|Page 1 of 2:|| |
|Index||16 reviews in total|
My colleagues at work often question my taste in film: they cannot
understand why I waste my time championing low budget horror when I
could be watching the latest blockbuster to wow the masses at the local
multiplex. After watching Aquanoids, I'm beginning to wonder why I
Set on a small island off the Californian coast, Aquanoids stars Laura Nativo as Vanessa, a beautiful diver who, after being attacked by a hideous fish-man, attempts to warn the locals of the danger that lurks in the surrounding waters. This upsets the nasty officials of the island, who are afraid that Vanessa will scare away tourists and upset plans for the building of a shopping complex.
A shoddy mish-mash of themes and ideas stolen from the likes of Jaws, Humanoids From The Deep, and The Creature From The Black Lagoon, Aquanoids is absolutely awful in almost every way imaginable: the direction is clumsy and amateurish; the script is childish, poorly written, and highly unoriginal; the editing shows no hint of restraint, utilising every gimmicky fade, wipe and split-screen effect possible; the monster make-up and gore is cheap and laughable; the special effects are unconvincing; and the acting is uniformly awful. Even some welcome female nudity cannot stop this one from being a total waste of time.
Whilst watching this lamentable mess, I noticed that one character had the surname McClure, whilst another was named Brucepossible references to actor Doug McClure (from Humanoids From The Deep) and Bruce the Shark (from Jaws). There is also a scene where several characters discuss their favourite watery monster movies, mentioning Deep Star Six, Leviathan, Tentacles, Alligator 2 and Roger Corman in the process. This leads me to believe that the makers of Aquanoids are genuine fans of horror and B-movies. If this is the case, then those involved should hang their heads in shame for giving us this abysmal addition to the genre.
Very poor, ameraturish, and incompetent monster movie about a small community that gets attacked by killer humanoid-esque creatures living in aquatic caves. Some decent gore, but the film is so poorly made that it's hard to enjoy. Don't bother watching this film, it is boring, slow, and sports some really bad acting. What a shame. Could have been THE monster movie of 2003.
OK, it's obvious the budget on this movie wasn't huge...or big...or
enough even, but I'm a sucker for rubber-suit monster flicks and
Aquanoids delivers. It's shot well and the sound is clean most of the
time. Some things don't make much sense, but it's about sea monsters,
so leave your disbelief at the door, make some popcorn and give the DVD
If you think the old Doctor Who episodes are too schlocky looking, or the monsters in Space 1999 ruin the plot line, then this movie probably isn't for you.
If you want some gore, nudity, an above average for this type of movie plot and a cool looking monster than you'll probably enjoy Aquanoids. I'm not saying to run out and buy it, but it certainly worth an online rental for monster fans.
Well l always thought that "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was the worst film
ever made but compared to "Aquanoids" it's an epic.
"Aquanoids" is truly awful, the acting is wooden, the lines were spoken with long pauses between, even the special effects (what effects) were pretty bad, and when you think that the aquanoid himself was played by the cameraman thats says it all...it must have cost someone some money but l bet they don't get it back...a good tax loss.
I usually like independent films but this was something else...l don't know what, but it was something else.....urgh!!!
l'm not even giving it a mark.
I'm a pretty big fan of the 'underwater monster' B-movie. CREATURE FROM
THE BLACK LAGOON is the granddaddy of course, and JAWS the milestone
against which all over movies have been judged/attempted to rip off
over the past thirty-plus years. AQUANOIDS is somewhere between the two
plot-wise, as humanoid-type creatures kill surfers and bathers at a
beach, but there the resemblance ends. This is no-budget filmmaking at
its very worst, utterly devoid of talent and interest and only worth
watching to see how worthless it really is. The hardest thing to like
about this film is the camera, which looks little better than your
average home video; the shot on video format works against it,
lessening the experience against other, better B-movies of the past.
A number of those films are referenced by characters in one SCREAM-like post-modern conversation, giving away the fact that the filmmakers are fans of this sub-genre. It's a shame they couldn't do anything with the tired script and awful execution. The creatures are barely seen, and boast rubbishy PREDATOR-style vision; the attacks involve laughable gore effects and one rip-off "monster birth" sequence. The jokes are flat and the acting awful, and brief nudity does nothing to keep you watching. The film's so cheap that even the guns rarely fire and explosions are effected via some lame CGI work. As the leading bimbo, Laura Nativo is attractive enough, and strangely resilient to the perils of the poor script, but she can't save this wishy-washy monster flick from being a total disaster.
After watching Aquanoids I told myself that if I was going to see this
one again it would be solely for the purpose of reviewing it. Seeing as
how I'm writing this it means I have indeed done such a thing.
