Edit
Little Britain (TV Series 2003–2006) Poster

(2003–2006)

Quotes

Daffyd: I am the only gay in the village

Andy: Yea, I know.

Old Ma Evans' lodger: Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.

Daffyd: No, you are not a gay. I am the gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy!

[the Fat Fighters are discussing foods]

Marjorie Dawes: Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.

Lou: [looking up into the tree where Andy is sitting] Andy, how did you get up there?

Andy: I fell.

Anne: Eh-eh-ehhhhhh!

Vicky Pollard: Anyway don't listen to her coz everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.

Social Worker: Vicky, where is your baby?

Vicky Pollard: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.

Social Worker: Vicky, how could you do such a thing?

Vicky Pollard: I know. They're rubbish.

Myfanwy: Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool! You could have had a bit of cock there.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Marjorie Dawes: [after being told she's too fat to run fat-fighters] Well you can take your fat fighters and shove them up your fat arse! That's right, screeeeeeeeeew you!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Teacher: [Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind] Vicky aren't you going to take your baby?

Vicky Pollard: No don't worry I've got loads at home.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Vicky Pollard: What did you do that for, you total virgin!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Vicky Pollard: Stop giving me evils!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Meera: Instead of sugar use artificial sweetener in tea.

Marjorie Dawes: Summin' about sugar.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Marjorie Dawes: What advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul?

Fat Fighter: [sighs] Cut out biscuits?

Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits! erm... Mary?

Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.

Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person...

Barbara: No, I'm not!

Marjorie Dawes: Well, you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here... but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Scottish Guy: I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly... what am I?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain. We've had running water for over ten years, we have a tunnel connecting us to Peru, and we invented the cat.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: With nothing to watch but repeats on the telly of Doctor Who, Medics, and that episode of Blackadder II I was on, Lou and Andy go to rent a video.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Emily Howard: But I am a lady, I do not have testiclÈs!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Mrs. Williams: Do these butt-plugs come with batteries?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Mrs. Williams: [about Daffyd] I've said it before Vicar, and I'll say it again - what that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: This is the home of romance novelist, Dame Sally. I've always wanted to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Vicky Pollard: She's got her own council flat and three kids and she's only nine.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Mike: Hey, you open for afternoon tea?

Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not

[plays tune on flute]

Mike: Oh, OK.

[starts to walk out]

Scottish Guy: No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down.

[shows them to a table]

Mother: Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?

Kimberly: It smells funny in here!

Scottish Guy: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.

[puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]

Scottish Guy: Here I am with the cake trolley.

Mother: Mm, those look good, don't they honey?

Kimberly: I want the chocolate cake.

Mother: OK, OK, honey

[to Scottish guy]

Mother: Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?

Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.

Kimberly: What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?

Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.

Mike: Well, which?

Scottish Guy: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?

[listens]

Scottish Guy: The carrot cake contains? no nuts.

Scottish Guy: [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?

[listens]

Scottish Guy: The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts

[plays flute]

Scottish Guy: No nuts.

Scottish Guy: [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?

[listens]

Scottish Guy: [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.

Mike: [takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Marjorie Dawes: What else do we have cravings of? Yes, Meera.

Meera: Fish and chips.

Marjorie Dawes: I'm sorry?

Meera: Fish and chips.

Marjorie Dawes: Say again, sorry.

Meera: Fish and chips.

Marjorie Dawes: Oh, right, some dish we don't get over here.

[writing down on wipeboard]

Marjorie Dawes: Curry.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Roy: You are being a little specifc, yes.

Mr Mann: Ok, have you got any books...?

Roy: Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.

Mr Mann: I'll take them please.

Roy: Alright!

[begins stacking books into crate]

Roy: You, er, you must really like reading!

Mr Mann: Oh no, unfortunately I'm blind.

[Roy waves hand in front of Mr Mann's face]

Mr Mann: [Mr Mann waves hand in front of Roy's face]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Denver Mills: I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys, but the difference is I actually beat some of mine, not just BEAT them like you do.

[Silence. Denver exits the stage with a bottle of alcohol]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[repeated line]

Lou: And that's a right kerfuffle.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, well, they're just being silly.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dennis Waterman: I'll do it... long as I get to write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Lou: It's your birthday coming up, and I've booked a table up the Harvester.

Andy: Yeah, I know.

Lou: Is there anyone you want me to invite?

Andy: George Michaels.

Lou: George Michaels? We don't know him.

Andy: Yeah, I know.

Lou: I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.

Andy: Yeah, I know.

Lou: What about your brother, Declan?

Andy: George Michaels!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

George Michael: Hello, Andy.

[pause]

George Michael: Nice to meet you

[pause]

George Michael: . Happy birthday.

Andy: I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.

Lou: Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.

Andy: Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Matthew Waterhouse: [comes into boarding room with trolley full of cereal boxes] I've got a few ideas for you! Nutty Nut Nuts! Real nuts coated in... wait for it...

[pours out box]

Matthew Waterhouse: *Nuts*. How's that for starters?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Andy: [about the kids who are mocking him] Someone should give them lot a smack.

Lou: I thought you didn't like violence. You said it was the last bastion of moral cowardice.

Andy: Yeah, I know...

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: Until a law is passed to imprison fat people, they are free to roam our streets and attend slimmers' clubs like this one...

