Without a Paddle (2004)
Del Knox: I spent the best years of my life sittin' on the porch, playin' the harmonica, waitin' for somethin' better. And the years have been goin' by faster, and faster, and then, all of a sudden, I was an old man.
Tom Marshall: Well I bet you can play the shit outta that harmonica!
Del Knox: That I can. 'Cept there's no one around to hear me play it. Piece of advice: you can lose your money. You can spend it - all of it. Maybe work hard, get it all back. But if you waste your time, you're never gonna get it back.
Jerry Conlaine: Well I was a boyscout. Tom, you were a boyscout, weren't you?
Tom Marshall: No, but I ate a brownie once.
Dan Mott: The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...
Jerry Conlaine: I, for one, choose death.
Jerry Conlaine: I christen this, Duke the second!
[smashes beer bottle on canoe]
River Guide: Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.
Dan Mott: This trip is officially over! This is finished! Let's just go home.
Tom Marshall: I agree. That is a great idea. All we've got to do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone... he liked us, I remember. And he'll send out a rescue boat. And... hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.
Dan Mott: [doing his best c3p0 voice] We are in serious trouble my friends. All data points to us being... how do you human's say it? Completely screwed.
Dan Mott: yeah. You know, that is... that's a good way to say it. That pretty much sums it up.
Dan Mott: [doing his best c3p0 voice] As expected, Tom is... drunk.
[Billy's French speaking girlfriend rubs herself on his casket]
Dan Mott: Billy's dead and he still has a better chance of getting laid than I do.
Tom Marshall: Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood? Jer, is that you?
[Jerry waves, embarrassed]
Tom Marshall: Are you with Dan? Where'd you guys park?
Jerry Conlaine: TOM!
Jerry Conlaine: Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. That was... higher than this...
Dan Mott: But I never *did* jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking!
Jerry Conlaine: Oh yea...
[Jerry pushes Dan off the Treehouse]
Jerry Conlaine: Come back to bed, you guys. I'm freezing.
Tom Marshall: Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!
Dan Mott: What are you doing?
Jerry Conlaine: Taking off my shoes
Dan Mott: Why?
Jerry Conlaine: Because I run faster with no shoes
Dan Mott: You can't out-run that bear!
Jerry Conlaine: I dont have to out-run the bear, I just have to out-run you!
Jerry Conlaine: [laying in the boat, after rapid riding] I about shit. Did you about shit?
Tom Marshall: I about shit.
Dan Mott: I did shit.
Jerry Conlaine: Oh shit!
Dan Mott: What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit?
Dan Mott: [while falling off the waterfall]
[all together shout]
Dan Mott: Oh, shit!
Dan Mott: I bet you a hundred grand and my left nut that all you catch in that river is a cold.
Tom Marshall: [after catching a fish] You owe me a hundred grand AND the left nut!
Jerry Conlaine: But you could've left! Why'd you stay up here all these years?
Del Knox: Seemed like a good idea at the time. Know what I mean, kid?
Jerry Conlaine: Yeah, I do.
Del Knox: Have you ever spent 30 years in a cabin?
Jerry Conlaine: ...No.
Del Knox: Well, then you don't know what I mean!
Jerry Conlaine: I mean, metaphorically, I know what you mean.
Del Knox: Metaphorically, have you ever spent 30 years in a cabin?
Jerry Conlaine: Uh - no.
Del Knox: Well then think before you talk!
Dan Mott: [as Flower is lovingly attending to him] I'm very good at giving a back massage... so if you wanna roll down those stockings I could give you one.
Dan Mott: Uh, leg warmers?
Flower: [shows Dan one of her very hairy legs] I'm all natural.
Dan Mott: Supernatural.
Dan Mott: I'm out.
Jerry Conlaine: What does that mean?
Tom Marshall: I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.
Dan Mott: [after Tom had offered to distract Dennis and Elwood instead of Jerry] Give 'em hell, Tommy
Tom Marshall: [about to rapple down the tree] This Hellmart's open for business, and I'm slashing prices.
