Alistair Hennessey: Is this my espresso machine? Wh-what is-h-how did you get my espresso machine?
Bill Ubell: Well... uh... we fuckin' stole it, man.
Steve Zissou: Son of a bitch, I'm sick of these dolphins.
Steve Zissou: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome.
[a woman asks a question about the shark Zissou is hunting]
Festival Director: [translating] That's an endangered species at most. What would be the scientific purpose of killing it?
Steve Zissou: Revenge.
Steve Zissou: Don't point that gun at him, he's an unpaid intern.
Steve Zissou: Oh, shit! Swamp leeches. Everybody, check for swamp leeches, and pull them off... Nobody else got hit? I'm the only one? What's the deal?
Steve Zissou: We'll split into two groups. I'll take Ned, Ogata, and Wolodarsky.
Klaus Daimler: [pouting] Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me.
[Steve bursts to the surface from an underwater dive, shouting hysterically]
Klaus Daimler: Steve!
Steve Zissou: Vikram, is that thing rolling?
Klaus Daimler: Where's Esteban?
[Written text of what Steve is shouting rolls onto the screen as he speaks]
Steve Zissou: Encounter with highly abnormal shark-like fish! Ten meters in length! Irregular markings! I tagged it dorsally with a homing dart!
Steve Zissou: Esteban was eaten!
Klaus Daimler: Is he dead?
Steve Zissou: Esteban was eaten! Check the scanning monitor before it dives too deep!
Klaus Daimler: He was bitten?
Steve Zissou: Eaten!
Klaus Daimler: [shocked] He was swallowed whole?
Steve Zissou: No! *Chewed*!
Klaus Daimler: [to the camera] He's got hydrogen psychosis, the crazy-eye!
[camera zooms in on Steve's face - his eyes are dilated ridiculously large]
Klaus Daimler: Steve! They say you've got crazy-eye!
[to the camera]
Klaus Daimler: Get him out of the fucking water!
Steve Zissou: [shouting] Check the scanning monitor!
Klaus Daimler: Steve!
[Klaus jumps into the water to get Steve, still wearing all of his normal clothes and not bothering to take his shoes off]
Steve Zissou: [shouting] Esteban! Esteban! Esteban!
Ned Plimpton: I've never seen so many electric jellyfish in all my life!
Steve Zissou: Wolodarsky, go get the keys to that fishing boat, and throw them in the water. No, wait. They might have another set. Just blow it up.
Alistair Hennessey: We've never made great husbands, have we? Of course, I have a good excuse. I'm part gay.
Ned Plimpton: Why didn't you ever try to contact me?
Steve Zissou: Because I hate fathers, and I never wanted to be one.
Steve Zissou: I'm going to find it and I'm going to destroy it. I don't know how yet. Possibly with dynamite.
Eleanor Zissou: Your cat's dead.
Steve Zissou: What? Which one?
Eleanor Zissou: Marmalade. I'm sorry.
Steve Zissou: What happened?
Eleanor Zissou: A rattlesnake bit it in the throat.
Steve Zissou: [pause] Goddammit, Elanor, why do have to say it like that? You couldn't try to break it a little bit nicer?
[Hennessey is playing poker with Filipinos who have kidnapped him and Zissou bursts into the room accidentally]
Alistair Hennessey: Steven, are you rescuing me?
Alistair Hennessey: Fold.
[a pirate quickly shoots Hennessey in the chest, knocking him backwards in his chair and down to the floor - large gunfight begins]
Oseary Drakoulias: The wire transfer came straight through from Kentucky, and the bank has agreed to gap-finance the rest. But there are a few hooks on it, so take a pew for a spell. Number One, the bank want a drug screen for everybody on the boat, before they'll forward the money.
Steve Zissou: A piss test?
Oseary Drakoulias: Yes, a piss test. Two, a stooge from the bond company will be riding along during the whole shoot, to keep you on budget.
Steve Zissou: Who's the stooge?
Oseary Drakoulias: A chap by the name of Bill Ubell, and there's not a damn thing you can do about that, Steve. Three, you must swear - legally swear - that you will not kill that shark, or whatever it is, if it actually exists.
Steve Zissou: I'm going to fight it, but I'll let it live. What about my dynamite?
Oseary Drakoulias: [to assistant] Phillip, dynamite.
Steve Zissou: We're in the middle of a lightning strike rescue op, Klaus. What's the deal?
Klaus Daimler: I'm sick of being on "B" squad.
