Ron Burgundy: [to dog] You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.
Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...
Frank Vitchard: [to Burgundy] I am gonna straight-up murder your ass!
Public TV News Anchor: [behind Frank] Blade!
Fighter: [handing him a machete] Here ya go, mate!
Frank Vitchard: [public news anchor cuts off Frank's arm] Ah! I did not see that one coming!
Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.
News Station Employee: [Disgusted] What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: [Horrified] Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
Brian Fantana: [Tries to act casual and walk away] Woah, what's that smell?
Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh!
[laugh's playfully and pulls on Ron's sleeve]
Champ Kind: I miss your scent.
[Composes himself, becomes serious]
Champ Kind: I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.
Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk!
Ron Burgundy: Great story. Compelling, and rich.
Ron Burgundy: [riding unicorns through cartoon Pleasure Town] Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh. Do me on it.
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.
Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.
Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?
Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.
Brian Fantana: [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Brick Tamland: [breaks out laughing] That's a good one.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
Ron Burgundy: [to waiter] I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.
Ron Burgundy: [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me.
Ron Burgundy: What are you doing?
Veronica Corningstone: I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.
Ron Burgundy: I'm using the tape. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair.
Ron Burgundy: [insulted] What did you say?
Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair... looks stupid.
[an A-bomb mushroom cloud is reflected in Ron's eyes; the knock-down drag-out fight begins]
Ron Burgundy: Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.
Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00.
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.
Ron Burgundy: [picking his teeth] Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
Tino: We have a saying in my country - the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner and only the ribs will be broken
Ron Burgundy: [Interrupts Tino]
Ron Burgundy: For just one night let's not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.
Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
Brick Tamland: Brian.
Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
Brick Tamland: Veronica.
Ron Burgundy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen.
[Standing on the diving board in a speedo]
Ron Burgundy: Cannonball!
Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.
Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
Wes Mantooth: What, you guys can't say one thing? Even the guy that can't think said something. You guys just stand there? Come on.
Ron Burgundy: [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
[following morning after Veronica compliments Ron's prowess]
Veronica Corningstone: Well done sir.
Ron Burgundy: And a tip of the cap to you, Miss Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!
[Brian shuts office door]
Ron Burgundy: Did I say that loud?
Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Lincoln's mullet.
Frank Vitchard: [after having his other arm ripped off by a bear]
Frank Vitchard: Aw, c'mon! It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous.
Angry Biker: What do you love?
Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker: That's how I roll.
Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion.
Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
Ron Burgundy: [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.
Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.
Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.
Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom.
Champ Kind: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*. And that is a scientific fact.
Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about.
Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon.
Brick Tamland: [shouts] Loud noises.
Brick Tamland: [when Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up] You're not Ron...
Ron Burgundy: Don't you know I'd never say fuck. Fuck.
Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the Kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.
Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.
Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.
Brian Fantana: Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.
Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here. Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you *did* this to me! You read my news!
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary, "Veronica had a very funny joke today!" I laughed at it later that night!
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you.
Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you *scorpion* woman!
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.
Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. *I* *am* *hung* *ovaaah!*.
Champ Kind: [Theatrical version only] I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.
Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.
[first title card]
Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
Brick Tamland: Man.
Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
[kisses his biceps]
Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.
Ron Burgundy: [answers the phone in a very distressed manor] "Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
Wes Mantooth: I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you.
Ron Burgundy: Great Odin's raven.
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone as the news has just gone off the air] You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
Spanish Anchor: [Hears police sirens] Policia!
Ron Burgundy: [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed.
[Ron bribes the announcer]
Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: The human torch was denied a bank loan.
Bill Lawson: [narration] There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.
Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
Brick Tamland: That's it.
Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
Brick Tamland: No. Yes. He did.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Ian: No, Brick.
Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.
[runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
Brick Tamland: It's all right. I'm all right.
Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
Brick Tamland: Fantastic.
Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
Brick Tamland: Okay.
Ron Burgundy: Do you guys really want to know what love is?
Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
[throws burrito out the window]
Champ Kind: (Uncut version) Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can't get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.
Brick Tamland: Oh, I'm sorry champ, I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
Ron Burgundy: [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.
[falls off chair screaming]
Veronica Corningstone: Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.
[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
Ron Burgundy: [while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I freakin' love you.
Veronica Corningstone: I freakin' love you back.
Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
Ron Burgundy: Son of a bee-sting.
Brick Tamland: Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?
Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego.
Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.
Brick Tamland: I pooped a Cornish game hen.
Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?
Brick Tamland: [riding a bear] Hey, Ron. I'm riding a furry tractor.
Bill Lawson: [voiceover] Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.
Spanish Anchor: Como estan, beetches?
Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it.
Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.
Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank.
Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass.
Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.
Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy.
Ron Burgundy: I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.
Ron Burgundy: Knights of Columbus, that hurt.
Veronica Corningstone: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose. It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth! Oh, I should have known.
Veronica Corningstone: No, no. No, I did it.
Ron Burgundy: [screams] You *bitch*!
[bears wake up]
Ron Burgundy: [Incredulous] You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?
Ron Burgundy: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...
Brian Fantana: Don't say anything Ron and just let it happen.
Ron Burgundy: ...laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, yeah.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it's the pleats... the pleats in the pants. It's an optical illusion. I was just about to take them back... to the pants store. Oh this is embarrassing.
Ron Burgundy: [doing mouth exercises] How now brown cow.
Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus.
Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.
Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.
Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
Bill Lawson: Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.
Ron Burgundy: This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diago or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.
