Quotes
Frankenstein's Monster: Let me go!
Carl: Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.
Share thisTop Hat: I see the Wolfman hasn't killed you yet.
Van Helsing: Don't worry. He's getting to it.
Share thisCarl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
Van Helsing: [running past him] Werewolf!
Carl: Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets then.
[he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly]
Van Helsing: Well done!
Share thisAnna Valerious: He's the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years. I'd say that's earned him a drink.
Share thisAleera: Anna, my love. It is your blood that shall keep me beautiful. What do you think of that?
[laughs triumphantly, then screams as Anna catches a silver stake and impales her through the chest]
Anna Valerious: I think if you're going to kill somebody, kill them! Don't stand around talking about it!
Share thisCarl: Here, take this.
[he hands Van Helsing a bag, then begins to fill it]
Carl: Rings of garlic... holy water... silver stake... crucifix...
[they pass two monks test-firing a Gatling gun]
Van Helsing: Why can't I have one of those?
Share thisVan Helsing: Now, Carl, whatever you do, don't stare at him.
[he opens the coach door, revealing the Frankenstein Monster shackled into the seat, struggling and snarling]
Carl: I'm staring at him.
[quickly turns away]
Carl: Is that a man?
Van Helsing: Actually, it's seven men. Parts of them, anyway.
Share thisAnna Valerious: For me this is all personal. It's all about family and honor. Why do you do it? What do you hope to get out of it?
Van Helsing: Oh, I don't know. Maybe some self-realization.
Anna Valerious: And what have you got out of it so far?
Van Helsing: Nightmares.
Share this[after Van Helsing's first, failed attempt to kill Dracula]
Anna Valerious: A silver stake? A crucifix? What, did you think we haven't tried everything before? We've shot him, stabbed him, clubbed him, sprayed him with holy water, staked him through the heart, and STILL he lives! Do you understand? No-one knows how to kill Dracula!
Van Helsing: Well, I could have used that information a little earlier.
Share this[Carl hands Van Helsing his latest invention, an automatic crossbow]
Carl: A work of certifiable genius.
Van Helsing: If you don't say so yourself.
Carl: Well, I did say so myself.
Share this[drinking a freshly-killed man's blood from a glass]
Aleera: Thirty years old... perfectly aged.
Share thisAnna Valerious: We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.
Van Helsing: There's a brighter side of death?
Anna Valerious: Of course. It's just harder to see.
Share thisVan Helsing: [looking around for the werewolf] It's a little late for digging graves, isn't it?
Top Hat: It's never too late to dig graves. You never know when you'll need a fresh one...
[when Van Helsing turns around, he suddenly swings his shovel at Van Helsing's head. Van Helsing catches the handle and points his gun in Top Hat's face]
Top Hat: Oh, sorry! It's just... my nature.
Share thisAnna Valerious: Dwergi!
Van Helsing: Dwergi?
Anna Valerious: Dracula's servants. Industrious, but extremely vicious. If you get a chance to kill one, do it, because they'll do worse to you.
Share this[seeing Dracula's children hatch and fly through the castle]
Van Helsing: This is where I come in!
Share thisDr. Victor Frankenstein: I'll take him away, far away, where no-one will ever find him.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Oh, no, Victor. The time has come for me to take command of him.
Dr. Victor Frankenstein: What are you saying?
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Why do you think I brought you here, gave you this castle, equipped your laboratory?
Dr. Victor Frankenstein: You said... you said you believed in my work.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: And I do. But now that it is, as you yourself have said, "A triumph of science over God", it must now serve my purpose.
Share thisAnna Valerious: Oh, my God! The Frankenstein Monster!
Frankenstein's Monster: Monster! Who's the monster here? I have done nothing wrong, yet you and your kind still wish me dead!
Share this[Van Helsing and Anna are both hanging off the sides of the carriage, hanging over the cliff. While the Monster is chained in his seat, Carl starts to pull Anna in, but Van Helsing's grip starts to fail]
Frankenstein's Monster: I can help!
Carl: You won't kill me?
Frankenstein's Monster: Only if you don't hurry!
Share this[Van Helsing and Carl break into a mausoleum to hide the unconscious Monster]
Carl: I'm sure this is some kind of sin.
Van Helsing: Don't worry, God will forgive us.