Steve Zissou: You might be on "B" Squad, But you're the "B" Squad leader. Don't you know me and Esteban always thought of you as our baby brother?
Klaus Daimler: I've always thought of you two as my dads. Please don't let any one make fun of me for saying so.
Steve Zissou: I can't guarantee that, Klausie, but I'll try. Can we get on with the maneuvers now?
Steve Zissou: [pulling a gun on Jane Winslett-Richardson] Does this seem fake?
[Jane finds Steve in her room, reading her diary]
Jane Winslett-Richardson: I'm going to have to start locking my effing door.
Steve Zissou: It was locked, I kicked it in. Why don't you just curse like other people?
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Because I'm trying to get out of the habit before I have my fucking baby!
Steve Zissou: [talking about two men who were talking about him] People say that when someone says something like that, it's because they're jealous. But it still hurts. It hurts bad.
Ned Plimpton: That man was damn rude. He can go straight to hell.
Steve Zissou: Please don't make fun of me. I just wanted to flirt with you.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: May I turn this on?
Steve Zissou: [bites into an apple] Fire one.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: [Jane begins recording the interview] So what happened, in your opinion?
Steve Zissou: [swallows the bite] ... what're you talking about?
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Well, don't you think the public perception of your work has significantly altered in the last five years?
- That's your first question? I thought this was supposed to be a puff piece.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: ...should we come back to it?
Steve Zissou: ...yeah.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Okay... Is it true that this is going to be your last voyage?
Steve Zissou: Wow... no comment. Who told you that? No, goddamnit, I'm... only 52. How-how 'bout we start out with some stock dialogue? Favorite color, blue? Favorite food, sardines?
Jane Winslett-Richardson: How do you feel about part one of your new film?
Steve Zissou: Why? How do you feel about part one of my new film?
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Well, I'm honest. You know, so...
- Just say it!
Jane Winslett-Richardson: I thought aspects of it seemed slightly fake.
Steve Zissou: [pauses, obviously enraged] ... Wolodarsky?...
Vladimir Wolodarsky: [getting up to leave, gathering the cat] ... I'll take five, Steve.
Steve Zissou: ...how 'bout taking five?
[the door closes]
Steve Zissou: ... did it seem fake... when my best friend was bitten in half right in front of me? And eaten alive, screaming? I think you're a fake. I think you're a phony. And a bad reporter. How does that feel? And tell me something -
[Steve pulls out a glock and points it at her, cocking it]
Steve Zissou: Does this seem fake?
[He replaces the glock]
Jane Winslett-Richardson: ...how dare you! This entire article was my idea, no one else gives a shit!
Steve Zissou: What about Sy Perlman?
Jane Winslett-Richardson: [scoffs, and turns off the recorder] Are you joking? He's not even covering my expenses!
Steve Zissou: [pauses for a moment, realizing] You're taking something out on me.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: [turns off the recorder again, turns away and cries]
Steve Zissou: Wh? Stop crying, what's the deal here? I was only trying to defend myself.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Well, you did a great job! I'm sure you'll make a terrific father.
Ned Plimpton: You don't know me, you don't want to know me... I'm just a character in your stupid film.
Ned Plimpton: I'm gonna fight you, Steve.
[Steve hits Ned in the face]
Steve Zissou: You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.
Ned Plimpton: You fight your way, and I'll fight mine.
Steve Zissou: Oh, listen, Ned. Don't you try to...
[Ned hits Steve in the face]
Steve Zissou: I think your Team Zissou ring might've caught me on the lip.
Steve Zissou: Anne-Marie, do all the interns get Glocks?
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: No, they all share one.
Steve Zissou: Where'd you come from? You look pregnant.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: I am pregnant. I'm not even going to ask what you men are doing out here in your matching pajamas, by the way.
[during the rescue op, Steve sees a young Filipino boy sitting on the beach, roasting a crab on a spit. He raises his spear gun]
Bill Ubell: No, Captain! That's Cedric. He's a friend.
Steve Zissou: Merci, Cedric. Remind me, we'll send him a red cap and a Speedo.
Ned Plimpton: Stevesy, what's going on? Are those hijackers?
Steve Zissou: Well, out here we call them "pirates," Ned.
Alistair Hennessey: [about the pirates' three-legged dog, who is whining] Uh, what's your dog's name?
Steve Zissou: [thinks a moment] Cody.
[Alistair rolls up a newspaper, and hits the dog with it]
Alistair Hennessey: Be still, Cody.
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: Do you know that you just charted us on a course through unprotected waters?
