Dead Like Me (2003–2004)
Rube: [to a hurried woman who sees an acquaintance in line at the post office and moves in line next to her] I have a question for you... is everyone in this line an asshole?
Woman in Post Office: Excuse me?
Rube: Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?
Woman in Post Office: No.
Rube: So it's just you then?
Woman in Post Office: I have children in the car.
Rube: I have a cake in the oven.
Rube: He's got three minutes left on the meter. And she's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that - it's shameful.
George: Yuck! This juice tastes like ass, here you try it!
Mason: No, thanks. I'm trying to stay off of the ass juice for now.
Ray Summers: Okay, George. Five reasons men are scum and women let us get away with it. One: we only want one thing. No exceptions. Two: we fall in love with you before we can have that thing and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversely fall in love afterwards. Three: we will lie, cheat, steal or murder in order to get that thing... why am I sugarcoating this, you're a big girl... in order to fuck you. Four: we freely admit the numbers one, two, three, and women don't care. And the number five reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it: you can't live without us.
George: Life sucks, and then you die. And then it still sucks.
George: [after intentionally missing an appointment to reap a soul] I forgot to tell you my last guy didn't show... just thought you'd like to know. What's the soup today?
Rube: Cream of bullshit.
Dolores Herbig: [to George after checking her online date account and getting no messages] You know, when you are young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top... sex is a big buffet and you are just a fat man with a fork. But, as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.
George: This is where I felt it the first time. The universe was cocking the fuck-with-me gun.
Roxy: I'm going to put this politely as possible. I will fuck you up!
George: Death is kind of like sex in high school. If you knew how many times you missed having it, you'd be paralyzed.
George: I think when someone you love dies, you get a pass on normal.
George: Since I just got promoted, I just thought you two should know - I take my coffee with a little milk, two sugars and a lot less of your bullshit.
George: What's the point in keeping your head down if it's already been blown off?
George: If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I'd definitely choose a heart because at least you'd do something. If you're a brain, at the end of the day all you're really at is settling for shitty situations.
Joy: So tell me the rules.
Raven: We'll just go around the circle until you get it. Then you can join in.
Raven: Of what?
Tabitha: Ok, wait. Boiling oil. Boiling acid.
Girl #2: Electrocution.
Girl #3: Decapitation.
Tabitha: Brain embolism.
Girl #2: Carpel tunnel.
Girl #3: What's that?
Girl #2: It's really, really bad.
Raven: OK, Mrs. Lass?
Joy: Umm... well, in my sleep, age 98, surrounded by flowers, and grandchildren, and all people I love.
Reggie Lass: [sighs]
Roxy: [to Mason who is curled up on a bench at the diner and looking out the window] What's wrong with you?
[Mason blinks in her direction, eyes bloodshot]
Roxy: Are you stoned?
Mason: [looking very pale and sickly] I've got illegals in my bottom...
[referring to the bag of cocaine that broke in his rectum at the airport]
Roxy: [looking at mason shaking her head] Why do you do this to yourself?
Mason: [hand on his forehead whimpering] I don't know.
[George is thinking to herself about the new guy she has just met at work as she walks around the office]
George: I cannot go out with this Brennan guy, it would never work out. You're a Taurus, he's a Gemini. He's Lutheran, and you're dead. You have to weasel your way out of this, you have to tell him... no.
[sees Fran, flirting with Brennan and playing with his hair]
George: Oh my god, some slut is stealing my boyfriend!
George: Get the F out. Before I kick your F-in' A again.
George: [after Joy wakes her up and sends her to work] Who had the nerve to call you Joy?
George: So, my whole life, everything, all I get to keep are thoughts and memories?
Rube: That's all we ever have peanut.
Betty: [taking a quiz] Do you consider yourself exceptionally reasonable or exceptionally kind?
Mason: Exceptionally kind.
[Betty looks at him questioningly]
Mason: Well, I'm not particularly reasonable.
Daisy Adair: You are always in your own head. It's like you're talking to yourself.
George: [voice over] Am I?
Rube: The thing is what, Mason?
Mason: You know that thing, ok, you're good at that thing, that, you can, you're better at, um, just, you know, you know, talking.
Rube: Well said.
[Penny died on the Titanic]
George: How'd you die?
Penny: Boating accident.
George: Sailing? Water-skiing? Fall out of a dingy?
Rube: [to George] You're a constipator, Peanut. You disturb my shit, and that's annoying.
George: I don't want to fit in, I just don't want to stand out.
Daisy Adair: If Romeo had just masturbated a couple of times a week he would have saved both those nice families a heap of trouble.
George: Hi, Lydia. You've temped for them before. There's a dress code and your skirt needs to actually cover your ass... I don't care where your tattoo is, you cannot show crack at the office.
