Bikini Bandits (2002) (V)

User Rating:

4.2/10   

Director:

Steve Grasse

Writers:

Peter Grasse (writer)
Steve Grasse (writer)

Release Date:

12 November 2002 (USA)

Genre:

Crime | Comedy

Plot:

The Bikini Bandits are sent to hell after their car goes off a cliff.

Plot Keywords:

Virgin Mary | Bikini | Satan | Pope | Time Travel

Cast

Maynard James Keenan	...	Satan
Dee Dee Ramone	...	The Pope
Jello Biafra	...	Evil Porn Director
Corey Feldman	...	Angel Gabriel / Himself
Gary the Retard
Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf	...	Mini Devil (as Hank the Angry Dwarf)
Peter Grasse	...	Retard / Amish Boy / Joseph
Larry McGearty	...	Dirty Larry
Bret Reilly	...	Retard / Various
Heather-Victoria Ray	...	Bandit
Heather McDonnell	...	Bandit
Betty San Luis	...	Bandit
Cynthia Diaz	...	Bandit
Robyn Bird	...	Virgin Mary
Clark O'Donnel	...	Officer Harry Nudzak (as Clark O'Donnell)

Also Known As:

Bikini Bandits Go to Hell (USA) (complete title)
The Bikini Bandits Experience (USA) (DVD title)

Runtime:

USA:60 min

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Why Maynard, Why?

"Choices always were a problem for you..."

Clever marketing of sub par product is nothing new; Maynard James Keenan of "Tool" and "A Perfect Circle" has lashed out at the trend thoughtfully in his sparse, coveted interviews. Bemoaning pre-packaged, promotional-machine bands that cater to a low intellect and "feed the masses", Keenan's aspirations to see the bar raised in the music industry are clear and admirable. Clearly the same rule-stick has not been applied to the business of making movies.

B-Movies have traditionally constructed their own cliché by screaming from the video shelves in high-gloss, tongue-in-cheek packaging. "Bikini Bandits" is no exception. Here we get a hot car, hot girl, and even a "Hot-Wheels" inspired logo. Extending the cliché, the front cover also idolatrizes its celebrity cast. Where else other than a B-Movie or a Robert Altman flick can you find such a cacophony of celebs? There's Dee-Dee Ramone, the self-aggrandizing Corey Feldman, and Mr. Keenan cajoling with the likes of "Hank the Angry Dwarf" and "Gary the Retard." The packaging alone nods for you to slide into your wading boots (waist-high preferably) before you even crack the seal on the DVD. Why, then, would someone demand more for their $15-20 dollars?

The answer, for this fan at least, lies in Mr. Keenan. Parading around this mess in red body-paint and outrageously over-endowed codpiece, Maynard is at once charismatic and painful to behold. A golden opportunity blown by the filmmakers intentionally skuzzy grandstanding. The man reeks of raw talent in the face of the films own unrelenting skank. Why the artist would choose this as his debut motion picture is as frustrating as coming to terms with losing money on the purchase of a DVD that points a finger, laughs, and says `told-ya-so!'

Viewing this atrocity makes you feel as if you were visually raped; no, correction: as if you were PLOWED by the films very own `Dirty Sanchez' (Yes, THAT Dirty Sanchez - and as much as I'd like recommending this film on the merit of bringing a disgusting office-cooler joke to life, I just can't.) One could speculate for hours what the filmmaker's original intentions were: was it just to `cash-in' on rock-stars appearing with the likes of hot cars, hot girls (with the acting ability of grade-schoolers) and the mentally disabled saying things like `Boobies!'?; or were they seeking to out-Ed Wood Ed Wood by making the worst piece-of-S ever laid out on screen? If the latter was their intention, they certainly had the tools, but not the talent. Just as good films require a skilled tightrope-walk; intentionally bad films require focused effort. This just looks like a bunch of ugly frat boys got together for a brainstorm session over a couple of 40s and came up with a killer way to hang with a gaggle of strippers all day toss in their rock icons to boot.

The greatest crime here is the wasted opportunity in the form of Maynard James Keenan. I know the guy covets his private life, and the idea of his image blown up on a silver screen would probably make him shudder; thus this role that obscures him under costume and makeup. It's a damn shame, however. The man possesses natural acting ability; its apparent in his roles as front man for his two powerhouse bands, and it comes through loud-and-clear on film. It would be ridiculously advantageous if this guy could take some downtime from his touring and recording schedule to do some obscure off-Broadway play under a surname or something; but we all know that once word leaked to the fan sites that such an `intimate' affair would be slaughtered. If only he could hook up with a filmmaker that could focus his talents into the right role (say David Fincher, perhaps?) then Mr. Keenan would be able to raise the bar in yet another decaying industry on the terms he respects: pure talent.