50 First Dates (2004)
Henry: It's gonna be alright, Luce.
Lucy: [to Henry] Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.
Marlin: Sweetie, you're sorta dating him.
Lucy: [Lucy looks at Henry]
Henry: Sorry I'm not better looking.
Henry: Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?
Henry: Appreciate your time. Not everybody would have stopped like you. You're real sweet.
Lucy: Oh, yeah. Thank you.
[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car]
Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!
Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...
Henry: Oh... I'm so sorry. I was just joking around.
Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT!
Young Woman: So, you must be Lucy's friend. The one who made the tape.
Lucy: I think he's more than my friend. You're my boyfriend, right?
Henry: Yes, ma'am.
Stacy: So every day you help her to realize what happened and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it... then you get her to fall in love with you again?
Henry: Yes, ma'am.
Stacy: [softly, almost beneath her breath] Gosh!
[a longing sigh, then back slaps her husband's chest right over his heart]
Stacy: You asshole! You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.
Jennifer: [everyone breaks out in laughter] You're in trouble!
[even more laughter]
Jennifer: I gotta go tinkle.
[at the Callahan Institute]
Security Guard 1: Hey Lucy, good to see you again!
[Lucy walks by quietly]
Security Guard 1: What the hell's her problem?
Security Guard 2: She doesn't remember who you are, brah.
Security Guard 1: Oh yeah, I suck at this job!
[to his children]
Ula: You kids suck; you're good at everything!
[Henry is pretending to cry to get Lucy's attention]
Lucy: I wonder what's the matter with him.
Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.
Lucy: Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that! And that! And that!
Henry: You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough.
Lucy: Are you okay?
Lucy: Okay, I'll be right back. Hey! Come here!
Henry: No, no, no. I think he's had enough. I'm sorry.
Ula: My eye!
Henry: You got him!
Lucy: Not good enough.
Ula: Oh, Kamehameha!
Henry: He learned his lesson!
Henry: [after Ula speaks in Hawaiian] Thanks buddy. What does it mean, again?
Ula: Bring me back a t-shirt
Ula: Hey! Kikikuloa! No flippies off the dock! You could get hurt! Let the Master show you how it's done.
[after doing a painful belly flop off a dock]
Ula: One of you kids go down there and find my nuts!
Dr. Keats: [to Marlin] Sometimes I wish my wife had Goldfield Syndrome. That way she wouldn't remember last night when I called her mother a loud, obnoxious drunk with a face like J. Edgar Hoover's ass.
Lucy: What are you doing?
Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you...
Lucy: You were going for a feelski!
Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the twenty third time we've made out already and... they're getting blue!
Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?
Henry: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaiian contest?
Doug: I didn't know there wath gonna be a urine tethst.
Lucy: [to Henry] Did we have sex?
[Marlin and Doug look at Henry]
Henry: No, we didn't. Just so everyone knows
[Marlin and Doug turn away]
Henry: We want to!
[Marlin and Doug look again]
Henry: Just kidding.
Henry: Okay, this is her. Start beating me up. Make it look good.
Ula: Give me your wallet. Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island, eat our pineapple.
Henry: Help me! Not so hard. Take it easy.
Ula: Try to bang our women. Making my sister clean your hotel room.
Henry: Okay. What does that have to do with this? Relax. Hey! Hey! Help me, please!
Ula: Stupid haole!
Henry: See what happens when you play with sharks.
Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts.
Old Hawaiian Man: Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.
Henry: Settle down and eat your pancakes, huh.
Old Hawaiian Man: [about Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.
Henry: Ha ha ha. Shut up!
Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.
Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.
Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.
Henry: That's my joke.
Update Video: April: Snoop quits weed.
Update Video: May: Snoop back on weed.
Henry: Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt, but I notice we were both eating alone and I thought perhaps I could sit with you, maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi for your waffle house?
Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.
Henry: You're making up a boyfriend so you can get rid of me?
Lucy: No. I'm not.
Henry: What's his name then?
Henry: Is his last name, Starr?
Lucy: No. McCartney.
Henry: The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an asshole!
Henry: [starts singing off key to "Wouldn't It Be Nice", then breaks out in tears] WHY would you do this to me?
Henry: [leans against the boat wheel and sobs] Oh my god, is he trying to tell me something?
Jet Skiier: [Henry jumps on a jet ski] What the hell is wrong with you?
Henry: Just keep going, I'll give you twenty dollars.
