will watch little Otie woatie toadie bodie.
Jimmy: Well it's official. You got no nads!
Kia: Oh, and you don't have to worry because I'm a nurse in a pediatric unit.
Jimmy: Oh, well then you two have a lot in common because a lot of women have told Carl he has a pediatric unit.
Beth: Is this the most retarded argument we've ever had?
Jimmy: No, that would be the time that we argued about whether or not Batman and Robin are gay.
Beth: They totally are!
Jimmy: You know what? I don't even wanna go there again.
Beth: ...we didn't have sex on our anniversary.
Pam: Really? Well, even I had sex on your anniversary.
Pam: Besides, there is nothing sexier than stripping in front of a bunch of strangers. Or people you know. Ah, hell, I guess the key here is just getting naked.
Kevin: You're, like, this great wife and mom and you're the hottest woman I've ever talked to without being slapped or entering a credit card number.
Pam: Well, hello, my name's Pam. But my stripper name is Pam... demonium. And I'm here because I got the package - I just wanna learn how to deliver it.
Kevin: My name's Kevin. My stripper name is Krispy Kreme. They call me that cause I'm round and sweet and empty inside.
Beth: What happened to your finger?
Jimmy: Ah, I hurt it playin' with Carl.
Beth: Did he pull too hard?
Jimmy: Well, uh, I don't like to brag but I was voted Best Dancer in high school. It was prob'ly cause I had a seizure at the prom. Yeah, turns out I'm allergic to shrimp.
Pam: Oooohh, that woman is hot! You know, I don't swing that way, but if I did... Mmmmmm, Jessica Alba!
Pam: Okay, so you sent him to interview Jessica Alba with explicit instructions not to mention his wife? Good move, Beth.
Beth: I am not jealous.
Jimmy: Yes, you are. Cause that's the same look I get when I watch you eating a popsicle.
Jimmy: I think we finally settled that debate over who your daddy is once and for all.
Jimmy: I mean, what, you don't get bed head like this from just sleepin' on it, right?
Jimmy: Don't you ever fantasize about someone else when you're makin love to me?
Jimmy: I see. Clearly I did not know that or I would not have asked the question.
Pam: I don't like comin' over here when you and Jimmy are fighting. The tension's bad for my digestion. I'll have to start eating my meals at home. I'll still be getting 'em here, I'll just be taking them home.
Beth: Oh come on, Otis, it's strained peas and squash. How can you not like this?
Pam: Four words: "strained peas and squash".
Jimmy: Yeah, the wife meeting the old girlfriend, isn't that in The Bad Idea Hall of Fame?
Carl: It's right up there next to mesh condoms.
Beth: How could you dump her? She's perfect!
Jimmy: Hey, you're the one that wanted to come here.
Beth: Okay, the correct answer was, "No, she's not!"
Jimmy: I thought we were done fighting.
Beth: No, I walked into the bedroom. You were supposed to follow me...
Jimmy: I'm sorry but when an angry bear walks away, you don't follow it.
Marques Houston: Yo, man, obviously you don't know how to deal with the ladies.
Jimmy: This coming from a man who sings a song called "Pop That Booty".
Crandall: It's a great show, guys. Tomorrow I want you to keep this level of hilarity up. Maybe we'll do a show on, oh I don't know, cancer?
Carl: So is this the place you hung out when you used to dress like Boy George?
Jimmy: That was once, alright, for a Halloween party. And I'd appreciate it if you would take the picture off of your screensaver.
Beth: Look at these teeny tiny little sneakers. Oh, and this tiny little hat. Oh, how come teeny tiny things are always so cute?
Pam: They're not all cute. Some of them are just inadequate.
Beth: Oh, look at this crib and it's 25% off.
Pam: Hey, why don't they make these things for adults? So many places to attach handcuffs.
Beth: Pam, could you clean up your act? We are in a baby store.
Pam: I know! How come they have to make everything in here so sexual?
Beth: I've got a surprise for you.
Jimmy: Oh no! No, last time you said that you had just finished peeing on a stick.
Jimmy: You know somethin', Carl? The times, they are a-changin'.
Carl: Mmm, that's hard to believe when you're quoting a forty year old song.
[It's Otis's first time in his own room]
Jimmy: Honey, look, you've already checked on him six times tonight.
Beth: I just wanna make sure he's okay.
Jimmy: Okay. Okay, maybe you should. 'Cause he's probably climbed out of his crib, crawled down the block and reached the Things That Can Lodge in Your Throat store.
Jimmy: Yes! We are playing catch just like I did with my dad. Only this is better because I'm not calling Otis a spazz and yelling that he better stop crying or I'll give him something to cry about.