Dan Mott: Hey, that sounds like Creed.
Tom Marshall: I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.
Jerry Conlaine: When we get out of this someone's buying a round of drinks, not it.
Tom Marshall: Not it.
Dan Mott: Is there beer in heaven?
Jerry Conlaine: I was thinking more the bar in town.
Denise: Can you please be serious for 5 minutes?
Jerry Conlaine: My record is 4 but I think I can do it.
Dennis: [hearing "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" being sung from beneath] The hills have gone gay.
[after finding the guys while singing "Do you Really Want to Hurt Me"]
Del Knox: Whatever it is you guy are looking for, you gotta go out there and get it right now.
[Tom, Jerry, and Dan get up to leave despite the rain]
Del Knox: Not right now you idiots.
River Guide: So... are you a class... 4,5?
Tom Marshall: Yeah? Yeah? Why don't you try to put those numbers together. Yeah. I shot a class 45, and haven't lost a man yet.
River Guide: Lie to me! I don't care. I'm not the one who's going to drown.
Elwood: How you like me now? Huh? How you like me now, fishie? Oh, yeah, that's right you can't talk - cause you don't have a head!
Del Knox: Come with me, or I'll shoot your testicles off and stuff 'em and mount 'em on my mantlepiece.
Tom Marshall: That's gonna be an ugly mantlepiece.
Jerry Conlaine: So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire...
Dan Mott: What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?
Tom Marshall: No... but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.
Tom Marshall: It was like her eyes were trying to escape her head
Dan Mott: Jerry, didn't you see that the river split on the map?
Jerry Conlaine: I would have if your friend the big-ass bear hadn't eaten it!
Tom Marshall: So you're saying you lost the map? You don't have it?
Jerry Conlaine: No, I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it while my ass was free-falling over a 100 foot waterfall
Tom Marshall: So you don't have it?
Tom Marshall: We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.
Jerry Conlaine: Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.
Dan Mott: Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?
Tom Marshall: [whilst high on marijuana, in a Pakistani accent] I will give you four cows for Denise's hand in marriage!
Dan Mott: Are you running immigrants over the boarder again, coyote?
Tom Marshall: Those guys fell asleep in my truck! I thought I'd just gotten shit-faced and bought a bunch of sombreros. I didn't know there were dudes underneath.
Dan Mott: This is exactly what you hear about when people go into the deep woods in the middle of the summertime! Aside from getting all sorts of diseases and things, they just wind up being the victims of some kind of unexpected man-rape!
Del Knox: Remember, carry your friends wherever you go.
Dan Mott: Close to your heart.
Del Knox: Or on your back. I got D.B's bones in my satchel. Thought I'd give 'em a proper burial. I spent 30 years waiting to have a life!
Dan Mott: [the three boys are wearing only their boxers at night, after losing their clothes] You know, things are as bad as they could possibly get.
[starts raining hard, Jerry and Tom look up at the rain]
Dan Mott: I stand corrected!
Del Knox: You boys better get dressed faster 'cause I been up here alone for almost 30 years now.
Dan Mott: I have responsibilities and... I am a doctor now! I AM DOCTOR MOTT NOW!
Dan Mott: Hey guys look! A wild deer! All out in the open like that!
Tom Marshall: [as a bear sniffs around Dan] Stay calm. Get in the fetal position. It won't bother you if you're in the fetal position.
[the bear roars]
Tom Marshall: Abort the fetal position! It's not working!
Jerry Conlaine: Wait a second. Tom, were you really employee of the month?
Tom Marshall: No! I lied about that too!
Tom Marshall: [urging dan to climb through a hole] Come on Dan, your the only one small enough to get through.
Jerry Conlaine: That's what she said.
River Guide: There's a transmitter in the canoe. So just in case you three go missing, at least we'll get our boat back.
Jerry Conlaine: No worries, no responsibilities, just living in the moment.
Dan Mott: It crawled straight in my stomach!
