Michael: Truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor.
Steve: No, forget the truck. That place is fucked, man. Bloodbath city.
Kenneth: How do you know?
Norma: We just came from there.
Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?
Steve: Or dead-ish.
Kenneth: [more firm tone] Is everyone there dead?
Steve: Yeah, in the sense that they all, sort of, fell down, and then... got up and... started eating each other.
Michael: There's no point in arguing about this. We need a solution. We need to get some food over there.
Steve: Okay. I have an idea. We draw straws and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.
Ana: Could you be a bigger prick?
Steve: I think so. But, you know, that's irrelevant. My question to you is, what's your plan?
[his last line]
CJ: Fucking figures!
Steve: It's nice to see that you've all bonded through this disaster.
Televangelist: Hell is overflowing. And Satan is sending his dead to us. Why? Because you have sex out of wedlock. You kill unborn children. You have man-on-man relations. Same-sex marriage. How do you think your god will judge you? Well, friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.
Confused Reporter: Hi. I'm Bill Vibert with 23V Cable News. I'm at one of the collection depots waiting on an interview with Sheriff Cahill.
[to the county sheriff]
Confused Reporter: I understand you're having a difficult time killing these things.
The County Sheriff: [cutting him off] Just shoot them in the head! They seem to go down permanently when you shoot them in the head. Then you gotta burn them.
Bart: Look, he's a twitcher.
[C.J. and Terry watch the twitching zombified security guard]
Bart: TV says you gotta shoot them in the head.
Terry: TV said a lot of things that aren't true.
CJ: Well, fuck the fucker. I told him not go to downstairs.
[C.J. shoots the zombified security guard in head]
Andy: [Kenneth is about to leave the mall, when he spots Andy on the roof, holding his sign] INFO?
Kenneth: [writing back] Fort Pastor GONE. No help coming.
Andy: [writing back] So what's the BAD news?
CJ: [after everyone enters an elevator to escape the zombies] I like this song.
Steve: [playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] Oh, oh. Rosie O'Donnell. Tell him to get Rosie.
Kenneth: Oh, yeah. Rosie.
Tucker: No, too easy. Give him something hard.
Ana: You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?
Steve: Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.
Ana: [nods] Oh, yeah, you can count on that.
Andre: [Deleted scene/Unrated Version scene]
Andre: Hey, my man. You know, I hear you talking a lot. You know, you're always saying something. Who the fuck are you that we should listen, huh? What are you, like, in Special Ops? You in the Marines? What the fuck do you do?
Michael: I sell televisions at Best Buy.
Andre: [to Kenneth] Wow.
Andre: Hey, Officer, how you like following a guy that sells TVs?
Kenneth: About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone.
Kenneth: Fuck y'all!
Ana: The bleeding's not gonna stop on its own. I need to stich his arm.
CJ: What are you, a fucking doctor?
Ana: No, I'm a fucking nurse.
CJ: [locking others into store for the night] I don't want anybody sneaking around and stealing shit.
CJ: Comprende? Sweet dreams.
CJ: [to Bart] Hey, dumbass. It's the timers. It's 8:00.
CJ: [to Terry]
CJ: Terry. Go shut them off.
Terry: It's Bart's turn.
Bart: You're the trainee, man. Shit rolls downhill.
CJ: America always sorts its shit out.
CJ: Fucking nursery school.
CJ: [waving a gun at fellow survivors] I'll kill each and every one of you to stay alive. You hear me?
CJ: Excuse me, not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me see if I grasp this concept, okay? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store where we watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy-movie, jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit? Then we're going to drive across the ruined city through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals. All so we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?
[Points to Steve]
CJ: Head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist?
Tucker: Pretty much, yeah.
Ana: [nods her head]
Steve: [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"]
CJ: Okay. I'm in.
Andy: [only on the DVD extra "The Lost Tape: Andy's Terrifying Last Days Revealed"] They say that those things are dead. I know that's a bunch of BULLSHIT!
Bart: Terry, come on, man. Open the door.
