Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Lt. Aldo Raine: My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well, I speak the most Italian, so I'll be your escort. Donowitz speaks the second most, so he'll be your Italian cameraman. Omar speaks third most, so he'll be Donny's assistant.
Pfc. Omar Ulmer: I don't speak Italian.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Like I said, third best. Just keep your fuckin' mouth shut. In fact, why don't you start practicing, right now!
Major Dieter Hellstrom: [in German] I must say, I grow weary of these monkeyshines.
[Maj. Hellstrom cocks his Walther pistol and aims it at Lt. Hicox under the table]
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Walther. Pointed right at your testicles.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles?
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Because you've just given yourself away, Captain. You're no more German than that scotch.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Well, Major...
Bridget von Hammersmark: Major...
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Shut up, slut! You were saying?
Lt. Archie Hicox: I was saying that that makes two of us. I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down.
[Stiglitz takes Hellstrom by the shoulder and aggressively forces a gun against his crotch]
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: That makes three of us. And at this range, I'm a real Frederick Zoller.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here.
Lt. Archie Hicox: What's going to happen, Major... you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. I'm afraid you and I... we both know, Captain... no matter what happens to anybody else in this room... the two of us aren't going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad.
Lt. Archie Hicox: [In English] Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: [In English] By all means, Captain.
Lt. Archie Hicox: [picks up his glass of scotch] There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily...
[drinks his scotch]
Lt. Archie Hicox: I must say, damn good stuff, Sir.
[sets his glass down and coolly smokes his cigarette]
Lt. Archie Hicox: Now, about this pickle... we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only thing left for you to do.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: And what would that be?
Lt. Archie Hicox: Stiglitz...
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Say "Auf Wiedersehen" to your Nazi balls!
[Stiglitz fires his gun into Hellstrom's crotch]
Lt. Aldo Raine: [Drawing a map] Up the road apiece, there's an orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol fuckin' around there somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a goddamn sniper's delight. Now, if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this here map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kinda artillery they're carrying with 'em.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well, now Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: [puts his hand over his heart] I respectfully refuse, sir.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [a smack is heard offscreen] Hear that?
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: Yes.
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's Sgt. Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname: "The Bear Jew". Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: I've heard of the Bear Jew.
Lt. Aldo Raine: What d'you hear?
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: He beats German soldiers with a club.
Lt. Aldo Raine: He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat is what he does. Now, Werner, I'm gonna ask you one last goddamn time, if you still respectfully refuse, I'm callin' the Bear Jew over. He's gonna take that big bat of his, and he's gonna beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your wiener schnitzel lickin' finger and point out on this map what I want to know.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: [after brief pause] Fuck you... and your Jew dogs!
[the Basterds all laugh]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to here you say that. Quite frankly, watchin' Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to goin' to the movies. Donny!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [from offscreen] Yeah?
Lt. Aldo Raine: We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!
Lt. Aldo Raine: You didn't say the goddamn rendezvous was in a fuckin' basement.
Lt. Archie Hicox: I didn't know.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You said it was in a tavern.
Lt. Archie Hicox: It is a tavern.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, in a basement. You know, fightin' in a basement offers a lot of difficulties. Number one being, you're fightin' in a basement!
Lt. Aldo Raine: I'm gonna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'.
Col. Hans Landa: The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can think like a Jew, where they can only think like a German... more precisely, German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The Führer and Goebbels's propaganda have said pretty much the same thing, but where our conclusions differ is I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility?
Perrier LaPadite: I suppose I would.
Col. Hans Landa: Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel towards them?
Perrier LaPadite: Rats spread diseases. They bite people.
Col. Hans Landa: Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree?
Perrier LaPadite: Oui.
Col. Hans Landa: Yet I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you?
Perrier LaPadite: No.
Col. Hans Landa: But they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they?
Perrier LaPadite: It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel.
Col. Hans Landa: Ha! However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now, as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?
Perrier LaPadite: Probably not.
Col. Hans Landa: I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them; all you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide. But there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [Aldo shoots Hans' driver Hermann, and gives Utivich a knife] Scalp Hermann.
Col. Hans Landa: Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man's life!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, they made that deal, but they don't give a fuck about him. They need you.
Col. Hans Landa: You'll be shot for this!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.
Col. Hans Landa: [giddy] Oooh, that's a bingo! Is that the way you say it? "That's a bingo?"