As Aquanoids opens you spend a couple of minutes taking in the fact that this truly IS a low-budget film. REALLY low-budget. It's an amateur film. They open with an aquanoid attack in 1987 then jump 16 years in time. We later learn that 17 people were killed during that summer. Our heroine, looking like a bustier, less talented Eliza Dushku, is still mourning the loss of her mother that summer. She knows an aquanoid when she sees one and starts her crusade to close the beaches and stop the ferocious aquanoids. Vanessa says the aquanoidS are back, but we don't really see more than one at the time. The aquanoid costume probably represented one of the bigger posts on the meager budget. We should respect that. The mayor of course doesn't want the threat to leak out and takes a few precautionary measures. We also have some inquisitive reporters that don't really add much to anything. It's influence from superior films like, Jaws, Humanoids from the Deep and others are obvious. They even mention several of its predecessors. At least that shows the movie is self conscious. Not that it helps much, but a little.
So just what's the deal with Aquanoids? Well, there are plenty of things to notice and reflect upon when watching it. Laurence Hobbs playing Jackson is one of the great things about this movie. Seeing his costume, a pair of pants and a grey t-shirt I can't help but wonder if that was what Hobbs put on when getting up that morning. Just put on whatever you have. His acting style is relentless! Jackson is utterly hilarious when exclaiming: "I can't believe it got into Lovers Cove!" Like that is something unbelievable. Was that a fact so terrible your mind simply refused to comprehend it? Jackson also witnessed one of the aquanoid attacks back in 87. He just happened to be standing at the beach with binoculars at night. But, hey, so was I! Another wonderful scene is when Vanessa's friend at one point asks her for an opinion on something. She's made an impressive sign on the computer reading: DANGEROUS WATERS! ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! Vanessa says: "I think that will work!". That is truly brilliant stuff! The evil mayor and father-of-the-year award winner at one point tell his daughter: "Now look, I don't want any alcohol at the party. We don't want to pump your stomach again!" He's playing the role of the concerned parent. While being evil! In all fairness he does singlehandedly represent all the acting credibility in the movie. Trying to earn it a higher rating we get a half-assed gory autopsy. I think we've seen enough scenes in other movies with an iron-stomach pathologist who eats while doing his thing. Do something else. At the end Vanessa learns that Jackson is in fact her father. She is shocked and I am shocked that she was shocked. We were both shocked. What shocked and disappointed me even more was her inability to get topless. I expected that from a title like Aquanoids. Others do though, in very random fashion.
The technical aspects are quite, shall we say puritan? Whenever we have some underwater shots you can't help but think it's a pity the BBC wildlife photographer must have slept late that day. They make a daring attempt at split-screen. They even dazzle us with three different images at the same time! The scene itself isn't half-bad, with a somewhat dynamic car chase. A couple of times I could see their attempt to create a certain something in tone and even though the execution for the most part didn't work, it felt sincere.
Bottom line is that YOU could probably make this film. It's quite possible to do. Just use whatever you have and improvise the rest. Aquanoids is by no means good, or particularly competent, but I'm still happy someone put an effort into making a horror movie, even if it was a pretty bad one.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Jaws was a great movie. Creature From The Black Lagoon wasn't a bad
movie. There is no reason why their offspring should be a bad movie.
And yet it is. Very bad.
OK, so someone lends you a videocamera, gives you fortyseven quid, and suggests you should go and make a film. Here are the lessons you can learn from Aquanoids:
1. Start by writing a script where the dialogue is believable (eg. don't have your character saying "It's the missing surfer!" - we KNOW it's the missing surfer).
2. Cast actors who can act, even if only a little bit.
3. Find an editor who can edit and a director who can direct (see the sequence where the two girls go to the marina on scooters and then head out on the jetski for a masterclass in how not to do either).
4. Steer clear of gratuitous video effects - what worked in Predator won't work if you can't afford to do it properly;
5. Avoid synthesiser music.
6. Don't make a sequel when no-one ever made the original.
7. Don't call your movie "Aquanoids" if there's only one Aquanoid.
But I do award a point over the baseline minimum for a) the sheer gall of starting off with an appalling day-for-night cross between From Here To Eternity's rolling in the surf sequence and the Jaws opening sequence, and b) gratuitous boobage.
This was in the cheapo cheapo DVD bin. I wuz robbed.
This movie is terrible from start to finish. The plot is like something
written by an 8 year old kid who has just watched Jaws and the acting
is similar to the quality you get when a relative realises you are
videoing them at a wedding and tries to be say something funny in the
general direction of the camera. This film is so cheap and pitiful I
can't even bring myself to give it one out of ten. Even if you're a fan
of really bad movies you probably won't be able to wring any fun out of
this film because it's beyond parody.
