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Eulogy (2004) Poster

(2004)

Quotes

Fred Collins: [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire] Dad! Lighter!

Skip Collins: Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.

[about Alice smoking a joint]

Judy: Oh-oh. She's adding ingredients to her personality.

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Skip Collins: [Lucy and Alice are rolling on the floor, fighting. Skip is watching with interest] Okay okay, that's almost enough!

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Skip Collins: You don't throw a lemon at me in front of a lesbian!

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Fred Collins: What the hell is that?

Aunt Lily: It's your birthday cake. I was hoping it would be a surprise.

Ted Collins: I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked!

Fred Collins: This isn't what we ordered.

Aunt Lily: You don't *order* your mother. I spent two days making...

Ted Collins: We *ordered* an erotic cheesecake.

Aunt Lily: Excuse me?

Ted Collins: You're excused.

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Alice Collins: [referring to Judy, Lucy's girlfriend] I really can't believe you brought her.

Lucy Collins: Hello, Alice.

Alice Collins: No, it's just, I thought you'd come alone. It's family.

Lucy Collins: Are you starting already?

Alice Collins: Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys?

Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

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Skip Collins: Don't worry. Don't worry about Alice, she? you think she's gone, she comes back. Like herpes.

Judy: Thanks, Skip.

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Ted Collins: Thanks, but, uh, I've already had my mucous course for the day.

Alice Collins: Listen, you shut your spit-cave you foul-mouthed little shit-fucker before I beat the living snot out of you.

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Kate Collins: I'm sorry about Grandpa.

Lucy Collins: Oh, Katie! Nobody blames you!

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Lucy Collins: [Alice is in the front seat reminiscing and laughing with Samantha, Lucy scornfully mocks her sister from the back seat] Oh, look at how silly and normal I can act when I'm not persecuting my sister!

[laughs insincerely to mock Alice]

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Daniel Collins: Hey, did we have a blackout last night?

Kate Collins: That's what I heard.

Skip Collins: Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.

[Lucy smacks him with a newspaper]

Skip Collins: What?

Lucy Collins: You found my room all right.

Skip Collins: It was dark.

Lucy Collins: So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*?

Skip Collins: [shouts] We were lost!

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Kate Collins: Hey, hey, hey! You guys! Could one of you *please* tell me one nice thing I can say about your dead father

Lucy Collins: [after a long pause] He often called me Andrea for no reason.

Daniel Collins: I was Barry.

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Lucy Collins: This is bullshit.

Judy: Luce...

Lucy Collins: No! I'm sorry, screw her!

Judy: Come on, Luce...

Lucy Collins: No! Don't! She has made a business out of persecuting me and I'm supposed to sit here, at my father's funeral, and watch her fuck-sing at Samantha?

[shouts]

Lucy Collins: Screw that!

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Kate Collins: [reading a letter from Ryan out loud] Did you really leave me again? After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window, listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return? for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you. A whole lifetime I've been waiting. I can't believe you're not coming back. I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting. I can't believe you left me again...

[ends letter]

Kate Collins: Grandpa didn't leave because of you, it was because of you he kept coming back. I hope you all realize that.

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Alice Collins: [Alice's mom comes back from the hospital after trying to kill herself, she enters the house] Hi, Mother, try it again and I'll kill you myself.

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Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house]

[to Judy]

Lucy Collins: You remember Skip?

Judy: Yeah.

Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right?

Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough.

Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.

Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians.

Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.

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Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

Alice Collins: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so...

Fred Collins: Bad image.

Ted Collins: [hits head twice] Erase, erase.

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Doctor: We pumped your mother's stomach.

Alice Collins: Yeah, it was an accident.

Lucy Collins: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills.

Alice Collins: [to the doctor] She was cleaning them up.

Lucy Collins: With her mouth?

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Skip Collins: Pop loved poetry.

Kate Collins: He did.

Skip Collins: Yeah. All the ones about Nantucket.

Skip Collins: I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl. There once was a girl who was crippled, by the weight of her overgrown nipple.

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Lucy Collins: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother] When can we take her home?

Doctor: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home.

Alice Collins: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe.