Lt. Aldo Raine: You just say "bingo."
Col. Hans Landa: Bingo! How fun! But, I digress. Where were we?
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: Teddy fuckin' Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park on its feet for Teddy fuckin' Ballgame! He went yardo on that one, out to fuckin' Lansdowne Street!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Y'know... Utivich 'n myself heard that deal you made with the brass. "End the war tonight"?... I'd make that deal. How 'bout you Utivich, you make that deal?
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: [busy scalping Hermann] I'd make that deal.
Lt. Aldo Raine: I don't blame ya! Damn good deal! And that purty little nest you feathered for yourself. Well, if you're willing to barbecue the whole high command, I 'spose that's worth certain considerations. But I do have one question. When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island, I 'magine you're gonna take off that handsome-lookin' S.S. uniform of yours, ain'tcha?... That's what I thought. Now that I can't abide. How 'bout you Utivich, can you abide it?
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: [finishes scalping Hermann] Not one damn bit, sir.
Lt. Aldo Raine: I mean, if I had my way... you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-suckin' life. But I'm aware that ain't practical, I mean at some point you're gonna hafta take it off. So. I'm 'onna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.
[cut to Landa screaming and crying as Raine carves a swastika into his forehead]
Lt. Aldo Raine: [smirks widely] You know somethin', Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece!
[Raine and Utvich grin sardonically as the credits roll]
Lt. Aldo Raine: [very bad Italian accent] Arriverderci.
[Raine is interrogating Rachtman and poitning out all of his men]
Lt. Aldo Raine: And another one over there, you might be familiar with: Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz. Heard of 'em?
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: Everybody in the German army's heard of Hugo Stiglitz.
[Some of the Basterds laugh, and the camera focuses on Stiglitz; the scene freezes and the words "Hugo Stiglitz" appear on the screen]
Narrator: [voice-over] The reason for Hugo Stiglitz's celebrity among German soldiers is simple. As a German enlisted man, he killed thirteen Gestapo officers.
[Stiglitz is seen strangling one officer with a cord; stabbing another multiple times in the head through a pillow; and asphyxiating one with his bare hands]
Narrator: [voice-over] Instead of putting him up against a wall, the High Command decided to send him back to Berlin, to be made an example of.
[cuts to Stiglitz locked in a cell]
Narrator: Needless to say, once the Basterds heard of him, he never got there.
[One of Raine's men slits a guard's throat; the other Basterds quickly open fire and kill the other guards, then Raine approaches Stiglitz's cell]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz?
Lt. Aldo Raine: Lt. Aldo Raine. These are the Basterds, ever heard of us?
[Stiglitz nods again]
Lt. Aldo Raine: We just wanted to say we're a big fan of your work. When it comes to killing Nazis...
[one of the guards stirs and groans, and is promptly shot dead on the spot]
Lt. Aldo Raine: ... I think you show great talent. And I pride myself on having an eye for that kind of talent. But your status as a Nazi killer is still amateur. We all come here to see if you wanna go pro.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [Aldo is carving a swastika into Private Butz's forehead] You know, Lieutenant, you're getting pretty good at that.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You know how you get to Carnegie Hall, don't ya? Practice.
Bridget von Hammersmark: I know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language besides English?
Fredrick Zoller: [shouting to the camera, acting in Nation's Pride] Who wants to send a message to Germany?
[Nation's Pride is interrupted by Shosanna's movie]
Shosanna Dreyfus: I have a message for Germany.
[Hitler and Goebbels watch in shock]
Shosanna Dreyfus: [her image on the screen smirks] That you are all going to die.
Adolf Hitler: [yelling in German] Enough! Stop it!
Joseph Goebbels: [yelling in German] Turn off the projector!
Shosanna Dreyfus: And I want you to look deep into the face of the Jew that is going to do it!
Joseph Goebbels: [in German as the audience begins to shout in protest and anger] I don't know what's going on! That does not belong in my movie!
Shosanna Dreyfus: [her image on the screen smiles] Marcel... burn it down.
Marcel: [standing behind the screen, he smiles] Oui, Shosanna.
Marcel: [in French; subtitled] What the fuck are we supposed to do?
Shosanna Dreyfus: [in French] It looks like we're supposed to have a Nazi premiere.
Marcel: Like I said, what the fuck are we supposed to do?
