- Johnny Carson: [as Carnival Barker] The girl who made Little Egypt surrender to the Israelis, Luscious Lucille is the most fantastic dancing girl in all history. When Lucille made her first appearance, Gypsy Rose Lee retired, Lily St. Cyr burst her bubble, and Sally Rand grabbed her fans and flew back to Capistrano.
- Carnival owner: Chandu tell me, whose picture is on a one dollar bill? It's a man wearing a white wig.
- Ben Blue: Santa Claus.
- Carnival owner: No, no. This man was born on a very famous day. On the 22nd of February about 200 years ago.
- Ben Blue: Mickey Rooney?
- Carnival owner: No, he was called the father of his country.
- Ben Blue: Mickey Rooney!
- Carnival owner: No, Shandu, don't you remember? He crossed the Delaware River in a rowboat.
- Ben Blue: George Raft?
- Carnival owner: You're half right.
- Ben Blue: George Half-Raft?
- Ben Blue: I know what a hippie is.
- Carnival owner: What?
- Ben Blue: A hippie's a guy that dresses like Tarzan, walks like Jane, and smells like Cheetah.
- Old Lady on Midway: [to Sammy the Swindler] Who needs gold stock? I've got Social Security and Medicare.
- Jack Benny: [to us] Now how can an honest swindler compete with the government?
- Jack Benny: Hey, do you have enough food for lunch?
- Lucille Ball: [as Agnes] Yeah, we got low-cal drinks for the thin man, potatoes hi-cal for the fat man, bones for the dog-faced boy, rusty nails for the sword swallower, alphabet soup for the tattooed man, a glass of milk with a couple of straws in it for the two-headed man, and shortin' bread for the midget.