Blade: Trinity (2004)
Danica Talos: Enough! It's not funny anymore!
Hannibal King: No, it's not, you horse-humping bitch! But it will be a few seconds from now. See, that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now?
[Asher, Jarko, and Danica start coughing]
Hannibal King: That's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt!
[Jarko and Asher cough harder]
Hannibal King: Which means the fat lady should be singing, right... about... now!
[pause where nothing happens]
Hannibal King: Heh, this is awkward.
Hannibal King: Do you have a cell phone?
Blade: Now, what's behind Door Number One?
Chief Martin Vreede: I can't tell you. They-they'll kill me.
Blade: Kill you? Motherfucker, I'll kill you! I'll just enjoy it better.
Danica Talos: [licking one of Hannibal's wounds] You're tasting a little bland, lover. Are you getting enough fatty acids in your diet? Have you tried lake trout? Mackerel?
Hannibal King: How about you take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of my dick?
Danica Talos: And how about everyone here not saying the word "dick" anymore? It provokes my envy.
[after Hannibal sends the vampire dogs plummeting out the high-rise's window]
Jarko Grimwood: Hey, dick-face. You seen my dog?
Hannibal King: Have you tried the lobby?
Jarko Grimwood: [about his vampire Pomeranian] Precious, isn't he?
Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask. Because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?
[he kicks Hannibal in the face]
Hannibal King: Ow!
[points at Danica]
Hannibal King: I was talking to her!
Hannibal King: What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Abigail Whistler: Shut up King.
Hannibal King: See you in 28 days.
Hannibal King: [comes across Pac-Man] Fuck me.
[two Rotweilers, also vampire dogs, come into frame]
Hannibal King: Oh, fuck me sideways!
Hannibal King: [after watching Blade casually kill a familiar] You know, at some point, you, uh, you might wanna consider sitting down with somebody. You know, have a little share time? Kick back. Get in touch with your inner child, that sorta thing. Also, just a thought, but you might wanna consider blinking once in a while.
[Blade stops and slowly turns to look at Hannibal]
Hannibal King: I'm sorry, I, uh... I ate a lot of sugar today.
Dracula: Blade, ready to die?
Blade: I was born ready motherfucker!
Dracula: Motherfucker... I like that.
Hannibal King: Her name is Danica Talos. You met her earlier. And unlike typical vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina.
[Blade's expression doesn't change]
Hannibal King: Moving on...
[Jarko punches King]
Hannibal King: Ooh, gonna be sorry you did that.
Asher Talos: Why? Nobody's coming for you, King-shit.
Hannibal King: Sure they are.
Hannibal King: God! See, one of the things you fuckheads need to know about us Nightstalkers is that when you join our club, you get all sorts of groovy little door prizes, and one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body.
Jarko Grimwood: Bullshit.
Hannibal King: Yeah. See, when one of us goes missing, the others, they just dial up the satellite... which is in space. And then presto. Instant cavalry.
Hannibal King: You like that, huh? Go fuck your sister
Hannibal King: We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.
Blade: Hmm. Sounds like rejects from a Saturday morning cartoon.
Hannibal King: Well, we were gonna go with the Care Bears, but, uh, that was taken.
Blade: What the hell makes you think you know about huntin' vampires?
Hannibal King: Well, here's for starters.
[shows Vampire tattoo]
Hannibal King: I used to be one.
[puts shirt down]
Hannibal King: Do I pass the audition?
Hannibal King: Hedges, super-size me, sweetheart.
[Hedges hands him a four-barrel rifle]
Hannibal King: This little peashooter, it's a modified version of the Army's objective individual combat weapon. Pick your poison - sun dogs, stakes, heat-seeking mini-rockets. Basically, whatever gets you hard, this puppy'll pump 'em out.
Hannibal King: Of course, it doesn't have the range of a *sword*, but, uh...
Abigail Whistler: [about to stab a vampire thug who said it to her] Scream if this hurts, chica!
Dr. Edgar Vance: Do you know what day it is?