Share thisCarl: Now, you won't turn into a werewolf until your first full moon. That's two days from now. So we have 48 hours to find a solution. But you'll still be able to fight Dracula's hold over you until the final stroke of midnight.
Van Helsing: Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.
Carl: Oh, my God, you should be terrified!
Van Helsing: Thank you.
Carl: Sorry.
Share thisFrankenstein's Monster: You've been bitten. Bitten by a werewolf. Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately.
[Van Helsing takes out a tranquilizer blowgun]
Van Helsing: I am sorry...
Frankenstein's Monster: May others be as passionate in the hunting of you.
Share thisVan Helsing: If you're late, run like hell.
[Anna turns away, but he grabs her back]
Van Helsing: Don't be late.
Share thisVan Helsing: Bless me, Father, for I have...
Cardinal Jinette: Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at that. You shattered the Rose Window!
Van Helsing: Well, not to split hairs, sir, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering...
Cardinal Jinette: 13th Century. Over six hundred years old! I wish you a week in hell for that!
Van Helsing: It would be a nice reprieve.
Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters? We are not pleased.
Van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?
Cardinal Jinette: Because we do not exist.
Van Helsing: Well, then neither do I.
[he gets up angrily, but the Cardinal presses a button, dropping a set of bars over the confessional's exit]
Cardinal Jinette: When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.
Van Helsing: Why can't he do it Himself?
Cardinal Jinette: Don't blaspheme! You already lost your memory as a penance for past sins. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you continue to heed the call.
Share this[Van Helsing appears to free the Monster]
Frankenstein's Monster: What are you doing? You must find the cure!
Van Helsing: My friends are doing it for me.
Frankenstein's Monster: Friends...
Van Helsing: Yes. You want one?
Share this[Van Helsing transforms into a werewolf, the one thing that can kill Dracula]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: We are both part of the same great game, Gabriel! But we need not find ourselves on opposing sides of the board...
[the Werewolf roars. Dracula transforms into a giant bat, and attacks him]
Share thisVan Helsing: Bless me father for I have...
Cardinal Jinette: Sinned! Yes, I know. You're very good at it. You shattered the Rose Window.
Van Helsing: Well, not to split hairs, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering.
Cardinal Jinette: Thirteenth century. Over six hundred years old! I wish you a week in hell for that.
Van Helsing: It would be a nice reprieve.
Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters. We are not pleased.
Van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?
Cardinal Jinette: Because we do not exist.
Van Helsing: Well then neither do I.
Cardinal Jinette: When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.
Van Helsing: Why can't He do it Himself?
Share thisVan Helsing: Now that I have your attention.
Share thisFrankenstein's Monster: [hanging from a rope] Help! Help me!
Carl: But you're supposed to die!
Frankenstein's Monster: I want to live!
Carl: ...All right.
Share thisAnna Valerious: Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Helsing. Others say you're a holy man. Which is it?
Van Helsing: It's a bit of both, I think.
Share this[Dracula sees Igor poking the werewolf with a cattle prod]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Igor!
Igor: Yes, Master?
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Why do you torment that thing so?
Igor: It's what I do.
Share thisVan Helsing: That's why you're coming with me.
Carl: The hell be damned that I am.
Van Helsing: You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.
Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want, dammit.
Share thisCarl: [about his invention] I know what it's for! I know what it's for!... Where are we going?
Van Helsing, Anna Valerious: Through that window!
Share thisVan Helsing: My life... my job... my curse... is to vanquish evil.
Share thisVan Helsing: This thing... man... whatever it is... evil may have created it, left its mark on it... but evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it.
Share thisCarl: [after saving the woman from the vampire children] They've all died.
Barmaid: Oh, thank you! You saved me.
[kisses him on the cheek]
Barmaid: How can I repay you?
[Carl leans in and whispers something in her ear]
Barmaid: But you can't do that! You are a monk!
Carl: Actually, I'm a just a friar.
Share thisVan Helsing: There's something down here, it's carnivorous. Whatever it is it appears to be... human. I'd say it's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8 and a half to 9 feet tall and he has a bad gimp in his right leg and, ah, 3 copper teeth.
Anna Valerious: How do you know he has copper teeth?
Van Helsing: 'Cause he's standing right behind you.
[shouts]
Van Helsing: Move!
Share thisCarl: You've never gone after vampires before, have you?
Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same - best when cooked well.
Share thisVan Helsing: The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive.
[he throws the bag back to Carl, then walks past him]
Van Helsing: For as long as possible.