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Jeremy Rent: [to Dennis Waterman about his role in a stage production of Macbeth] No, it's straight theatre. No music. So what do you think?

[pause]

Dennis Waterman: [singing]

Dennis Waterman: Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play...

Jeremy Rent: I'll tell 'em you're busy...

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules - no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: British justice is the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either gay, a woman or a mental.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Ray McCooney: [tax people have come for money] What if I give ye six magic beans?

Tax Woman: [rolls eyes] Not interested

Ray McCooney: *Seven* magic beans?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Sebastian: Prime Minister, look out!

[pushes Prime Minister onto couch]

Primeminster: What is it?

Sebastian: I thought there was a sniper but there isn't.

Primeminster: Oh... can you get off me now?

Sebastian: Give it a minute.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Carol Beer: Computer says no.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Marjorie Dawes: Oooooh, I love a bit of cake. Oooooh, cake. Oooooh, cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. I'm just one of these people. I come home and I need a piece of cake.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Bus Conductor: Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off.

Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Vicky Pollard: No, but yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in then Blazin' Squad are well gonna give you beatings because I've actually already met them already anyway, actually, down at the Radio 1 Roadshow at Weston Super-Mare!

[to friend]

Vicky Pollard: You remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Mars and Hayley Evers reckons she saw Joe Wylans taking a dump in the sea.

[to bouncer]

Vicky Pollard: But, anyway I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway I do know them already because I'm their assistant. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not then don't listen to him because everyone knows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Police Officer: You do know it's an offence to waste police time?

Vicky Pollard: No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: [about fat people, under his breath] Greedy fuckers!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Marjorie Dawes: Now crisps are high in fat, but they're also low in protein and low in fibre! See, it's not all bad!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Vicky Pollard: Shut up, you two-faced virgin!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[repeated line]

Bubbles: Call me Bubbles, dear, everyone does!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Marjorie Dawes: What advice can we give to Christopher to help him lose weight? Paul!

Paul: Eat healthily?

Marjorie Dawes: Oh that's rich coming from you. Pat!

Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate!

Marjorie Dawes: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate, all the other kids hate him, chocolates the only friend he's got. And last but not least, Meera!

Meera: Exercise?

Marjorie Dawes: What? Sorry?

Meera: Exercise.

Marjorie Dawes: Say it again?

Meera: Oh, forget it.

Marjorie Dawes: Can't understand her, can you? Anyway, I think the most important thing you can do, is get a bit of exercise! Yeah?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Narrator: Of course, I don't mean the real Prime Minister, I mean that guy from Buffy...

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Vicky Pollard: Who the Hollyoaks Omnibus is that?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Marjorie Dawes: [to Fat Pat] Fat cow! Fat cow! Fat cow!

[stops, looks to women in doorframe]

Marjorie Dawes: Oh, sorry love, new member? Take your seat and I'll see to you in a minute, now where was I? Oh, yeah, fat cow! Fat cow!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Prime Minister's Helper: Prime Minister, I'd just like to say...

Sebastian: [dancing with Prime Minister; mouths] Fuck off!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Pat: [Marjorie is orange from her holiday] A Satsuma.

Marjorie Dawes: Yeah, that's not really bad for you though, is it?

Pat: No, but it is orange.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[repeated lines]

Roy: Margaret! Margaret!

[long pause]

Margaret: Yes!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Margaret: Roy! Roy!

[long pause]

Roy: Yes!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Lou: [Andy has just rolled all over his freshly-cemented patio that Lou has just done] Who did this?

Andy: A bird.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Daffyd: Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am...

[deep breath]

Father: Asthmatic?

Daffyd: No! I am... a gay! Oh!

Mother: Very nice.

Father: Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.

Daffyd: So you don't mind?

Father: No.

Daffyd: So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?

Mother: Eh? Oh, no. Quite frankly, we did had an inkling.

[washes Daffyd's gay clothes]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Maggie: [tastes some Jam] Ummmm! This is nice. Who made this?

Judy: Emma Shepherd. The one who's run off with the school mistress.

Maggie: [pukes] Oh, Judy. No more lesbian jam. I can't keep it down!

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[repeated line]

Ting Tong: Hello, Mr. Dudly.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Meals on wheels woman: Do you have yesterday's plates?

Sir Bernard Chumly: Oh, yes.

[he lifts up his cushion and picks up the plates]

Meals on wheels woman: We do insist they're returned clean.

[Chumly licks the plate]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Student councillor lady: [On the phone, describing the student sat opposite her, who is of restricted growth] You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. How can I describe him? Shoulder-length brown hair. Wears a lot of jewellery. Looks *up* a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare. That's it - the Oompa Loompa.

[Can't see why Paul looks annoyed. Starts humming the Ooompa Loompa song as he stomps out]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Robot career counsellor: What did you have in mind?

Boy: I've always wanted to do catering...

Robot career counsellor: There will no jobs for humans in catering in the future. Only robots!

Boy: Does that include catering in hotels?

Robot career counsellor: [thinking] Err... Yes!

Boy: Well the other thing I thought was engineering...

Robot career counsellor: There will be no jobs for humans in the future. Only robots!

[it prints out a brochure]

Robot career counsellor: This will explain it all! Now leave!

Boy: Thank you, sir.

Robot career counsellor: I am a robot!

Narrator: Those are buses, but anyway.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

Contribute to This Page