Terry: [Distracted by watching Nicole on the security monitors] Shut up.
Bart: Come on, man. Don't tell me to shut up. Just come open the door. I got you this job. Come on.
Michael: I want you to see this.
[shows how the chainsaw goes through the truck walls]
Michael: When those things are on the side of the bus, this'll get them off. Cool, huh?
Ana: Wow. That might be the most romantic thing anyone's ever shown me.
Michael: I'm trying here.
Bart: Wanna hear something that really sucks? You guys know that chick at Dairy Queen?
CJ: The fat one?
Bart: Yeah. She was coming over tonight. I would have tapped that shit for sure.
Terry: Bart, dude, everybody's dead, okay? Your mom's dead. Your brother's dead. That fat chick at Dairy Queen? Dead!
Bart: Yeah. That sucks, too.
Michael: [to Norma on her rescue] Well done.
Steve: Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me... when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?
Kenneth: You know how to use that?
Michael: [pointing to the gun barrel] This is the dangerous end, right?
Kenneth: [Taking the safety off] Now it is.
Andre: Shatterproof, asshole.
Terry: I wish somebody was working Hallowed Grounds.
CJ: How hard is it to make a cup of coffee?
Terry: I wanted a soy mocha latte with foam.
Steve: Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Why does he stay here while I go on the suicide mission to rescue Terry's already-dead girlfriend?
Terry: Fuck you, man!
Michael: We don't know that.
CJ: You know what, asshole? Either way we gotta get over there and get the guns to get out of this parking lot, all right?
Ana: I don't wanna die here.
Ana: Frank, Michael's coming to shoot you.
Andre: It's a girl!
Michael: Officer, sir, you do not want to go that way.
Ana: Why? What's that way?
Michael: It's pretty bad.
Andre: It's hell.
Kenneth: What about Fort Pastor?
Andre: Maybe if you had wings. The road's thick with those motherfuckers that way.
Kenneth: How do you know?
Andre: We just tried.
Michael: Back when there was eight of us. We're going to the mall.
Michael: Those things are down there!
CJ: Well, these are all your problems, not mine.
Kenneth: If I put my foot up your ass, would that be your problem?
CJ: [to Kenneth] You can take your ass over to the Quality Inn if it's still there, Shaq!
Luda: [referring to her unborn child] I want Russian name.
The County Sheriff: We gotta burn... Danny! Danny! Put another round in that woman over there! Look, she's a twitcher.
[to the reporter]
The County Sheriff: I keep telling my men to shot those things in the head. Head... dead. Anyplace else, those things just twitch. Boy, we sure got a lot of them today. What's troubling is that I know some of these people were putting down. What can you do? It's got to be done.
Steve: I run a tight ship.
[Ana is talking to Tucker at Hallowed Grounds and then looks over at Steve, who is pouring himself a cup of coffee]
Ana: Well, it's nice to see you busting your ass today.
Steve: Oh, that's sarcasm. That is awesome.
Steve: Yeah, you know, I would love to help, but a captain never works alongside his men.
[Dangles his keys in front of Ana and Tucker and then whips them, making a cracking sound as he does so]
Steve: You guys, have a good one.
Ana: What a total dick.
Nicole: [C.J. is on the roof of Andy's Gun Works with a sniper rifle preparing to shoot a propane tank]
[in the store with Kenneth, Michael and Terry]
Nicole: How will we know if he hits it?
[there's a huge explosion]
Steve: I have an idea. While we're at it, why don't we drop by the marina, hop in my boat and take it for a pleasure cruise, you jackasses!
Ana: Wait, that's a good idea. There's islands out there. There's not many people on them.
Steve: I was kidding.
Ana: [everyone has run to the roof to watch the BP truck racing around the mall parking lot] What are we gonna do about that truck?
CJ: We're not gonna do anything about that truck!
Ana: There's people in there!
CJ: Yeah, and how do you know they're not all fucked up like everybody else out there?
Ana: Well, for one thing, they're driving a truck.
[gunshots coming from truck]
Ana: Oh, and shooting guns.