Carl: But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!
Share thisMr. Hyde: You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.
Van Helsing: I'd hate to be such a nuisance.
Share thisVan Helsing: Dr. Jekyll, you're wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order...
Mr. Hyde: It's Mr. Hyde, now!
Van Helsing: for the murder of twelve men, six women, four...
Mr. Hyde: [laughing] Four children, three goats, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry!
Share thisMr. Hyde: So, you're the great Van Helsing.
Van Helsing: And you're a deranged psychopath.
Mr. Hyde: We all have our little problems.
Share thisVan Helsing: Now, my superiors would like for me to take you alive, so that they might extricate your better half.
Mr. Hyde: [laughing] I'll bet they bloody would.
Van Helsing: Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision, shall we?
Mr. Hyde: [pretends to think] Hmm, do let's.
[attacks him]
Share thisVan Helsing: [to a captive Igor] If they even suspect you of misleading them...
[he demonstrates a wicked-looked set of pliers in front of Igor's face, then hands them to Anna]
Van Helsing: Clip off one of his fingers.
Anna Valerious: I'll clip off something.
Share thisAnna Valerious: [while looking at the cure for the werewolf curse] Go ahead, grab it.
Carl: Why don't you go ahead and grab it? If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to stick your hand into a viscous material.
Share thisVerona: Feed, my darlings! Feed!
Share thisAleera: I want first bite!
Share thisVan Helsing: To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.
Share thisVan Helsing: He's not your brother anymore, Anna!
Anna Valerious: You knew?
Van Helsing: Yes.
Anna Valerious: Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?
Van Helsing: Before.
Anna Valerious: And still you tried to kill him!
Van Helsing: He's a werewolf. He's going to kill people!
Anna Valerious: It's not his fault! He can't help it!
Van Helsing: I know, but he's going to do it anyway!
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: You can't kill me, Victor.
[Dracula pushes himself onto the sword Dr. Frankenstein is wielding]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I'm already dead.
Share thisAnna Valerious: [after Van Helsing has killed the Werewolf] You killed him!
Van Helsing: Now you see why people call me a murderer.
Share thisFrankenstein's Monster: Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. I *will* have my vengeance!
Share thisAnna Valerious: You make my skin crawl.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: This is not all I can do with your skin.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: [kisses/mouths Anna's neck]
Share thisCarl: So you can remember everything about your life from the last seven years, but nothing before that?
Van Helsing: Not now, Carl.
Carl: There must be something?
Van Helsing: [dead serious] I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.
Carl: That was in 73 A.D.
Van Helsing: You asked.
Share thisVan Helsing: You're going to take them and lead them to the antidote.
Igor: No, I'm not!
[Van Helsing grabs Igor with his werewolf strength and throws him violently against the wall]
Igor: Yes, I am.
Share thisMarishka: Too bad, so sad.
Share thisVerona: Stop your teasing Marishka and finish him!
Share thisVan Helsing: I have to pull the bolts off... this is going to hurt!
Frankenstein's Monster: I am accustomed to pain...
Van Helsing: It lets you know you're alive!
Share thisVan Helsing: I missed you in London.
Mr. Hyde: No, you bloody did not!
[shows Van Helsing a bullet wound]
Mr. Hyde: You got me good.
Share this[approaching the entrance to Castle Dracula]
Carl: Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.
Van Helsing: We're going to go in there and stop Dracula.
Anna Valerious: And kill anyone who gets in our way.
Carl: [quickly turns around] Well, you let me know how that goes...
Share this[Dracula's minions have taken all of Frankenstein's equipment to castle Dracula]
Anna Valerious: Then we've lost.
Carl: Dracula can't bring them to life until the sun sets. We still have time.
Anna Valerious: "Time"? The sun sets in two hours, and we've been searching for his lair for over 400 years!
Carl: I wasn't around for those 400 years, was I?
Share thisAnna Valerious: You! Turn around. Let me see your faces.
Van Helsing: Why?
Anna Valerious: Because we don't trust strangers.
Share thisAnna Valerious: Show me your faces!
Van Helsing: Why?
Anna Valerious: Because we don't trust strangers.
Top Hat: Strangers don't last long here.
Share thisVillager: He killed a vampire!
Carl: Isn't that a good thing?
Top Hat: The Vampires only take what they need to survive. Maybe two or three a month... but now they will kill for revenge!
