Open Mic Host: Since the beginning of time 'twas written in the stones that one day a band would come. Well that band has come and now they are here to cum again in your ear pussies.
Satan: I AM COMPLETE!
Satan: [singing] Yes you are fucked/Shit out of luck./Now I'm complete and my cock you will suck. This world shall be mine/ and you're first in line/You brought me the pick and now you shall both die!
JB: [singing] WAIT, Wait, wait, you motherfucker! We chalenge you to a rock-off! Give us one chance to rock your socks off!
Satan: FUCK! FUCK! Fuck! The demon code prevents me, from declining the rock off challenge. What are your terms? Whats the catch?
JB: [singing] If we win you must take your sorry ass back to hell, and also you will have to pay our rent!
Satan: And what if i win?
JB: Then you can take Kage back to hell...
JB: Trust me, Kage. It's the only way!
KG: What are you talking about?
JB: To be your little bitch!
Satan: Fine! Let the rock off begin!
Girl #2: Excuse me, are you gonna charge us for all the refills?
Truck Stop Waitress: [sarcastically] No, you're so pretty you'll get everything for free.
KG: That's a pretty good deal.
Open Mic Host: [comforting Tenacious D] You guys, having some satanic guitar pick isn't gonna make your rock any better... because Satan's not in a guitar pick, he's inside all of us. In here
[taps their chests]
Open Mic Host: in your hearts. He's what makes us not want to go to work, or exercise, or tell the truth. He's what makes us want to party and have sex with each other all night long. He's that little voice in your mind that says "Fuck you" to the people you hate. Now you can stay out here and fight on the ground and cry like babies, or you can go in there like friends and rock. So, what's it gonna be?
KG: [determined] Let's go in there and show'em what Tenacious D is all about.
JB: Yeah. I already got a guitar pick anyways.
[holds up KG's pick]
KG: Let the simulation begin!
[shines lights in JB's face]
JB: Okay, should I just sing a song?
[KG presses tape recorder]
Tape recorder: Hey, sing something, douche bag!
JB: [Begins to vocalize. The microphone lights on fire and he knocks it over]
JB: I do not need...
KG: He does not need.
JB: A microphone...
KG: A microphone.
JB: My voice is fucking...
JB: [Begins to sing to crowd and moves hand in a slow passing motion. A powerful wind comes from his hands]
JB: [Begins to vocalize again and the man's head he is looking at explodes. He apologizes]
JB: I did not mean...
KG: He did not mean.
JB: To blow your mind...
KG: To blow your mind
JB: But that shit happens to me... all the time!
JB: What's it gonna be Kyle? You have to decide... Tits... or Destiny.
KG: [Lifting up his shirt] Tits.
JB: Kyle's fingers be silver.
KG: Jack's voice then be gold.
JB: We know you're all robots and we don't care! Tenacious D! We reign! Supreme, Oh, God! Burrito supreme, and a chicken supreme, and a cutlass supreme.
Open Mic Host: We've got one spot left. You guys got any new material?
JB: What we got's gonna turn your brain into shit.
Jack's Father: [JB see's his father in the "faces" of the Gig-simulator's crowd] You're nothing but a mistake. I should have worn a condom.
JB: I told you, we're just two fuckin' business men on our way to see some shit in Sacramento!
Lee: [after the first show] That was amazing, you guys changed people's lives tonight.
KG: I know, it was so awesome dude.
JB: Yeah, it was awesome, compared to bullshit!
JB: Do not make a sound unless it's a masterpiece. Not a fuckin' sound.
KG: [farts] Thought I felt something.
JB: Let's hear that back.
JB: What do you want, 'Non-Rocker'? This line is reserved for 'Rockers Only', so I can't really talk to you right now!
Truck Stop Waitress: What'll you have?
KG: What do you recommend?
Truck Stop Waitress: I recommend you order some food.
KG: Gimme a powerslide. Full throttle.
[Hissing while performing a horrible powerslide]
KG: How did that feel?
JB: Really good. How did it look?
KG: Amazing... ly bad.
JB: [referring to tenac] I looked it up in the dictionary... it wasn't in there.
JB: [narrating in song] A long-ass fuckin' time ago in a town called Kickapoo / There lived a humble family religious through and through / But yea there was a black sheep and he knew just what to do / His name was young JB and he refused to step in line / A vision he did see of fucking rocking all the time / He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align...
[young JB enters playing a guitar]
Lil' JB: [singing] Oh, the dragon's balls were blazin' as I stepped into his cave / Then I sliced his fucking cockles with my long and shiny blade / 'Twas I who fucked the dragon, fuckalye sing fuckaloo / And if you try to fuck with me then I shall fuck you too / Gotta get it on in the party zone / I gotsta shoot a load in party zone / Gotta lick a toad in the party zone / Gotta suck a choad in the party zone!
