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Ocean's Twelve (2004) Poster

Quotes

Linus Caldwell: [Linus is trying to convince everyone that Danny was actually the leader of "The Benedict Job"] Well, if any of you had a problem, who did you go to?

Basher TarrTurk MalloyVirgil MalloyReuben TishkoffLivingston DellYenFrank Catton: [simultaneously] Rusty.

Danny Ocean: Thanks, Linus.

Linus Caldwell: Hey, can I ask you something? You ever notice that...

Rusty Ryan: If you're gonna ask if you can ask me a question, give me time to respond. Unless you're asking rhetorically, in which case the answer is obvious - yes.

Linus Caldwell: Okay, can I ask you...

Rusty Ryan: Yes.

Linus Caldwell: Thanks. You ever notice that Tess looks...

Rusty Ryan: Ooh, don't ever ask that. Ever. Seriously. Not to anyone, especially not to her.

Linus Caldwell: Wait, why not?

Rusty Ryan: Look, it's not in my nature to be mysterious. But I can't talk about it and I can't talk about why.

[walks off]

Linus Caldwell: Oooooooooo.

Linus Caldwell: What did I say?

Danny Ocean: You called his niece a whore.

Rusty Ryan: A very cheap one.

Danny Ocean: She's seven.

Tess Ocean: This is just wrong.

Linus Caldwell: You mean like... morally?

Tess Ocean: Well... yeah I guess.

Terry Benedict: The last time we talked, you hung up on me.

Rusty Ryan: You used nasty words.

Danny Ocean: How much is everyone short?

Turk Malloy: 14.

Virgil Malloy: You're kidding me! You spent all but 5 million?

Turk Malloy: Yes! Are you going to start on me with that too? You don't know what it's like starting something from scratch!

Virgil Malloy: Well, with interest, I'm short 7.

Frank Catton: Eight.

Linus Caldwell: Well, I spent a million on talent development, so I guess that leaves me at 7. Boy, that interest just kills you, man!

Basher Tarr: I'm light 9.

Livingston Dell: What's the interest?

Reuben Tishkoff: 6.

Livingston Dell: Then I owe 6.

Turk Malloy: What?

Livingston Dell: I've been living with my parents.

Rusty Ryan: I owe 25.

[everyone looks at him, he chuckles wryly]

Rusty Ryan: Hotels, man.

Turk Malloy: It's ridiculous, I mean this is a moral issue we're dealing with here. Not to mention we don't have a grease man anymore, because he's in a bag somewhere. We don't know.

Virgil Malloy: We got a bag man.

Turk Malloy: Such an ape, an animal, with no feelings you are.

Virgil Malloy: I have feelings.

Turk Malloy: No, you don't.

Virgil Malloy: Look, yeah, I do I feel bad for the guy. He's a human being in a piece of luggage, but you got water, he's got air. What did you want them to do?

Turk Malloy: Oh my God they should have gotten off the bus, get off the bus and pick up the bag with our friend in it.

Virgil Malloy: Get off the bus, they were trying to be inconspicuous. How many soccer teams do you know that are fielding 50 year-old men?

Danny Ocean: Rusty's not 50 years old.

Turk Malloy: Yeah, dude, we know Rusty's not 50.

[first lines]

Rusty Ryan: Hi.

Isabel Lahiri: How'd it go?

Rusty Ryan: Lousy.

[on the Night Fox]

Turk Malloy: Come on, he's one guy, and he's French.

Tess Ocean: [while trying to get through a crowd of fans thinking she's Julia Roberts] How is this going to get Danny out?

Linus Caldwell: We need someone famous.

Tess Ocean: Why didn't you get someone famous?

Linus Caldwell: Just think Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Tess Ocean: [rather bewildered] She wasn't in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Linus Caldwell: 'I'. 'I wasn't in Four Weddings and a Funeral'! Just protect your fake baby!

Danny Ocean: What are you doing?

Rusty Ryan: Sleeping. Why are you dressed?

Danny Ocean: It's 5:30, day of. Gotta go, let's go!

Rusty Ryan: It's 11:30. The night before.