[Rube lights his pipe in the Happy Time office]
George: You can't smoke in here.
Rube: Ah, fuck that bullshit, they can blow me.
[talking to two girls]
Mason: Do any of you girls work for UPS? 'Cause I couldn't help but notice you were checking out my package.
Dolores Herbig: GEORGIA LASS!
George: [bumping her head] What?
Dolores Herbig: What?
George: [quickly rethinking] Who?
Mason: [referring to Rube] Stay on his good side. He's like a volcano George. He erupts and spews lava in little villages. They run around, they run around for their lives. But you know he stops and you can go back to the safety of your own home.
Stan Samuels: [in a church] Why would God do this to me?
Daisy Adair: Do what? Have you die this way?
Stan Samuels: Have me live this way! God doesn't love all creatures, Daisy.
Daisy Adair: I think you should pray, Stan.
Stan Samuels: I want to forgive him, but I want him to tell me that he's sorry first.
[stained glass window of The Virgin Mary shatters]
George: I don't know exactly what makes people cross over. I mean, souls. I think they see light where others cannot. I think they see a chance to become something else. Someone else.
Dolores Herbig: Who has been making grilled cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles?
Mason: She said you're...
Kiffany: I'm not psychic.
Mason: I think you are.
Kiffany: I have tables...
Mason: I'll give you ten bucks.
Kiffany: You only have two in your pocket.
Mason: Roxy, your dress makes me feel funny in my pants.
Ray Summers: [nodding toward Mason and Daisy] So what's that about?
George: Probably you.
Ray Summers: I find your friend Daisy painfully attractive.
George: Take a number.
Ray Summers: How do you know her?
George: That's none of your fuckin' business.
Ray Summers: You're an angry little thing, aren't ya?
George: [raising dart towards Ray's eye] You call me a little thing again and I'll put this fuckin' dart right between your twinkling eyes.
Ray Summers: 'Nother tequila?
George: Please... so, you the love 'em and leave 'em type?
Ray Summers: I've done that.
George: [eye roll] What is up with that?
Ray Summers: What's the matter, George? A boy not nice to you?
George: No, I'm good.
Ed Barphin: May I ask you a question?
George: That is a question. Would you like to ask me another one?
Joy: Where are my effing keys?
Reggie Lass: Maybe they're in your effing purse.
Joy: Reggie! Don't say effing!
[George is in a good mood one morning and Roxie doesn't like it]
Roxy: How about a hot cup of shut the fuck up?
Deirdre Daly: [handing George a flower] For my first customer of the day.
George: [taking her soul] Mine too.
George: Who do I have to kill to get some attention around here!
Mason: [about Crystal] We've got a problem.
George: I don't think it's a problem.
Roxy: [after Gravelings tried to drop something on her] You missed me, motherfuckers!
George: Don't you want to at one with nature and your fellow workers? Nope, can't. bed-wetter.
Rube: What you're feeling right now -all the rage and frustration binding everything from your head to your digestive tract- that's my life with you.
George: [Mason keeps on interrupting George when she is trying to convince Daisy to let Mason live with them] Shut the *fuck* up, Mason!
Ray Summers: Hi, I'm Ray.
George: Fuck you, Ray.
Ray Summers: Nice spendin' time with you guys.
Daisy Adair: Ray, this is Mason. Mason, Ray. And George - curious George.
Mason: So Daisy, what's goin' on, I thought it was just the three of us.
Ray Summers: Daisy?
Daisy Adair: Daisy Adair.
George: So what do you do, Ray?
Ray Summers: I'm a television producer, George.
George: So you're rich.
Ray Summers: Comfortable.
George: I suppose you're charming.
Ray Summers: Tolerable.
George: And women just fall the fuck all over you.
Ray Summers: Not you, I suspect.
Daisy Adair: Georgia, you're being impolite.
Ray Summers: No, no, that's okay. Everybody likes me eventually.
[George, talking about Roxy]
George: That's Roxy. She could kick your ass.
[after being handed a self evaluation]
Mason: I need more drugs.
[after Rube asks Daisy to take two post its]
Daisy Adair: NO! And no means no! Powerful isn't it? I learned it at a PSA about date rape!
Daisy Adair: [after a married couple dies right after their ceremony] They're not going to Bali for their honeymoon, are they?
Daisy Adair: That's really one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
[the newlywed spirits kiss]
Mason: They don't seem to mind.
Tiny: The only thing we hate more than bad manners is the goddamn fascist helmet law!
Rube: [trying to get the reapers to work on their self-exams] Hey-there's no hob-knobbing. This is not a debutante party.
George: You really care how it's going with me?
Rube: Sure. You make my face look like this and concerned words come out.
George: I can't believe I just said "dilly dally". I feel dirty.