Brick Tamland: [comes on camera] High Pressure systems... High pressure systems...
Ron Burgundy: [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.
Ron Burgundy: [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good.
[Yells off camera]
Ron Burgundy: Hey everyone! Come see how good I look!
Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna go on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
Ed Harken: [thinks about it] Screwing?
Ron Burgundy: Hey Garth. How's the divorce?
Garth Holliday: Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...
Ron Burgundy: [Interrupts, not listening] Fantastic!
Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
Spanish Anchor: Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.
Ron Burgundy: [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.
[goes on smoking]
Brick Tamland: [after a rival news team insults Ron and the team. Brick is standing next to the rival team] Heinie...
Brick Tamland: He said heinie!
Champ Kind: Brick, get back over here!
Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard: Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place
Ron Burgundy: Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe.
Frank Vitchard: [after getting his right arm sliced off by a machete] I did *not* see that coming.
Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.
Ron Burgundy: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.
Ed Harken: Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
Ron Burgundy: [singing drunk] ... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...
Bartender: Hey nutjob, quit the singing! You creeping out all the regulars.
Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!
Ron Burgundy: [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh. She pointed to her boobies.
Ron Burgundy: [signing off] You stay classy, Planet Earth.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harkin, I just wondering if you knew when my office would be ready.
Ed Harken: Well, that might take some time. For now why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?
Ron Burgundy: [shouting in a monotonous voice] YOU CAN USE MY OFFICE AND AFTERWARDS, MAYBE WE CAN GO TO LUNCH.
Ed Harken: Lower your voice, Ron.
Champ Kind: Champ here! I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I kinda known for my catch phrase WHAMMY! As in Gene Tenace at the plate... iiittt WHAMMY! WHAMMY!
Ron Burgundy: The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
Ron Burgundy: Antony and Cleopatra!
Ron Burgundy: Go easy on her, guys, she has feelings too, you know.
Brian Fantana: Listen to Burgundy, he sounds like some school-boy bitch.
Champ Kind: You sound like a gay.
Ron Burgundy: Hey, this is me - Papa Burgundy. As far as I'm concerned Corningstone's fair game. Let the games begin. Wey-ho. Wey-ho.
Brian Fantana: There he is, there he is... I'm very aroused
Public TV News Anchor: This is a great shot. Am I right Frank?
Frank Vitchard: I'm not talking to you because you cut off my arm.
Brick Tamland: Any moment now, a stork will come in with the new baby panda. Let's just see if I can see what's going on there.
[looks through the crowd at the panda giving birth]
Brick Tamland: Oh God...
Brick Tamland: No... I don't understand...
[to Brian Fantana]
Zoo Keeper: Excuse me... is that 'sex panther' you're wearing?
Ron Burgundy: Let's dance, dickweed.
Wes Mantooth: You wanna dance, Burgundy?
[whips out a knife]
Wes Mantooth: I wanna polka.
Angry Biker: You've just destroyed the only thing I've ever loved. All right, there it is. What do *you* love?
Brick Tamland: Mm. I just burned my tongue.
Ron Burgundy: [the news team is in the bear pit, fighting] Hit 'em in the uvula!
Wes Mantooth: Today we spell "redemption"... R-O-N.
Champ Kind: He's standing in the middle of the baseline saying, "You gotta take home plate from me!" So there I go head first...
Ron Burgundy: [playing jazz flute] Little Ham 'n Eggs comin' at ya, hold on people hope ya got your griddles...
Custodian: This is worse than that time the raccoon got in the copier!
Ron Burgundy: Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!
Garth Holliday: You were my hero Ron! Why'd you have to say that? You come out with stink like that.
[Starts to cry]
Garth Holliday: Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!
Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
Champ Kind: What do you say if we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex... You know, see what happens.
[addressing someone off-camera, who we can't see]
Ron Burgundy: How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?
Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] The arsonist had oddly shaped feet.
Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] Unique New York.
Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. You're a dirty bitch, San Diego.
Public TV News Anchor: Well, it looks like we got ourselves a bi-lingual bloodfest.
Waiter at Tino's: May I take your order?
Ron Burgundy: Yes, I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet with a little bit of pepper, and, uh, some cheese.
Waiter at Tino's: Very good.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, I'll take a Manhattan, and kick the vermouth in the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.
Waiter at Tino's: Certainly.
Ron Burgundy: Thank you, Scott.
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Quite a drink order.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, well, when in Rome.
Ron Burgundy: Yes? Please, go on.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, do as the Romans do?
[after Ron's blank look]
Veronica Corningstone: It's an old expression.
Ron Burgundy: Oh! I've never heard of it. It's wonderful, though.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, My sweet Brick. Brick, come hug me! I know you want to.
Ron Burgundy: A La Jolla man clings to life at a University Hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.
Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus!
Tino: You eat that cat *poop*!
Ron Burgundy: [concluding broadcast] Good night, I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself San Diego.
Ed Harken: [various reaction from crew members] What in the name of? No!
Ron Burgundy: [oblivious] Sharp broadcast all of you. Great show, especially from you on the floor. A lot of hustle. I liked that.
Ed Harken: Ron, I've got to fire you.
Ron Burgundy: Ed, I've got to fire you.
Ed Harken: Do you even know what you just said?
Ron Burgundy: [shocked] Great Odin's raven! Veronica, she put that in the teleprompter.
Ed Harken: Maybe she did but I've got to fire you.
Ron Burgundy: Come get a taste.