Norma: [after the shoot-out] Son of a bitch shot me...
Bart: [watching TV] "Twitcher"? Now that is one cool motherfucker.
Terry: [Deleted scene/Unrated Version scene]
[covers the corpses on the floor]
Terry: Somebody should say something.
Ana: You worked in a church.
Glen: I played the organ.
CJ: Come on, man. You must've heard the priest say something about life and death.
Glen: It was a job. I don't believe in God. I don't see how anyone could.
Kenneth: You sure you wanna do this?
Michael: Yeah. I think I'll just stay here awhile. Enjoy the sunrise.
Monica: You've got to drive faster, man!
Michael: I know which job I was the worst at. Being a husband.
Monica: That's not a job.
Tucker: It sure is.
Monica: You guys just haven't met the right girl.
Monica: Thank God, I couldn't stay in that fucking truck anymore.
Tucker: [counting ammo] We have 12 of these shotgun shells, 26 of these pussy nine mils, and 16 of those .357 Magnums.
Frank: You want... every... single second.
Terry: [as Nicole is dragged into the other truck] Hey, wait... Nicole!
Terry: [CJ is threatening to kill the group] He is a cop, CJ.
Luda: Excuse me, please? Is there a restroom?
CJ: No. You're staying here.
Andre: So then why don't you tell us which spot in here you'd like us to take a piss?
Ana: [Locked in a store, calling to Terry, who is across the hall] Hey! Hey!
[Gets Terry's attention, he walks over]
Ana: The bathroom in here is fake; it doesn't work.
Terry: I'll tell CJ.
Ana: I'm telling you!
Kenneth: Oh, I get it. You saw hell yesterday. Now you're scared of going to hell for all the bad things you've done. I'll tell you what. Go in the stall, say five Hail Marys, wipe your ass, and you and God can call it even.
Terry: [about the people in the truck] You can't just turn them away, CJ, you'll kill them!
CJ: Tough shit. Self-defense.
Terry: I'm not killing anybody!
CJ: [Points his gun at Terry] You know what? I'll kill you!
Michael: Help should be along soon.
Steve: Did you hear that from the same jackass who told us to go to St. Verbena?
Michael: The church downtown?
Steve: Yeah, some dipshit on the radio said it was safe there... He was wrong!
Ana: Well, Michael, what are you waiting for? Go ahead, kill him. Hey, kill Tucker, too!
Tucker: Wait a minute. I was never bit!
Ana: We can't be sure. Do it, Michael!
Andre: Where's the lemon stuff?
Monica: It's gone. Steve likes to put it in his booze. Try the vanilla stuff.
Michael: [Everyone is sitting down to dinner] Before that I worked in a stationary store. And I drove a snowplow. Fixed copiers.
Steve: God, it's such a shame that this whole "end of the world" thing's holding you back.
Michael: You come with me, or you go back in that cell.
CJ: All right. I ain't going anywhere without a gun.
Michael: [Breaks a glass case holding a fire ax, throws it to CJ] Have at them, cowboy!
Bart: [In the parking garage] What the fuck was that? I just saw something.
CJ: You didn't see shit, Bart. Shut the fuck up.
Bart: Oh, shit. Here it comes.
[a dog turns the corner]
Bart: Jesus Christ! It's a fucking dog.
Michael: [to dog] Come here, boy. Well, at least you know nothing's down here. It would've eaten him.
Bart: See? I told you I saw something!
Kenneth: Nothing to say. Been to a lot of funerals. Folded the flag and given it to a lot of wives, and fathers, and kids. I told them how sorry I was. But that's not what I was really feeling. In the back of my mind, I was always saying, "Better them than me." But I don't believe that now. Because now I realize there are some things worse than death, and one of them is sitting here waiting to die.
Steve: [Waiting by the trucks, sees everybody running to them] Hey, what the hell happened to you guys?
Michael: Give me the keys!
Ana: [Running past] Prick!
CJ: [Pushes Steve] I'll deal with you later, motherfucker!