Col. Hans Landa: [to Aldo] So you're "Aldo the Apache".
Lt. Aldo Raine: So you're "the Jew Hunter".
Col. Hans Landa: A detective. A damn good dectective. Finding people is my specialty so naturally I work for the Nazis finding people, and yes some of them were Jews. But "Jew Hunter"?
Col. Hans Landa: [reacts in disgust] It's just a name that stuck.
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: Well, you do have to admit, it is catchy.
Col. Hans Landa: Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you? "Aldo the Apache" and "the Little Man"?
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: [confused] What do you mean "the Little Man"?
Col. Hans Landa: Germans' nickname for you.
Pfc. Smithson Utivich: The Germans' nickname for me is "the Little Man"?
Col. Hans Landa: And as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest.
Col. Hans Landa: [to Perrier LaPardite] I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.
Col. Hans Landa: [in German] So who are your three handsome escorts?
Bridget von Hammersmark: [in German] I'm afraid neither three speak a word of German. They're friends of mine from Italy. This is the wonderful Italian stuntman, Enzo Gorlomi; a very talented cameraman, Antonio Margheriti; and Antonio's camera assistant, Dominick Decocco.
Bridget von Hammersmark: [in Italian] Gentlemen, this is an old friend, Colonel Hans Landa of the SS.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [in Italian with obvious southern accent] Buongiorno.
Col. Hans Landa: [in flawless Italian] Gentlemen, it's a pleasure; the friends of our cherished star, admired by all of us, this outright jewel of our culture, are naturally going to be under my personal protection for the duration of their stay.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [after a pause] Grazie.
Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian] Gorlomi? Am I pronouncing it correctly?
Lt. Aldo Raine: [in a very bad accent] Sì... er, corretto.
Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian] Gorla... lomi? Say it for me once please?
Lt. Aldo Raine: [mispronouncing the name] Gorlami.
Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian, faking confusion] I'm sorry, again?
Lt. Aldo Raine: [slightly annoyed] Gorlami.
Col. Hans Landa: [in Italian] Once more?
Lt. Aldo Raine: [obviously annoyed, leans forward and whispers] Gorlami.
Shosanna Dreyfus: My name is Shosanna Dreyfus and THIS is the face... of Jewish vengeance!
Major Dieter Hellstrom: [Hellstrom is trying to guess the famous person on his forehead, which is King Kong]
Major Dieter Hellstrom: [in German; subtitled] I'll start, give you the idea. Am I German?
Bridget von Hammersmark: Am I American?
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki: Wait a minute, he goes to...
Bridget von Hammersmark: Obviously, he wasn't born in America.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: So, I visited America, aye?
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Was this visit fortuitous?
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki: Not for you.
Bridget von Hammersmark: There have been two recent developments regarding Operation Kino. One, the venue has been changed from the Ritz to a much smaller venue.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Enormous changes at the last minute? That's not very Germatic. Why the hell is Goebbels doin' stuff so damn peculiar?
Bridget von Hammersmark: It probably has something to do with the second development.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Which is?
Bridget von Hammersmark: [sits up] The Führer is attending the premiere.
Adolf Hitler: [cut to Hitler] I've been rethinking my position in regards to your Paris premiere of "Nation's Pride". As the weeks have gone on and the Americans are on the beach, I do find myself thinking more and more about this Private Zoller. This boy has done something tremendous for us. And I'm beginning to think my participation in this event could be meaningful.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [cut back to the Basterds] Fuck a duck!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [points to Iron Cross medal with his bat] You get that for killin' Jews?
Sgt. Werner Rachtman: [as-a-matter-of-factly] Bravery...
Col. Hans Landa: Tell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?
Lt. Aldo Raine: [after a long pause]
Lt. Aldo Raine: Nope!
Col. Hans Landa: What's that English saying about shoes and feet?
Lt. Aldo Raine: "Looks like the shoe's on the other foot." Yeah, I was just thinking that.
Master SGT. Wilhelm: [yelling while aiming his gun at the front entrance of the basement-tavern] Who are you? BRITISH, AMERICAN? WHAT?
Lt. Aldo Raine: [shouting from up the stairs] We're American! What're you?
Master SGT. Wilhelm: I'M A GERMAN, YOU IDIOT!
Lt. Aldo Raine: [calmly] You speak English pretty good for a German.
