Liz: You see what I'm saying?
Shaun: Yep, totally.
Liz: I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
Shaun: I know.
Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed.
[Liz looks over at Ed who is playing an arcade game]
Liz: Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
Ed: It's all right.
Liz: It would just be nice if we could...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Fuck!
Liz: ...spend a bit more time together...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Bollocks!
Liz: ...just the two of us.
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Cock it!
Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things.
Shaun: What do you mean?
Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?
Shaun: No, what does "exacerbate" mean?
Liz: It means um, to make things worse.
Shaun: Right. Well I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di.
[Shaun looks over at David and Di at the table next to them]
Shaun: Guys, it's not that I don't like you.
Shaun: And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?
Ed: I've got nothing.
[Dianne throws a dart and misses]
[Dianne throws another dart and hits the zombie]
Shaun: YES, yes, in the head!
[Dianne throws a third dart and hits Shaun in the head on accident]
[Shaun leads the zombies away from the pub to create a diversion]
Shaun: Come and get it! It's a running buffet!
Shaun: All you can eat!
[Philip is crouched beside the car, after being bitten by a zombie]
Philip: You're not driving that car.
Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
Ed: All right... are there any out there, though?
[looking out of the letter-box, he sees an empty street]
Shaun: I can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.
[he turns his head and sees a pack of zombies]
Shaun: Oh, no, there they are.
[Shaun hits the zombie pub owner with the butt of the rifle]
Ed: Why didn't you just shoot him, man?
Shaun: Ed, for the last time...
[Shaun squeezes the trigger of the gun, and it actually fires!]
Ed: [gleefully] I fucking knew it!
Shaun: [about Ed] He's not my boyfriend!
Ed: [handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.
Shaun: Thanks, babe.
Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?
Ed: [pulls the car up] What's up, niggas?
[looking through Shaun's LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
Ed: 'Purple Rain'?
Ed: 'Sign o' the Times'?
Shaun: Definitely not.
Ed: The 'Batman' soundtrack?
Shaun: Throw it.
Ed: 'Dire Straits'?
Shaun: Throw it.
Ed: Ooh, 'Stone Roses'.
Shaun: Um, No.
Ed: 'Second Coming'.
Shaun: I like it!
Ed: Ahhh! 'Sade'.
Shaun: Yeah, but that's Liz's!
Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you.
Shaun: He's not my Dad, he's my stepdad!
Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.
Shaun: Well are they still there?
Barbara: [over the phone] I'm not sure, we've shut the curtains.
Shaun: Did you try the police?
Barbara: [over the phone] Well I thought about it.
Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you?
Barbara: [over the phone] No I'm fine. I'm fine.
Barbara: [over the phone] Well they were a bit... bitey.
Shaun: [concerned] Mum, have you been bitten?
Barbara: [over the phone] No... But Philip has.
Shaun: [calmly] Oh, OK.
Ed: Has she been bitten?
Shaun: [to Ed] No, Philip has.
Ed: [calmly] Oh, OK.
Shaun: Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in?
Barbara: [over the phone] Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather.
Shaun: I see.
Ed: What's the deal?
Shaun: [to Ed] We may have to kill my step-dad.
Ed: We're coming to get you, Barbara!
Ed: Don't forget to kill Philip!
Pete: It's four in the fucking morning!
Shaun: It's Saturday!
Pete: No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday. And I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY?
Ed: Fuck, yeah!
Shaun: Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!
Ed: What's the plan then?
[cuts to dream sequence]
Shaun: We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's, we go in, take care of Philip - "I'm so sorry, Philip" - then we grab Mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's?
Shaun: Because we do.
Ed: But she dumped you!
Shaun: I have to know if she's all right!
Shaun: Because I love her!
Ed: All right... gayyy... I'm not staying there, though.
Shaun: Why not?
Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.
[cuts to dream sequence again]
Shaun: We take Pete's car, go round Mum's, go in, deal with Philip - "Sorry, Philip!" - grab Mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here.
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Well, it's not really safe, is it?
Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it.
Shaun: Where's safe? Where's familiar?
Ed: Where can I smoke?
[Shaun and Ed pause then slowly make a realisation]
Shaun: [cuts to dream sequence a third time] Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?
Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!
[Shaun and Ed clang their weapons together]
[in "I Married A Zombie" sketch]
Trisha Goddard: You go to bed with it?
Shaun: Ed, this is serious!
[Shaun hands Liz a bunch of flowers]
Shaun: Got you these.
[Liz reads the label]
Liz: "To a wonderful mum"?
Shaun: [sniggers] Oooh! Yeah, that's, because... I thought, it would be, funny, because of what you said last night about me y'know, don't wanna be my mum and that. It's just a little joke, just sort of spur of the moment...
Liz: They're for your mum, aren't they?
Dianne: I don't think he'd leave us, Davs.
David: Wouldn't he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do now?
Ed: We could get a round in.
Shaun: [about Ed] I've known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he's a laugh.
Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo!
Shaun: Oh, leave him alone.
Pete: All right, I admit, he can pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple Schnappes and playing Tekken 2.
Shaun: Oh yeah.
Shaun: When was that?
