4.2/10
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9 user 4 critic

Mail Order Bride (2003)

R | | Comedy | 31 October 2003 (USA)
When Toni discovers several of his men have been scammed by a Russian mail-order bride who?s escaped back to Russia, he decides to send his troublesome nephew, Anthony Santini to bring back... See full summary »
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Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
...
Tony Santini
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Anthony Santini
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Nina
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Tommy
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Ivan
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Tootie (as Vinnie Pastore)
Raymond Serra ...
Robber
Frank Bongiorno ...
Willie the Whiner (as Frankie Bongiorno)
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Gina (as Marilyn Papa)
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Jackie the Viking
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Pavel
...
No. 1 Guy in Russian Mafia
Liza Zavaruyeva ...
Nina's Sister
Yuriy Dumchev ...
Driver
...
Buddha
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Storyline

When Toni discovers several of his men have been scammed by a Russian mail-order bride who?s escaped back to Russia, he decides to send his troublesome nephew, Anthony Santini to bring back the girl and the money. Only, Anthony Santini can?t seem to get the mob thing right. Written by Anonymous

Plot Summary | Plot Synopsis

Genres:

Comedy

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for language and some sexual content | See all certifications »
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Details

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Language:

Release Date:

31 October 2003 (USA)  »

Also Known As:

The Russian Job  »

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User Reviews

 
Was this thing made by complete morons?
9 December 2006 | by (Toronto, ON.) – See all my reviews

Even by the straight-to-video, D movie standards, "Mail Order Bride" is simply too preposterous for words. Wow! I thought I've seen some crap in my time, but there's simply no preparing for this turd shower.

From one of the lamest plots in the history of American cinema over to the fact I've heard more authentic-sounding dialogue in many porn flicks, the English language may not be descriptive enough to convey how horrendous this stinker really is.

How do obviously horrible movies like this one get made? Even if I can somehow grasp the misguided motivation of Robert Capelli Jr., an apparent self delusional NYC goombah turned not only actor, but also screenwriter and director, I'm truly at a loss when it comes to understanding the money trail. Taking the production over to Russia and shooting on location in Moscow couldn't have been cheap - surely someone must have put up some major cash to make that happen. Who are these wonderful benefactors? Who looked at this script, agreed with the assertion about it "possessing some big-screen potential" and forked over a certain amount of dough? And how many others repeated the above sequence in one way or another?

I demand answers! There really should be some kind of tangible punishment for enabling film-making this maladroit.

Burying this piece of garbage in limited video release isn't enough. Public tarring and feathering of every single person who made "Mail Order Bride" financially possible is the least punishment these heinous enablers should have to endure.

PS: Artie Lange and Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling ought to pick their drinking and/or drug buddies more carefully. I can believe Jackie really did need the money back in 2003 to supplement his chochkie selling income, but what was Artie's excuse for being in this. Committing to movies while intoxicated is definitely not a good idea.


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