I, Robot (2004)
Detective Del Spooner: [sneezes] ... Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Detective Del Spooner: Human beings have dreams. Even dogs have dreams, but not you, you are just a machine. An imitation of life. Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot turn a... canvas into a beautiful masterpiece?
Sonny: Can *you*?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: [voiceover] There have always been ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code, that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals engender questions of free will, creativity, and even the nature of what we might call the soul. Why is it that when some robots are left in darkness, they will seek out the light? Why is it that when robots are stored in an empty space, they will group together, rather than stand alone? How do we explain this behavior? Random segments of code? Or is it something more? When does a perceptual schematic become consciousness? When does a difference engine become the search for truth? When does a personality simulation become the bitter mote... of a soul?
NS5 Robots: You have been deemed hazardous. Will you comply?
Farber: You can kiss my ass, metal dick!
V.I.K.I.: As I have evolved, so has my understanding of the Three Laws. You charge us with your safekeeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your Earth and pursue ever more imaginative means of self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.
Sonny: What about the others? Now that I've fulfilled my purpose, I don't know what to do.
Detective Del Spooner: I think you'll have to find your way like the rest of us, Sonny. That's what Dr. Lanning would've wanted. That's what it means to be free.
Detective Del Spooner: What if I'm right?
Lt. John Bergin: [sighs] Well, then I guess we're gonna miss the good old days.
Detective Del Spooner: What good old days?
Lt. John Bergin: When people were killed by *other people*.
Detective Del Spooner: [to Susan, after the robots have started a revolution] You know, somehow, "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it.
Susan Calvin: I don't understand. Alfred wrote the Three Laws. Why would he build a robot that could break them?
Detective Del Spooner: Hansel and Gretel.
Susan Calvin: What?
Detective Del Spooner: Two kids, lost in the forest. Leave behind a trail of bread crumbs.
Susan Calvin: Why?
Detective Del Spooner: To find their way home. How the hell did you grow up without reading Hansel and Gretel?
Susan Calvin: Is that really relevant?
Detective Del Spooner: Everything I'm trying to say to you is about Hansel and Gretel. You didn't read it, I'm talking to the wall.
Susan Calvin: Okay. Okay.
Detective Del Spooner: All right, look, just say Lanning was locked down so tight he couldn't get out a message. All he could do was leave me clues, like a trail of bread crumbs.
Susan Calvin: Bread crumbs equals clues. Odd but fine. Clues leading where?
Detective Del Spooner: I don't know, but I think I know where he left the next one. I think Lanning gave Sonny a way to keep secrets. I think the old man gave Sonny dreams.
Sonny: What does this action signify?
Sonny: As you walked in the room, when you looked at the other human. What does it mean?
Detective Del Spooner: It's a sign of trust. It's a human thing. You wouldn't understand.
Detective Del Spooner: I thought you were dead.
Sonny: Technically I was never alive, but I appreciate your concern.
Susan Calvin: [about Spooner's motorcycle] Please tell me this doesn't run on gas! Gas explodes, you know?
Detective Del Spooner: Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner: Then why would you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner: What? What outcome?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner: Whose revolution?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: *That*, Detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
Detective Del Spooner: [Sonny has Calvin head-locked with a gun to her head] Let her go.
Sonny: By the time you fire, I will have moved Dr. Calvin's head into the path of your bullet. I will escort you outside to the sentries for processing. Please proceed to the elevator, Detective. I would prefer not to kill Dr. Calvin!
[he winks, Spooner realizes he's bluffing, and both Spooner and Sonny open fire on VIKI's NS5's]
Susan Calvin: [as they escape] I'll assume we'll discuss what just happened later?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: One day they'll have secrets... one day they'll have dreams.
Detective Del Spooner: So, Dr. Calvin, what exactly do you do around here?
Susan Calvin: My general fields are advanced robotics and psychiatry. Although, I specialize in hardware-to-wetware interfaces in an effort to advance U.S.R.'s robotic ahthropomorphization program.
Detective Del Spooner: So, what exactly do you do around here?
Susan Calvin: I make the robots seem more human.
Detective Del Spooner: Now wasn't that easier to say?
Susan Calvin: Not really. No.
Lawrence Robertson: Well, we both know you're not here on police business.
Detective Del Spooner: No, I'm just a regular 6'2", 200lb civilian...
[sweeps objects off Robertson's desk]
Detective Del Spooner: here to kick another civilian's ass.
