John Smith:
Come to Daddy.
Jane Smith:
[
after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?
John Smith:
[
searching for Jane, holding a pistol] Sweetheart...!
John Smith:
It's called evasive driving, sweetheart!
John Smith:
Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!
[
last lines]
John Smith:
[
at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.
Jane Smith:
[
whispers] John.
John Smith:
[
softly with his fingers out for ten] Ten.
John Smith:
[
after firing a rocket launcher] We should so not be allowed to buy these.
John Smith:
[
after Jane escapes on a high wire] Chicken shit!
Jane Smith:
Pussy!
Eddie:
Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying bitch.
Jane Smith:
This lying bitch?
Eddie:
Guess that was just wishful thinking.
Marriage Counselor:
On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?
Jane Smith:
8.
John Smith:
Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...
Marriage Counselor:
Just respond instinctively.
John Smith:
Ok. Ready?
Jane Smith, John Smith:
8.
John Smith:
[
hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through] These doors are handy.
John Smith:
You looked like Christmas morning.
Eddie:
Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.
John Smith:
Hiya, stranger.
Jane Smith:
Hiya back.
Jane Smith:
[
after shooting through a wall at John] Still alive, baby?
Jasmine:
Jane, it's your husband!
John Smith:
Does that include weekends?
[
when asked how many times they have sex]
Jane Smith:
We re-did the house.
John Smith:
I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
John Smith:
[
angry that Benjamin had blown their cover] You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn!
Benjamin:
Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy.
Jane Smith:
Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.
[
John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]
Jane Smith:
Hey baby. I didn't hear you downstairs.
John Smith:
I went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.
Jane Smith:
How'd you do?
John Smith:
I got Lucky.
John Smith:
[
both pointing guns at each other; John drops his] You want it? It's yours.
Jane Smith:
Don't! C'mon! C'mon!
Girls walking by House:
What's going on, Mrs. Smith?
Jane Smith:
Garden party, girls.
[
about the new curtains Jane bought]
Jane Smith:
If you don't like them we can take them back.
John Smith:
All right, I don't like them.
Jane Smith:
[
pause] You'll get used to them.
Marriage Counselor:
How often do you have sex?
Jane Smith:
I don't understand the question.
Jane Smith:
There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor:
Marriage.
Benjamin:
[
while in the middle of the desert] Oh, look. More desert.
John Smith:
Web of lies!
[
both have discovered that they were on the desert and one tried to kill the other]
John Smith:
I missed you.
Jane Smith:
I missed you too.
Jane Smith:
That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?
John Smith:
Jean-Luc Gespar.
Jane Smith:
Damn, I wanted him.
John Smith:
I got it.
Jane Smith:
You ever have trouble sleeping after?
John Smith:
No.
Jane Smith:
Me neither.
Jane Smith:
There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.
John Smith:
Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is... you die.
Jane Smith:
To dodging bullets.
Benjamin:
[
while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...
Benjamin:
[
Jane hits him with the telephone] A! A! Option A! Ow, that hurt.
John Smith:
Ok, that was a nice shot.
Lucky:
What? You're looking for a job or something?
John Smith:
You are the job.
[
John kills everybody in the room]
John Smith:
[
looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.
Eddie:
This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.
John Smith:
She tried to kill me.
Eddie:
They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?
John Smith:
[
grabs assault rifle] I'm going to borrow this.
Eddie:
I like where your head's at, man.
John Smith:
We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
[
first lines]
John Smith:
[
at the marriage counselor's] OK, I'll go first. Um... Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.
Jane Smith:
Six.
John Smith:
[
chastened] Five, six years.
Jane Smith:
[
referring to the pursuing cars] They're bulletproof!
John Smith:
[
having not heard and shot at the cars] They're bulletproof!
John Smith:
Dance with me.
Jane Smith:
You don't dance.
John Smith:
It was just my cover, sweetheart.
Jane Smith:
Was sloth your cover, too?
Mom #1:
Eddie?
Eddie:
[
shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
Mom #1:
[
pause] Never mind.
John Smith:
We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.
Eddie:
I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.
John Smith:
How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...
Jane Smith:
312.
John Smith:
What? How?
Jane Smith:
Some were two at a time.
John Smith:
[
after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.
John Smith:
[
during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.
Jane Smith:
[
slams on the brakes]
John Smith:
What's wrong with you?
Jane Smith:
[
hitting John] You're what's wrong with me John.
John Smith:
It was just a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith:
Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.
[
pause]
Jane Smith:
What's her name and social security number?
John Smith:
No, you're not gonna kill her.
Jane Smith:
My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
John Smith:
Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
Jane Smith:
Paid actor.
John Smith:
I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
John Smith:
[
hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.
John Smith:
[
just before running over an assassin with the minivan] These fuckers get younger every year.
Jane Smith:
Wait, why do I get the girl gun?
John Smith:
Are you kidding me?
Jane Smith:
Any last words?
John Smith:
The new curtains are hideous.
John Smith:
That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.
Jane Smith:
Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.
John Smith:
[
after Jane accidentally throws a knife that punctures his leg] We'll talk about this later.
John Smith:
I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.
John Smith:
[
after having accidentally shot at his wife, Mr. Smith is on the roof of her car while she's trying to throw him off] Come on, let's talk about this! You don't want to go to bed angry!
