X-Play (2003– )
Morgan Webb: Hello and welcome to X-Play, the show that brings you merciless game reviews such as this one:
Adam Sessler: Splinter Cell for the Nintendo DS... still sucks!
Adam Sessler: [during the "Meet the Sess" segment] You like Xenosaga? What the fuck is your problem?
Morgan Webb: [talking about the game "Michael Jackson's Moonwalker" for the Sega Genesis] It is sort of ironic that he was rescuing small children from predatory men in it.
Adam Sessler: He's also rescuing them from ninjas!
Morgan Webb: I would really like to see a ninja molestation trial.
[slight pause, almost sheepishly]
Adam Sessler: Bet that would give a whole new meaning to the term "blow dart".
Morgan Webb: You're weird.
Adam Sessler: Hah!
announcer: Dude, where's the party at? 'Cause it ain't with Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb!
Adam Sessler: There's a party here!
Morgan Webb: Speak for yourself, Sessler.
Adam Sessler: [after having given "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Melee" a 1 out of 5] All right, in case you don't understand, don't buy this game! Don't rent this game! Simply insert it into the toilet and flush, and if the Blockbuster employees try and stop you... run.
Adam Sessler: And we have World War II, the game.
Adam Sessler: Again.
Morgan Webb: Yes, it's another damn World War II flying game. I wish I cared, but I don't!
Adam Sessler: But first, we start with World War II; oh, if I had a nickel for every time I said that, I could finally afford to buy myself a pony.
Morgan Webb: [excited] You like ponies too?
Adam Sessler: Yes!
Morgan Webb: We, uh, do a lot to endear ourselves to the Canadian viewers.
Adam Sessler: Wait, aren't you Canadian?
Morgan Webb: Only when it suits me.
Adam Sessler: And the PS3, I don't know how expensive *that's* gonna be, but I'll sell one of my kidneys if need be.
Morgan Webb: You still have healthy and functioning kidneys?
Adam Sessler: I didn't *say* healthy and functioning!
Morgan Webb: [after discussing the Naked Raiden segment of Metal Gear Solid 2] Welcome to my world, Sessler. Welcome to my *naked*, *cartwheeling* world.
Adam Sessler: Thanks for having me.
Morgan Webb: Bad music in games causes gamers a sharp, sudden pain not unlike a swift kick to the testicles... not that I'd know what that felt like.
Adam Sessler: [after the review of EA's Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects] Okay, now I have to bring this up; unlike Marvel vs. Capcom, which uses actual Capcom characters to fight Marvel icons, this game just made up some cheap-ass original characters. EA, if you want to make a fighting game, we wanna see some of your iconic characters! I wanna see John Madden stomp on Ironman's ass! I wanna see Wolverine finally attack The Sims! And I wanna see Frodo's furry little foot up Daredevil's ass!
Morgan Webb: And I wanna see Tiger Woods attack Spiderman just because I would find it funny.
Adam Sessler: That's not the point!
announcer: Three cheers for Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb!
Adam Sessler: Let's be honest. We only merit two cheers... out of three.
Morgan Webb: *Your* enemies will leave you with words of wisdom before they die.
Video Game Character: Women are... scary.
Morgan Webb: Charles Foster Kane, you are not.
Adam Sessler: [reviewing NBA Live 06 for the GameCube, PS2 and XBox] The player models are a bit funky. Okay, guys, here's what a real basketball player looks like.
Adam Sessler: And here's what they look like in NBA Live 06.
[buzzer sounds, pointing out a huge head on the player model]
Adam Sessler: They kinda remind me of those creepy marionettes from my nightmares.
Creepy marionette from Adam's nightmares: You belong to us now, Sessler!
Adam Sessler: [frightened] Ahh!
Creepy marionette from Adam's nightmares: [evil, menacing laugh]
Adam Sessler: Funny... you get caught wearing women's lingerie and biting a lady just once in your career and no-one ever forgets it.
Morgan Webb: Didn't you cross-dress in this show a couple of times?
Adam Sessler: I'm not ashamed.
Morgan Webb: [mouthing to the camera]
Adam Sessler: I am ashamed!
Morgan Webb: [after the Splat: Renegade Paintball review] For a game about non-lethal violence, it sure makes me want to kill the developers!
Morgan Webb: [after the 25 to Life review] Crunk-Exclamation-Mark-Exclamation-Mark energy drink sounds tasty.
Video Game Character: [Adam playing Lifeline; in the game, Rio is trying to shoot a monster] Isn't there a better target?
Adam Sessler: Yes, your head!
Morgan Webb: Yay, we're topical! We're addressing issues ripped from the headlines, just like Law & Order: SVU. And that's the kind of quality programming you can only get on G4.
Adam Sessler: And... Emmy-award-winning Fastlane.
Morgan Webb: I want an Emmy...
Adam Sessler: No dice!
Adam Sessler: You know, games like "Metroid Prime 2: Echoes" and "Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones" always make me wonder what Evil Adam is like.
Morgan Webb: He's probably a brunette.
Adam Sessler: And he'd probably have better bladder control. It's kinda hard to be evil when you're doin' the pee-pee dance.
Morgan Webb: I wonder what Good Morgan is like.
Adam Sessler: Probably a lot like Reese Witherspoon.
Morgan Webb: But deadlier!
Adam Sessler: [*after having given Asheron's Call: Throne of Destiny a 2 out of 5*] Ok, I know we're gonna get hate mail from the Asheron fans - both of you - but come on, the graphics in this game are *horrible*! This looks like something the PS1 threw up!
Morgan Webb: And when you have to downgrade in order to play this game, Houston... we have a problem.
Adam Sessler: This makes Zork look brilliantly entertaining, and visually stunning! I think it's time to stick a fork in this one - it's done.
Adam Sessler: [after Naturo: Ninja Council gets a 1 out of 5] You know, I ran for ninja council in the 10th grade and lost to an exchange student from Paraguay named Esmarelda.
Morgan Webb: Oh yes, Paraguay, the retirement destination of choice for all of your big-name former Nazis.
Adam Sessler: I always did suspect that she had fascist ties.
Morgan Webb: Yeah, they are good at maintaining a firm grasp on power.
Adam Sessler: No, I mean I always suspected her neckties were fascist. They had swastikas and caricatures of Jews on them.
Morgan Webb: Why was a 15-year-old girl wearing neckties to high school?
Adam Sessler: I always thought it was part of her culture.
Morgan Webb: When a country declares war on itself, everyone's a winner! Just like everyone was a winner when Blair co-hosted the show last week.
Adam Sessler: [*emotionally hurt*] You are so mean!
Morgan Webb: Awesome, yes.
Adam Sessler: [*growing agitated*] I've worked with you for so long, gaaah!
Roger the Stan Lee Experience: GET THE $&%@OUT OF MY OFFICE!
Morgan Webb: [while reviewing the Da Vinci Code game] Here's an anagram for you: THIS GAME SUCKS. When you unravel it, it becomes: THIS GAME SUCKS.
Morgan Webb: Delicious strawberry jam. That's right kids, people are made of jam.
Morgan Webb: We're all going to be sued
Adam Sessler: Adam, shut your face, nobody cares what you think Sessler.
Morgan Webb: Anal tounge darts; I don't know what that is, and i never want to know.
Adam Sessler: They didn't even spell "elephantitis of the balls" correctly.
Morgan Webb: How do you know how to spell it
Adam Sessler: Just go to a commercial now *NOW*
Morgan Webb: Poor fritz, you have no arms, you have no life, somewhere a rhyn maiden weeps of thee.
Morgan Webb: My wookiee likes to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time.
Adam Sessler: [while reviewing Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters] In the end, all it did was make me yell. And when I yell, children cry. So, by the transitive properties of association, if the PSP makes me yell, and when I yell, children cry, the PSP makes children cry. It's the corporal punishment of gaming consoles.
Morgan Webb: [while reviewing Final Fantasy VI Advance, she explains what they recall from other Final Fantasy games] All we remember about part 7 is Aeris dying and a whole lot of slash fanfiction starring Cloud and Sephiroth. All we remember about part 8 is awkward ballroom dancing. All we remember about part 9 is that Zidane looks like one of the Olsen twins... with a tail. All we remember about part 10 is how much we hated blitzball. And all we remember about part 11 is... Actually, we repressed all memories of part 11, it was an MMO.
Adam Sessler: [to a panel of Sony people] $600 for a console and Sony can't kick a $15 cable my way?