Danny Ocean: [realizes he was given a prank wake-up call by Toulour]

Rusty Ryan: Oh! Oh he's mean. He's just mean spirited. All right, how many espressos have you had?

Danny Ocean: Five.

Rusty Ryan: Of course, we haven't considered the most obvious solution.

Danny Ocean: Oh yeah?

Rusty Ryan: We could turn ourselves in. Go to jail. Nothing Benedict could do to us there.

Danny Ocean: Yeah, good idea. We all go to the cops and confess to the Bellagio robbery. That averages twenty years for grand larceny for each of us. Yeah, that'd teach him.

Linus Caldwell: Um, all right, let's go over the list again. Ah, Swinging Priest?

Basher Tarr: Not enough people.

Linus Caldwell: Crazy Larry?

Turk Malloy: Not enough people.

Linus Caldwell: Soft shoulder?

Basher Tarr: Not enough people.

Linus Caldwell: Baker's dozen?

Basher Tarr: No woman

[pause]

Basher Tarr: and not enough people.

Turk Malloy: Hell in a Handbasket?

Linus Caldwell: [sigh] We can't train a cat that quickly

[pause]

Linus Caldwell: and...

Linus CaldwellBasher TarrTurk Malloy: Not enough people.

Linus Caldwell: So we do a Lookie-Loo... it's actually a Lookie-Loo with a Bundle of Joy!

Basher Tarr: A Lookie-Loo... with Tess... and a Bundle of Joy?

Linus Caldwell: Yeah!

Basher Tarr: You've gone right out of your tree, my son.

[looking at Turk]

Basher Tarr: He's mad. It's madness.

Turk Malloy: Yeah, it's crazy. It's Italian television crazy, and, we're still one short.

Linus Caldwell: No no, but think about it. She can get near the egg, during daylight hours, with at least half the system down! Well that's a trifecta!

Basher Tarr: You might be right. Make the call.

Reuben Tishkoff: [banging on the bathroom door] Frank come on let me in.

Turk Malloy: How do you think it feels when you're sitting down on the toilet and someone's banging on the door?

Reuben Tishkoff: Well, I gotta sit down on the toilet or else I'm gonna shit on your feet.

Assistant Manager: After the second call, I tried knocking, but he won't open up.

Rusty Ryan: I'll handle it; I know him

[bangs on hotel room door]

Topher Grace: [from inside] Jesus Christ, are you people retarded? It says "Do Not Disturb!"

Rusty Ryan: It's me.

Topher Grace: [opens the door] Hey. Come on in.

Rusty Ryan: [looks around the trashed hotel room] Jeez, Topher, you didn't have to go all Frankie Muniz on me.

Topher Grace: I'm sorry. Russ, look, I know this is your joint. I just... there's this girl. I love her, man. I love her, but she is driving me crazy! I can't sleep. I can't work. I quit the show. I totally phoned in that Dennis Quaid movie. I mean, it's like...

Assistant Manager: [answers phone] Hello?

Topher Grace: [rips off a bracelet] God, it's almost like this Kabbalah crap doesn't even work!

Assistant Manager: Rusty, call for you.

Topher Grace: Dude, don't leave!

Rusty Ryan: Anybody remember that scene in Miller's Crossing when John Turturro begs for his life?

Reuben Tishkoff: Sure, "Look into your heart."

[pause]

Reuben Tishkoff: I cry every time.

Danny Ocean: What?

Rusty Ryan: We have no line of sight.

Molly Star: I hope Danny And Rusty appreciate the fine job you did - in a tight jam? I'm really proud of you.

Linus Caldwell: Thanks.

Molly Star: We both are.

Linus Caldwell: [pauses and looks at Star]

Linus Caldwell: [revealing that Molly Star is actually Mrs. Caldwell, his mother] You told Dad? You told Dad?

Molly Star: I had to sweetheart, We were on vacation.

Linus Caldwell: [shaking his head, looks away from his mom]

Molly Star: [smiling] I'm sorry.