Share thisCarl: [shouts] Vampires!
[jumps up and then looks at the couch where the barmaid he had just made love to is]
Carl: Now I remember.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: Hello, Gabriel.
[grinning to himself]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: You don't remember me? Allow me to refresh your memory I am Count Vladilaus Dracula, we have some history you and I.
Share thisDr. Victor Frankenstein: I could never allow him to be used for such evil.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I could. In fact, my brides are insisting on it.
Share thisCarl: [after reading something from a book in the tower in the Valerious Manner] Well, that's interesting...
[hearing something, he goes to the window and sees hundreds of pygmy bats flying past]
Carl: Oh, that's not good! Must... warn... somebody!
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: There, there, my lovelies. Do not worry, I shall find another bride.
[Dracula's brides are appalled]
Verona: What?
Verona: Have you no heart?
Count Vladislaus Dracula: No! I have no heart, I feel no love. Nor fear, nor joy, nor sorrow. I am hollow... and I will live forever.
Aleera: Oh, my lord...
Verona: It is not so bad.
[Dracula's mood changes on a dime, and he begins to laugh]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I'm at war with the world! And every living soul in it! But soon... the final battle will begin.
Aleera: Do we mean so little to you?
[said before Verona asks if Dracula has no heart]
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: Success!
Dr. Victor Frankenstein: Oh Count, it's just you.
[sighs in relief]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I was beginning to lose faith, Victor.
[looks down at the angry mob]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave robbery.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: How does it feel to be a puppet on my string?
Share this[Upon seeing a baby vampire for the first time]
Van Helsing: So this is what you get when vampires mate.
Share thisDr. Victor Frankenstein: Good God... I would kill myself before helping in such a task.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor. I just need him... he is the key.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: [after feeling Marishka die] if it's not the Christians, it's the Moors! Why can't they just leave us alone. We never kill more than our fill. And less than our share. Can they say the same?
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: [Dracula's bride cower in fear] No, no, no. Do not fear me, everybody else fears me. Not my brides.
Share thisMarishka: Why can't we just let the Werewolf kill her?
Verona: Never trust a man to do a woman's job.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat.
[claps his hand in a rhythm of a heartbeat]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Usually when I approach...
[claps faster]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I can almost dance to the beat.
[claps slower]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Strange that yours is so steady.
Share thisVan Helsing: How do you know me?
Count Vladislaus Dracula: So, would you like me to refresh your memory? A few details from you sordid past?
Count Vladislaus Dracula: [Van Helsing thrusts a crucifix at Dracula. Dracula shrieks and angrily swats it away, then calms down, smiling beatifically, as if nothing happened] Perhaps that is a conversation for another time. But before you go, let me reintroduce myself.
[bows majestically]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I am Count Vladislaus Dragulia. Born 1422. Murdered 1462.
Share thisVelkan: Come on. Dracula unleashed you for a reason.
Share this[the Werewolf arrives back at Castle Frankenstein and lands next to Dracula, growling menacingly. Dracula ignores him]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Werewolves are such a nuisance during their first full moon, so hard to control.
[just as the Werwolf is about to lunge at him, he stops and transforms back to Velkan, writhing in pain. Dracula strides majestically past him]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I send you on a simple errand, to find out who our new friend is, and you have to stop for a little visit with your sister.
Velkan: Leave her out of this, Count! She doesn't know your secret, and I am soon to take it to my grave.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Don't wish for death so quickly. I intend for you to be quite useful.
Velkan: I would rather die than help you.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Oh, don't be boring, everybody who says that dies.
Share this[the Dwergi rip a blackened corpse out of the machine's pod and throw it down in front of Velkan]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Look familiar?
[Velkan recognizes the crucifix around the corpse's neck]
Velkan: Father? No!
[charges at Dracula]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: [stops him easily with a finger] He proved useless. But I'm hoping with Werewolf venom running through your veins, you will be of greater benefit.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: Don't we make a lovely couple?
[Anna looks at the mirror. Dracula is not in the reflection]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: I'm looking for a new bride, Anna, someone strong and beautiful. All it takes is one bite from me.
Anna Valerious: [Dracula hugs her tighter] You have no heartbeat.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Perhaps it just needs to be rekindled.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: [attacked by Van Helsing, as a werewolf] Don't you understand? We could be friends! Partners! Brothers-in-arms!
