Quotes

Michael: So what's the plan?

CJ: The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.

[his last line]

CJ: Fucking figures!

Televangelist: Hell is overflowing. And Satan is sending his dead to us. Why? Because you have sex out of wedlock. You kill unborn children. You have man-on-man relations. Same-sex marriage. How do you think your god will judge you? Well, friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.

Bart: Look, he's a twitcher.

[C.J. and Terry watch the twitching zombified security guard]

Bart: TV says you gotta shoot them in the head.

Terry: TV said a lot of things that aren't true.

CJ: Well, fuck the fucker. I told him not go to downstairs.

[C.J. shoots the zombified security guard in head]

CJ: [after everyone enters an elevator to escape the zombies] I like this song.

Andre: [Deleted scene/Unrated Version scene]

[to Michael]

Andre: Hey, my man. You know, I hear you talking a lot. You know, you're always saying something. Who the fuck are you that we should listen, huh? What are you, like, in Special Ops? You in the Marines? What the fuck do you do?

Michael: I sell televisions at Best Buy.

Andre: [to Kenneth] Wow.

[chuckling]

Andre: Hey, Officer, how you like following a guy that sells TVs?

Kenneth: About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone.

Ana: The bleeding's not gonna stop on its own. I need to stich his arm.

CJ: What are you, a fucking doctor?

Ana: No, I'm a fucking nurse.

CJ: [to Bart] Hey, dumbass. It's the timers. It's 8:00.

CJ: [to Terry]

CJ: Terry. Go shut them off.

Terry: It's Bart's turn.

Bart: You're the trainee, man. Shit rolls downhill.

[repeated line]

CJ: Fucking nursery school.

CJ: Excuse me, not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me see if I grasp this concept, okay? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store where we watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy-movie, jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit? Then we're going to drive across the ruined city through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals. All so we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?

[Points to Steve]

CJ: Head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist?

Kenneth: Yeah.

Tucker: Pretty much, yeah.

Ana: [nods her head]

Michael: Yeah.

Steve: [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"]

CJ: Okay. I'm in.

Bart: Terry, come on, man. Open the door.

Terry: [Distracted by watching Nicole on the security monitors] Shut up.

Bart: Come on, man. Don't tell me to shut up. Just come open the door. I got you this job. Come on.

Bart: Wanna hear something that really sucks? You guys know that chick at Dairy Queen?

CJ: The fat one?

Bart: Yeah. She was coming over tonight. I would have tapped that shit for sure.

Terry: Bart, dude, everybody's dead, okay? Your mom's dead. Your brother's dead. That fat chick at Dairy Queen? Dead!

Bart: Yeah. That sucks, too.

Michael: You coming with us?

Kenneth: Nah, you're coming with me. I've done this before.

Kenneth: [pointing a gun at Ana] Say something.

Ana: Please...

Terry: I wish somebody was working Hallowed Grounds.

CJ: How hard is it to make a cup of coffee?

Terry: I wanted a soy mocha latte with foam.

Bart: Faggot.

Steve: Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Why does he stay here while I go on the suicide mission to rescue Terry's already-dead girlfriend?

Terry: Fuck you, man!

Michael: We don't know that.

CJ: You know what, asshole? Either way we gotta get over there and get the guns to get out of this parking lot, all right?

Ana: Frank, Michael's coming to shoot you.

Michael: Officer, sir, you do not want to go that way.

Ana: Why? What's that way?

Michael: It's pretty bad.

Andre: It's hell.

Kenneth: What about Fort Pastor?

Andre: Maybe if you had wings. The road's thick with those motherfuckers that way.

Kenneth: How do you know?

Andre: We just tried.

Michael: Back when there was eight of us. We're going to the mall.

CJ: [to Kenneth] You can take your ass over to the Quality Inn if it's still there, Shaq!

The County Sheriff: We gotta burn... Danny! Danny! Put another round in that woman over there! Look, she's a twitcher.

[to the reporter]

The County Sheriff: I keep telling my men to shot those things in the head. Head... dead. Anyplace else, those things just twitch. Boy, we sure got a lot of them today. What's troubling is that I know some of these people were putting down. What can you do? It's got to be done.

[Ana is talking to Tucker at Hallowed Grounds and then looks over at Steve, who is pouring himself a cup of coffee]

Ana: Well, it's nice to see you busting your ass today.

Steve: Oh, that's sarcasm. That is awesome.

[Forced Laugh]

Steve: Yeah, you know, I would love to help, but a captain never works alongside his men.

[Dangles his keys in front of Ana and Tucker and then whips them, making a cracking sound as he does so]

Steve: You guys, have a good one.

[He leaves]

Ana: What a total dick.

Steve: I have an idea. While we're at it, why don't we drop by the marina, hop in my boat and take it for a pleasure cruise, you jackasses!

Ana: Wait, that's a good idea. There's islands out there. There's not many people on them.

Steve: I was kidding.

Norma: [after the shoot-out] Son of a bitch shot me...

Nicole: Chips, come here. Come on, Chips!

Monica: [mocking] Come on, Chips.

Kenneth: You sure you wanna do this?

Michael: Yeah. I think I'll just stay here awhile. Enjoy the sunrise.

Michael: I know which job I was the worst at. Being a husband.

Monica: That's not a job.

Tucker: It sure is.

Monica: You guys just haven't met the right girl.

Tucker: [counting ammo] We have 12 of these shotgun shells, 26 of these pussy nine mils, and 16 of those .357 Magnums.

Terry: [as Nicole is dragged into the other truck] Hey, wait... Nicole!

Bart: What's the news?

CJ: Bad.

Luda: Excuse me, please? Is there a restroom?

CJ: No. You're staying here.

Andre: So then why don't you tell us which spot in here you'd like us to take a piss?

Kenneth: Oh, I get it. You saw hell yesterday. Now you're scared of going to hell for all the bad things you've done. I'll tell you what. Go in the stall, say five Hail Marys, wipe your ass, and you and God can call it even.

Michael: Help should be along soon.

Steve: Did you hear that from the same jackass who told us to go to St. Verbena?

Michael: The church downtown?

Steve: Yeah, some dipshit on the radio said it was safe there... He was wrong!

Andre: Where's the lemon stuff?

Monica: It's gone. Steve likes to put it in his booze. Try the vanilla stuff.

Ana: Michael, you can't do this, what if I'm wrong?

Michael: You've seen it happen before!

Bart: [In the parking garage] What the fuck was that? I just saw something.

CJ: You didn't see shit, Bart. Shut the fuck up.

Bart: Oh, shit. Here it comes.

[a dog turns the corner]

Bart: Jesus Christ! It's a fucking dog.

Michael: [to dog] Come here, boy. Well, at least you know nothing's down here. It would've eaten him.

Bart: See? I told you I saw something!

Steve: [Waiting by the trucks, sees everybody running to them] Hey, what the hell happened to you guys?

Michael: Give me the keys!

Ana: [Running past] Prick!

CJ: [Pushes Steve] I'll deal with you later, motherfucker!