Vlad: Have you ever experimented with heterosexuality?
Michael: What? You mean sleep with a straight guy? What for?
Bert: I'm gonna call it off.
Glen: I think you'd better.
Bert: Fritzi, what in the hell are you doing here?
Fritzi: Well I... I knew you'd be discussing stopping the show and I just thought how disappointed all the kids would be after...
Bert: You scheming little bitch!
Fritzi: Oh please! I'm a child.
Bert: If you think for one...
Fritzi: Oh save the speech, rummy. She's fucked, I'm ready, and the goddamn show must go on. So let's get cracking, shall we?
Ellen: When I was eight years old I told my dad that I wanted to take an acting class. He said, "There are five billion people in this world, if one-tenth of 1% of them wanted to be actors, that would still be five million people. Do you really think you're prettier than five million people? You're not even the prettiest girl in your class."
Vlad: I think you're very pretty.
Ellen: Thirty foot rule?
Spitzer: What's that?
Ellen: Means Michael has to stay thirty feet away from him until we find out if he's straight or gay.
Jill: Don't worry. You're only a few pounds heavier then Ellen.
Spitzer: I think I've met your sister, Cinderella.
Director: Now, do it again. And try not to screw up the blocking this time, eyes, eyes, nostrils, silent scream!
Jenna: I have to go to the bathroom.
Director: Piss in the dumpster! Again!
Jill: Are you new?
Fritzi: No, I was here last year. Don't you remember me?
[on her negative]
Fritzi: We were in 'Night, Mother together.
Spitzer: My junior prom I stayed home with a roll of cookie dough and TV-Land.
Shaun: I watched my junior prom from outside in the bushes for three hours.
Spitzer: Oh, that's so Stella Dallas!
[scene opens on Dee, Shaun and Company singing "How Shall I See You Through My Tears"]
[as singing continues, scene shifts to Vlad in his bedroom]
Vlad: To all the critics out there, I know they're gonna review this, and I know they're gonna try to knock me - is it OK if I say this to the camera, Amber? - Okay. I only am who I am 'cause I was born that way. I have a gift, and I'm trying not to be selfish about it, but to use it. Okay? If you're gonna knock me for that, that's your problem. Jealousy will get you nowhere. And I'm gonna keep rockin' on.
[scene returns to singing cast, then shifts to Ellen's bathroom]
Ellen's Brother: Ellen, what's the matter with you? Don't tell Mom I'm taking you to your stupid junior prom.
Ellen: [in shower] Get out of here!
Ellen's Brother: Your brother - how gross is that! Come on!
Ellen: They don't know you're my brother. Please Ben you have to - I'll pay you.
Ellen's Brother: Find someone who's not related to you. Loser.
[scene shifts to Michael, in drag, attempting to enter his prom - the teacher rips up his ticket and he's beaten up by fellow students - Michael dreams himself back to the cast singing "How Shall I See You Through My Tears"]
Vlad: Well, now that camp's over - almost over - and we live kind of close to each other I was hoping that... we can go out sometime.
Michael: I *know* you're not asking girlfriend out for a date after all this.
Vlad: If she'll forgive me.
Michael: This boy not only has cajones, but he's got burritos and huevos rancheros too.
Ellen: [to Vlad] Okay.
Ellen: I'll go out with you.
Michael: Ellen, you're like some Jenny Jones guest!
Ellen: Michael, eventually I have to start hanging out with boys who don't wear dresses. I thought we came here to go swimming.
Ellen: You coming in?
Vlad: It's pretty cold.
Ellen: I'll take my chances.
[they jump in lake]
Ellen: It's not that cold.
Vlad: It's freezing.
Ellen: Don't be a girl - leave that to Michael.
[Michael jumps in lake]
Michael: You two are like a bad car wreck - I wash my hands of the both of you.
Ellen: Oh yeah?
Michael: Oh it's cold! Quit splashing!
[scene shifts to the cast singing "The Want of a Nail"]
Vlad: Sometimes it's nice not to be special. Sometimes it's nice to listen to what everyone else listens to. Just to be normal for once.
Vlad: I'm an asshole! And I don't know... I just love attention. I'm an attention junkie I guess. Awww... Why do I do shit like that?
Bert: [addressing Fritzi] I've been watching you and you are a scary little girl. There's nothin' you can't do if you put your mind to it.
Vlad: [sitting on Michael, jokingly] So, do you forgive me?
Michael: If I forgive you, will you get off of me?
Michael: Then, no.
Bert: [addressing Glen] But I'll tell you something. They're a bunch of little freaks. And the more normal we try to make them, the more lonely and isolated they're gonna feel.
Bert: If I can teach you one thing, which is supposed to be my job here. It'd be that you should all go home.
Bert: Michael Bennett's dead. Bob Fosse is dead. Times Square is a theme park now.
Bert: I hate to be the Grinch, but it's not normal what goes on up here. Somebody has got to warn you.
Bert: Teenage faghags become adult faghags. Straight boys are straight. You can't turn 'em just because you need to be loved.
Bert: The foundation that's being laid here is not going to help you in the real world.
Bert: It's going to lead to waitressing jobs and bitterness and the obsessive, pointless collecting of out-of-print original cast albums.