Linus Caldwell: Great. you guys are gonna be dining out on this one for months! Hey, you remember the time your mom had to go to Rome, Blah, Blah,blah? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

Turk Malloy: I'll give you a million dollars if you don't speak for a month.

Virgil Malloy: I wanna eat your whole head.

Reuben Tishkoff: I can handle Saul's share.

Danny Ocean: You don't have to do that.

Reuben Tishkoff: Who would I talk to if you're all dead?

Danny Ocean: That's a good point. Alright, I owe 10. Amazing?

Yen: [speaks in Mandarin]

Rusty Ryan: [chuckles] Yeah, but it's a nice place.

Livingston Dell: So that comes to?

Reuben Tishkoff: 97, give or take.

Rusty Ryan: He didn't find us on his own. Someone helped him.

Reuben Tishkoff: Another thief.

Linus Caldwell: Well, there's no-one we'd know that would violate rule number one.

Danny Ocean: What we do know is we need a job. We need a high paying job.

Linus Caldwell: Well, now we're too hot to be working anywhere in this country.

Danny Ocean: So we go abroad. How 'bout we go to...

Rusty Ryan: [cuts in] We're on the 5:00.

Danny Ocean: Good. We're we going?

Rusty Ryan: Amsterdam.

Danny Ocean: Amsterdam, it is. Clock's running guys. Let's go.

Linus Caldwell: I've never been to Amsterdam.

Turk Malloy: I hear German girls are really hot.

Matsui: So, business?

Danny Ocean: Business.

Rusty Ryan: A doctor, who specializes in skin diseases, will dream he has fallen asleep in front of the television. Later, he will wake up in front of the television, but not remember his dream.

Matsui: [to Caldwell] Would you agree?

[Caldwell is visibly perplexed and perturbed, shaking his head]

Matsui: .

Danny Ocean: If all the animals along the equator were capable of flattery, then Thanksgiving and Hallowe'en... would fall... on the same day.

Rusty Ryan: Mm.

Matsui: Yeah. Hey. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Matsui: When I was four years old, I watched my mother kill a spider... with a teacosy. Years later, I realised it was not a spider - it was my Uncle Harold.

Linus Caldwell: [All eyes turn to him, expectantly] Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face, stars fill my dreams.

[Ryan claps hand across eyes]

Linus Caldwell: I am a traveller in both time and space, to be where I have been.

[Blank, yet stern, looks from everyone]

Linus Caldwell: [Outside, Ryan and Ocean join Caldwell in the street] Is he alright? Are we alright?

Rusty Ryan: Kashmir?

Danny Ocean: Is that your idea of making a contribution?

Rusty Ryan: We hadn't even started. We ain't even got to the terms yet.

Danny Ocean: We came this close to losing that.

Linus Caldwell: Hey, I don't even understand what happened in there. What did I say?

Danny Ocean: You called his niece a whore.

Rusty Ryan: A very cheap one.

Linus Caldwell: What?

Danny Ocean: She's seven.

Rusty Ryan: Currently confined to bed with a wicked case of...

Danny Ocean: No, you don't need to tell him that...

Linus Caldwell: Sorry.

Linus Caldwell: OK. So what does this mean?

Rusty Ryan: It means you stay here.

Tess Ocean: Ma Marcus?

Julia Roberts: Um... No it's Julia.

Tess Ocean: um... oh... Hello Julia... it's ah... Julia.

Turk Malloy: [to Linus] Who died and made you Danny?

Tess Ocean: You're doing recon work on our anniversary?

Danny Ocean: Tess...

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Danny Ocean: Do I look 50 to you?

Basher Tarr: Yeah.

Danny Ocean: Really?

Basher Tarr: Well, I mean, you know, only from the neck up.

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Reuben Tishkoff: [to a fortune teller. As he is having his palm read by her, he turns around to see Terry Benedict with two enforcers] This? You couldn't see *this*?

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Saul Bloom: You're all aces in my book, butI want the last check I write to bounce.

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Livingston Dell: [Linus, Basher and Turk are escorted into a jail cell already holding the rest of the gang] So, how'd it go?

Linus Caldwell: Hehehehehe.