Jet Skiier: You got it. How's your balls?
Henry: Killing me. Hit it.
Henry: Can I ask you guys something? What's gonna happen down the line? Someday she's gonna wake up and look in the mirror and notice her face's aged ten years overnight.
Marlin: You know something, Henry? I worry about that every day of my damn life.
Henry: Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that!
Ula: How do you think I get the dolphins to do double-flips and play with the white kids?
Henry: [on First Date #1] You know, why don't you try this? It's a kind of hinge.
Lucy: Now, why didn't I think of that?
Henry: You're too close to the object. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Lucy: You're right. Sometimes you need an outsider's perspective.
Henry: Fresh eye never hurts.
Lucy: I'm Lucy.
Henry: Yes. I'm Henry Roth. Nice to meet you.
Lucy: Nice to meet you.
Henry: [to Penguin] Okay, pal. When she stops, just let her pet you. Look cute. Go to the middle of the road. Thank you. Right there. Perfect.
Lucy: Oh, shit.
Henry: Here she comes. Smile. Where is she? Oh, my God! Oh no! Okay that didn't work. Shit your pants? So did I!
Ten Second Tom: Aren't you a little old to still have wet dreams?
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom!
Henry: [on video] The part of you for this reenactment will be played by my good friend, Ula.
Ula: [on video] Aloha. Sorry about your brain.
Nick: [on video] Since you lost your memory, I became governor of Hawaii. No, just kidding. I'm too smart.
Ula: Really? Even though in 10-15 years she could possibly let herself go and then sex would be like, nauseating, for you?
Henry: What, are you nuts? Your wife's right over there.
Ula: I'm just kidding, Muumuu!
Doug: [to Henry] Well, I may not able to kick your ath but my thithter thure can.
Henry: Remember to use a condom, or in your case, a Hefty bag.
Ula's Kid: Hey, Dad.
Ula: Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau.
Ula's Kid: But your stitches are bleeding.
[while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: It must have been my huge back swing. You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
Ula: Come on, I need some details. You get some booby, some assy, a pull on your poi-poi? Come on.
Ula's Kid: Daddy, what's a nympho?
Ula: Uh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio.
Henry: You're the state idiot of Hawaii.
Dr. Keats: Tom lost part of his brain in a hunting accident. His memory only lasts ten seconds.
Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.
Ten Second Tom: Get over it? I mean, what happened? Did I get shot in the brain... Hi. I'm Tom.
Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.
Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.
Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.
Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.
Henry: Thank you.
Doug: How long'th it going to take?
Henry: Uh... about a year.
Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.
Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.
Marlin: What are you trying to say?
Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.
Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?
Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: "Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."
Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?
Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?
Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.
Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.
Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.
Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.
Doug: Very funny.
Ula: [dressed up as Lucy, with a coconut bra on] Aquariums make me super horny!
Ula's Kid: What's wrong with that turtle?
Henry: He has lung problems cause he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right Ula?
Ula: What? I don't smoke weed.
Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore... would you consider that like a binding promise?
Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things.
Alexa: For example. If I promised a woman's father I would not see her... I would simply shut my eyes, while she serviced my manhood.
[Jocko the walrus, slaps his face]
Henry: That's actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way.
[Alexa's smile drops]
Lucy: [to Doug and Marlin] I can't believe it... Bruce Willis is a ghost!
Lucy: I don't know who you are, Henry... but I dream about you almost every night.
Henry: What would you say if I told you that notebook you read every day used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?
Lucy: I would say that that makes a lot of sense.
Henry: You erased me from your memories because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life. But you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams... and apparently, I'm the man of yours.
Lucy: [barely able to contain herself, she reaches out and shakes his hand] Henry. It's nice to meet you.
Henry: Lucy, it's nice to meet you too.
Ten Second Tom: [just as they are about to kiss] Hi, I'm Tom!
Man: [on phone] Henry Roth...
Linda: Henry Roth, why didn't you tell me you were a secret agent?
Caddy: [to Ula] That was the stupidest looking swing I've ever seen.
Henry: Wait, uh... What is going on? I was kidding around with you! What's happening here? Is she crazy or something?
Sue: Lucy is a very special person. Very different from other people.
Sue: About a year ago, Lucy was in a terrible car accident. She and her father went up North Shore to get a pineapple. Her Father broke some ribs, but Lucy suffered a serious head injury. She lost her short term memory.
Henry: So she can't remember anything?
