The Very Best of 'Have I Got News for You' (2002 Video)
Angus Deayton: [Missing Words round] "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".
Ian Hislop: Thatcher!
Paul Merton: [caption competition: photo of JFK riding in his limo on the day of his assassination] Is he saying "Do you know, I think my headache's gone"?
Angus Deayton: [about the Chinese President's visit to the UK] How did the Queen prepare for the arrival of the President?
Martin Clunes: She sellotaped the old man's mouth shut.
The Earl of Onslow: At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.
Paul Merton: But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.
The Earl of Onslow: You ask Peter Tatchell.
Ian Hislop: I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?
Glenda Jackson: I was just about to ask that myself!
Paul Merton: Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."
Angus Deayton: [reading out headline during missing words round] "I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel".
Paul Merton: Swallow?
Ian Hislop: It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.
Angus Deayton: We did everything we could, Ian, but...
[caption competition - a photo of a frowning Angus wearing a motorcycle helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a suit and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background]
Paul Merton: General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.
Ian Hislop: New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.
Tom Baker: How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr. Death?
[this draws the biggest laugh from the audience]
Ian Hislop: Angus takes his stabilisers off.
Paul Merton: Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr. Deayton
Angus Deayton: [to Michael Crick] Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.
[clip plays: a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park]
Jeffrey Archer: Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!
Piers Morgan: Is the answer jam?
[no one laughs]
Angus Deayton: Not in so many words, no.
Piers Morgan: I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.
Ian Hislop: People like him.
Ian Hislop: [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"] Jam.
Ian Hislop: You see, Piers?
Piers Morgan: See, that's comedy.
Angus Deayton: The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.
Clive Anderson: [to Piers] Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?
Piers Morgan: What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?
Clive Anderson: About as much as you do!
Paula Yates: Ian, please stop being unkind. Don't be unkind.
Ian Hislop: [to the audience] Shall I stop being unkind?
[the audience replies "No!"]
Paul Merton: Well, there's only one way to sort this out, if you want Ian to stop being unkind, phone 09876...
Ian Hislop: I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?
Paula Yates: You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.
Paul Merton: Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.
Angus Deayton: [to the camera] It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.
Angus Deayton: So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?
[Paula squirms. A woman in the audience says "Yes"]
Paula Yates: [to the audience] All right! So much for sisterhood!
Ian Hislop: So much for sisterhood?
Paula Yates: That was a woman that just said yes!
Ian Hislop: Is that what you said to Helena Christensen?
[a big "Oooooh!" from the audience]
Paula Yates: [to Ian] I really despise you now.
Angus Deayton: We've despised him for ages. Strange you've only just caught up.
Paula Yates: [Ian has been taking potshots at her for the last few minutes] Stop it, stop it! Don't say another word or I'm coming over there.
[the audience goes "Ooooh!" and claps and cheers]
Paula Yates: [flexes her hands] And then you'll know the full force of my operation.
Ian Hislop: Hello, Paula.
Gordon Kennedy: Angus, if it all gets a bit nasty, can I get underneath your...?
Angus Deayton: Yes. I'll be under there already.
Paula Yates: [narrowing her eyes at Ian] Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.
[audience laughs. She tries to carry on answering the question but the audience is still laughing at Ian sneering at the malapropism she's just made]
Ian Hislop: Sperm of the devil! Even your insults emanate from the genitals!
Angus Deayton: The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?
Sheila Hancock: Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.
Angus Deayton: Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...
Paul Merton: I-T?
Angus Deayton: ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.
Sheila Hancock: [groans] Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... that is pathetic!
Paul Merton: Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!
Ian Hislop: You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!
Angus Deayton: Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?
Paul Merton: No.
Angus Deayton: Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.
Paul Merton: I don't want to know it.
Angus Deayton: Well, I'm going to tell you.
Paul Merton: Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.
[sticks his fingers in his ears]
Paul Merton: And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.
Angus Deayton: Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...
Paul Merton: [interrupting] Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Angus Deayton: ...Bucaram...
Paul Merton: Da-da da-da!
Angus Deayton: ...returned...
Paul Merton: La-la-la-la-la!
Ian Hislop: This is like being at home with my two-year-old
Angus Deayton: So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?
Swampy: Is he?
Angus Deayton: Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.
Swampy: Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?
Ian Hislop: He won't resign.
Angus Deayton: Who won't?
Ian Hislop: Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.
Angus Deayton: Who's he? Oh, right.
Paul Merton: This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"
Roy Hattersley: [referring to when they used a tub of lard in place of him] It was a terrible disappointment to me, 'cos I thought there was going to be a great barrel with stains...
Paul Merton: Well, you're here now, anyway.
Margaret Thatcher: [in an old interview; talking about Rolf Harris' song 'Two Little Boys'] Two brothers fighting on opposite sides, and one sees the other. "Did you think I'd leave you dying when there's room on my horse for two?"
Ian Hislop: Maggie would have shot the wounded one in the head!
[the winning entry of a German art contest is shown - a strange picture of some women and a child in a zoo standing behind some rocks with a tiger lying on the other side, it could easily jump over them. Only the child's head is visible above the rocks]
Paul Merton: [indignantly] God, what sort of zoo is this? They've put the rhino behind the cage and they've stuck the kids right next to the tiger! It's eaten that child's body!
Angus Deayton: It's only the rhino that's in the enclosure, you see. The tiger is one of us. Very deep.
Paul Merton: Well, I think that's a policy which frankly needs reviewing.