Mail Order Bride (2003)

User Rating:

4.2/10   

Directors:

Robert Capelli Jr.
Jeffrey Wolf

Writers:

Doug Bollinger (writer)
Robert Capelli Jr. (writer)

Genre:

Comedy

Plot:

Plot Keywords:

Moscow Russia | Russian Mafia | Mail Order Bride | Mobster

Cast

Danny Aiello	...	Tony Santini
Robert Capelli Jr.	...	Anthony Santini
Ivana Milicevic	...	Nina
Artie Lange	...	Tommy
Slava Schoot	...	Ivan
Vincent Pastore	...	Tootie (as Vinnie Pastore)
Raymond Serra	...	Robber
Frank Bongiorno	...	Willie the Whiner (as Frankie Bongiorno)
Marilyn J. Papa	...	Gina (as Marilyn Papa)
Jackie Martling	...	Jackie the Viking
Steven Ogg	...	Pavel
Aleksandr Yakovlev	...	No. 1 Guy in Russian Mafia
Liza Zavaruyeva	...	Nina's Sister
Yuri Dumchev	...	Driver
Kamal Ahmed	...	Buddha

MPAA:

Rated R for language and some sexual content.

Runtime:

USA:84 min

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Sound Mix:

Dolby SR

Certification:

Germany:6 | Spain:13 | USA:R

Company:

Baxter Films

Was this thing made by complete morons?

Even by the straight-to-video, D movie standards, "Mail Order Bride" is simply too preposterous for words. Wow! I thought I've seen some crap in my time, but there's simply no preparing for this turd shower.

From one of the lamest plots in the history of American cinema over to the fact I've heard more authentic-sounding dialogue in many porn flicks, the English language may not be descriptive enough to convey how horrendous this stinker really is.

How do obviously horrible movies like this one get made? Even if I can somehow grasp the misguided motivation of Robert Capelli Jr., an apparent self delusional NYC goombah turned not only actor, but also screenwriter and director, I'm truly at a loss when it comes to understanding the money trail. Taking the production over to Russia and shooting on location in Moscow couldn't have been cheap - surely someone must have put up some major cash to make that happen. Who are these wonderful benefactors? Who looked at this script, agreed with the assertion about it "possessing some big-screen potential" and forked over a certain amount of dough? And how many others repeated the above sequence in one way or another?

I demand answers! There really should be some kind of tangible punishment for enabling film-making this maladroit.

Burying this piece of garbage in limited video release isn't enough. Public tarring and feathering of every single person who made "Mail Order Bride" financially possible is the least punishment these heinous enablers should have to endure.

PS: Artie Lange and Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling ought to pick their drinking and/or drug buddies more carefully. I can believe Jackie really did need the money back in 2003 to supplement his chochkie selling income, but what was Artie's excuse for being in this. Committing to movies while intoxicated is definitely not a good idea.