Quotes

Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.

Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.

Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.

Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.

News Station Employee: [Disgusted] What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

News Station Employee: [Horrified] Smells like Bigfoot's dick!

Brian Fantana: [Tries to act casual and walk away] Woah, what's that smell?

Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.

Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.

Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there.

Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.

[opens cologne cabinet]

Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.

Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.

Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.

Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.

Brian Fantana: Yep.

Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.

[cheesy grin]

Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.

Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

[snarls]

Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.

Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

Ron Burgundy: [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung.

Ron Burgundy: Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?

Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00.

Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.

Tino: We have a saying in my country - the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner and only the ribs will be broken

Ron Burgundy: [Interrupts Tino]

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?

Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.

Champ Kind: Champ Kind.

Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.

Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.

Brick Tamland: Brian.

Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.

Brick Tamland: Veronica.

[to Baxter]

Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

Veronica Corningstone: Really.

Ron Burgundy: People know me.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.

Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Ron Burgundy: [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...

Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.

Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?

Veronica Corningstone: Yes.

Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!

[Brian shuts office door]

Ron Burgundy: Did I say that loud?

Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

Frank Vitchard: [after having his other arm ripped off by a bear]

[shouts]

Frank Vitchard: Aw, c'mon! It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous.

Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Ron Burgundy: [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.

Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom.

Champ Kind: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*. And that is a scientific fact.

Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about.

Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?

Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon.

Brick Tamland: [shouts] Loud noises.

Ron Burgundy: Don't you know I'd never say fuck. Fuck.

Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the Kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?

Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.

Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?

Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.

Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.

Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here. Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?

Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you *did* this to me! You read my news!

Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.

Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary, "Veronica had a very funny joke today!" I laughed at it later that night!

Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you.

Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you *scorpion* woman!

Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

[first title card]

Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.

Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...

[kisses his biceps]

Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.

Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.

Ron Burgundy: Great Odin's raven.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

Ron Burgundy: [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed.

Ron Burgundy: The human torch was denied a bank loan.

Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.

Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.

Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.

Brick Tamland: Fantastic.

Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?

Brick Tamland: Okay.

Ron Burgundy: [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.

[throws burrito out the window]

Ron Burgundy: [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.

[falls off chair screaming]

[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]

Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.

Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.

Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.

Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.

Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.

Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

Brick Tamland: Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?

Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.

Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?

Bill Lawson: [voiceover] Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.

Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?

Brian Fantana: I don't remember.

Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...

Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Brian Fantana: Damn it.

Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass.

Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.

Ron Burgundy: I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.

Veronica Corningstone: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...

Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose. It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth! Oh, I should have known.

Veronica Corningstone: No, no. No, I did it.

Ron Burgundy: [screams] You *bitch*!

[bears wake up]

Ron Burgundy: [Incredulous] You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it's the pleats... the pleats in the pants. It's an optical illusion. I was just about to take them back... to the pants store. Oh this is embarrassing.

Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus.

Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.

Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.

Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Ron Burgundy: This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diago or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.

Brick Tamland: [comes on camera] High Pressure systems... High pressure systems...

Ron Burgundy: [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.

Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna go on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?

Ed Harken: [thinks about it] Screwing?

Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Ron Burgundy: [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.

[goes on smoking]

Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.

Frank Vitchard: Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his right arm sliced off by a machete] I did *not* see that coming.

Ron Burgundy: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.

Ron Burgundy: [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh. She pointed to her boobies.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harkin, I just wondering if you knew when my office would be ready.

Ed Harken: Well, that might take some time. For now why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?

Ron Burgundy: [shouting in a monotonous voice] YOU CAN USE MY OFFICE AND AFTERWARDS, MAYBE WE CAN GO TO LUNCH.

Ed Harken: Lower your voice, Ron.

Ron Burgundy: The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

Ron Burgundy: Go easy on her, guys, she has feelings too, you know.

Brian Fantana: Listen to Burgundy, he sounds like some school-boy bitch.

Champ Kind: You sound like a gay.

Ron Burgundy: Hey, this is me - Papa Burgundy. As far as I'm concerned Corningstone's fair game. Let the games begin. Wey-ho. Wey-ho.

Brian Fantana: There he is, there he is... I'm very aroused

Brick Tamland: Any moment now, a stork will come in with the new baby panda. Let's just see if I can see what's going on there.

[looks through the crowd at the panda giving birth]

Brick Tamland: Oh God...

[starts crying]

Brick Tamland: No... I don't understand...

Ron Burgundy: Let's dance, dickweed.

Wes Mantooth: You wanna dance, Burgundy?

[whips out a knife]

Wes Mantooth: I wanna polka.

Brick Tamland: Mm. I just burned my tongue.

Ed Harken: Ron, are you paying attention?

Ron Burgundy: Nope!

Champ Kind: He's standing in the middle of the baseline saying, "You gotta take home plate from me!" So there I go head first...

Custodian: This is worse than that time the raccoon got in the copier!

Garth Holliday: You were my hero Ron! Why'd you have to say that? You come out with stink like that.

[Starts to cry]

Garth Holliday: Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!

Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?

[addressing someone off-camera, who we can't see]

Ron Burgundy: How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] Unique New York.

Public TV News Anchor: Well, it looks like we got ourselves a bi-lingual bloodfest.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, My sweet Brick. Brick, come hug me! I know you want to.

Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus!

Ron Burgundy: [concluding broadcast] Good night, I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself San Diego.

Ed Harken: [various reaction from crew members] What in the name of? No!

Ron Burgundy: [oblivious] Sharp broadcast all of you. Great show, especially from you on the floor. A lot of hustle. I liked that.

Ed Harken: Ron, I've got to fire you.

Ron Burgundy: Ed, I've got to fire you.

Ed Harken: Do you even know what you just said?

Ron Burgundy: [shocked] Great Odin's raven! Veronica, she put that in the teleprompter.

Ed Harken: Maybe she did but I've got to fire you.