Scott: I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!
Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!
Truck Driver: Hello!
Scott: [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
Truck Driver: [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.
Cooper: What did he say?
Scott: He said he's driving, something...
Scott: [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?
Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.
Scott: He's going to Berlin.
Truck Driver: [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.
Scott: All right, come on, let's go.
[the group get in the back of the truck]
Truck Driver: [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
Hooligan: So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yarbles!
Cooper: Wow. You guys are on like a completely different level of swearing over here.
Cooper: This isn't where I parked my car.
Cooper: I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.
Jenny: It says here this town has a famous nude beach.
Cooper: Alright, look, we can't all just lie around all day, we've got to get out there and experience the culture first hand!
[unrated DVD version]
[excerpts seen during original version credits]
Hostel Clerk: Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel. We feature one medium sized room containing 70 beds which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bathroom. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course not all thieves. Once you are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They will not be opened again until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will be incinerated along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus. Tips are greatly appreciated.
Cooper: Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!
Scott: Big tunnel.
Creepy Italian Guy: [grins maniacally as the train drives into darkness]
Jamie: [in the commotion] Scotty, is that you? WHO'S TOUCHING ME?
Waiter: [Scottie tosses the waiter a nickel] Ah! A nickel!
[waiter shows his manager]
Waiter: You see this?
[slaps the manager]
Waiter: I quit. I open my own hotel.
[after taking a drink of Absinthe]
Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
Cooper: Me neither.
Scott: Sober as a judge.
[to a hallucinatory green fairy]
Scott: How about you?
Green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!
[outtake during credits]
Mad Maynard: Fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers! Go on, you Gallic fucking garlic-breath tossers! Piss off! Get in here and say that, mate! Come on! Fucking come and have it! You fucking beep? We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose! Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you pricks! Go on out of it! Fuck off! I'm knackered.
Swiss Guard: [thinking Cooper is retarded] Have a very special day for a very special little man!
Scott: [after being told they can get a flight to London] Anything else?
Cooper: Europe is like the size of the Eastwood Mall. We can walk to Berlin from there.
Scott: Cooper, England's an island.
Cooper: OK, swim, whatever. We'll take it.
Cooper: [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Hello Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm down in file storage. Oh, just hang on one second.
[lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone back to ear]
Cooper: No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.
Scott: You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
Cooper: They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.
Cooper: You guys are the worst twins ever.
Scott: I told her to keep her hands off my genitals.
Cooper: Well given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want
[Creepy Italian Guy massages Jamie's shoulders]
Jamie: What-what the hell are you doing?
Creepy Italian Guy: Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.
Scott: A dollar and 83 cents American. What are we gonna get with that?
[cut to a lavish Slovak hotel]
Scott: Gotta love that exchange rate!
Mad Maynard: If you're Manchester United supporters, sing the Manchester United song.
Scott: Excuse me? I'm sorry. I'm not much of a singer...
Mad Maynard: [slams a beer bottle on the floor] Sing!
Scott: [sings] My baby takes the mornin' train. / He works from nine to five and then / he takes another home again to find me... watching the Manchester United Football Team! Ah? The best freakin' team in all the land! Woo hoo!
Cooper: Hello Mr. Walters... I see... fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand... goodbye, sir.
Scott: They had to catch you eventually.
Cooper: No, they fired Humphrey.
Scott: Shut up!
Cooper: I got his office and a raise!
Tibor: Enjoy Bratislava. It's good you came in summer, in winter it can get very depressing.
Madame Vandersexxx: [Screams] On, on, VANDERSEXXX!
[the sexy ladies leave while the room is transformed into a BDSM lair and Madame is revealed as a domanitrix]
Madame Vandersexxx: Hans, Gruber!
[Hans and Gruber, Madame's goons, step into the room]
Cooper: [nervously] Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!
Cooper: [grows fearful; Cooper's jeans are ripped off] Huh? What? Hey!
[the boys prepare to torture Cooper as Madame smiles and watches]
Cooper: [panics as he pulls out the paper with the "safe word", but mispronounces it] Safe word! What is that? That's not a word! That's a - "Fluggen-kliggin-kien"?
Cooper: This is just so brutal, and yet I can't look away.
Cooper: You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
Scott: You've really thaught a lot about this, haven't you?
Cooper: It's my passion!
Robot Man: [in French] Ow! My robot balls! Error! Error! Error!
Cooper: [jumps into the hot tub with Candy in it] Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car!