Steve Zissou: Yeah, we're taking the shortcut.
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: But it's outside I.M.U. jurisdiction. There isn't any protection.
Steve Zissou: I know, honey. Look at the map. We go your way, that's about four inches. We go my way, it's an inch and a half. You wanna pay for the extra gas?
Steve Zissou: Supposedly Cousteau and his cronies invented the idea of putting walkie-talkies into the helmet. But we made ours with a special rabbit ear on the top so we could pipe in some music.
Antonia Cook: You must be so excited.
Steve Zissou: I hope so. You think it went OK?
Antonia Cook: No. Congratulations... Seriously.
Steve Zissou: Thanks. I wish it didn't require the "seriously," but thank you.
Steve Zissou: Are you sure?
Klaus Daimler: Yes, I am.
Steve Zissou: I don't understand. Why?
Klaus Daimler: What do you mean?... Wait a second. What are we doing? You said cross the line if.
Steve Zissou: Cross the line if you're going to quit.
Klaus Daimler: Oh... Do it again. I misunderstood.
Eleanor Zissou: Oh, Shit. What do you want?
Steve Zissou: Do you mind if I butter you up a little before I answer that question?
Eleanor Zissou: Yes, I do. Tell me now.
Steve Zissou: [takes a deep breath] I need some money to get the boat out of hock and rescue my bond company stooge who got kidnapped. Could we ask your parents to loan it to me?
Eleanor Zissou: No.
Steve Zissou: Okay. Could I go ahead and butter you up anyway? It took me two and a half hours to get out here.
Steve Zissou: I hope you're not gonna bust our chops on this on, Bill.
Bill Ubell: Why would I do that?
Steve Zissou: Because you're a bond company stooge.
Bill Ubell: [scoffs] I'm also a human being.
Steve Zissou: All right, I take that back. How about a little teamsmanship?
[he holds out his hand flat. Bill and Ned put theirs on top of his]
Jane Winslett-Richardson: [fearing the Jaguar Shark might attack them in their sub] Are we-are we safe in here?
Steve Zissou: I doubt it.
[Vikram is filming Steve next to a screen with the homing dart signal indicating the location of the Jaguar Shark]
Steve Zissou: Okay, action.
[points to the dot]
Steve Zissou: Well, look who's back in town. You've traveled over 150 miles since we last heard from you. This son of a bitch is heading for the South Pacific.
[Jane enters the room]
Steve Zissou: Turn on your tape recorder, cubbie.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Is it the Jaguar Shark?
Steve Zissou: On the record, yes. Cut. Print both takes, Vikram.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Was I... just in the film?
Steve Zissou: Yeah. You're gonna have to sign a release.
Steve Zissou: If you're not against me, don't cross this line! If yes, do.
Alistair Hennessey: You're the most ravishing creature that I've ever seen in my life.
Eleanor Zissou: Hello Skinny.
Alistair Hennessey: Hello Eleanor.
Eleanor Zissou: Is that a new merit badge?
Alistair Hennessey: Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact it is. I just became a Knight in Portugal, the Presidente gave a special ball...
Steve Zissou: Don't be nice to Ali, he's my nemesis.
[arriving at Alistair Hennessey's underwater sea-lab]
Ned Plimpton: Who locked us out?
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: No-one, we're trespassing.
Ned Plimpton: Steve, are we allowed in here?
Steve Zissou: It's a scientific community, man.
[on the lightning-strike rescue op, Team Zissou looks at the ruin of Hotel Citroën]
Steve Zissou: What a waste. They had a bartender here, Kino, made the best rum cannonball I've ever tasted.
Alistair Hennessey: They made soup out of my research turtles.
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: I think it's criminal that Steve allowed this to happen, by which I mean illegal. We're being led on an illegal suicide mission by a selfish maniac.
Klaus Daimler: I hear what you're saying, but I think you misjudge the guy.
Steve Zissou: Fuck! They wired it! Klaus, go downstairs and get me cable snippers.
Steve Zissou: If we don't handle this right, we're gonna all get murdered... including her unborn British child.
Steve Zissou: Go downstairs and throw a tarp over anything that says "Operation Henessey" on it.
Steve Zissou: [referring to the shark that ate his friend, Esteban] I wonder if it remembers me.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: I need to find a baby for this father.
Steve Zissou: Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
Steve Zissou: You really think it's cool for you to hit the sauce with a bun in the oven?
Steve Zissou: [to Ogata and Pele] What are you doing? Go to bed, you sons of bitches!