Master SGT. Wilhelm: I agree!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: Speaking of Frau von Hammersmark, whose idea was it for the death trap rendezvous?
Lt. Archie Hicox: She chose the spot.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: Well, isn't that just dandy!
Lt. Archie Hicox: Look, she's not a military strategist. She's just an actress.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well, you don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't want to fight in a basement!
Col. Hans Landa: Monsieur LaPadite, to both your family and your cows I say: Bravo.
Bridget von Hammersmark: I can see since you didn't see what happened inside, the Nazis being there must look odd.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, we got a word for that kinda odd in English. It's called suspicious.
Col. Hans Landa: May I smoke my pipe as well?
Perrier LaPadite: Please, Colonel, make yourself at home.
[Hans pulls out a very large pipe five times the size of Perrier's]
Col. Hans Landa: What a tremendously hostile world that a rat must endure. Yet not only does he survive, he thrives. Because our little foe has an instinct for survival and preservation second to none... And that, Monsieur, is what a Jew shares with a rat.
Kliest: [in German; subtitled] Mein Führer, do you still wish to see Private Butz?
Adolf Hitler: [in German] Who and what is a "Private Butz"?
Joseph Goebbels: [to Frederick] It seems I've created a monster. A strangely persuasive monster.
Adolf Hitler: [in German] NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!
[turns to his men]
Adolf Hitler: How much more of these Jew swine must I endure? They butcher my men like they were fish bait! I have heard the rumors myself! Soldiers of the Third Reich, who have brought the world to its knees, now pecking and clucking like chickens. Do you know the latest rumor they've conjured up in their fear-induced delirium? The one that beats my boys with a bat. The one they call "the Bear Jew" is a golem!
General Frank: [in German] Mein Führer, that is just soldier's gossip. No one really believes that the Bear Jew is a golem.
Adolf Hitler: Why not? They seem to elude capture like an apparition! They seem to be able to appear and disappear at will. You want to prove they're flesh and blood?
[pounds on table]
Adolf Hitler: THEN BRING THEM TO ME! I will hang them naked, by their heels from the Eiffel Tower! And then throw their bodies into the sewers for the rats of Paris to feast on!
Col. Hans Landa: [to a bound and blindfolded Lt. Aldo] You've had a nice long run, Aldo. Alas, you're now in the hands of the SS.
[raises hands in a dramatic manner]
Col. Hans Landa: My hands, to be exact. And they've been waiting a long time to touch you.
[fingers reach out and poke Lt. Aldo in the face; Lt. Aldo flinches]
Col. Hans Landa: [chuckling] Caught you flinching.
[Lt. Aldo headbutts Col. Landa]
Col. Hans Landa: I did have something else I wanted to ask you, but right now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. Oh, well, must not have been important. Till tonight.
[He leaves. Shosanna lets out an emotional sigh of relief and starts crying]
Lt. Archie Hicox: What should we drink to, sir?
General Ed Fenech: Down with Hitler!
Lt. Archie Hicox: All the way down, sir.
Lt. Aldo Raine: You know, where I'm from...
Col. Hans Landa: Yeah, where is that, exactly?
Lt. Aldo Raine: Maynardville, Tennessee.
Lt. Aldo Raine: I've done my share of bootlegging. Up 'ere, if you engage in what the federal government calls 'illegal activity,' but what we call 'just a man tryin' to make a livin' for his family sellin' moonshine liquor,' it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true... it ain't.
Col. Hans Landa: Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And 999 point 999 times out of a million, you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand.
[Landa slowly sweeps his arms out in a grand shrug]
Col. Hans Landa: What shall the history books read?
Joseph Goebbels: [in German; subtitled] How many seats in your auditorium?
Francesca Mondino: [translates into French]
Shosanna Dreyfus: [in French; subtitled] Three hundred and fifty.
Francesca Mondino: [translates into German]
Joseph Goebbels: That's almost four hundred less than the Ritz.
Fredrick Zoller: [in German] But Herr Goebbels, that's not such a bad thing. You said yourself you didn't want to indulge every two-faced French bourgeois taking up space currying favor. With less seats it makes the event more exclusive. You're not trying to fill the house, they're fighting for seats. Besides, to hell with the French. This is a German night, a German event, a German celebration. This night is for you, me, the German military, the High Command, their family and friends. The only people who should be allowed in the room are the people who will be moved by the exploits on the screen.