[Blade declines to answer]
Dr. Edgar Vance: How 'bout the president? You know who that is. Who's in the White House, right now?
Blade: An asshole.
Hannibal King: [calls to Blade as Blade disappears into the ventilation shaft] Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Where're you going?
[turns to Abby]
Hannibal King: Where the fuck is he going? This is supposed to be a rescue!
Hannibal King: [to Danica, as she is dying from the Daystar Plague] Hang in there, kitten. I'll get help.
Hannibal King: Hey Blade, I got a question for you. Say we're successful, say we wipe out all the vampires. What then? Huh? Ever ask yourself that? I mean, somehow I don't picture you teaching Karate at the local Y.
[Blade just walks off]
Hannibal King: He hates me, doesn't he?
Abigail Whistler: Yeah.
Zoe: [watching Blade inhaling his serum] Why do you do that?
Blade: Because there's something bad inside of me. This keeps it from getting out.
Zoe: Why can't you just be nice?
Blade: Because the world isn't nice.
Dex: Consider us your reinforcements.
Blade: What? You amateurs are supposed to be helping me? You? Look at you. You're kids. You're not ready to roll with this. I mean, look at the way you're dressed. What, that's supposed to be tactical?
[about Hannibal's name tag]
Blade: What is this? What is that? "Fuck you." It's a joke, huh? What the fuck is wrong with y'all? You think this is a joke? You think this is a fucking sit-com?
Hannibal King: Okay, first off, that's just rude. Second, I'm pretty sure we saved your ass back there.
Hannibal King: Let's face it, we are fighting a losing battle here. So we kill a few hundred of them a year, big deal. There are thousands of them out there, maybe tens of thousands. We need a new tactic.
Blade: Like what?
Sommerfield: A biological weapon. For you sighted people, here's a little show-and-tell.
[after Blade stakes Gedge who he believes is a vampire]
Blade: Staked you with silver. Why aren't you ash?
Gedge: Why aren't you smarter? Not a vampire, dumb shit! Set your sorry ass up.
[Gedge takes off fake vampire teeth]
Hannibal King: Welcome to the honeycomb hideout.
Blade: How do you bankroll this operation?
Hannibal King: I date a lot of older men.
[alternate ending only]
Hannibal King: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a werewolf? You get a fur coat that sticks to your neck!
Hannibal King: Blade was still out there somewhere, doing what he did best. He was a weapon. His life was a war. And everybody knows the war never ends.
[Abby inspects Hannibal's shoulder wound, then pulls out an aerosol can]
Hannibal King: Whoa, hold on! What are you- What is that? What are you doin'?
Abigail Whistler: It's an elastic protein, okay? It's gonna stop the haemorraging.
Hannibal King: Okay. Is it gonna hurt?
Abigail Whistler: Yeah, it's gonna sting a little.
Hannibal King: Really?
[she applies the protein, spraying a thick paste into the wound with a hiss]
Hannibal King: FUCK... ME!
Danica Talos: Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's been planning?
Hannibal King: I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. Two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. Silent but deadly.
Dracula: Kill one man, you're a murderer, kill a million, a king. Kill them all, a God.
Abraham Whistler: Congratulations, you're famous. Somebody nailed us. Faces all over the papers, televisions. Media's eating it up.
Blade: Like I care.
Abraham Whistler: Well, you should. Somethin' like this, takin' out a human, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, you're public enemy #1.
Blade: Didn't notice it was a popularity contest.
Blade: You're not immortal. I musta heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.
Dracula: Perhaps I will too, then. But I think it is more likely the next time we meet, you fall before *mine*.
Asher Talos: [about the Nightstalkers attack] We got caught with our pants down.
Jarko Grimwood: Pants down? They pretty much fucking ass-raped us!
Danica Talos: Okay King, where is this tracking node of yours?
Hannibal King: It's in my left ass cheek.
[Danica slaps King in the face]
Hannibal King: Fine. It's in my right ass cheek.
[Danica slaps King in the face again]
Hannibal King: Okay, I'm - okay, seriously now. It's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo.