Steve Zissou: Can you hear the Jack Whales singing?
Ned Plimpton: [Tanker goes off] Beautiful. I wonder what they're saying.
Steve Zissou: Well actually that's a Sludge Tanker over there...
[Several whales sing]
Steve Zissou: There you go!
Steve Zissou: You're supposed to be my son, right?
Ned Plimpton: I don't know. But I did want meet you, just in case.
Steve Zissou: I'll fight it, but I won't kill it. Now, what about my dynamite?
Alistair Hennessey: How are things going with your - what are you calling it? Leopard fish?
Steve Zissou: Jaguar shark.
Alistair Hennessey: Jaguar shark! So tell me - does it really exist?
Steve Zissou: [hesitant] You know, Allie, I don't want to give away the ending.
Steve Zissou: We were pretty good while we lasted, weren't we?
Oseary Drakoulias: Oh, we were like glory's gate, my darling. We were like that bloody shark of yours, we swam with the... oh, damn it, I had it on the plane.
Steve Zissou: You know, I'd be jealous about you staying at Allie's place, except I always thought he was kind of a closet queer.
Steve Zissou: That pregnant slut is playing us like a cheap fiddle!
Ned Plimpton: [introducing himself] Captain Zissou my name is Ned Plimpton...
Steve Zissou: [congratulating him] OK, man.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: Are we - are we safe in here?
Steve Zissou: I doubt it.
Klaus Daimler: Do you still want to blow him up?
Steve Zissou: No, we're out of dynamite anyway.
Eleanor Zissou: It is beautiful Steve.
Steve Zissou: Yea, it's pretty good isn't it... I wonder if it remembers me...
Steve Zissou: Hey intern, get me a Campari.
Intern #1: On the rocks?
Steve Zissou: [gives him the "gun" thumbs up salute]
Klaus Daimler: So, you really think you're a Zissou.
Ned Plimpton: I don't know.
Klaus Daimler: Well, you traveled a long way for "I don't know," sonny.
Ned Plimpton: That's true. But it's important to me.
Klaus Daimler: Yeah? Well, there are a lot of things that are important to some people around here, sonny.
Ned Plimpton: Klaus, don't call me "sonny."
Klaus Daimler: And one more thing: It's the Steve Zissou show, not the Ned show.
[Klaus slaps Ned in the face]
Klaus Daimler: You hear me?
Ned Plimpton: Yes, I do.
[Klaus starts walking away]
Ned Plimpton: Klaus?
Klaus Daimler: Ja?
Ned Plimpton: If you ever touch me again, I will kick your goddamn teeth out. Is *that* understood?
Klaus Daimler: Not if I don't see you first, sonny.
[Steve opens the safe which contained Ned's inheritance money, but finds it to be empty, with a hole burned on the other side]
Steve Zissou: That's it. I'm retired.
Steve Zissou: I wanted to give you a heads-up on what I thought of the piece...
Jane Winslett-Richardson: You read it. What did you think?
Steve Zissou: Well, I was a little upset at first. I mean, obviously people are going to think I'm a showboat, and a little bit of a prick. But then I thought... that's me. I said those things, I did those things. I can live with that. You're a good writer, Jane.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: It's the effing cover.
Steve Zissou: Thatta girl.
Jane Winslett-Richardson: [about her baby] In twelve years, he'll be eleven and a half.
Steve Zissou: [pause] That was my favorite age.
Steve Zissou: This bull dyke's got something against us.
Ned Plimpton: I don't think she's a lesbian. She's pregnant.
Steve Zissou: Are you finding what you were looking for... out here with me? I hope so.
Steve Zissou: [smoking a joint and looks at Ned] You wanna kill this?
Steve Zissou: [overhears a few men talking about Steve's last movie] Are those assholes talking about me?
Steve Zissou: [introducing his 'son' Ned to Oseary Drakoulias only a few seconds after Steve himself met Ned] Oseary, this is probably my son Ned.
Festival Director: Ladies and gentlemen, we are very pleased to welcome you to the world premiere of Part 1 of the newest film from a great favorite of ours here at Loquasto, Mr. Steve Zissou. A brief Q & A will immediately follow the screening. Thank you.
Steve Zissou: [after pirates have boarded his ship, being bound and blindfolded]
[starts chewing through the rope binding his hands together]
Steve Zissou: Here we go.
Klaus Daimler: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve Zissou: [stands up and turns toward the nearest pirate] I said get your ass the hell off of my boat!