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Terry Benedict: [on the cell phone, talking to Baron Francois Toulour] Who do you think you're dealing with? Nothing costs nothing.

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Bruce Willis: You'd better call the rice paddy.

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[to Tess while she is pretending to be Julia Roberts and is surrounded by photographers]

Linus Caldwell: Protect your fake baby, protect your fake baby!

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Virgil Malloy: Doesn't this guy believe in fresh air?

Rusty Ryan: He opens the second floor window every now and then.

Virgil Malloy: What does that mean?

Rusty Ryan: It means he opens the second floor window every now and then.

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Linus Caldwell: I blew the meet with Matsui.

Molly Star: Let me guess. He pulled a lost in translation on you?

Linus Caldwell: [shocked] Why don't I see these things?

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Danny Ocean: [watching "Happy Days" dubbed in Italian] That guy doing Potsie is unbelievable.

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[to Danny on the phone]

Tess Ocean: There's water in the basement, and the pilot light is out.

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Linus Caldwell: Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream. I am a traveler in both time and space, to be where I have been.

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Rusty Ryan: A doctor who specializes in skin diseases will dream that he has fallen asleep in front of the television. Later, he will wake up in front of the television, but not remember his dream.

Matsui: [to Linus Caldwell] Would you agree?

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Frank Catton: Let me break it down for you like a fraction.

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Reuben Tishkoff: [after Linus complains about the freak] Are you hosting a telethon we don't know about?

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Danny Ocean: [from the trailer] How are you feeling?

Basher Tarr: Great... for a dead guy!

Danny Ocean: [pauses] Good.

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Roman Nagel: And tell him he dresses like a gigolo!

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Rusty Ryan: [seeing Topher Grace] Gee Topher, you didn't have to go all Frankie Muniz on me.

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Terry Benedict: I'd like to say a few words... about commitment. About honor. About responsibility. About a very special someone and admitting to her...

Terry Benedict: [hits Virgil] Get up. Pull the chair out.

Terry Benedict: ...admitting her in front of everybody that her wedding... and that very special honeymoon trip to Epcot Center... will have to be postponed.

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Reuben Tishkoff: Terry, I can't predict the future. I pay professionals to do that, and even they get it wrong sometimes.

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Virgil Malloy: [At an engagement dinner]

[clinks his glass]

Virgil Malloy: All right, I know I'm just the groom, and I'm not supposed to say anything, like uh, a speech. But I don't care what the rules are, because I really wanna thank my family. My mom and dad, my Uncle Gary and Aunt Grace. Uncle Ted, Aunt Celeste, and their children Denise and Jessica. My Bishop Tom and his wife, Helen. My neighbor, John, and his new girlfriend, Tanya. And all the guys at Lean Machine Inc., Bobo, Mullethead, Big Sam.

[His brother is not mentioned]

Virgil Malloy: And everyone else who's just been great in welcoming Sara into the family. Thank you.

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Saul Bloom: Do you have any idea how vulnerable a fetus' brain is to the electromagnetic field created by your cell phone? You might as well point a gun at her stomach!

Bruce Willis: I'm Bruce Willis.

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[last lines]

Reuben Tishkoff: If, God forbid, anything does happen to you, we will not be involved.

Terry Benedict: You better not be, Reuben. You better not be.

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Danny Ocean: You know, I was once in a vault while it was being robbed.

Bank Officer: [pause] that must have been quite an experience...

Danny Ocean: [pauses, thinks for a while] Yeah...

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Danny Ocean: So how much do we all owe, each?

Reuben Tishkoff: $17.34 million. Assuming Benedict gives us Prime Plus One, which I doubt. Figure 19 to be safe.

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Shop Owner: [Inquiring about his purchase] What is it - a special occasion?

Danny Ocean: It's our second third anniversary.

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Danny Ocean: How old do you think I am?

Virgil Malloy: 48?

Danny Ocean: You think I'm 48 years old?

Virgil Malloy: 52?

Danny Ocean: If all the animals on the equator were capable of flattery, then Thanksgiving and Hallowe'en would fall on the same date.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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