Lucy Collins: [to Alice] Oh. My. God.

Alice Collins: Bite me.

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Judy: [on the couch reading, sees Ted and Fred] Yes, boys?

Fred Collins: Can we help you with anything?

Ted Collins: Maybe intern with you?

Judy: [pauses and stares] You can rub my feet if you want.

[sticks foot in the air]

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Skip Collins: Dearest Judge...

Judge: Excuse me?

Skip Collins: My client...

[whispering]

Skip Collins: name?

Lace: Oh, um, Lace.

Skip Collins: Miss Lace, was engaged in a consensual servicing of an entrapable member...

Judge: Are you an attorney?

Skip Collins: [smiles] Touche, your highness.

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Skip Collins: This is why your mother left us.

Ted Collins: She was a hack.

Fred Collins: I've seen better moms on TV.

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Skip Collins: Guys, c'mon.We've got this funeral

Ted Collins: Grandpa's not going anywhere

Skip Collins: Get in the car!

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Skip Collins: That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.

Ted Collins: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Fred Collins: He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.

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Ted Collins: So, what'd he leave us?

Charlotte Collins: Your grandfather's will won't be read until after the funeral.

Fred Collins: Talk about being early.

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Kate Collins: Uncle Skip and the twins were a little heavy with hormones, but they were at those ages...

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Aunt Lily: Where did they even hear the term 'Erotic Cheesecake'?

Skip Collins: Hey, somebody's gotta teach them these things, right?

Aunt Lily: What things? That you can make a cheesecake look like disembodied breasts?

Skip Collins: ...Or an ass...

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Kate Collins: My family still observes a cocktail hour with a vengeance.

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Alice Collins: I suppose I owe you an apology...

Judy: ...Are you working up to it?

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Daniel Collins: Go talk to your mother.

Skip Collins: You talk to her, alright? She's a downer.

Daniel Collins: She's a widow.

Skip Collins: She was a downer first.

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Ted Collins: If I ever...

Fred Collins: Single bullet...

Ted Collins: Through my left eye...

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Lucy Collins: What're you laughing at?

Ted Collins: I don't know.

Fred Collins: But I can't wait to find out what you two vageniuses are up to.

Judy: What did you just say?

Ted Collins: Lez vocab word!

Lucy Collins: [to Judy] What did he just call us?

Judy: Vageniuses.

Fred Collins: It's a compound compliment.

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Skip Collins: Hey, Elvis killed himself because someone was gonna write a book about his underwear wrestling.

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Alice Collins: It won't work. Everyone knows that the only gay relationships that last are the ones between people of the same height.

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Alice Collins: I'm sorry, I live in the real world. I work hard at raising a decent family. You don't see me prancing around in my pajamas all day, starting up pillow fights with my topless girlfriend...

Kate Collins: ...What are we talking about?

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Alice Collins: This isn't about you so.

Judy: Are you talking to the sex toy?

Alice Collins: I'm sure you're a very nice lesbian. Is that the preferred term?

Judy: No, no. We prefer whore.

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[first lines]

Kate Collins: [practicing out loud] Hey, you don't know me... I don't know you...

Kate Collins: [narration] Twice in my life I've had to deliver bad news to someone I'd never met. The first time involved a cat that ran out in the middle of my driver's test. This time was a bit trickier.

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Kate Collins: [narration] My grandmother always said she wished Alice came with a mute button.

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Charlotte Collins: [to Funeral Director] How much would it cost to put him in a garbage bag?

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Skip Collins: When I die I want to be cremated, and ashes mixed with the ink that the government uses to print money. Yeah. Then I'll be everywhere.

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Skip Collins: My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he...

Fred Collins: Stop.

Skip Collins: What?

Ted Collins: You were going to say the L word.

Skip Collins: I just...

Ted Collins: Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.

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Barbara Collins: [reading video title screen] VAG / IN / A / Town. What's VAG?

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[last lines]

Skip Collins: [at wedding] It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke! Just let people...

Alice Collins: [trying to grab the microphone]

Skip Collins: These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store...

Alice Collins: [finally gets the microphone away from him]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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