Sue: No, no, no. She has all of her long term memory. That's a different part of the brain. Her whole life, up to the night before the accident, she remembers. She just can't retain any new information. It's like her slate gets wiped clean every night while she sleeps.
Henry: Hold on, here. This sounds like something I would tell a psycho girl so she would stop calling me. Am I the psycho girl?
Sue: I wish I was making this up! She has no memory that she ever met you.
Henry: What about the pineapple thing?
Sue: She says that every day, because each morning she wakes up thinking it's October thirteenth of last year. She comes here for breakfast because that's what she did on Sundays, and October thirteenth was a Sunday. She has no idea it's more than a year later.
Henry: She reads the newspaper though.
Sue: It's a special paper her Father puts on their porch every night. It's from the day of her accident. He got hundreds of them printed up. Lucy does the same thing everyday.
Dr. Keats: And now ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce you to our most distinguished clinical subject: Tom
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.
Ten Second Tom: Hi. Oh, those are cool flip flops. Where did you get them?
Doug: You like those? It's interesting story. I was over on the North Shore the other day...
Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.
Ten Second Tom: Hi.
Henry: Jocko, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Jocko.
Lucy: Wow! Thank you. Nice to meet you. He is awesome! He is so smart.
Henry: Check this out. Jocko, what does the teapot do when the water's ready? Very good.
Lucy: Hey, can I ask him a question?
Henry: Go ahead.
Lucy: Jocko, do you think that Henry and I are ready to take our relationship to the next level? You sure about that? And do you think that I should bring him into the other room and take advantage of him? I saw that hand gesture. And I'm glad you did it.
Henry: [to Lucy] Good morning. Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey. Okay, I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but we are actually seeing each other.
Patient #1: Do you know who that guy is?
Patient #2: Dude, I don't even know who I am.
Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.
Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.
Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?
Henry: Um, I guess.
[Doug grabs the box]
Marlin: [to Doug] Okay, okay, okay! Enough with the titty dance!
Dr. Keats: Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up, but she'll be okay. She's watching the tape as we speak.
Henry: Good. How's my temporal lobe looking there, Doc?
Dr. Keats: Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short term memory loss. But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?
Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!
Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That's the 'roids talking.
[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]
Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.
Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?
Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country.
Henry: Were you gonna eat that?
Young Woman: So tell me. How was Hawaii?
Tan Friend: It was unbelievable.
Young Woman: Oh yeah? What happened?
Tan Friend: I met this guy.
Red Head: [on the phone] It was the best week of my life.
Doug: [flexing his pecs in the mirror] Hey Trathie, how you doin'? Yeah, well things changed thince high thcool.
Alexa: I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.
Alexa: Shut up, because here comes one-time only opportunity. What I will do now is go into your office and become naked.
[Jocko the seal gives a disgusted growl]
Alexa: Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was... but yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment.
[Snaps her neck]
Henry: I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys.
Henry: And why is your foot on my pillow?
Ula: Sorry brah
[removes to reveal a dirty footprint and brushes it off, then sits on the pillow]
Henry: And I don't want your ass on it either!
Dr. Keats: Sometimes I wish my wife had Goldfield Syndrome. That way she wouldn't remember last night when I called her mother, a loud obnoxious drunk with a face like J. Edgar Hoover's ass.
Blonde in Office: When I asked for his phone number, he told me he's...
Woman #1: Married.
Woman #2: Gay.
Blonde in Office: I'll never forget my week...
Woman #1: ...With Henry Roth.
Red Head: [on phone] Henry Roth
Woman in Car: Harry. Harry Paratesticles.
Henry: I need you to get me two fish from the barrel. Now.
Henry: Just hang in there.
Henry: It's gonna be alright. That's a little warm. Go to the bottom of the barrel please. Okay, there. That's good. Thank you. Come on, buddy. Take it. Take it.
Alexa: He's not responding!
Henry: I know, Alexa! Sorry I smacked you with that. You needed the fish-slap to calm down. Do you understand?
Henry: Are you calm?
Alexa: Yes. Fish-slap calm me.
Henry: Okay, well, I had a great time.
Lucy: Me too.
Lucy: Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time? Because I teach art class at ten.
Henry: Oh, really?
Henry: I wish I could make it, but, yes, I will be there.
Lucy: Take care.
Lucy: One for the road. It is fishy.
Henry: Got you good. Aloha.
Henry: See you tomorrow. Oh, my God.
Lucy: Oh, my goodness.