[after chasing the pirates away, Steve finds a three-legged dog on the deck]
Steve Zissou: Those fucking amateurs. You left your dog, you idiots!
Steve Zissou: We complete the adventure... but another member of our crew has been lost. This one was my son.
[pointing to "N" on the flag]
Steve Zissou: Also our equity partner... We start the voyage home in our wounded vessel.
[on a speaker-phone]
Oseary Drakoulias: I spoke with Larry Amin, and it's a pass.
Steve Zissou: In other words, you fucked us!
Oseary Drakoulias: Let's not cast stones at one another, my dear.
Oseary Drakoulias: Do you hear me, damn it? Do you?
Steve Zissou: No, I don't! I told you how to play it!
Oseary Drakoulias: Oh, bloody hell! You listen here, mate!
Ned Plimpton: Can I interrupt for a second?
Oseary Drakoulias: Who the blazes is that?
Ned Plimpton: It's me, Ned. Maybe this is nothing, maybe it's something. I don't know what your problems are, I don't know... but I just inherited $275,000. Would that amount make any difference?
Oseary Drakoulias: What sort of expression is the lad wearing on his face?
Bill Ubell: Captain, I am required by law to notify the bank of any illegal activities...
Steve Zissou: Just do what you gotta do to cover your ass, Bill.
[while robbing Alistair Hennessey's underwater sea-lab]
Vladimir Wolodarsky: Steve, one of the interns just fell down the stairs with the main tracking processor.
Steve Zissou: All right, just make sure we steal the backup.
[on a walkie-talkie during the rescue op]
Steve Zissou: Renzo! Renzo! Anybody? Hello, hello!
[tosses it to Wolodarsky]
Steve Zissou: This gizmo's out of juice.
[Wolodarsky listens to it for a second, then smashes it to the ground]
Steve Zissou: Thank you.
Steve Zissou: I've never seen a bond company stooge stick his neck out like that.
Steve Zissou: [refering to Hennessy] How could you lay that slick faggot?
Eleanor Zissou: Well, I was in love with him at the time...
Vladimir Wolodarsky: [talking about Jane] I like her hairdo.
Pelé dos Santos: Me too, but Steve called her first.
Oseary Drakoulias: Good lord. God protect that poor little stooge.
[On the phone, Oseary tells Steve that he has to flee the country]
Steve Zissou: Wait a second. They ripped off my film, my boat's broken, you're ditching me down the river... what am I supposed to do?
Oseary Drakoulias: Well, I must say, nothing's leaping to mind. Phillip, any ideas?
Oseary Drakoulias: No, he's shaking his head.
Oseary Drakoulias: By the way, who knocked up the journalist?
Steve Zissou: [Deadpan] I'm not sure...
Steve Zissou: I don't have a problem with objective reporting. What I have a problem with is some wombat... coming on my boat trying to railroad me.
Steve Zissou: [Pulls Ned Plimpton aside to speak with him in private] Ned, next time you have a brilliant idea, whisper it to me first. Otherwise I look sort of like a Day-Dream-Johnny, you know.
Alistair Hennessey: Is that one of mine? I think one of my research turtles survived.
Steve Zissou: I let you call me Stevesy, didn't I?
Ned Plimpton: Yeah, but it doesn't mean the same thing...
Steve Zissou: You know I'm not good at apologizing, so I'll just skip it if it's all the same to you.
Steve Zissou: Sorry about that. You caught me with one foot off the merry-go-round tonight.
Steve Zissou: Would you like to join my crew?
Ned Plimpton: Would I like to...
Steve Zissou: I want you, on Team Zissou.
Ned Plimpton: I don't think I can do that.
Steve Zissou: Why not?
Ned Plimpton: Well, it's not my field, I don't have the background for it.
Steve Zissou: No one here does. Klaus used to be a bus driver, Wolodarsky was a high school substitute teacher. We're a pack of strays, don't you get it?
Ned Plimpton: Steve I'm not even that strong a swimmer,
Ned Plimpton: the answer's yes.
Steve Zissou: Well it's got to be. I'll order you a red cap and a speedo.
Steve Zissou: Cut.
Eleanor Zissou: How are you feeling?
Steve Zissou: I'm right on the edge. I don't know what comes next.
Steve Zissou: [referring to his wife Eleanor] She's a rich bitch; she was raised by maids.
Steve Zissou: You know I'm not big on apologizing. So I'll just skip it if it's all the same to you.
Eleanor Zissou: Okay.
Steve Zissou: Anyway, I'm sorry.