Eddie:
Did you get a look at him?
John Smith:
Little thing. Buck ten, buck fifteen tops.
Eddie:
Maybe he was Filipino!
John Smith:
I'm not even sure it was a him.
Eddie:
You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?
John Smith:
I think so. A pro.
John Smith:
Sweet Jesus! Mother of God!
Eddie:
Are you saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?
John Smith:
I think so.
John Smith:
I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.
Jane Smith:
Art?
John Smith:
History! It's reputable.
John Smith:
I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.
[
Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]
John Smith:
Honey!
Jane Smith:
Wrap it up.
John Smith:
Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.
Jane Smith:
Sorry.
John Smith:
Girls. Where was I?
Benjamin:
Mistake on your part.
John Smith:
Shut up.
John Smith:
Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?
Jane Smith:
No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.
John Smith:
What's new?
Eddie:
Same old. People need killing.
Jane Smith:
Have you been selling big guns to bad people?
Mickey - Dive Bar Patron #1:
Oh, he's pulled something!
John Smith:
Oh, you're in trouble now!
John Smith:
You a vegan?
Gwen:
No. My girlfriend is.
Jane Smith:
I told you to wait for my signal, you didn't wait for my signal.
John Smith:
Well, I improvised.
Jane Smith:
You deviated from the plan.
John Smith:
The plan was flawed.
Jane Smith:
The plan was not flawed.
John Smith:
Anal.
Jane Smith:
*Organized.*
John Smith:
Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.
Jane Smith:
Well, your instinct set off *every* alarm in the building!
John Smith:
My instinct got the job done. It may not have been the Jane show...
Jane Smith:
No, it was the John show: it was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.
John Smith:
Your *fake* mother's birthday present.
Jane Smith:
The point is, you are *always* the first to break team.
John Smith:
You don't want a team, you want a servant for hire.
Jane Smith:
I want someone I can count on.
John Smith:
[
sigh] Jane, there's no *air* around you anymore.
Jane Smith:
[
irritated] Oh. OK, what is that supposed to mean?
John Smith:
That means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity. Who can answer to that?
Jane Smith:
Well, you don't have to. Because this isn't even a real marriage.
[
brooding silence]
Benjamin:
[
locked up in the back of the van, in a bewildered voice] *Who are you people?*
Jane Smith:
[
yelling] Shut up!
Martin Coleman:
Shame about the red oak.
John Smith:
Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.
Jane Smith:
Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.
Jane Smith:
You were bait.
Benjamin:
In a manner of speaking.
Jane Smith:
*Were* bait or *are* bait?
Jane Smith:
I was never in the peace corps.
John Smith:
Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.
Jasmine:
What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible.
Jane Smith:
Really?
John Smith:
[
comparing injuries with Jane] I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.
John Smith:
[
comparing injuries with Jane] Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.
Jane Smith:
[
comparing injuries with John] I can't feel anything in these three fingers.
John Smith:
[
talking about their predicament] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?
Jane Smith:
Well, that would be a shame because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.
Jane Smith:
[
dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?
John Smith:
Not for years.
Julie - Associate #1:
[
Jane Smith looks at Julie, shocked, after Julie detonates the explosive in the elevator John is in]
[
casually]
Julie - Associate #1:
What? You said goodbye.
Jane Smith:
I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.
John Smith:
Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.
Jane Smith:
Well, so are a lot of girls.
Eddie:
Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?
John Smith:
[
mumbles while chewing food] Laptop
Eddie:
I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.
John Smith:
[
swallows and says louder] Laptop!
Eddie:
OK. Laptop.
Eddie:
[
at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?
Breakfast Diner Waitress:
You guys want any dessert?
Eddie:
What do ya have honey?
Breakfast Diner Waitress:
Ice cream...
Eddie:
Ice cream? That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?
Breakfast Diner Waitress:
Chocolate and Vanilla...
Eddie:
I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...
[
winks to the waitress]
Breakfast Diner Waitress:
Could be arranged...
[
walks off]
Eddie:
Perfect...
[
to John]
Eddie:
Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?
John Smith:
That left of yours is a thing of beauty.
Jane Smith:
Mmm. You take it well.
John Smith:
You live with your mother.
Eddie:
[
offended] Why would you bring her into this, she happens to be a first class lady!
Eddie:
You gotta take this bitch out!
John Smith:
Don't tell me how to handle my wife.
Jane Smith:
You really expect me to roll over and play dead?
John Smith:
Well, you should be used to it after five years of marriage.
Jane Smith:
Six... and I'm not leaving.
[
on living with his mother]
Eddie:
She cooks and cleans. And *I'm* the dummy?
John Smith:
[
while dancing, after Jane asked what had happened to they're marriage] I have a theory, newly developed.
Jane Smith:
I'm breathless to hear it.
John Smith:
I think you killed us.
Jane Smith:
Provocative.
John Smith:
Why do you care? I was just a cover
Jane Smith:
Who says you were just a cover?
John Smith:
[
pauses] Wasn't I?
John Smith:
[
reaches into his bag as though about to pull out a gun but pulls out a camera]
Jane Smith:
[
leans down to their daughter's level who is holding a toy gun] Sweetheart, what did mommy tell you about guns? That they're very...
[
their daughter pulls the trigger and shoots a toy doll in the head]
John Smith:
[
impressed] Not bad!
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