Candy: Cooper Harris, you're a pig!
[starts getting out]
Cooper: Wait, Candy. Before you go, you might want to clean that off.
Candy: Clean what off?
Cooper: It's like dirt or something. Go like this.
[shows her how to rub her breast]
Cooper: No, just cut it under. To the side, and under.
Candy: Is it off?
Cooper: No. I think your top is getting in the way.
Cooper: Trust me.
[Candy takes off her top]
Cooper: That's better. But keep rubbing it!
Cooper: No, it's just not coming off.
Candy: [looks at her chest] Well, what is it?
Cooper: Oh, I'll do it. Come here.
[Cooper starts reaching for Candy's breasts]
Missy: [walks in with three jocks] Oh my God, Candy!
Candy: [covers herself] Cooper!
Cooper: [looks at the jocks] Hey. This isn't where I parked my car.
Scott: [on the phone with Cooper and Jenny] Hold on, this must be my new roommate.
[Scotty opens the door and finds Mieke standing there]
Cooper: [yelling over the phone] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? He better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
Scott: I just got your last email. What are you doing here?
Mieke: Going to college.
Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke: This one. Room 2-1-4.
Scott: How is this possible?
Mieke: I guess they thought I was a guy.
Scott: Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
[Scotty and Mieke kiss]
Cooper: [over the phone] Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?
[Scotty and Mieke fall on Scotty's bed laughing and continue to make out]
Cooper: Scotty? Scotty? *Scotty*!
Green Fairy: [Green Fairy appears] This happy ending is bullshit! When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here!
[makes the words The End appear with his wand, flies away]
[Scott's e-mail alert sound]
Computer voice: Mail, mothafucka!
Mieke: I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish... someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.
Cooper: How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam and *Jamie's* the one who hooks up? For shame!
Cooper: Jenny, that outfit is terrible! Take it off, now!
Scott: Which way did they go?
Cooper: [pointing] That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.
Scott: Good enough for me.
[goes the other way]
Scott: What do you mean you're dumping me?
Fiona: Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.
Scott: What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you!
Fiona: I know. That's what makes this so hard.
Cooper: What's the etiquette on boners? Do I role over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
Cooper: Show her the picture. She makes every girl in our high school look like a walrus.
Jenny: I'm a girl from your high school.
Cooper: No, I mean *girl* girls.
Cooper: What the hell is that?
Jamie: It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says as long as you have one of these, no-one can rob you of anything.
Scott: Except your dignity.
Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what?
Donny: [singing] Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday. She tells him she's in church, but she doesn't go, still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know...
Scott: Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!
Cooper: [singing] Oh we don't need no water, let the mother-...
Scott: I'm not kidding! Look!
Scott: I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!
Cooper: Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.
Scott: No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!
Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
Jamie: [pulls out Frommer's guide book] And I've even planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!
Scott: You brought a guide book to a party?
Jamie: You wanna see my itinerary?
Cooper: You wanna see my balls?
Green Fairy: That is some pretty fucked-up shit right there. Can you say what the fuck did I do last night?
Cooper: There's got to be a hundred drunk girls here, and we should be trying to have sex with every one of them!
Jenny: Hello. Mixed company?
Jenny: I'm a girl.
Scott: No, you're not.
Cooper: Yeah, you're just a cool guy with long hair.
Jamie: I spent the last four years tutoring the lacrosse players just to pay for it. So nobody touches my camera but me.
Cooper: So it's like your wiener.
Jamie: No, it's not like my- Jenny!
Jenny: Cooper! Leave him alone.
Cooper: Can we please just get out of here, this guy's really creeping me out.
Scott: Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
Cooper: Hey, I really don't like him.
Scott: Why, just because he's doing this?
[starts acting like a robot making robot noises]
Cooper: Seriously, don't do that.
Scott: [in a robot voice] Cooper, do not hate me. I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...
Cooper: You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.
Scott: Yeah, it was at first, but you know, we're actually becoming pretty good friends. He's a really cool guy.
[starts to type]
Scott: Dear Mike, greetings from your American pen pal.
Cooper: Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the Internet? This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van and make a wind chime out of your genitals.
Jamie: [to the tour group] This is so strange! Usually, they wait 15 days to elect a new Pope. We could be seeing history in the making.
Jenny: [to herself] We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
Tibor: We just get Miami Wice on television. Miami Wice is number one new show.
Mad Maynard: I've just about had enough of you fuckin' ities!
Vatican Guard: But I am Swiss!