[Danica kicks King in the groin]
Hannibal King: Seriously, just pull down my tighty-whities and see for yourself.
Hannibal King: [to the dog licking his ear] Back off, pooch.
[the dog opens its three-jawed mouth, showing vampire fangs and a Reaper-style tongue]
Hannibal King: [shouts] Jesus Christ!
[he bolts to his feet]
Hannibal King: What the fuck?
Asher Talos: [picking up the dog] Good dog.
Hannibal King: [shouts] What the fuck?
Asher Talos: His name's Pac-Man. We've been porting the vampire gene into other species, experimenting.
Hannibal King: You made a goddamn vampire Pomeranian?
Jarko Grimwood: [grabs Hannibal by the throat] Spit it out, you fucking fruitcake!
Hannibal King: All right, fuck! I'll tell you about the weapon!
[Jarko releases him]
Hannibal King: It's a new flavor-crystal formula. Twice the chocolaty goodness, half the calories. Plus it helps prevent tooth decay. There.
Hannibal King: [about Danica] You know the kind of woman that just screams trouble? You see her, and every warning bell in your brain starts going off, but you still manage to ask for her number? Well, that's all I ever hook up with. But this betty... whoa! She blew them all away in the shitstorm sweepstakes.
Hannibal King: In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.
Dracula: Funny, isn't it? All this time, my people were trying to create a new kind of vampire when one already existed. I don't need to survive. The future of our race rests with you. You fought with honor. I respect that. Allow me a parting gift. But remember this. Sooner or later, the thirst always wins.
[the SWAT team converges on Whistler, dying after being shot in the back]
SWAT Member: Move a finger and you're dead!
Abraham Whistler: [raises his middle finger, while holding a radio detonator] How's about this one?
SWAT Member: He's got something in his hand!
Abraham Whistler: Get out, Blade!
[the building goes up in an explosion]
Blade: [on Dracula] So the movies are true.
Hannibal King: Ha! The movies are just a comforting fairy-tale compared to the real deal. Bram Stoker, he wrote a good yarn. But the events that he described back in 1897, God, that was just a tiny piece of the mosaic.
[showing Blade pictures of the vampires]
Hannibal King: And this walking diaper stain is Jarko Grimwood.
Blade: [to Chief Martin Vreede] Go. You've got 20 seconds.
[Vreede runs off]
Blade: [Blade waits 3 seconds] 20!
[he shoots him]
[while Blade is restrained, Vance injects him with a sedative]
Dr. Edgar Vance: You don't have a problem with needles, do you? There! That wasn't so bad, was it?
[he leans closer, and Blade hears him through a haze]
Dr. Edgar Vance: Oh, you're weak. In need of your serum. That must be a bad feeling. I mean, that a mere human like me could have over-powered you?
Blade: [realizes] You're one of them. A familiar.
[Vance shows Blade a glyph tattoo on his wrist]
Dr. Edgar Vance: Going on five years now. It's the endgame, Blade. All their plans are coming to fruition. Why don't you just sit back, and enjoy the show?
Dracula: Do you know who I am?
Zoe: You're the Gnome King.
Dracula: Ah. The Gnome King. How sweet. Tell me, child, do you want to die?
Zoe: I'm not afraid. I'll go to heaven.
Dracula: There is no heaven. No God, no angels. The only thing in your future is nothingness. But what if you could change that? What if you could remain a child forever? Wouldn't you like that? Wouldn't you accept that gift?
Zoe: [calmly] My friends are coming to kill you.
Fartula Toy: [Unrated version] That garlic gets me every time!
Hannibal King: She's making playlists. She likes to listen to MP3s when she hunts. It's like her own internal soundtrack, you know? Dark core, trip-hop, whatever kids are listening to these days. Me, I'm more of a David Hasselhof fan, you know?
Hannibal King: We're still trying to sort out fact from fiction when it comes to Dracula. Turning into mist? Kinda doubt it. But general shape-shifting? Maybe.
