Alfred Kinsey: Everybody's sin is nobody's sin, and everybody's crime is no crime at all.
Clyde Martin: Sex is a risky game, because if you're not careful, it will cut you wide open.
Clyde Martin: [re: sexuality chart] So what do you think you are now?
Alfred Kinsey: [nervously] Probably around a... 3
Clyde Martin: Have you ever done anything about it?
Alfred Kinsey: [shakes his head]
Clyde Martin: Would you like to?
Wardell Pomeroy: How old were you when you first engaged in sexual activity with a partner?
Research Subject: 14.
Wardell Pomeroy: How?
Research Subject: With horse.
Wardell Pomeroy: [pause] How often were you having intercourse with animals at age 14?
Research Subject: [stunned] It's true. I fucked a pony. You are genius, how did you know?
Wardell Pomeroy: You just said you had
Wardell Pomeroy: sex with horse.
Research Subject: Nooo... Whores, not horse, *whores*.
Reporter: Any plans on a Hollywood picture based on the book?
Alfred Kinsey: I can't think of anything more pointless.
Clyde Martin: You know what amazes me? There's no relation between how sexy a girl looks and her sex life. The ugly ones seem to get all the action.
Clara McMillen: I always thought ugly was an ugly word.
Thurman Rice: There's a cure for syphilis... and it's called abstinence.
Alfred Kinsey: Penicillin works just as well!
Alfred Kinsey: When it comes to love, we are all in the dark.
Clyde Martin: Just one more question. You've just told me your entire history: childhood, family, career, every person you've ever had sex with. But there hasn't been a single mention of love.
Alfred Kinsey: That's because it's impossible to measure love. And, as you know, without measurements there can be no science. But I have been thinking a lot about the problem lately.
Clyde Martin: Mmh, "problem"?
Alfred Kinsey: When it comes to love, we're all in the dark.
Clyde Martin: So, you do think it matters?
Alfred Kinsey: Love is the answer, isn't it? But, sex raises a lot of very interesting questions...
Clyde Martin: When did you first begin masturbating?
Old Woman: I INVENTED it, son.
Alfred Kinsey: [Kinsey is teaching his first class] Who can tell me which part of the human body can enlarge a hundred times. You, miss?
Female Student: [indignantly] I'm sure I don't know. And you've no right to ask me such a question in a mixed class.
Alfred Kinsey: [amused] I was referring to the pupil in your eye, young lady.
Alfred Kinsey: And I think I should tell you, you're in for a terrible disappointment.
Final Interview Subject: [to Kinsey about her lesbianism] After I read your book I realized how many other women were in the same situation. I mustered the courage to talk to my friend and she told me, to my suprise, that the feelings were mutual.
Effete Man in Gay Bar: [referring to Kinsey] Mary here says he's from the University of Indiana and she'd like to interview me about my "sex history".
Effete Man's Friend: Tell him to stick around and watch.
Clyde Martin: You know, this thing between Prok and me was fine for a while, but I guess I just really miss sleeping with women.
Alfred Kinsey: That's perfectly understandable. It's clear from your history you have a greater sexual interest in women than men.
Clyde Martin: Good. Then you wont mind if I ask Mac to have sex with me. Only if it appeals to you, of course.
Clara McMillen: Would it be separately or together?
Clyde Martin: Oh, no, definitely just you and I.
Clara McMillen: I think I might like that. What do you think, Prok?
Alfred Kinsey: The doctors say my heart sounds like a cement mixer.
Clyde Martin: At least they found one.
Alfred Kinsey: Mac, did I ever tell you about the Mbeere?
Clara McMillen: No, not that I recall.
Alfred Kinsey: They're an ancient East African tribe. They believe that trees are imperfect men... eternally bemoaning their imprisonment. The roots that keep them stuck in one place. But I've never seen a discontented tree. Look at this one! The way its roots are gripping the ground. I believe it really loves it.