Mad Maynard: Them, too!
[Cooper, in serious pain and humiliated from last night's BDSM "living nightmare", arrives to see both Scott and Jenny sitting on the bench and also humiliated from the incident at a bakery]
Scott: What did you do last night?
Cooper: I don't wanna talk about it. What did you guys do?
Scott: [notices the Vandersexxx t-shirt] What is that?
Cooper: Free t-shirt.
Scott: Excuse me.
Mad Maynard: Hello boyo!
Scott: So what the hell happened last night?
Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son!
Scott: Why are you wearing my bathrobe?
Bert: Oh, I'm sorry, but somebody *pissed* all over mine last night!
Jamie: The chateaus have been there for three hundred years. Mieke's gone in twelve hours.
Cooper: Check this out! I'm the Pope!
Scott: Cooper, take off the Pope hat!
Cooper: Oh no, it's okay, I'm Catholic.
Scott: So, have you guys decided where you're gonna go first?
Jenny: Paris! I can't wait. I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister Debbie met this really wealthy French guy, and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
Cooper: Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.
Jenny: It's not gay. I'm a girl.
Scott: Kinda gay.
Cooper: A little gay.
Mad Maynard: [after hearing Scott's song] Pretty good. Pretty damn good lads!
Cooper: This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on earth.
Anna, The Camera Store Girl: I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?
Jamie: I don't smoke.
Anna, The Camera Store Girl: Neither do I.
Scott: Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.
Cooper: Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.
Scott: What are you talking about?
Cooper: I'm talking about crazy European sex.
Scott: There are so many... penises.
Jamie: Frommer's tried to tell you. But you just didn't listen.
Cooper: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth!
Scott: It's the International House of Sausage!
P.A. announcer: Congratulations. Hudson High class of 2004!
Scott: You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad, bad Rastafarian.
Rasta Waiter: These are not hash brownies.
Scott: ...what was that?
Rasta Waiter: We do not sell hash brownies here, we are simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!
Fiona: Scotty, it's not you, it's me... There I go, lying again! No, it *was* you!
Jenny: So you just go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
Christoph: No, please Jenny, it is not like that. I also sleep with men.
[after seeing Scott at the Vatican on TV]
Bert: What a fucking loser, I'm gonna videotape this.
Mrs. Thomas: Honey? Where's Scotty?
Scott's Dad: Cooper said they were going camping.
Mrs. Thomas: Oh, that's nice. And where's Burt?
Scott's Dad: Fuck if I know...
Madame Vandersexxx: Welcome to Club Vandersexxx, Amsterdam's most erotic club. Where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
Cooper: Also, says I get a free t-shirt with the flyer.
Madame Vandersexxx: He is American. How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes. A country over run with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
Cooper: It was horrible.
Madame Vandersexxx: I know, but you can come with me and let the Vandersexxx begin.
Cooper: [sees girl bending over at a vending machine] Check it out! European ass.
Jenny: [straightens and turns around] What's up?
Cooper: Oh Jesus, Jenny, I thought you were some girl.
Scott: Yeah... um, listen. We're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?
Tibor: Oh yes! Very soon! They are building it now!
Bert: No, retardo. That's Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike", it's Mieke, a common German girl's name, similar to our Michelle.
[Cooper's ringtune goes off and it's 'Scotty Doesn't Know.']
Cooper: Oh... that's me.
Cooper: So who's Cristoff?
Jenny: I don't wanna talk about it.
[Takes bottle of alchoal and drinks it all]
Mad Maynard: Look given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should have a seat at the table. Except those fucking Ities, I hate them Italian bastards, know what I mean.
Scott: Excuse me.
Mad Maynard: Hello boyo.
Scott: So what the hell happened last night?
Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son. Don't worry I come and got ya so you wouldn't miss the trip.
Cooper: So how's Cristoff?
Jenny: I don't wanna talk about it.
[Takes bottle of alcohol and drinks it all]
Mad Maynard: Oi! This is a private members bar, exclusively for supporters of the greatest football team in the world, Manchester United, now please. Enlighten me.
Mad Maynard: Who the fuck are you?
Scott: Um... we're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio.
Scott: We're going to be couriers?
Cooper: Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to India.
Cooper: Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi, and they had to cut off his leg. Heh. But he got there cheap.
Jenny: [furious that Jamie was mugged during oral sex] All of our money. Our passports! Our tickets! Everything! Gone!
Cooper: How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame!