Employee of the Month (2004)
Jack: [after hearing David was fired] Tell that fuckstick boss of yours to take tomorrow's work day and shove it up his dick!
David Walsh: I don't even know what that means.
Jack: He'll know what it means!
David Walsh: If America is the great melting pot, then L.A. public transportation is the gooey shit baked on the bottom.
David Walsh: I've never been one to judge a book by its cover. Unless, of course, the cover of the book reads: "The Guy Sitting Next To Me Just Shit Himself".
Jack: The... the engagement party! How come you didn't invite me?
David Walsh: I didn't think you'd come.
Jack: I wouldn't have.
David Walsh: Then why are you here?
Jack: 'Cause you didn't invite me.
David Walsh: If I knew you're not going to come, why would I bother sending an invitation?
Jack: Look, there's a reason why I'm your oldest friend in the world.
David Walsh: I can't seem to remember what it is right now.
Jack: I tell the truth.
David Walsh: You know this review process, it's... you have. I bet it's illegal. I could sue you.
Mr. Gartin: Go ahead. You'll lose, because the best lawyer wins, and mine are the best. They're Ivy League assholes, and they'd wrap a lamp cord around a new born baby's neck rather than lose to a schmuck like you. And I got deep pockets and all the time in the world, and I never lose, ask anyone who's tried me. Ask my old man. By the time I'm done with you, you'd be in some alley giving blowjobs to cab drivers for pocket change to get a cup of coffee, because you're a loser, and that's what happens to losers. You're fired. Period. Deal with it.
David Walsh: [pulling a gun on Mr. Gartin] Tell me the world is a fair place.
Mr. Gartin: It's not, and try to remember that while your ass bleeds as you're being passed from nigger to wop in the showers at San Quinton.
David Walsh: I just hope that my review shows that I've been slacking off, and this way I should be fired. That way, when I snap and threaten to kill the old fucker, I'll have a good reason. I'm just kidding.
Mr. Gartin: My grandfather built this bank on sweat and steel, not bullshit and nepotism. He put the bank first, and so I do too. Now, today is Thursday, consider Friday your last day. You're fired.
David Walsh: That means no bonus, no benefits?
Mr. Gartin: No shit! I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I'm not.
Kyle: What's the matter, sunshine? Step in some shit?
David Walsh: You're an asshole, Kyle.
Kyle: Ya think?
David Walsh: How do you sleep at night?
Kyle: Usually naked. On one of the newer, younger employees.
David Walsh: Oh. That explains the smile on Bob's face. Go easy on him, he's just a janitor.
Whisper: [after Jack hires her to sleep with David, but David prefers to just talk with her] Do you want a blowjob or something?
David Walsh: No, I'm good. Thanks.
Whisper: Do you wanna fuck?
David Walsh: You know, that's really sweet, but, uh... I don't think it's a good idea.
Whisper: You can jerk off on my tits if you want.
David Walsh: You know, as much as I'd love to, I think I'm gonna pass.
[stops to open a beer]
David Walsh: Whisper, do you have a boyfriend?
David Walsh: What would you do if he was having sex with another girl?
Whisper: Play with her tits?
Jack: Betting money on terminal cases? Even Manson would call bullshit on this freak show! Get out of here! God!
Dorff: Free country! Love it or leave it!
Jack: They don't deserve the steam off your piss!
David Walsh: Are you smoking crack?
Jack: No, not... not right now.
[in the sauna]
Jack: You ever watch figure skating, man?
David Walsh: Please don't talk. I've got a lot on my mind.
Jack: I'm not into the sushi, but Michelle Kwan...
David Walsh: What are you doing? Can we just sit here and not talk? Can we do that? Let's just try and do that.
Jack: ...I'd suck sake out of her ass in front of my grandmother.
David Walsh: Jack, you know Eric's gay.
Jack: Ya, he's here, he's queer, I'm used to it. I have no problems with queers.
Eric: Well, the community is going to be so thrilled to hear that, Jack.
Jack: I mean it! I mean, sucking dick, when chicks do it, I not only applaud, I want to watch it. I got, I got three-hour pornos with nothing but wall-to-wall ball to jaw. But when I think about chowing down on some other guys' wrinkled Mr. Lincoln...
[makes a face and tries to contain his laughter]
Eric: Jack, are you a cartoon character? I mean, does someone come to your house every morning and draw you on an easel?
Eric: Jack, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Jack: Uh... Six.
Eric: Oh, so close. It was "Go fuck yourself!"
David Walsh: You just gave a dead woman's bracelet to an eighteen year old stripper, who's gonna fuck you in the parking lot, while you snort crank off a hunting knife.
Jack: Your point is?
David Walsh: Every day some faceless knob walks out in front of a bus and buys it. They call it fate, God's will. That particular John Doe spent his whole life eating his peas, studying his algebra, saving for his 401K, blah blah blah... All that to wind up a brown stain on a 10 ton city bus, to be remembered as the poor schmuck that got hit by a bus. God kills true believers and kind souls everyday, and gets a free pass from the entire world. All because people think his murder and mayhem is part of some divine plan. Well, fuck that. I've got a divine plan and it's just as good as God's. Nobody has a first clue why God wastes people. But today everyone is gonna know why I did.