Joseph Goebbels: [after a pause] I see your public speaking has improved.
Col. Hans Landa: As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in their very seats we left for them, 0023 and 0024 if my memory serves, explosives still around their ankles, still ready to explode and your mission, what some would call a terrorist plot, as of this moment is still a go.
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's a pretty exciting story. What's next? "Eliza On The Ice"?
Col. Hans Landa: However... all I have to do is pick up this phone right here, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaputt.
Lt. Aldo Raine: If they're still there, and if they're still alive, and that's one big if, there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without settin' off them bombs.
Col. Hans Landa: I have no doubt. And yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night... but you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to win the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four... and if you get all four, you'll end the war... tonight.
[he opens a bottle of Chianti]
Col. Hans Landa: So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.
Adolf Hitler: Kliest!
Kliest: Ja, mein Führer?
Adolf Hitler: [in German; subtitled] I have an order I want relayed to all German soldiers stationed in France. The Jew degenerate known as the Bear Jew henceforth is never to be referred to as the Bear Jew again. Did you get that, Kliest?
Kliest: Ja, mein Führer.
Col. Hans Landa: [Landa and Bridget sit alone in Shosanna's office; in German] Let me see your foot.
Bridget von Hammersmark: [in German] I beg your pardon?
Col. Hans Landa: [he pats his lap] Put your foot in my lap.
Bridget von Hammersmark: Hans, you embarrass me.
[Landa intolerantly points at his lap. Bridget gives in and places her foot in Landa's lap. Landa gently removes her shoe]
Col. Hans Landa: Could you please reach into the right pocket of my coat and give me what you find in there?
[Bridget slowly reaches into Landa's pocket. Her hand closes around what's inside and she glances at Landa with a look of sudden terror]
Col. Hans Landa: [he simply smiles at Bridget and nods]
[Bridget slowly pulls out the shoe she lost in the tavern firefight from Landa's coat pocket]
Col. Hans Landa: May I?
[Bridget hands over the shoe, and Landa slips it neatly onto her foot, showing it fits perfectly]
Col. Hans Landa: Voila.
Col. Hans Landa: [In English] What's that American expression? "If the shoe fits, you must wear it."
Bridget von Hammersmark: [chuckles lightly and nervously] What now, Colonel?
[Landa aggressively grabs Bridget by the throat, throws her off the chair and violently strangles her to death]
Col. Hans Landa: Mir scheint, da fehlt jemand. Jemand fäschionäbles.
Col. Hans Landa: Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war, tonight;
[Landa lightly chops his hands down against the table]
Col. Hans Landa: ...we have to make a deal.
Lt. Aldo Raine: What kind of deal?
Col. Hans Landa: The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer. A general. I'm betting for... OSS would be my guess.
Fredrick Zoller: [to Shosanna] It's been a pleasure chatting with a fellow cinema lover.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [trying to speaking Italian in an attempt to fool Landa to keep up his cover as an Italian actor] Gwatzeeeeee. Gwatzeeee. Gwatzeeee.
Joseph Goebbels: [in German; subtitled] It's only the offspring of slaves that allows America to be competitive athletically. American Olympic gold can be measured in Negro sweat.
Col. Hans Landa: [in French; subtitled] Monsieur LaPadite, I regret to inform you I have exhausted the extent of my French. To continue to speak it so inadequately would only serve to embarrass me. However, I've been lead to believe that you speak English quite well.
Perrier LaPadite: Oui.
Col. Hans Landa: [in English] Well, it just so happens I do as well. This being your house, I ask your permission to switch back to English for the remainder of the conversation.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Lieutenant Archie Hicox reporting, Sir!
General Ed Fenech: General Ed Fenech. At ease, Hicox. Drink?
Lt. Archie Hicox: If you offered me a Scotch and plain water, I could drink Scotch and plain water.
General Ed Fenech: Attaboy, Lieutenant. Make it yourself like a good chap, will you? The bar's in the globe.
Lt. Archie Hicox: Something for yourself, Sir?
General Ed Fenech: Whiskey, straight. No junk in it.
Adolf Hitler: [in German, with subtitles] How did you survive this ordeal?
Pvt. Butz: They let me go.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [cut back to the ditch] Now, when you report what happened here, you can't tell 'em you told us what you told us. They'll shoot ya. But they're gonna wanna know why you so special, we let you live? So, tell 'em we let you live so you could spread the word through the ranks what's gonna happen to every Nazi we find.