Jerry Conlaine: Come on, let's go
Dan Mott: I think it laid its eggs in my stomach!
Jerry Conlaine: You're a lot smarter than him. Right Dan?
Dan Mott: Well, I wouldn't say a lot smarter.
Dan Mott: You guys are spraying me.
Tom Marshall: Give me a break. I'm writing your name.
Dan Mott: Stop it!
Jerry Conlaine: You guys, check out this map. It looks like Billy left us a treasure map.
Denise: I won't do it! I won't play the role of nagging girlfriend anymore.
Jerry Conlaine: Would nagging wife make you happier?
Denise: ...Please tell me that was not you proposing to me.
Jerry Conlaine: [canoing through rapids] Tom, it's getting big!
Tom Marshall: No problem.
Jerry Conlaine: Like, really big!
Tom Marshall: I'm in over my head!
Jerry Conlaine: What?
Tom Marshall: I'm in over my head!
Jerry Conlaine: Don't tell me that!
Dan Mott: I wouldn't be so jealous of me if I were you. Every day I develop some new and exciting phobia.
Jerry Conlaine: You're exaggerating again.
Dan Mott: I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry.
Jerry Conlaine: So? There's a lot of people that are afraid of the dark.
Dan Mott: I'm afraid of small spaces.
Jerry Conlaine: Again, not that abnormal.
Dan Mott: Cellophane.
Tom Marshall: Like Saran Wrap?
Jerry Conlaine: Yeah, you're alone on that one.
Dan Mott: I won't even keep it in the house anymore, because I'm afraid that somehow it'll get draped over my head and stick to my mouth and nose and I'll suffocate. How pathetic is that?
Tom Marshall: Very.
Flower: My name is Flower.
Butterfly: You may call me Butterfly.
Flower: And if you're from the logging company you'll have to speak to our lawyers!
Tom Marshall: [whispers to Jerry] If you look to your left you can totally see their downstairs.
Jerry Conlaine: [calling] Uh, we're not, we're not from the logging company.
Jerry Conlaine: How do you guys get supplies?
Flower: When we need supplies, we radio the Earthchild Support Network.
Jerry Conlaine: [encouraged] Radio? You guys have a *radio*?
Butterfly: Yeah. We haven't used it since that last big thunderstorm. Remember that Flower?
Flower: [smiling] Oh my god. That thunderstorm was *so* spiritual. Earthchild's limbs were waving and heaving back and forth like she was dancing to the rhythm of the thunder. It was like, BAM! BAM! BAM! Full on... fanatric... orgasm.
Jerry Conlaine: So where is this radio?
Dan Mott: Tree had an orgasm?
[Butterfly gets up and excitedly holds Flower's hands]
Flower: [excited] We danced naked in the storm all night!
Butterfly: [excited] And then held each other soaking wet until the morning. The rain is like a drug, it just makes you wanna...
Dan Mott: What? Makes you wanna what?
[Butterfly and Flower look at each other and giggle]
[Denise carries a cardboard box into her house as the answer machine comes on]
Jerry Conlaine: [on the answer machine] Hi, this is Jerry, and I can't come to the phone right now because I am busy trying to convince the love of my life to give me another chance. And I will prove to her that I grew up just enough to know that I want the responsibility day in and day out of being there for her in this relationship which I am hoping will someday become marriage, kids and an *unbelievably* happy life together.
[Denise starts to smile as she hears the message]
Jerry Conlaine: [hangs up] Hi honey.
[Jerry gets down on one knee and proposes to Denise, who accepts his proposal. Jerry stands up and embraces her]
Dan Mott: [lying in a bed] So happy right now.
[the camera pans out, revealing Flower lying next to Dan]
Flower: [lovingly] That was really... really beautiful.
[Dan smiles and Flower moves closer and kisses him]
Flower: [lovingly holding Dan] Hmmm will you get the light hon'?
Dan Mott: Oh... yeah.
[Dan turns the light off using his foot]
Flower: [kindly] You're so good at that now.