Henry: Shit. I had a bee on me.
Henry: It was a big one.
Old Hawaiian Man: [talks in Hawaiian] Which means "look at those two shit heads".
Ula: Dude, I met this sexy blonde tax attorney from Florida at Starbucks today. I told her you the kahuna she wanna have fun on this island. You want her number?
Henry: You pimping tourists for me again, Ula?
Ula: Yes! I live vicariously through you, remember? My life sucks. Now, come on give her the Waikikiki sneaky behind the cheeky.
Henry: Actually I'm not drunk at all, Noreen, and neither are you, because there's no alcohol in these drinks. Sadly, I've used this technique many times. It helps lovely tourists such as yourself loosen up without impairing your ability to stay awake all night and have guilt free vigorous sex with me.
Henry: I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking of you the whole time.
Lucy: Okay, pervert. I think that you should leave.
Henry: What? I was just joking around because of what we talked about yesterday
Lucy: Yesterday? I've never even met you.
Lucy: [spoken] And you don't look a day over twenty five.
Marlin: Yeah, right. And Doug's muscles aren't pharmaceutically enhanced.
Doug: What are you talking about? I use a herb supplement that can be purchased at any health food store. Check this out. Check out these glutes. Rock hard, baby. Pretty sweet, huh.
Marlin: Stop it! You're gonna make me throw up on the cake.
Ula: You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt.
Henry: She's got brain damage, you psycho.
Ula: Okay, I'll give you that one. But I think it'd be healthy for you. You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl for many years.
Henry: I appreciate your interest Ula, but leave me alone.
Ula: Hey, you'd be doing exactly what her father does: Giving her a wonderful day. Then when it's time for you to go on your big boat trip, poof, you just leave. She'll never even know you're gone.
Henry: See I'm not sure about the "poofing" part, because I'm not a very big poofer. Could you demonstrate a good poof for me.
Ula: Quit busting my coconuts for five seconds.
Henry: Alright. Would you stop poofing on that joint and do some work!
Ula: Okay. Let's get this sucker ready. Then we're gonna take her out for a spin.
Henry: [to Lucy] I drew this, it's a picture of a father and son fishing off a fishing boat.
[Lucy speaks in Hawaiian]
Henry: You don't speak English.
Lucy: [to Henry] I just want to eat you up tomorrow and the next day.
Doug: [to Henry] Anything with Lucy is a one night stand, numb nuts.
Henry: Hi. Sorry for the delay. Should be a few minutes.
Lucy: No problem. No worries.
Henry: Where are you coming form? Breakfast?
Henry: How was it?
Lucy: I had waffles. They were delicious.
Henry: I like making little houses out of waffles.
Lucy: You do?
Henry: That's my thing. What's your name?
Henry: Hi, I'm Henry.
Doug: Is this the guy?
Marlin: Yeah. Mr. Roth, I have one simple request. Stay away from my daughter.
Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] Absolutely. I just, I think I hurt her feelings and I don't want it to end like that.
Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!
[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]
Henry: Calm down, little fella!
Doug: I'm gonna kill you. You're a dead man. Okay I'm calm! I'm calm!
Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I siped on it a fwell.
Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.
Doug: Cheap shot, Dad.
Henry: I'll see ya around.
Lucy: Really? That's it?
Henry: That's what?
Lucy: All that flirting and phony "I can't read" stuff, and then you're not gonna ask me out or for my phone number?
Henry: I can't read.
Lucy: Oh, shut up. That was one of the goofiest things I've ever seen in my life, but I thought, "Hey, if this guy is so desperate to meet me, he might be worth talking to." But then I get stiffed.
Henry: No, no, no, this is what happened. I...
Lucy: Mahalo for the ego boost.
[drives off leaving Henry sputtering]
Henry: [to Jocko] I'm gonna miss you buddy, but I gotta get the hell off this island.
Marlin: You sure you don't want to take Doug with you?
Henry: Hey! What the heck are you guys doing here?
Henry: I just want to try something that will help her remember me.
Ula: [Ula falls through the deck of Henry's boat up to his chest] I think I pulled out my stitches again.
Ula: Hey, did you get a cat? Because I feel something licking me...
Henry: Officer, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Police Officer: I don't.
Dr. Keats: Callahan Institute is the leading brain injury clinic in the Pacific Rim. We are funded out of Sandusky Ohio by T.B. Callahan, the automotive components tycoon...