Adolf Hitler: [cut back to Hitler's office] You are not to tell anybody anything! Not one word of detail! Your outfit was ambushed and you got away! Not one word more!
Pvt. Butz: Yes, mein fuhrer.
Adolf Hitler: Did they mark you like they did they did the other survivors?
Pvt. Butz: Yes, mein fuhrer.
Lt. Aldo Raine: [cut back to the ditch] Now, say we let you go, and say you survive the war. When you get back home, whatcha gonna do?
[Wicki translates to German]
Pvt. Butz: [in German] I will hug my mother like I've never hugged her before.
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki: [to Aldo] Says he's gonna hug his momma.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Well, ain't that a real nice boy? Are you going to take off your uniform?
Pvt. Butz: Not only shall I remove it, I intend to burn it.
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki: Says he's gonna burn it.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Yeah, that's what we thought. We don't like that. You see, we like our Nazis in uniform. That way we can spot 'em just like that. But you take off that uniform, ain't no one ever gonna know you were a Nazi. And that don't sit well with us. So, I'm gonna give you a little something you can't take off.
[cut back to Hitler's office. He moves closer to Butz as Butz removes his cap to show a large swastika-shaped scar on his forehead]
Shosanna Dreyfus: [to Fredrick] If you are so desperate for a French girlfriend, I suggest you try Vichy.
Francesca Mondino: [in French; subtitled] Emanuelle, did you enjoy "Lucky Kids"?
Shosanna Dreyfus: [in French] I rather liked Lillian Harvey.
Joseph Goebbels: [suddenly in German] Lillian Harvey! Never mention that name in my presence!
Marcel: [in French; subtitled] What are we talking about?
Shosanna Dreyfus: [in French] Filling the cinema with Nazis and burning it to the ground.
Marcel: I'm not talking about that. You're talking about that.
Joseph Goebbels: [in German] You have opera boxes?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Oui.
Joseph Goebbels: How many?
Shosanna Dreyfus: [in French] Two.
Joseph Goebbels: More would be better.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: After I kill that guy, you have 30 feet to get to that guy. Can you do it?
Pfc. Omar Ulmer: I have to.
Adolf Hitler: [at the premiere of "Nation's Pride"] Extraordinary, my dear. Simply extraordinary. This is your finest film yet.
Joseph Goebbels: [Goebbels' eyes fill with tears] Thank you, mein Führer. Thank you.
Shosanna Dreyfus: [in French; subtitled] I am going to burn down the cinema on Nazi night. And if I'm going to burn down the cinema, which I am, we both know you're not going to let me do it by myself. Because you love me. And I love you. And you're the only person on this earth I can trust. But that's not all we're going to do. Does the filmmaking equipment in the attic still work? I know the film camera does. How about the sound recorder?
Marcel: [in French] Quite well, actually. I recorded a new guitarist I met in a cafe last week. It works superb. Why do we need filmmaking equipment?
Shosanna Dreyfus: Because, Marcel, my sweet, we're going to make a film. Just for the Nazis.
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: [to Butz, after beating Rachtman to death with his Louisville Slugger] GET THE FUCK UP! You're on deck!
General Ed Fenech: [On the Germans attending the film premiere] We have all our rotten eggs in one basket. The objective of Operation Kino: blow up the basket.
Bridget von Hammersmark: I can vouch for everything the young captain has just said. He *does* hail from the bottom of Piz Palu. He *was* in the film, and his brother *is* far more handsome than he.
Marcel: [seeing Shosanna dressed up for the premiere] Ooh la la... Danielle Darrieux.
[Marcel is beating up a sound technician]
Shosanna Dreyfus: [brandishing an ax] Bring that fucker over here!
Lt. Aldo Raine: Before we yank that slug out you, you need to answer a few questions.
Bridget von Hammersmark: Few questions about what?
Lt. Aldo Raine: About I got three men dead back there. Why don't you try telling us what the fuck happened?
Bridget von Hammersmark: The British officer blew his German act and the Gestapo major saw it.
Lt. Aldo Raine: Before we get into who shot John, why'd you invite my men to a rendezvous in a basement with a bunch of Nazis?
Sgt. Donny Donowitz: We punch those goons out, take their machine guns, and burst in there blasting!