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: All I wanted was life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind.
[Dracula holds up his left hand, his ring finger has long ago been cut off]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: And perhaps also, the return of my ring.
Share thisAnna Valerious: No! Find Velkan's gun! It has to be the silver bullets!
Share thisCarl: Now, I've got some things that will put the bit back in your mouth...
[Van Helsing stops to inspect a rack of swords]
Carl: Oh, any idiot can make a sword.
[a hulking monk turns around holding a newly-forged sword, staring daggers at Carl]
Carl: Oh, sorry, Father.
Share thisCarl: What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?
Van Helsing: Because he's the son of the devil.
Carl: I mean besides that.
Van Helsing: Because if we kill him, anything bitten by him or created will also die.
Carl: I mean besides that.
Share thisAleera: Don't play coy with me, Princess, you're just like all the other pretty little ancestors in your family. Saying you want to destroy my master, but I know what lurks in your lusting heart.
Anna Valerious: I hope you have a heart, Aleera, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it.
Share thisVerona: Hello, Anna, my dear.
Share thisVan Helsing: Next time, stay close, you're no good to me dead.
Share this[Anna Valerious falls back into the a wall, out cold]
Van Helsing: [catches her in his arms before she falls to the floor] I'm sorry about that too.
Share thisAnna Valerious: What are these things?
Van Helsing: I think they're Dracula's children.
Anna Valerious: His children?
Van Helsing: A man, with three gorgeous women, for four hundred years?
Share thisIgor: I am sorry, Master. We try and we try, but I fear we are not so smart as Doctor Frankenstein.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Truly. It would appear that the good Doctor took the key to life to his grave.
[the Werewolf climbs up onto the parapet. Dracula waves him away, dismissive]
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Hunt them down. Kill them both.
Share thisAleera: Tch, tch, tch, so much trouble to my Master, so much trouble.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: Welcome to my summer place.
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: [to the other vampires] Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you... Van Helsing!
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: Give me LIFE!
Share thisCount Vladislaus Dracula: You're too late, my friend! My children live!
Van Helsing: Then the only way to kill them is to kill you.
Count Vladislaus Dracula: Correct.
Van Helsing: So be it.
Share thisCarl: Ah! Here's something new!
[pumps a drop of the yellow liquid onto his pinky finger]
Carl: Glycerine-48.
[snaps his wrist, causing a large explosion after the Glycerine-48 hits the floor. The workers shout and gasp in anger and shock]
Carl: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Carl: [turns to Van Helsing, his magnifying glasses over his eyes] Sorry!
Monk: [offscreen in the background] What in the name of Allah is wrong with you?
Carl: [to Van Helsing] The air around here is thick with envy...
Share thisVan Helsing: Absinthe. Strong stuff.
[Anna takes a defiant swig and gives the bottle back to Van Helsing]
Anna Valerious: Don't let it touch your tongue... it'll knock straight on your aaaaaa...
[she gets cut off as the ground falls through]
Share thisVan Helsing: I have to pull the bolts off... this is going to hurt!
Frankenstein's Monster: I am accustomed to pain!
Van Helsing: It let's you know you're alive!
Share thisMr. Hyde: [landing on the ceiling next to a knocked out Van Helsing] Aaaah! Paris...
[walks to Van Helsing who is lying on the floor and picks him up with a chuckle. Then he walks to the border of Notre Dame's ceiling]
Mr. Hyde: [laughing] I... I think you will find the view over here to be rather spectacular.
Share thisVerona: I can feel fresh blood rushing through her veins!
Share thisCarl: How many commandments can we break in one day?
Share thisCarl: Viscous material, what did I tell you!
Share thisFrankenstein's Monster: Curse all you undead! You are nothing but dead bones and damned souls... you shall burn in the fires of hell!
Share thisCarl: [notices Van Helsing] Ah, there you are. So, did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him?
[acts obvious]
Carl: You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed. When they ask you to bring someone back they don't mean as a corpse.
Share thisCarl: [while stocking Van Helsing's kit for the trip to Transylvania] I don't know. You could blind your enemies, char-broil a herd of chargind wildebeests - use your imagination.
Van Helsing: No, I'm going to use yours - you're coming with me.
Carl: Oh, to hell and be damned I am!
Van Helsing: Carl, you just cursed! Not well mind you but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.
Carl: Actually I'm just a friar so I can curse all I want... dammit!
Share this