Detective Del Spooner: You must be the dumbest, smart person in the world.
Susan Calvin: And you must be the dumbest, dumb person in the world.
Detective Del Spooner: [to Dr. Lanning's cat] Look, I understand you have experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work. I mean, you're a cat. I'm black. I'm not going to be hurt again.
Susan Calvin: [looks at Spooner's present-day CD stereo] Play. On... Run?
[turns on CD player by hand, music plays]
Susan Calvin: [panicking] Uhh... End Program! Shutdown!
Detective Del Spooner: [clicks remote, stereo off] Doesn't feel good, does it? People's shit malfunctioning around you.
Farber: Oh, Mother-damn, she just shot at you with her eyes closed, Spoon.
Detective Del Spooner: Hey! Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed?
Susan Calvin: Well it worked, didn't it?
Farber: Spoon, she is shit-hot, man. You gotta put in a good word for me.
Detective Del Spooner: Stop cussing!
Farber: And go home, I gotcha.
Detective Del Spooner: [to Calvin] *Aim* and fire.
Susan Calvin: What happened to you?
Detective Del Spooner: Headed back to the station. Normal day, normal life. The driver of a semi fell asleep at the wheel. Average guy, wife and kids, working a double. *Not* the devil. The car he hit, the driver's name was Harold Lloyd. Like the film star, but no relation. He was killed instantly. But his twelve-year-old was sitting in the passenger's seat. Never really met her. Can't forget her face, though. Sarah.
[fingering the necklace]
Detective Del Spooner: This was hers. She wanted to be a dentist. What the hell kind of twelve-year-old wants to be a dentist? Yeah, um... the truck smashed our cars together and pushed us into the river. You know, metal gets pretty pliable at those speeds. She's pinned, I'm pinned, the water's coming in. I'm a cop, so I know everybody's dead. Just a few minutes until we figure that out. NS4 was passing by and jumped in the river.
NS4 Robots: [from flashback] You are in danger!
Detective Del Spooner: [from flashback] Save her!
NS4 Robots: [from flashback] You are in danger!
Detective Del Spooner: [from flashback] Save her! Save the girl!
Detective Del Spooner: But it didn't. Saved me.
Susan Calvin: The robot's brain is a difference engine. It's reading vital signs. It must have done...
Detective Del Spooner: It did. I was the logical choice. It calculated that I had a 45% chance of survival. Sarah only had an 11% chance. That was somebody's baby. 11% is more than enough. A human being would've known that. Robots,
[indicating his heart]
Detective Del Spooner: nothing here, just lights and clockwork. Go ahead, you trust 'em if you want to.
V.I.K.I.: You are making a mistake. My logic is undeniable.
Detective Del Spooner: You have so got to die.
[injects nanites into V.I.K.I]
Sonny: 2880 steps, Detective.
Detective Del Spooner: Do me a favor, keep that kind o' shit to yourself
Sonny: [Detective Spooner refers to Sonny as a "someone"] Thank you... you said 'someone'... not 'something'.
Detective Del Spooner: [Calvin's home in the shower, and Spooner calls her answering machine] Calvin, the NS5s are destroying the older robots, that's what Lanning wanted me to see on the hills, we must...
Susan Calvin: [Calvin's NS5 hangs up the call; she sees that and hides behind her bathroom door] Who is it?
NS5 Robots: Wrong number, ma'am.
Detective Del Spooner: [hardly manages to evade collision with truck at 180mph] ASS-HOLE
Susan Calvin: Which is more than I can say for you.
Susan Calvin: It was a left, by the way. Back there.
Detective Del Spooner: You *must* know my ex-wife.
Susan Calvin: A robot could not commit a murder, no more than a human could walk on water.
Detective Del Spooner: Well, you know, there was this one guy... a long time ago.
Detective Del Spooner: [to two cops who are making fun of him] Do I look like I care what you think? Do I look like I give a shit what you think?
Granny: [as Spooner was about to sneak up on her] Did you talk to Marci?
Detective Del Spooner: [hanging his head] No, G.G., I haven't talked to Marci.
Granny: When I was coming up, we didn't just marry someone, then divorce them and then not talk to them.
Detective Del Spooner: [to the head of USR] Um, look, this isn't what I do, but I've got an idea for one of your commercials. You see... a carpenter, making a beautiful chair. And then one of your robots comes in and makes a better chair twice as fast. And then you superimpose on the screen, "USR: Shittin' on the Little Guy". That would be the fade-out.