Hedges: Not into a bat or a wolf or anything like that, but, another human, uh, with practice, could be possible. Because he wouldn't have a-a traditional skeletal structure. Something more like a snake's, with thousands of, uh, tiny bones, and...
Hannibal King: I have a - I have a question about that, Hedges. Have you ever been laid?
Hedges: Many times... with ladies.
Danica Talos: You're brave, King. I'll give you that. But underneath all that swagger, I know what you really fear. What would hurt you more than anything else.
[reveals his old vampire glyph]
Danica Talos: You don't wanna go back to being one of us, do you?
Danica Talos: I'm gonna bite you again, King. And I'm gonna leave you here while you turn. I'm going to watch you, day after day, as the thirst keeps building and building. And then, when you can't stand it anymore...
[she raps her foot on the floor, leans closer to whisper in his ear, Dracula brings Zoe in]
Danica Talos: I'm gonna bring the little girl in here for you to feed on. Would you like that, King? Would you enjoy taking her life?
[she sits back in her chair. King sags]
Danica Talos: Now we're getting somewhere, my pet.
Danica Talos: The world's changed since your time. The humans have a new hunter... Blade.
Ray Cumberland: Say, how many people have you killed, Blade? Thirty? Forty? Fifty?
Blade: One thousand, one hundred and eighty two. But they were all familiars.
Hannibal King: So, can we just go right ahead and sign you up for one of our secret Nightstalker decoder rings?
Blade: [Blade is bobbing Hoop up and down over the edge of a building] Eventually, you know, your head is gonna pop off.
Hoop: Fuck, no, no! Please, please, please!
Blade: Who's your handler?
Hoop: I don't know my fucking handler! I swear, I swear!
[Blade loosens his grip]
Hoop: Oh, shit! Please! Please!
[a cell phone rings. Blade looks at Abbie and Hannibal, who shrug, then down at the familiar]
Blade: Oh, it's you! I'll take that. Come on! Let's go, come on!
[Hoop hands his cell to Blade]
Dr. Edgar Vance: Hello? Hello? Hello, this is Dr. Vance. You paged me?
Blade: [chuckles] It's for you. Yeah, go ahead.
[Blade hands the phone back. Hoop puts it to his ear]
[Blade lets go]
[alternate ending only; to a werewolf]
Hannibal King: Don't you know that fur is murder?
Hannibal King: I picked Danica up in a bar, and spent the next five years playing hide-and-go-suck as her little vampire cabana boy. Eventually, Abigail found me, Sommerfield managed to treat me with a cure, and now I kill them. And that's basically turning a frown upside down.
[after the vampires' attack on the Nightstalkers' hideout]
Blade: Are you all right?
Abigail Whistler: Yeah. I'll be fine.
Blade: Don't let it turn inward.
Abigail Whistler: Ever since I can remember, I've had this - I've had this knife of sadness in my heart. And as long as it's there, you know, I'm-I'm strong, and I'm-I'm untouchable. But the moment that I take it out... I'll just die.
Hannibal King: [after breaking in through the window] Evening, ladies.
[showing Blade and Abbie the blood-farming facility]
Chief Martin Vreede: They decided that hunting humans on a piece-meal basis was too inefficient. Why kill your prey when you can keep them alive? Under optimal conditions a donor can generate anywhere from fifty to a hundred pints of blood a year.
Abigail Whistler: But where did you get all these people?
Chief Martin Vreede: The streets. In any given year you've got two to three million homeless people wandering around America. No one cares about them. We're doing the country a service, really.
Blade: [applauds sarcastically] The vampire Final Solution.
Abigail Whistler: Are they aware? Do they feel anything?
Chief Martin Vreede: They're in a chemically-induced coma. They're brain dead, vegetables.
[Blade seizes Vreede by the collar and slams his face into one of the cells]
Blade: Look at this! Is this the future you want? You think there's a place for *you* in their future?
Chief Martin Vreede: We don't have a choice! They're going to win. Can't you see that? He's come back! There's nothing stopping them now.
Blade: [in Vreede's face] There's me.