I still can't believe the vague marine expert rides around on a scooter. Did nobody involved in the movie have a car she could have used for half an hour?
Now, i have been watching B-movie horrors for sometime now and this
film is by far the worst one i have ever watched but also the best. If
your looking for good script, acting, story etc. then avoid this film
like the plague however if you are looking for a cheap laughter filled
night in with the lads, this is the one for you. With no where near
believable characters and a largely endowed femme fa tale you know your
in for at least some cheap laughs and nudity. The script while trying
to be serious is just awful, thats all that can be said....awful, just
bloody awful.The script is devoid of interesting plot turns and any
real creativity, if you gave a monkey a type writer the script for
aquanoids would quickly churn out.
I do however have a place in my heart for this film, even though the script was downright terrible, some moments in this film are just a must to commit to memory and are undeniably funny. The camera quality too adds to the hilarity, as a good friend whom i watched this with described its quality very well as "porno Cam".
to conclude, if you see this in a bargain bin, buy it just to see what I'm talking about but if you are not someone in persuasion of B-movie horror you best look somewhere else.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
"Aquanoids" is an enjoyable fun and cheesy creature feature.
During the Fourth of July celebration, Vanessa, (Laura Nativo) warns Frank Walsh, (Edwin Craig) and Clint Jefferson, (Ike Gingrich) that a swarm of deadly creatures, the Aquanoids, have returned to the harbor, though no one takes her seriously. Bringing along her friends Ronald Jackson, (Laurence Hobbs) and Christina, (Rhoda Jordan) together they realize that she's right and try to warn others about the creatures. When they try to force the others into listening to their story, the corruption of the higher-ups forces them to reconsider their plan, and when it takes into account the fact that they're now trying to make sure she doesn't spread the rumors about the creatures returning. When they start to notice that others around them are disappearing, they decide to take matters into their own hands and go out to attack the creatures, preventing them from going after the Fourth of July celebrations in town.
The Good News: There's a lot to this one that really helps it out. The fact that it's a glorious tribute to the films of the past means that it really has a lot to offer for those who happen to love that kind of film. From the old-school manner in which it plays out the stereotypes from the past, the corrupt mayor who wants to sweep the incident under the rug during a major holiday celebration, the frequent actions of the creatures to munch down on scantily-clad beach-goers and throwing a bucketful of gore and action into the story are just prime examples, and each one here really plays a part of why this one works. There's a lot more gore in this than expected, and the kills in here are quite bloody. There's a harpoon through the throat, having a face scratched and clawed, a neck bitten out, massive scratches across the back, a foot, arms, hands and a leg ripped off and gunshot wounds, with much more in here. One of the cheesiest scenes in the film provides some great gore as well, as there's a sequence where the creatures are birthed through a victim all done in close-up, and it rips the stomach open in great detail. The sequence as a whole is one of the cheesiest in the film, which is full of these scenes as mentioned, all of which makes for some great viewing. The action in here is also really nice. It has a couple of great confrontations with the creatures, including one down in the water weeds that gets really tense at times due to the uncertain feeling of when they'll appear, the ending has a great confrontation in the surf that has a couple of great moments, and the fact that there's even a couple of great underwater sequences really help this one along. The creatures themselves are rather cool looking, looking like a human with more aquatic-friendly facial features, sharp claws and fangs and much more streamlined, fish-like bodily features. They're appropriate creatures in this kind of cheesy film, looking like a throwback creature to the past while being unique enough to be different. The last part to this is the really nice amount of nudity to this, which is enough to be appropriate without being sleazy and really makes a nice addition to the film. These here are the film's best parts.
The Bad News: This one here doesn't have much wrong with it. The fact that it's too short is something to get over, and is it's biggest flaw. There's really not a whole lot that can't be done for this to spread the length out, but it really doesn't seem like it should be just barely an hour, and a little back-history on the creature's origins or where they came from. That alone is something which could've spread out the running time a little bit, and fixed the film's other minor flaws all at once. There's also the film's rather high cheese quotient, which has a couple of problems on it's own in that it's not for everyone and is capable of delivering some real groan-inducing moments from it. It's not detrimental to the film, but it is there and does have some problems to it, though it's not all that bad.
The Final Verdict: A really great and fun throwback to the creature features of the past, there's a lot to this one that makes it quite good. Any fan of that style of films should love this, and all creature feature fans or lovers of cheesy fare should give it a shot, while those who can't appreciate this kind won't have much luck with it.
Rated R: Graphic Violence, Nudity, Graphic Language and a mild sex scene
|Page 1 of 2:|| |
|Plot summary||Ratings||External reviews|
|Official site||Plot keywords||Main details|
|Your user reviews||Your vote history|