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Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) Poster

Quotes

John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.

Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]

John Smith: What's wrong with you?

Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me John.

John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.

Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.

[pause]

Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?

John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.

Jane Smith: Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.

John Smith: I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.

John Smith: Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!

John Smith: Dance with me.

Jane Smith: You don't dance.

John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.

Jane Smith: Was sloth your cover, too?

[about the new curtains Jane bought]

Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.

John Smith: All right, I don't like them.

Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.

Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?

John Smith: Are you kidding me?

Jane Smith: [after shooting through a wall at John] Still alive, baby?

John Smith: We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.

Jane Smith: Any last words?

John Smith: The new curtains are hideous.

John Smith: [after Jane escapes on a high wire] Chicken shit!

Jane Smith: Pussy!

Eddie: Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying bitch.

Jane Smith: This lying bitch?

Eddie: Guess that was just wishful thinking.

John Smith: You looked like Christmas morning.

Jane Smith: That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?

John Smith: Jean-Luc Gespar.

Jane Smith: Damn, I wanted him.

John Smith: I got it.

John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.

Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.

John Smith: Sweet Jesus! Mother of God!

Eddie: You gotta take this bitch out!

John Smith: Don't tell me how to handle my wife.

Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.

John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?

Jane Smith: Paid actor.

John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!

John Smith: [just before running over an assassin with the minivan] These fuckers get younger every year.

Jane Smith: I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.

John Smith: Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.

Jane Smith: Well, so are a lot of girls.

John Smith: I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.

John Smith: It's called evasive driving, sweetheart!

John Smith: Hiya, stranger.

Jane Smith: Hiya back.

John Smith: [angry that Benjamin had blown their cover] You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn!

Benjamin: Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy.

Jane Smith: [referring to the pursuing cars] They're bulletproof!

John Smith: [having not heard and shot at the cars] They're bulletproof!

John Smith: [after Jane accidentally throws a knife that punctures his leg] We'll talk about this later.

John Smith: [after having accidentally shot at his wife, Mr. Smith is on the roof of her car while she's trying to throw him off] Come on, let's talk about this! You don't want to go to bed angry!

John Smith: [while dancing, after Jane asked what had happened to they're marriage] I have a theory, newly developed.

Jane Smith: I'm breathless to hear it.

John Smith: I think you killed us.

Jane Smith: Provocative.

John Smith: Why do you care? I was just a cover

Jane Smith: Who says you were just a cover?

John Smith: [pauses] Wasn't I?

[last lines]

John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.

Jane Smith: [whispers] John.

John Smith: [softly with his fingers out for ten] Ten.

Benjamin: [while in the middle of the desert] Oh, look. More desert.

John Smith: Web of lies!

[both have discovered that they were on the desert and one tried to kill the other]

John Smith: I missed you.

Jane Smith: I missed you too.

John Smith: Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is... you die.

John Smith: What's new?

Eddie: Same old. People need killing.

Jane Smith: You really expect me to roll over and play dead?

John Smith: Well, you should be used to it after five years of marriage.

Jane Smith: Six... and I'm not leaving.

John Smith: Come to Daddy.

Jane Smith: [after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?

John Smith: [searching for Jane, holding a pistol] Sweetheart...!

Jane Smith: We re-did the house.

[John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]

Jane Smith: Hey baby. I didn't hear you downstairs.

John Smith: I went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.

Jane Smith: How'd you do?

John Smith: I got Lucky.

John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his] You want it? It's yours.

Jane Smith: Don't! C'mon! C'mon!

Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?

Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...

Benjamin: [Jane hits him with the telephone] A! A! Option A! Ow, that hurt.

John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.

Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something?

John Smith: You are the job.

[John kills everybody in the room]

John Smith: [looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.

John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...

Jane Smith: 312.

John Smith: What? How?

Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.

Eddie: Did you get a look at him?

John Smith: Little thing. Buck ten, buck fifteen tops.

Eddie: Maybe he was Filipino!

John Smith: I'm not even sure it was a him.

Eddie: You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?

John Smith: I think so. A pro.

John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.

Jane Smith: Art?

John Smith: History! It's reputable.

John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.

Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.

John Smith: [after firing a rocket launcher] We should so not be allowed to buy these.

Marriage Counselor: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?

Jane Smith: 8.

John Smith: Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...

Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.