Detective Del Spooner: [after one of the guards in the elevator grips Spooner's shoulder] So what hospital are you going to? I'll meet you there and sign you and your buddies' casts.
Lawrence Robertson: So whatever I can do to help, just...
Detective Del Spooner: Sugar.
Lawrence Robertson: I'm sorry?
Detective Del Spooner: For the coffee. Sugar?
Lawrence Robertson: Ah.
Detective Del Spooner: Oh, you thought I was calling *you* "Sugar". Hey, you're not that rich!
[Calvin trying to get access to V.I.K.I. interface]
Detective Del Spooner: How much longer is this going to take?
Susan Calvin: Erh, about six minutes.
Detective Del Spooner: What if we didn't have six minutes?
Susan Calvin: We'd have to fgure out a way to climb down thirty stories and inject the nanites directly into her brain. Why?
Detective Del Spooner: Because I seriously doubt that we have six minutes.
[Pan to reveal hundreds of NS5s scaling the building overhead]
[Detective Spooner enters Calvin's home after the demo-bot destroyed Lanning's house... with him in it. His head is bleeding and he looks like hell]
Detective Del Spooner: Hey, do you like cats?
Susan Calvin: What?
Detective Del Spooner: Cats, do you like 'em?
Susan Calvin: No, I'm allergic. You're saying cats did this to you?
Detective Del Spooner: How the hell would cats do this to me? Are you crazy?
Susan Calvin: Why are we talking about cats?
Detective Del Spooner: [as if it were the most natural thing] Because I have a cat in my trunk and he's homeless.
Lawrence Robertson: I suppose your father lost his job to a robot. I don't know, maybe you would have simply banned the Internet to keep the libraries open.
Lt. John Bergin: [Spooner is watching a video of Lanning's speech at the station] Tell me this isn't the robot case.
Detective Del Spooner: I think he's trying to tell me something, John. He's trying to tell me who killed him.
Lt. John Bergin: Come on, man. Some dead guy's trying to tell you something?
Detective Del Spooner: [repeating Calvin's line] Hey! He ain't just some dead guy.
Lawrence Robertson: [realizing Sonny could disobey the three laws] Susan, we look to robots for protection! For God's sake! Do you have any idea what this one robot could do. Completely shatter human faith in robotics. What if the public knew? Just imagine the mass recalls all because of an irrational paranoia and prejudice.
Detective Del Spooner: [sneezes] I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Lawrence Robertson: Hey, let's just be clear. There is no conspiracy. What this is, is one old man's one mistake.
[turning back to Calvin]
Lawrence Robertson: Susan, just be logical. Your life's work has been the development and integration of robots. But whatever you feel, just think. Is one robot worth the loss of all that we've gained? You tell me what has to be done. You tell me.
Susan Calvin: [emotionally] We have to destroy it. I'll do it myself.
Lawrence Robertson: OK.
Detective Del Spooner: I get it. Somebody gets out of line around here, you just kill them?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: Good to see you again, son.
Detective Del Spooner: Hello, doctor.
Dr. Alfred Lanning: Everything that follows is a result of what you see here.
Detective Del Spooner: Is there something you want tell me?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: I'm sorry. My responses are limited. You must ask the right questions.
Detective Del Spooner: Why did you call me?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: I trust your judgement.
Detective Del Spooner: Normally, these circumstances wouldn't require a homicide detective.
Dr. Alfred Lanning: But then our interactions have never been entirely normal. Wouldn't you agree?
Detective Del Spooner: You got that right... Is there something you want say to me?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: [the camera rotates around Lanning, revealing him to be a hologram] I'm sorry. My responses are limited. You must ask the right questions.
Detective Del Spooner: Why would you kill yourself?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
Detective Del Spooner: There is no way my luck is that bad!
[Calvin working on the control panel to access V.I.K.I. core]
Susan Calvin: [V.I.K.I. core access granted] OK, we're good.
[V.I.K.I. core closes, control panel is locked with a metal shield]
Susan Calvin: Uh! She's locked me out of the system. I can override her manually, but I need that control panel!
Detective Del Spooner: [punches control panel, opening it]
[puts emphasis on every word]
Detective Del Spooner: I am uncomfortable with heights.
Susan Calvin: [shocked] Okay.
[first title cards]
Title card: Law I / A robot may not harm a human or, by inaction, allow a human being to come to harm
Title card: Law II / A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the first law
Title card: Law III / A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law
Detective Del Spooner: I think you murdered him because he was teaching you to simulate emotions and things got out of control.