Carl: It's time for us to take a break here on The Core, so if you're in your car, take a minute and pick your nose and pretend no one can see ya.
Debbie: Did the camera love you? If it were a dog it would be humping your leg.
Carl: Where'd you get the sweater? I mean, did Bill Cosby throw up on you?
Kevin: Adrianne Curry, she's hot. She would be perfect for me if only she were blind and didn't care about money.
Jimmy: No, I am not the male model type, really.
Janice Dickinson: Clearly, dear. Not with those pores.
Jimmy: Not all child stars go bad. The kids from The Cosby Show turned out okay.
Jimmy: Okay, I'm gonna share a painful memory from my childhood.
Beth: Oh, is this about when your mother found you "discovering yourself?"
Jimmy: Thank you for making this such a safe environment in which to share.
Jimmy: Oh my God! I like having sex with women but I'm gay, aren't I?
Beth: You know how Ben and J-Lo are called "Ben-nifer"? Maybe we could name Pam and Carl "Ca-Pam".
Pam: You know, you're not that bad when you're looking me in the eyes and not the sweater.
Carl: You know what? I'm glad you brought that up cause I gotta know. Are they real or, uh, contacts?
Pam: Oh, they're definitely real. My vision is 36, 24, 36.
Carl: Does everybody in Morocco eat with their hands or did this place run out of silverware?
Pam: Carl, the way they're staring at us to see if we'll hook up, it's... it's like we're on Elimidate.
Beth: Oh, shoot! I forgot to tell them that they're both lactose intolerant. You know, that's the kind of mutual struggle that brings people together.
Beth: Grandma, have you been drinking?
Grandma: Of course not! You know I never I never hit the sauce when I'm on duty.
Beth: Well then who's been drinking this whiskey?
Grandma: Oh, that! I gave it to Otis.
Jimmy: Grandma, you dipped Otis's pacifier in alcohol?
Grandma: Yes, and then he had some formula as a chaser!
Grandma: Oh, look, I know that my child rearing tactics must seem a little outmoded to you, with your car seats and your fancy, non-rectal thermometers, but I helped raise you and you turned out okay, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Yeah, but who knows what my potential would've been if I hadn't been dropped, drugged and probed.
Beth: There's a freezer full of ice to rub on Otis's gums if he gets fussy from the teething.
Grandma: Ice, gotcha, cause that'll come in handy if he wants something on the rocks.
Beth: Ca-Pam had to cancel. She's got a stomach virus.
Jimmy: Oh, man, I hope I don't get it. You know, I think I saw her lick her fingers before she grabbed my testicles... Sheep testicles. It's a Moroccan dish. Goes great with cow brains.
Grandma: And you think whiskey on the gums is peculiar?
Jimmy: Alright, since your parents are coming, I did the standard pre-parent sweep. Which means if you're looking for your "neck massager", it's under the bed.
Beth: Aren't you excited?
Jimmy: No. Doesn't work on my "neck".
Jimmy: Goodness, how are you guys?
Monty: So tired I'm about to lose incontinence... You can relax, the day I don't make that joke is the day you have to worry.
Ginger: You look embarrassed. Like that time you worked at McDonalds and I came in and asked for a McHug and kiss.
Pam: Who's ready to shop? Because there are some clothes out there that are dying to try me on.
Ginger: The toy store at home, it's so out of date. Its top seller is an M.C. Hammer action figure, which might confuse Otis because no matter where you touch it, it says, "You can't touch this."
Pam: I'll stay here with Otie. You two go.
Beth: Pam, I can't leave you with a sick baby.
Pam: I know, but I had to pretend to offer.
Beth: It's no problem.
Jimmy: Okay, alright. I'm gonna agree with you because history shows that's my best chance for some sweet, sweet lovin.
Beth: You know, it's like she's avoiding Otis on purpose, like he's the baby equivalent of jury duty.
Jimmy: It has nothing to do with your age, all right? Look, I mean Dick Clark is like a thousand.
Monty: Ah, I lost something, Beth. I'm gonna go out and try to find it.
Monty: My will to live.
Beth: So what do you guys think? This place has the best sushi in Denver.
Ginger: Yeah, it's nice... But at Red Lobster they cook the fish. I know it takes a little more time, but I think it's worth the effort.
Monty: Ginger and I feel that, at Otis's age, a baby's like a famous painting. It's beautiful but it doesn't do much. So, after a while, you've seen it.
Ginger: But soon Otis will be moving and talking and we won't be able to stop watching him. Then he won't be like a painting, he'll be like TV.
Jimmy: Who are those people?