John Smith: Ok. Ready?

Jane SmithJohn Smith: 8.

John Smith: [hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through] These doors are handy.

Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.

Jasmine: Jane, it's your husband!

Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?

Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.

John Smith: [hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.

John Smith: I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.

[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]

John Smith: Honey!

Jane Smith: Wrap it up.

John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.

Jane Smith: Sorry.

John Smith: Girls. Where was I?

Benjamin: Mistake on your part.

John Smith: Shut up.

John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.

Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.

John Smith: [talking about their predicament] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?

Jane Smith: Well, that would be a shame because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.

Eddie: [at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?

Breakfast Diner Waitress: You guys want any dessert?

Eddie: What do ya have honey?

Breakfast Diner Waitress: Ice cream...

Eddie: Ice cream? That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?

Breakfast Diner Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...

Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...

[winks to the waitress]

Breakfast Diner Waitress: Could be arranged...

[walks off]

Eddie: Perfect...

[to John]

Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?

John Smith: The first time we met, what was your first thought?

Jane Smith: You tell me.

John Smith: I thought... I thought you looked like Christmas morning, I don't know how else to say it.

Jane Smith: And why are you telling me this now?

John Smith: I guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning... so there it is, I thought you should know.

Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?

John Smith: No.

Jane Smith: Me neither.

John Smith: [after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.

Eddie: Are you saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?

John Smith: I think so.

John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?

Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.

John Smith: You a vegan?

Gwen: No. My girlfriend is.

Jane Smith: I told you to wait for my signal, you didn't wait for my signal.

John Smith: Well, I improvised.

Jane Smith: You deviated from the plan.

John Smith: The plan was flawed.

Jane Smith: The plan was not flawed.

John Smith: Anal.

Jane Smith: *Organized.*

John Smith: Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.

Jane Smith: Well, your instinct set off *every* alarm in the building!

John Smith: My instinct got the job done. It may not have been the Jane show...

Jane Smith: No, it was the John show: it was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.

John Smith: Your *fake* mother's birthday present.

Jane Smith: The point is, you are *always* the first to break team.

John Smith: You don't want a team, you want a servant for hire.

Jane Smith: I want someone I can count on.

John Smith: [sigh] Jane, there's no *air* around you anymore.

Jane Smith: [irritated] Oh. OK, what is that supposed to mean?

John Smith: That means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity. Who can answer to that?

Jane Smith: Well, you don't have to. Because this isn't even a real marriage.

[brooding silence]

Benjamin: [locked up in the back of the van, in a bewildered voice] *Who are you people?*

Jane Smith: [yelling] Shut up!

John Smith: [comparing injuries with Jane] I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.

Jane Smith: [comparing injuries with John] I can't feel anything in these three fingers.

Eddie: Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?

John Smith: [mumbles while chewing food] Laptop

Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.

John Smith: [swallows and says louder] Laptop!

Eddie: OK. Laptop.

John Smith: You live with your mother.

Eddie: [offended] Why would you bring her into this, she happens to be a first class lady!

[on living with his mother]

Eddie: She cooks and cleans. And *I'm* the dummy?

John Smith: Does that include weekends?

[when asked how many times they have sex]

Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?

Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.

Jane Smith: There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.

Jane Smith: To dodging bullets.

Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.

John Smith: She tried to kill me.

Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?

John Smith: [grabs assault rifle] I'm going to borrow this.

Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.

[first lines]

John Smith: [at the marriage counselor's] OK, I'll go first. Um... Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

Jane Smith: Six.

John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.

Mom #1: Eddie?

Eddie: [shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!

Mom #1: [pause] Never mind.

John Smith: We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.

Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.

Jane Smith: Have you been selling big guns to bad people?

John Smith: Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.

John Smith: [comparing injuries with Jane] Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.

Jane Smith: [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?

John Smith: Not for years.

Mickey - Dive Bar Patron #1: Oh, he's pulled something!

John Smith: Oh, you're in trouble now!

Martin Coleman: Shame about the red oak.

Jane Smith: You were bait.

Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.

Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?

Jane Smith: I was never in the peace corps.

Jasmine: What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible.

Jane Smith: Really?

Julie - Associate #1: [Jane Smith looks at Julie, shocked, after Julie detonates the explosive in the elevator John is in]

[casually]

Julie - Associate #1: What? You said goodbye.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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