[Jack's father takes him to his room and spanks him with his belt. A guitar riff is heard starting]
Jack's Father: [singing] You disobeyed my orders son, why were you ever born? / Your brother's ten times better than you, Jesus loves him more / This music that you've played for us comes from the depths of Hell / Rock 'n' roll's the Devil's work, he wants you to rebel.
[begins to tear down JB's rock 'n' roll posters]
Jack's Father: You'll become a mindless puppet! Beelzebub will pull the strings! / Your heart will lose direction and chaos it will bring / You better shut your mouth, you better watch your tone / You're grounded for a week with no telephone / Don't let me hear ya cry, don't let me hear ya moan / You gotta praise the Lord when you're in my home!
[Dad storms out, leaving only one poster: Ronnie James Dio]
Lil' JB: [singing to the poster] Dio, can you hear me? I am lost and so alone / I'm asking for your guidance, won't you come down from your throne? / I need a tight compadre who will teach me how to rock / My father thinks you're evil, but, man, he can suck a cock / Rock is not the Devil's work, it's magical and rad / I'll never rock as long as I am stuck here with my dad.
[the poster comes to life]
Ronnie James Dio: [singing] I hear you brave young Jables, you are hungry for the rock / But to learn the ancient methods, secret doors you must unlock / Escape your father's clutches in this oppressive neighborhood / On a journey you must go to find the land of Hollywood / In the City of Fallen Angels, where the ocean meets the sand / You will form a strong alliance and the world's most awesome band / To find your fame and fortune, through the valley you must walk / You will face your inner demons, now go my son and ROCK!
[JB jumps out the window and runs away from home]
JB: [narrating in song] So he bailed from fucking Kickapoo with hunger in his heart / And he journeyed far and wide to find the secrets of his art / But in the end he knew that he would find his counterpart / Rock! / Rah-ha-ha-ha-hock / Rah-ha-ha-ha-ha...
JB: [holding Satan's broken horn, casting a spell at him] From whence you came / you shall remain / until you are / complete again!
JB: [looks out the window and sees a hot babe] WOW, check out that superfox.
KG: You think you can handle a woman like that?
JB: I think so.
KG: Well, you better know so. Cause there's gonna be then times hotter once backstage at the Kyle Gass Project.
KG: [nods his head] Sex is a crucial component to the Kyle Gass Project. Now drop and give me one cock push-up.
JB: What's a cock push-up?
KG: [Repeats JB like he is supposed to know what it means] What's a cock push-up? A cock push-up my friend, is when you lay on your stomach, and lift yourself of the ground with nothing but your boner.
JB: No problem.
KG: The cock is a muscle, you gotta learn how to flex it. From now on I want you to do one cock push-up a day, everyday.
JB: It hurts my cock.
KG: Keep at it, you never know when you'll need to fuck your way out of a tight situation.
The Stranger: I'm going to slice out your eyes, and your balls. And then I am going to stick your eyes in your ball sacks. And then I will take your balls, and I will put them in your eyeholes!
KG: Go ahead and sleep on the power couch. Your training begins tomorrow, at the crack of noon.
JB: Now our masterpiece will never happen because we won't be fueled by Satan!
KG: Dude, I've got some smoking hot babes, and they want us to play a gig!
JB: No, I've just had the weirdest conversation of my life in there.
[points to the bathroom]
Lee: Duuuuude, You guys are like... Electric Dynamite!
KG: [JB's first rocklesson] Lesson 1: the powerslide
[turns on a video showing Pete Townshend performing a powerslide on stage]
KG: [turns it of again]
JB: Hm... It's just sliding on your knees.
KG: Is it? Or is it the single most powerful stage-move in any rocker's arsenal?
KG: Go score me a dime-bag.
JB: A what?
KG: Ten dollars worth of weed. Now listen: Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza, ask for Jojo. Tell him you want the Bob Marley Extra Crispy. He'll know what you're talkin' about.
JB: All right dude, roger that. One Extra Crispy comin' up!
[hangs up phone]
JB: Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, more precious than a diamond on a platinum chain!
JB, KG: In Venice Beach, there was a man named Kage When he was buskin he was all the rage. He met Jables and he taught him well, all the techniques that were developed in hell. Cock pushups and the power slide, gig simulation now theres nowhere to hide. They formed a band they named Tenacious D, and then they got the Pick of Destiny.
JB: Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child. You know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, our tasty grooves are better than a chicken chow mein!
JB: The wizard and the demon had a battle royale, the demon almost killed him with an evil kapow, but then he broke his tooth and thus the demon said "OW"
JB: Cause he who's a geezer, must live in my freezer. And she who is starkey, is full of mularkey. And he who is groovy, must be in my movie, so come on! Oh! Cause if you're a diva, then go to Geneva. And if you're a crony, then suck on my bony. And if you are groovy, then get in my movie! It's called the Pick of Destiny! The Pick of Destiny.
KG: I'll have the fried chicken. And the steak... and the chicken-fried steak.
KG: Welcome to the gig simulator, after this your training is complete, you will be ready to audition for the KGP.
JB: The what?
KG: The Kyle Gass Project.
JB: Oh, right, right.