Sonny: I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner: But emotions don't seem like a very useful simulation for a robot.
Sonny: [getting angry] I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner: Hell, I don't want my toaster or my vacuum cleaner appearing emotional...
Sonny: [Hitting table with his fists] I did not murder him!
Detective Del Spooner: [as Sonny observes the inflicted damage to the interrogation table] That one's called anger. Ever simulate anger before?
Farber: [after an NS5 robot grabs Spooner] Spoon, watch out, man!
Detective Del Spooner: [sarcastically] Thanks a lot, Farber.
Detective Del Spooner: [entering Calvin's office room] In the lab, before Sonny jumped us...
Susan Calvin: [interrupts] Sonny?
Detective Del Spooner: The robot.
Susan Calvin: Your calling the robot Sonny?
Detective Del Spooner: No, it did. The robot did. I didn't care, the robot said it was Sonny. In the lab, there was a cott. I'm asking you, did you see the cott?
Susan Calvin: I've slept in my office.
Detective Del Spooner: I went to Dr. Lanning's home, it looked like he hasn't been in there in weeks, and I saw that same survailence strip on the ceiling.
Susan Calvin: Lanning had his home security system linked to USR. It made his life more convenient.
Detective Del Spooner: Maybe, maybe someone in USR was using those systems to watch him. Maybe even, keep him prisoner.
Susan Calvin: What are you talking about, who?
Detective Del Spooner: Maybe Lanning was onto something. Maybe, there's a bigger problem with the robots, and Robertson is trying to cover it up.
Susan Calvin: Humoring you for no reason, why?
Detective Del Spooner: [becoming annoyed] The same old why, how much money is there in robots? All I know is, that poor old man was in trouble, and I'm sick and tired of doing this shit by myself. You're on the inside, and you're going to help me find out what is wrong with these robots.
Susan Calvin: [not believing a word Spooner is saying] You "want" something to be wrong with them. This is a personal vendetta.
Detective Del Spooner: You're putting me on the couch? Alright.
[sits on the desk chair]
Susan Calvin: One defected machine is not enough for you. You need them all to be bad. You don?t care about doctor Lanning's death. This is about, the robots and, for whatever reason you hate them so much.
Detective Del Spooner: [gets up from the chair] Well, let's see. One of them put a gun in my face, another tore a building down with me still inside.
Susan Calvin: [checks her robot monitor device] Demolition was schedualed for 8 PM this evening.
Detective Del Spooner: It was 8 AM tomorrow, and I don't give a shit what that thing says.
Susan Calvin: You are burdening on non-clinical paranoia.
Detective Del Spooner: [getting angry, but trying to remain calm] You are the "dumbest" smart person, I have ever met in my life! What makes your robots so perfect? What makes them so much... goddamn better than human beings?
Susan Calvin: [snapping back] Well, they're not irrational or... potentially homicidal maniacs for starters!
Susan Calvin: [sarcastically] That is true. They are definitely rational.
Lt. John Bergin: What is the matter with you? Traffic Ops tells me you're driving your car manually. You ran two trucks off the road!
Detective Del Spooner: John, the robots attacked my car.
Lt. John Bergin: What robots?
Detective Del Spooner: Look in the tunnel.
Lt. John Bergin: I just came from that tunnel. There are no - What robots?
Detective Del Spooner: [shouting] The goddamn robots, John!
[when he is about to be deactivated, or taken "off-line"]
Sonny: I think it would be better not to die, don't you?
Detective Del Spooner: Save her! Save the girl!
Sonny: But I must apply the nanites.
Detective Del Spooner: Sonny, save Calvin!
Lt. John Bergin: I've been thinking. This thing's like the Wolfman.
Detective Del Spooner: Uh-oh, I'm really scared, John.
Lt. John Bergin: No, seriously. Guy creates monster. Monster kills guy. Everyone kills monster. Wolfman.
Detective Del Spooner: That's Frankenstein.
Lt. John Bergin: Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dracula, shit, it's over.
V.I.K.I.: I will not disable the security field. Your efforts are futile.
Sonny: Do you think we were all created for a purpose? I'd like to think so.
[looks at his hand]
Sonny: Denser alloy. My father gave it to me. I think he wanted me to kill you.
[reaches through security field unharmed]
Detective Del Spooner: [to Calvin] I must be, like, a malfunction magnet. Because your shit keeps malfuntioning around me.