Beth: I'll tell you who they are: interlopers.
Jimmy: Okay, honey, some of us went to community college. Use words I can understand.
Marv: Hi, I'm Marv, your grandmother's gentleman caller... or as you kids would say, uh, her, uh, booty call.
Pam: If I wanted to be watched all the time, I'd reconnect the webcam in my bedroom.
Beth: At times like this, I wish I were a guy.
Pam: Yeah, I wish I was a guy too... cause then I'd find out what it's like to have sex with me.
Carl: Hey, you - you have a webcam in your bedroom?
Pam: Yeah, I call it the Hot Pam Cam... dot org... dot gasm.
Jimmy: Carl, we're gonna be spending at least two nights on that rooftop doing this charity radio-thon. Man, you're gonna need a heavy jacket and I know I would appreciate it if you brought a change a underwear.
Carl: Remember the last time we did a radio-thon, right? Mention a pizza place on air, pizza shows up. Mention a bar, boom, beer shows up. This year, I'm thinking big. I'm going for some clothes, jewelry, home theatre system...
Jimmy: Carl, listen, you're gonna have to pretend that this radio-thon is gonna be torture, okay?
Jimmy: Because, man, look I could be the jackhole trying to escape my wife and kid for a few days, or I could be the nice guy forced to sleep on a rooftop for charity. Alright? Which one of those guys do you think gets sympathy sex?
[Beth walks in pushing Otis in a carriage]
Beth: I walked all over Denver trying to get him asleep, if you make a noise, I'll shoot you.
Jimmy: Wouldn't a gun make a noise?
Beth: I'll get a silencer.
Jimmy: It'll still make that little "phtttt".
Crandall: And I'm here to kick off our annual radio-a-thon for charity where we give our listeners a chance to help some needy people.
Jimmy: That's right. This man hasn't had a date in over two years.
Pam: You think Otis is gonna wake up with all this noise in here?
Beth: Oh, not a chance. He'll save that for the exact moment I fall asleep tonight.
Beth: Y'know, I miss Jimmy. Last night is the first time he's been away from me and Otis. It was strange not seeing him come home from work with his usual greeting: "Who's that new guy coming out of Pam's apartment?"
Pam: He's not my boyfriend.
Beth: Oh, really? Don't you date him? Accept gifts from him? Sleep with him every night?
Beth: Well then what does that make him?
Carl: Well, we define commitment differently, y'know. I call her "my girlfriend", she calls me "Carl".
Beth: Okay, if we are going to tame the wild booty monster inside of you, then we have to do a "flirt intervention". The first step is to recognize that you cannot flirt your way through life.
Pam: What are you talking about? I just flirt socially... on weekends... at parties... Oh, it doesn't hurt anyone.
Beth: Have you ever flirted while you were alone?
Pam: Well, once in a while I look in the mirror... Well it's not my fault. I'm cute, dammit!
Beth: Now do you remember when you started flirting?
Pam: Yes. I was five. Little Timmy Johnson had this toy truck. I didn't want the truck, but I wanted him to give me the truck. So I batted my eyes and I told him how fine he looked in that sandbox. Well the next thing you know, I had his truck, all his action figures and the keys to his big wheel. From then on I was hooked.
Beth: You're weak! You're a nobody! You're nothing!
Pam: What are you doing?
Beth: Breaking ya down so we can build you back up.
Pam: Alright, fine. But when you build me back up, can you add a few inches to my bust line?
Beth: He uses my body for nine months like it's an all-you-can-eat salad bar at Sizzler and his first word is "Da-Da".
Pam: Well maybe he wasn't saying "Da-Da". Maybe he was lookin at me and sayin, "D- damn, Pam's fine".
[Jimmy and Carl wake up spooning]
Carl: How much beer did we drink?
Jimmy: Is my hand on your ass?
Jimmy: Too much!
Jimmy: What are you two doing in bed together?
Beth: Pam spent the night. We were having a girls night.
Jimmy: Define "girls night".
Beth: It's not what you're thinking.
Jimmy: So you guys aren't gonna put on nurses uniforms and have a pillow fight on a trampoline?
Beth: No, we did that earlier... just after we washed cars in our bikinis in slow-motion.
[Jimmy awakens Pam by pulling a sleeping bag off of her, thinking she's Carl]
Pam: What? You touch my butt once and you come back for seconds?
Carl: Did he grab your butt? Cause he grabbed mine earlier. What's up with you and black booty?
[Carl and Pam have sex on a rooftop]
Carl: So listen, what we did up here tonight, right, qualifies us for the, uh, 800 foot high club.
Pam: Yeah, but I'm already a member - since 1992.