Pete: [laughing] That was five years ago. When's he going home?
Shaun: [about Ed] Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know. You've sold puff.
Pete: Yeah. Once. At college. To you.
[after the gun fires in the pub, proving Ed correct]
Shaun: Okay. But dogs CAN look up!
Shaun: They still out there?
[Ed checks, revealing two zombies scratching at the window]
Ed: Yeah. What you think we should do?
Shaun: Have a sit down?
[on leaving the front door open]
Pete: Now, I'm not saying it was you.
Shaun: I know, man...
Pete: I'm saying it was Ed.
[Shaun tries to get out of Philip's Jaguar]
Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Philip: Safety first, Shaun.
[describing the zombies]
Dianne: Just look at the face: it's vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet.
[trying to call the emergency services]
Ed: Shaun, what's going on?
Shaun: Shit, it's engaged!
Ed: How about an ambulance?
Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.
Ed: A fire engine?
Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?
[a jukebox begins playing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" while the zombie pub owner attacks the group]
Shaun: Who the hell put this on?
Ed: It's on random.
Liz: For fuck's sake!
David: You still haven't met his mum?
Shaun: Not yet!
Dianne: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: It's not that I don't get on with her...
David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: No! I love my mum!
Ed: I love his mum too.
Ed: [singing] She's like butter!
[Shaun is surprised to see that Liz has a pack of cigarettes]
Liz: You left them in my flat.
Shaun: Yeah, in the bin!
Liz: I was desperate.
Shaun: Sneaky monkey...
[Ed pulls the car over after doing a couple of 360s]
Ed: Whoa, mama!
Shaun: Christ! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Ed: Chill out. Everyone's all right.
Shaun: Stop telling me to chill out!
[Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Philip's Jaguar in the driveway]
Ed: Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then?
Ed: You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Philip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.
Ed: Fuck. It's gorgeous.
Jeremy Thompson - Newsreader: To recap, it is *vital* that you stay in your homes. Make no attempt to reach loved ones, and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.
Ed: Do you believe everything you hear on TV?
Shaun: Look, I don't care what the telly says, all right? We *have* to get out of here. If we don't they'll tear us to pieces, and that is really going to exacerbate things for all of us.
[Shaun has just fought a zombie unassisted]
Shaun: [sarcastically] Feel free to step in any time!
Ed: You did all right.
David: I didn't want to cramp your style.
Ed: What happened to your hand, man?
Pete: I got mugged on the way home.
Ed: By who?
Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me.
Ed: Why'd they bite you?
Pete: I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and your stupid hip hop isn't helping. And the front door is open... AGAIN!
Ed: It's not hip hop, it's Electro. Prick... Next time I see him, he's dead.
[Shaun is channel hopping]
[Channel 4 News]
Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...
[VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
Morrissey: ...Panic on the streets of London...
News Reporter: ...as an increasing number of reports of...
Football Commentator 2: ...serious attacks on...
[Channel Five News]
News Reporter: ...people, who are literally being...
[Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
Documentary Narrator: ...eaten alive.
Jeremy Thompson: Witness reports at best are sketchy. One unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...
Vernon Kay: ...dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...
Barbara: It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?
Various: You've got red on you.
Liz: You hang out with my friends? Sorry, a failed actress and a twat?
Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh.
Liz: Your words!
Shaun: I did NOT call Dianne a failed actress!
Shaun: Pete? Pete?
Ed: Why don't we just go up?
Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don't go up there!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work.
Ed: Well, how come he didn't drive? His keys are still here.
Shaun: Well, maybe he got a lift; he said he wasn't feeling very well. Pete?
Ed: OI, PRICK!
[There is a pause]
[Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit and Shaun rolls down his window]
Shaun: Are you all right?
Ed: Come on, let's just go.
Ed: He's going to be dead either way.
Shaun: Ed, that's not the point!
[the body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed]
Shaun: Oh thank God for that.
[David is pointing a gun at Barbara and Shaun is trying to stop him]
Liz: PLEASE CAN WE... JUST CALM... THE FUCK... DOWN!
Ed: You gonna thank me then?
Shaun: For what?
Ed: Tidying up!
Shaun: Doesn't look that tidy.
Ed: Well, I had a few beers when I finished.
David: What are we going to eat?
Ed: There's a Breville out back.
David: Great. Saved by nibbles.
[after Shaun gets shouted at by Liz]
David: Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun
Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her if you love her so much?
David: What do you mean by that?
David: Well, I don't know what he meant by that.
Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he's talking about.
Shaun: If you get cornered...
[hits himself on head with cricket bat]
Shaun: ...bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?
Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with.
Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!
Barbara: Well you did call him a you-know-what!
Shaun: Oh what, did he tell you that?
Barbara: Yes he did.
Shaun: Sorry mother... mum!
Shaun: Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?
[long pause, then Barbara turns to look at Shaun]
Shaun: That wasn't true. Made it up. Shouldn't have done. Sorry.
Liz: Well... is it clear?
Liz: How many?
[pan up to show a horde of zombies behind the fence]
[after Philip has been bitten]
Philip: You didn't call the doctor, did you?