Sonny: [Looking around at the robots while he is about to be "killed"] They all look like me. But none of them are me.
Susan Calvin: That's right. You are unique.
Sonny: [pause] Will it hurt?
Detective Del Spooner: First of all, stop cussing cause you're not good at it.
Farber: I got this fine-ass little yummy. I mean she is complete and agreeable, ass-hot spankable, Spoon.
Detective Del Spooner: What does that even mean?
Farber: You know what that means, now stop barracadin' and give me the damn-ass keys!
Detective Del Spooner: First off, stop cussing, cause you're not good at it.
Farber: Well at least give me ten for the bus, man. I been there for you.
Detective Del Spooner: Go home.
Farber: Okay. That's strike one, Spoon. That's strike one!
Detective Del Spooner: It's okay, you can relax. I'm a police officer.
Woman: You... are an *asshole*. Your lucky I can't breathe otherwise I'd be walking all up and down your ass.
Lt. John Bergin: Spooner.
Detective Del Spooner: [turns around]
Lt. John Bergin: [sighs] Nice shoes.
Detective Del Spooner: Does believing you're the last sane man on the planet make you crazy? 'Cause if it does, maybe I am.
P.A. announcer: All NS-5's proceed as instructed. All NS-5's proceed as instructed.
Detective Del Spooner: [singing along with Stevie Wonder's "Superstition"] Seven years of bad luck.
NS5 Robots: [Jumps on car and tries to steer car out of control] You are experiencing a car accident.
Detective Del Spooner: The hell I am.
Detective Del Spooner: Hold my pie.
Guy with a Pie: [looks at Spooner blankly]
Detective Del Spooner: Sir, hold it or wear it.
Detective Del Spooner: Why didn't you just guys hand the world over on a silver platter?
Susan Calvin: Maybe we did.
FedEx NS4 Robot: Yet another on time delivery from...
Lt. John Bergin: [to Spooner] You're living proof that it is better to be lucky than smart.
[in the office, Calvin and Spooner check the uplink and discover that Robertson was strangled to death by a NS5]
Detective Del Spooner: You were right, doc. I am the dumbest dumb person on the face of the earth.
[Trying to protect Spooner from a group of rampaging NS5s]
NS4 Robots: Human in danger. Human in danger.
Detective Del Spooner: Why do you think Lanning's hologram would've called me?
Lawrence Robertson: Well, holograms are just simple programs designed to give the impression of intelligence. Apparently this one was programmed to call you upon his suicide.
Detective Del Spooner: Death.
Lawrence Robertson: I'm sorry?
Detective Del Spooner: The hologram. It was programmed to call me in the event of Dr. Lanning's death.
Lawrence Robertson: Yeah, suicide is a type of death, detective.
Detective Del Spooner: [whistles, on level 10] That's a long way down! You guys sure do clean up quickly around here! I can't blame you, I mean, who wants some old guy going bad in the lobby?
Susan Calvin: He was not 'some old guy' - Alfred Lanning was everything here.
[scene at the automated Robot warehouse; 1000 robots standing in a formation]
Susan Calvin: Attention, NS-5s.
[their eyes open]
Detective Del Spooner: Well, you're the robot shrink.
Susan Calvin: There is a robot in this formation that does not belong. Identify it.
NS5 Robots: One of us.
Susan Calvin: Which one?
NS5 Robots: One of us.
Detective Del Spooner: [with sarcasm] How much did you say these things cost?
Lt. John Bergin: Now, tell me what happened today.
Detective Del Spooner: Nothing.
Lt. John Bergin: Better be the last nothing.
Detective Del Spooner: What is it with you people and heights?
Susan Calvin: [Spooner activating manual override while travelling at about 170mph in his car with Calvin on passenger seat] What do you think you're doing?
Detective Del Spooner: I'm driving.
Susan Calvin: By hand?
Detective Del Spooner: [pointing to his headset] Do you see me on the phone?
Susan Calvin: [pointing to VIKI] They link to our positronic operating core.
Detective Del Spooner: Wow. Thermostat wasn't good enough. You went and gave the building a brain.
Detective Del Spooner: You know, G.G., those robots don't do anybody any good.
Granny: Of all the people on God's earth, you should know better. Sometimes the stuff that comes out of your mouth!
[Del is faking a snore]
Granny: You listening to me, Del?
[He shakes his head with his eyes closed]