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The Battle of Shaker Heights (2003) Poster

Quotes

Kelly: [about his father] He's a VH1 documentary without the music.

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Lance: Why are you dicking with me, you little dick. You wanna play, dick face?"

Kelly: Wait, you just used "dick" as a noun, adjective, and a verb.

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[after Kelly speaks out in class]

Principal Holmstead: Kelly we have to stop meeting like this.

Kelly: I mean, it's not my fault the teachers here suck.

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Principal Holmstead: Growing up is a hard enough thing as it is.

Kelly: Is that what your box of tissues is for?

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Principal Holmstead: How am I ever going to get through to you?

Kelly Ernswiler: Well, advertising executives use status and sex to appeal to my demographic.

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Bart Bowland: You need to stop living in a fucking fantasy world.

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Kelly: So you invited me to your wedding?

Tabby: [crying] There isn't going to be a wedding. Minor kissed this woman he works with.

Kelly: Honestly, I didn't think you two were right for eachother. Like that painting. When you walk in you know exactly what it is, but when you look at it closely...

Tabby: I don't need your bullshit right now.

Kelly: I'm just trying to understand you, Tabby.

Tabby: I'm not as complicated as you think.

Kelly: I didn't say you were complicated.

[Tabby starts to cry, and Kelly goes to sit next to her]

Kelly: Don't cry. Please, don't cry.

Tabby: [laughing] You like me, don't you?

Kelly: Of course.

Tabby: No, like, you really like me.

Kelly: I think your amazing.

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Kelly Ernswiler: A funny thing just happened to me. I thought you were dead on the couch.

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[first lines]

Maurice: [in German] I have to take a leak.

Kelly: [holding a knife to his neck from behind] Ssh.

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Kelly: War is hell.

Sarah: Oh, well then, why do you do it?

Kelly: You're never more alive than when faced with simulated death.

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Principal Holmstead: I know that some of the teachers around here can be pretty trying for you sometimes. But you've got to learn to work in the system, not against it.

Kelly: Why is that?

Principal Holmstead: Because growing up is a hard enough process as it is.

Kelly: Is that what your box of tissues is for?

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Principal Holmstead: How am I going to get through to you?

Kelly: Well, advertising executives use status and sex to get through to my demographic.

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Kelly: You know, a funny thing just happened to me. I thought you were dead on the couch.

Abe: Oh, you mean Emmet. Well, they didn't have any empty beds at Care House.

Kelly: Emmet.

Abe: Uh huh.

Kelly: So you bring him to our house? Why don't you ever think about maybe he might be dangerous to me and mom? Or steal all of our furniture.

Abe: He needed a place to sleep tonight.

Kelly: Well, having him hear makes it feel more like home any way.

Abe: Hey, I've been straight for five years, almost six. That's a thirty year old life.

Kelly: Big deal. I've been straight the whole time.

[walks away]

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Miner Weber: You still in high school?

Kelly: Yeah, I am. But I also moonlight as a stock boy over at the Shop Ease. And President Dawn Cominsky says every employee's part owner, so I guess you could say I'm a captain of industry - in training. Sort of, um, a "capitalist larvae".

Miner Weber: Wow, that's quite an image.

Kelly: Only if you see the most magical part. You see it?

Miner Weber: No, what is it?

Kelly: One day I'm going to be a beautiful butterfly, right? But first I have to be a pupa. And pupas don't really go out that much, so I don't think I'm going to be going out that much. Pupa, the awkward adolescence of the insect world.

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Eve: When are you going to forgive him?

Kelly: When am I going to forgive him? That's quite a question, mom. When am I going to forgive him, hmm. I don't know, maybe, maybe when I forget all the lyrics to Little Mermaid sound track that he'd play me every time so he could go score. Maybe when we don't live in a house that's always for sale. I don't know - you know, I'll forgive him when I go to college. That's when I'll forgive him. I can't go, can I? 'Cause he took all the money out of my college fund, and bought Mexican black tar with it. And you're asking me to forgive this guy. No way.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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