Barbara: Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side.
Philip: I'm quite all right, Barbara, I ran it under a cold tap.
Barbara: I really think...
Philip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.
Barbara: But Philip...
Philip: It's a lot of overblown nonsense, a lot of drug nuts running wild.
Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
David: I'm not a chartered accountant!
Shaun: Well, you look like one!
David: I'm a lecturer.
Shaun: You're a twat!
Ed: Do you want your messages?
Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
John: Last orders, please!
Videogame Voice: Player two has entered the game.
[Ed, now a zombie, tries to bite Shaun]
[Shaun sits down next to Ed, who's playing a videogame, and presses a button on the controller]
Videogame Voice: Player 2 has entered the game.
Ed: Don't you have work?
[Shaun presses a button again and gets up]
Videogame Voice: Player 2 has left the game.
Rabid Monkeys Newsreader: Claims that the virus was caused by rage-infected monkeys have now been dismissed as bull...
[turns off the TV]
Shaun: Would anyone like... a peanut?
Dianne: Daffs is always taking me to see these listed buildings, and I'm always dragging him to the theatre.
Shaun: All right, I've got a car outside, but it's going to be a bit cramped, so has anyone got transport?
Dianne: Yes, yes!
Shaun: Great, where?
Dianne: Oh? No, well I passed my test.
[while he is disguised as a zombie, Ed's phone rings and he answers it]
[others look horrified]
Ed: Two seconds!
[he chats on his phone until Shaun knocks it out of his hand]
Ed: Oi! What are you doing?
Shaun: [shouts] What am I doing? What are you doing, you stupid moron?
Ed: Fuck off!
Shaun: [shouts] You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I've spent... look at me! I've spent my entire life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I'm not going to let you do it any more. OK? Not today!
[sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them]
Yvonne: Oh, my God! Shaun!
Ed: I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: It's OK.
Ed: No, I'm *sorry*, Shaun.
[smells Ed's fart]
Shaun: Oh, God, that's rotten!
Ed: I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing!
Shaun: I am not laughing!
Ed: Two seconds!
Shaun: [looking behind Ed's shoulder at the old woman in the pub] All right, what about her, then?
Ed: [looking back at her, then to Shaun] Ooooooh... cockacidal maniac. Ex-porn star. She's done it all. They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop...
[moves his hands to indicate sex]
Ed: Café au lait...
[points at Shaun]
Ed: ... pour vous!
Shaun: [to a girl in the garden] Excuse me?
Shaun: Excuse me?
Ed: [picks up a pebble and throws it off her back] Oi!
[girl turns round, a zombie]
Shaun: Oh, my God! She's so drunk!
Shaun: No, Noel, no matter you might think, okay, I do not find it difficult to keep my work and my social life separate.
Worker: Shaun, it's Liz for you.
[hands him the phone]
[Shaun and Ed are getting psyched-up to go to Shaun's mum's to kill Philip]
Shaun: I gotta do a wee first.
Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this?
Ed: It's not the end of the world.
Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold.
Liz: I won't say anything.
[showing customers in the shop a TV set, sounding bored out of his mind, almost a zombie, in a droning voice]
Shaun: This one comes with a basic sort of digital package, uh, you got your Lifestyle Channels there, a bit of "Trisha," um, you got "Entertainment" - don't know what that is. News. All the basic, uh, news channels.
Shaun: Well maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
Liz: Oh maybe you should do me, I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
[Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then himself, to see how it feels]
Shaun: You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same night.
Liz: [pauses] What makes you think I'd have taken you back?
Shaun: Well... You don't want to die single do you?
Ed: [interrupting] That's it. I would like to be shot.
Shaun: Besides, I've changed. I haven't had a fag since yesterday, I promise!
Ed: He hasn't!
[David discovers that the zombies have somehow made it into the bar. Shaun, Ed and Liz are still beating the barman]
Shaun: Why is Queen still playing?
David: Ah, we have a situation here.
Shaun: I KNOW!
David: For a hero, you're quite a hypocrite!
[Shaun nervously addresses the rest of the electronics store staff]
Shaun: Now, as well as, er, Mr. Sloane being off today, I'm afraid Ash is, er, feeling a little bit, erm, under the weather. So I will be taking charge as the, erm...
Shaun: ...senior staff member.
[David points a gun at Shaun's mother Barbara]
Shaun: Don't point that gun at my mum!
Ed: Don't point that gun at Barbara!
[Ed is driving Philip's Jaguar very fast, dodging other cars as he tries to escape the zombies]
Philip: [pompously] You *do* realise this is a 20 mph zone?
Ed: [grinning] Oh yeah!
Barbara: Hello Pickle! It's me, mum. Dad said he saw you in town today and mentioned that you might be visiting tomorrow, which would be lovely. Will you be bringing Elizabeth with you this time? Only we can't wait to meet her finally and also um... I was wondering if she wanted anything special for lunch. Cause these days a lot of people don't eat meat.
Ed: [Directing Shaun on where to shoot] There!
Ed: Three o'clock!
Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve.
David: Eleven forty-five!
Shaun: Keep it simple!
Ed: Top left!