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The Very Best of 'Have I Got News for You' (Video 2002) Poster

Quotes

Angus Deayton: [Missing Words round] "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".

Ian Hislop: Thatcher!

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Paul Merton: [caption competition: photo of JFK riding in his limo on the day of his assassination] Is he saying "Do you know, I think my headache's gone"?

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Angus Deayton: [about the Chinese President's visit to the UK] How did the Queen prepare for the arrival of the President?

Martin Clunes: She sellotaped the old man's mouth shut.

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The Earl of Onslow: At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.

[audience laughs]

Paul Merton: But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.

The Earl of Onslow: You ask Peter Tatchell.

Ian Hislop: I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?

The Earl of OnslowPaul Merton: How do you know?

Glenda Jackson: I was just about to ask that myself!

Paul Merton: Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."

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Angus Deayton: [reading out headline during missing words round] "I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel".

Paul Merton: Swallow?

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Ian Hislop: It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.

Angus Deayton: We did everything we could, Ian, but...

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[caption competition - a photo of a frowning Angus wearing a motorcycle helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a suit and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background]

Paul Merton: General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.

Ian Hislop: New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.

Tom Baker: How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr. Death?

[this draws the biggest laugh from the audience]

Ian Hislop: Angus takes his stabilisers off.

Paul Merton: Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr. Deayton

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Angus Deayton: [to Michael Crick] Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.

[clip plays: a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park]

Jeffrey Archer: Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!

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Piers Morgan: Is the answer jam?

[no one laughs]

Angus Deayton: Not in so many words, no.

Piers Morgan: I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.

Ian Hislop: People like him.

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Ian Hislop: [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"] Jam.

[audience laughs]

Ian Hislop: You see, Piers?

Piers Morgan: See, that's comedy.

Angus Deayton: The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.

Clive Anderson: [to Piers] Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?

Piers Morgan: What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?

Clive Anderson: About as much as you do!

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Paula Yates: Ian, please stop being unkind. Don't be unkind.

Ian Hislop: [to the audience] Shall I stop being unkind?

[the audience replies "No!"]

Paul Merton: Well, there's only one way to sort this out, if you want Ian to stop being unkind, phone 09876...

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Ian Hislop: I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

Paula Yates: You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

Paul Merton: Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

Angus Deayton: [to the camera] It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.

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Angus Deayton: So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?

[Paula squirms. A woman in the audience says "Yes"]

Paula Yates: [to the audience] All right! So much for sisterhood!

Ian Hislop: So much for sisterhood?

Paula Yates: That was a woman that just said yes!

Ian Hislop: Is that what you said to Helena Christensen?

[a big "Oooooh!" from the audience]

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Paula Yates: [to Ian] I really despise you now.

Angus Deayton: We've despised him for ages. Strange you've only just caught up.

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Paula Yates: [Ian has been taking potshots at her for the last few minutes] Stop it, stop it! Don't say another word or I'm coming over there.

[the audience goes "Ooooh!" and claps and cheers]

Paula Yates: [flexes her hands] And then you'll know the full force of my operation.

Ian Hislop: Hello, Paula.

Gordon Kennedy: Angus, if it all gets a bit nasty, can I get underneath your...?

Angus Deayton: Yes. I'll be under there already.

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Paula Yates: [narrowing her eyes at Ian] Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.

[audience laughs. She tries to carry on answering the question but the audience is still laughing at Ian sneering at the malapropism she's just made]

Ian Hislop: Sperm of the devil! Even your insults emanate from the genitals!

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Angus Deayton: The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

Sheila Hancock: Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

Angus Deayton: Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

Paul Merton: I-T?

Angus Deayton: ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

Sheila Hancock: [groans] Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... that is pathetic!

Paul Merton: Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

Ian Hislop: You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

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Angus Deayton: Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?

Paul Merton: No.

Angus Deayton: Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

Paul Merton: I don't want to know it.

Angus Deayton: Well, I'm going to tell you.

Paul Merton: Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.

[sticks his fingers in his ears]

Paul Merton: And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.

Angus Deayton: Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...

Paul Merton: [interrupting] Da-da-da-da-da-da!

Angus Deayton: ...Bucaram...

Paul Merton: Da-da da-da!

Angus Deayton: ...returned...

Paul Merton: La-la-la-la-la!

Ian Hislop: This is like being at home with my two-year-old

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Angus Deayton: So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?

Swampy: Is he?

Angus Deayton: Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.

Swampy: Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?

[laughter]

Ian Hislop: He won't resign.

Angus Deayton: Who won't?

Ian Hislop: Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.

Angus Deayton: Who's he? Oh, right.

Paul Merton: This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

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Roy Hattersley: [referring to when they used a tub of lard in place of him] It was a terrible disappointment to me, 'cos I thought there was going to be a great barrel with stains...

Paul Merton: Well, you're here now, anyway.

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Margaret Thatcher: [in an old interview; talking about Rolf Harris' song 'Two Little Boys'] Two brothers fighting on opposite sides, and one sees the other. "Did you think I'd leave you dying when there's room on my horse for two?"

Ian Hislop: Maggie would have shot the wounded one in the head!

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[the winning entry of a German art contest is shown - a strange picture of some women and a child in a zoo standing behind some rocks with a tiger lying on the other side, it could easily jump over them. Only the child's head is visible above the rocks]

Paul Merton: [indignantly] God, what sort of zoo is this? They've put the rhino behind the cage and they've stuck the kids right next to the tiger! It's eaten that child's body!

Angus Deayton: It's only the rhino that's in the enclosure, you see. The tiger is one of us. Very deep.

Paul Merton: Well, I think that's a policy which frankly needs reviewing.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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